Your “The Carolina Panthers Lay Down With The Lambs” Monday Night Football Open Thread

This is it. It’s your next-to-last Monday Nighter of the season. To be honest, I don’t recall many of them but that’s just the way I dementia, er, roll. Far back in the day when I tended bar in a dining room spot, every Monday myself and all the male servers would turn away sit-down customers at 8pm and tell them that “Sorry, we’re done for the night but there’s a bar menu on the second floor”. One millisecond after the last table had left I was cashing out and running over to a bar by the name of “Tramps”. (the running joke at the time was that the owners were our ex-girlfriends-we were so clever back then) The shine has been off the rose for many a year now but some residue remains. I still get slightly pumped at the thought of a football game, any football game really, being played. I hope that many of you sorta, kinda feel that way as well. TO THE GAME!

Car/Was-The Panthers aren’t tanking but lb Kuechley is not playing despite being cleared from concussion whatchamacallit. As well, wr Benjamin will be in a limited role and de Johnson is not playing ce soir and most likely won’t be donning cleats for the remainder of the year. I wholeheartedly agree with this from both the player and the team’s perspective. Just let shit unfold, guard that draft spot and let the injured guys have some time off. Needless to say, many of the many injured Redacted players are being hustled back onto the field because of the possibility of getting to the next round. Rb Kelley should have his way with a broken down D-line that is still able to get to the qb but still gives up 3.7 ypc. If you have the slightest amount of interest in this game you’ve already come across numerous, “IT’S ALL ABOUT JOSH NORMAN PLAYING HIS OLD TEAM” articles so I’ll let that be.

That’s about it. TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT!

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King Hippo

also must say I am LOVING all these JV’ers saying “thanks but I will pass” to the meaningless bowl games, when they have real money on the line.

Also hilarious how one of the first major players to do so is white, so the media won’t really say shit.

Croooow

There’s way too many meaningless and pointless bowl games out there. When you have to scrape around for some 5-7 team out of the MAC to get all the slots filled…

Unsurprised

The are enough bowl games for over 60% of D-1 teams to play in one. That’s bullshit of some incredible magnitude.

Recovery Whiskey

Remember when Elway whined that what became known as the Stanford Band Game was “a really unfair way to end my college career?”

And then he refused to get drafted by Indy, and held out playing baseball until it could be rigged so he could get his choice to go play in Denver.

I expect McCaffrey to follow a similar route

Unsurprised

Fuck Elway. Wish he’d be gelded

Croooow

That taunting flag on Newton pissed me off too. Fuck Goodell.

Unsurprised

Roger Goodell Is A National Disgrace.

LemonJello

Truth.

Recovery Whiskey

So a lock for a Trump Administration job?

Unsurprised

Not lucrative enough.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

On one hand I feel Cam’s pain. On the other hand if you have a reputation for being too flamboyant after plays, just fucking don’t do anything that could be called. It isn’t hard not to throw the ball at the defender lying on the ground.

Unsurprised

Yeah, fuck that shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Newton should just up and retire. The league is never going to fucking protect him, and he should make sure he says so when he leaves the NFL.

Spur

He should legally change his name to Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers for one season.

Beerguyrob

“I don’t remember Brett Favre being that black, JEEM!”

King Hippo

you have to keep things classy, like all the white folk in the stands in full headdresses. You know, in case CHILDREN are watching, Cameron.

Beerguyrob

It’s all about promoting the right Trail of Tears.

Recovery Whiskey

Personal Foul. Unneccessary Blackness, #1

Beerguyrob

That call on Cam was worse than the unsportsmanlike conduct calls on the cons in “The Longest Yard”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Unsportsmanlike conduct on number thug I mean one…”

FUCK THESE REFS. AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE CAM NEWTON!

Recovery Whiskey

Good thing he didnt break his Freakin Neck

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was thinking he was gonna get called for that taunting as soon as he did it. I thought he would at least get offsetting with the head to head

Spur

I think a flag on both would have been correct. You can’t flip the ball at people.

Dunstan

Jesus Fucking Christ. If I were Newton, I’d just let the league have it in the press conference. Who gives a fuck if he gets suspended for a game or two?

Mr. Ayo

Hunting season on Cam’s head is still open apparently.

Col. Duke LaCross

Holy shit. If anyone still needed convincing that Cam is getting fucked this year, there you go.

LemonJello

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not TB12…oh, never mind, Cam called for taunting. Carry on.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When Gruden talked about Christmas when he was a kid and how his dad would pass out gifts, it reminded me a lot of my own dad except for the part about gifts.

litre_cola

Same here, except with the part about Dad.

Recovery Whiskey

Personal Foul. Unneccessary Blackness. #1.

Beerguyrob

Same here, but with asbestos instead of rocks.

Recovery Whiskey

I picture Jon Gruden being overjoyed to get HotWheels … So he could use the track to beat his brothers

litre_cola

Of course its Jay, Jon and Jim, Grudens parents were phonetically frugal.

LemonJello

Jim Irsay is sitting anxiously by the phone, hoping for either Director of the DEA or FDA, whichever will get him closest to the “good stuff.”

Unsurprised

DEA

litre_cola

ATF?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Jerks, what’s the haps?

Spur

Mark Davis has been nominated to head the National Barbering and Cosmetology Department

LemonJello

“THIS KIRK COUSINS, I CALL LISA ANN, BECAUSE HE’S DOING A GOOD JOB FUCKING HIMSELF.”

Unsurprised
Mr. Ayo

I feel like a nut.

...

Sometimes, I don’t.

Spur

Good Job Cousins. Great JOB!

Spur

Does anyone honestly like Scott Van Pelt?

...

Eh.

...

Followup: I’ve seen his late night show and I actually like it. It’s strike the balance between talk show and highlight show well enough that I’m not put off and still get a good feel for the sports stories of the day. I don’t have any strong like for him, but I generally find that he doesn’t lean on HOT TAEKERY to drive his show and that’s worth respect in an era where HOT TAEKERY is the standard play.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He is tolerable, which is more than can be said about 95% of other national sports radio hosts

LemonJello

I agree with this.

litre_cola

Better than A LOT of the alternatives.

King Hippo

I don’t like anyone, really.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m in the Democratic People’s Republic of Portlandia. I’m going to be fine, and so it’s pretty funny seeing how badly the people who elected Trump are going to be fucked by him. And just, too.

...

I pretty much have a voice in the back of my brain commenting on this election that is you.

Unsurprised

Oh, you should hear the shit I won’t even type here. I’m practically rooting for Armageddon.

Recovery Whiskey

Hey neighbor. Hows that Cascadia secession looking? (Seattle here)

litre_cola

You boys are more than welcome to join us up here.

Unsurprised

Maybe for the Cascadia Cup.

Spur

Can Nevada come or does Cali have 1st rights of refusal? We have hookers, blow and poker.

Spur

Trump is going to appoint Jerry Jones, Whorehouse Czar.

Unsurprised

Ambassador to Mexico?

LemonJello

“YEEEHAAWWWW, I AM FUCKING SYPHILITIC!!!111!!!!!!1”

-Ol’Dubble J

King Hippo

I tried a McRib once in high school. Well, the beginnings of one bite. It remains the most revolting thing I’ve ever voluntarily ingested.

LemonJello

Omelet with ham MRE. It’ll make a McRib taste like filet mignon.

...

It’s all real pork, just not from the parts you normally eat!

Spur

Who wants to watch another Cowboys prime-time game? Raise your hand.

Recovery Whiskey

Will Jerry be on camera getting a handy?

Spur

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...

So I just tuned in. Have we gotten a cutaway of a drunken Dok cursing at the camera yet?

litre_cola

She is probably trying to break in to Richardsons box.

...

We can only hope.

Beerguyrob

Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is he going to pick Mike Brown next?

http://deadspin.com/trump-nominates-florida-panthers-owner-as-secretary-of-1790298280

Unsurprised

Well, he does have experience running FEMA through a catastrophe …

Unsurprised

Oh, or did you mean the Bungles owner? Because both of them are terrible.

In fact the only competent Mike Brown that I can think of is the dead kid from Ferguson. At least he can’t fuck up anything on account on him being, you know, dead.

LemonJello

If he hadn’t already selected a SecTrans, I would be afraid Jimmy Haslam’s name would be next…

Unsurprised

Nothing like playing your own person game of “DID YOU GET THAT THING I SENT YOU?”

Spur

I didnt realize Cam’s numbers this year were that bad

litre_cola

/checks fantasy football team.
/shakes fist
/gets another bottle of wine

Petronel

Aaand Cam is broken.

Unsurprised

I just got here!

Spur

And now Cam is dead.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ve got Cousins, Kelley and Reed tonight with a twenty point deficit to erase in my money league semifinal, so of course the first two plays went to Vernon Davis and Chris Thompson. I’m fucked aren’t I?

How the fuck you doin’ boys!?

litre_cola

I reckon you should be ok.

King Hippo

REALLY?? This is the first I’ve heard of such a novel packaging idea!!

LemonJello

As long as you use Berman’s skull as a condom…

LemonJello

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Sharkbait

Hello

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litre_cola

Hi there, lookin good.

WCS

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Spur

Which team rule did Cam break this week?

litre_cola

“Umm well, you know.” – C. Kelly

LemonJello

“That? Even I find that disgusting.”

-R. Kelly

King Hippo

looked a white lady directly in the eye?

Spur
Spur

I see Tom Jackson is on MNF tonight. Does this mean they’re going to put Berman down Viking funeral style?

LemonJello

God I hope so.

Spur

I want to see a fight, which Panther player is likely to take a swing at Norman?

blaxabbath

Cam.

He’s a thug.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Suddenly I miss Sill

blaxabbath

We all do, man.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager Stewart. He seems like a player who will (1) get into SLUR secondary; (2) have zero tolerance for Norman’s BS.

litre_cola

Why did he depart our confines? O usually am drunk or stoned here in the safe place so my memory is a bit fuzzy.

Spur

I thought that was Otto-Man?

litre_cola

Isnt he congressman Ottoman from Kansas?

Shogun Marcus

He disliked the new format and auditory additions in addition to whatever else he had going on. Rumor is he can be found on twitter.

litre_cola

Gotcha. Thanks.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My POS iPhone has dropped 32 percent battery life in the last 20 minutes. Anyone have a view on the pixel so I can launch this pigfucker into the Potomac?

Sharkbait

I’ve got the Pixel and the battery is fantastic.

Spur

There’s no Bowl game on?

blaxabbath

^ A Very Pete Carroll Legacy Story

Spur

Folks

LemonJello

comment image?v=1451950767.51

LemonJello

What is “A phrase with an entirely different meaning under a Trump presidency?” Alex?

ballsofsteelandfury

The only reason to watch this game is fantasy. Of course, I anticipate getting fucked.

Btw, Tramps is an awesome name for a bar.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jim Tomsula would be a regular there.

(Assuming they let him clean up in the bathroom without having to buy anything)

Beerguyrob

Is anyone buying you dinner first?

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blaxabbath

There’s a gay/bear bar near me called Pat O’s Bunkhouse Saloon. Most of the other gay bars have weird names Zoldorf’s, Cash Inn Country, or Kobalt.

Frankly, I was amazed that Pulse night club shooting occurred at a venue with a fairly generic club name. I have a hard time imagining there would have as many, “We stand with Oz Bar” or “We are all The Manhole” support stickers had the shooting location been at one of these outfits.

litre_cola

Kockring in the red light district in Amsterdam would have really made that narrative awesome.

Shogun Marcus

A legit local news story coming up later: “Wonder what gets flushed? See what one local water works has collected over the year!”
2016: We out.

LemonJello

Man, what a shit-show that will turn out to be.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

?

LemonJello

If there’s anything the Marine Corps gave me (beside arthritic knees & shoulders, a bad back and probably PTSD) it’s a Pavlovian appreciation of poop jokes.

blaxabbath

What? You the one USMC who didn’t get a tat?

LemonJello

I am.

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