Your “[Looks At 2017] Is That All There Is?” NFL Football Open Thread

Salutations to all you mighty bastards/bastardesses that constitute the lurker/viewer/commenter-ship out there. Despite what my gut instinct tells me, I think I still have the ability to be surprised and awestruck by events that unfold in this universe that we share. Hopefully some of those reactions will be accompanied by a smile or light laugh rather than the usual “WTF!?”. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a sin to be cautiously optimistic-especially at this time of year. Remember the good things in your life-whether it’s the fact that your kids aren’t in jail, your pet’s undying devotion to your ability to feed it, a reduction in your cable bill, that girl with the big tits that always smiles at you when she gives you back your change, the batteries in the remote are still good, those pills still blot out the pain and, oh shit, I’m unraveling over here aren’t I? [shakes head vigorously] Sorry. Look, things aren’t that bad-you’ve got a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, a roof over your head, food to eat and enough money/spare time to make dick jokes. In my estimation you all are very well off. Cheers to you! TO THE GAMES!

Bal/Cin-The Ravens get a better chance at a .500 season because Cincy doesn’t have wr Green, te Eifert or lb Burfict on the field. Say goodbye to Steve Smith Sr-my hope is that he is magically transported to the broadcast booth immediately after the game.

Hou/Ten– Cassell? Savage? Let’s call the whole thing off. This could have been a division-decider but the Titans were ball-blasted by the Bradley-less Jags last week. smgdh…

Car/TB– Tampa needed a win last week for this game to matter. They can still make the playoffs if feathers fly out of recently-suspended Doug Martins butt.

Jax/Ind– The Jags need a new head coach with a rep for handling young talent almost as badly as the Colts need to focus on their O-line and D in the up-coming draft and free agency period.

NE/Mia– The Fins need this one badly as it would mean pushing over Houston as opposed to getting crushed by the Steelers next week. The Pats only losses have come at home, so there’s that. As always, fuck the Patriots.

Chi/Min– Drag out the old “playing for pride” chestnut for this one. Oh what could have been for the Vikes this year. Oh the stench coming off the Bears reminds me of a dead cat.

Buf/NYJ– Interim Bills guy Anthony Lynn is in the unique spot of auditioning for the HC position of both teams on the field today. He turned around a turgid Bills O after getting promoted to OC and he also has a six year run as the Jets rb coach on his CV. Tons of folks will tell you that the Jets Bowles is safe and sound despite the fact that many of those same people also maintain that he lost the locker room several weeks ago.

Dal/Phi– As much as Eagles fans thought that the playoffs were likely this year, 6/10 or 7/9 was written all over this team. Still, they’ve got some pieces of the puzzle in place and they will progress next year and that means that the NFC East will be quite the jungle for the next few years.

Cle/Pit– I see at least one more player injury affecting the playoffs. So if the coaching staff could get Ben, Bell and Brown out of the game as quickly as possible that would be great.

Some of these teams have nothing to play for but you, my friends have everything to type for. SO TYPE AWAY!!!

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Moose -The End Is Well NighLow Commander of the Super SoldiersJustStopDudeKing HippoDoktor Zymm Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Can Cleveland start off the perfect 2017 year?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Nevermind…Cleveland just lost 14 yards one a 2nd and goal on the fucking 2 yard line.

King Hippo

Riverboat Ron, risking it ALL with fuckall on the line…

King Hippo

Humps win, so another OL-starved side who shall pick AFTER Denver if we are sensible today….

Doktor Zymm

THESE NY JETS I CALL THEM EARLY AMERICAN SETTLERS BECAUSE THEY ARE SLAUGHTERING A LOT OF BUFFALO

King Hippo

Teddy Roosevelt likes the cut of your jib!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Shogun Marcus

Eagles defense wants all teh nachos.

Spur
Spur

Never change Sanchez.

King Hippo

that was MOAR Sanchize than the buttfumble

King Hippo

Revis Island broke his cherry!!

King Hippo

It would be funny if PIT took an intentional safety just to fuck CLE out of draft position/prevent OT.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The Factory doesn’t close for holidays!

Dunstan
Dunstan

The outdoor hockey game is pretty hilarious right now. Detroit and Toronto are playing, but the pre-game ceremony involves the 100 greatest NHLers, almost half of whom were Montreal Canadiens.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Man, if Landry fucking Jones can beat the Browns, I may need to crawl back into a bottle…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bears giving Cleveland a run for most embarrassing team

King Hippo

They just let Crazy Eyes become a record holder. in a GOOD way.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Blount is a beast.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know why I’m so nervous about the Raiders game today; if they lose they get to plan the Texans in the wild card game, which is pretty much as good as a bye.

Cannot believe such a garbage team is going to the playoffs.

King Hippo

yeah, but game 2 is “Home vs. Yinzers/KC” vs. “@P*ts” is a yuuuuuuuuuge difference.

Really, humanity’s only chance is the Chefs going in there and blowing their wad and winning, then shitting theyselves in OAK/Yinzburgh.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oooh. Michael Bay’s Benghazi movie starring Jim from The Office as a Navy SEAL is on Amazon.

My life is now complete.

King Hippo

Is there a dull-ass 150-minute “will they or won’t they??” sequence with a frumpy sourpuss in the middle??

Dunstan
Dunstan

Mark Wahlberg is wicked pissed that he didn’t get to produce and star in this one himself.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Lolfins

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s noon. I should walk to the library and back and pick up the copy of Drew’s book I have on hold. Also to walk off these cookies.

Alternatively, my bed is warm and soft.

evilbeaver8
evilbeaver8

What library would be open today?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Brandy Library in NYC

evilbeaver8
evilbeaver8

I had to look up Brandy Library. I am pleased that this is a thing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s amazing. If you’re in NYC, worth a stop in.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh. Never mind.

Well, so much for getting out of the house.

King Hippo

So…I guess CLE saves the #1 pick thanks to another dumb ass pylon reacher?? How many times have we seen guys fuck their teams over that way this season??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t tell which is more Cleveland – blowing the number one pick or losing this game thanks to that play.

King Hippo

if only it were possible to do BOTH

King Hippo

TOMMY MADDOX. The man Dan Reeves wanted to turn John Elway into glue fer.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Speaking of Maddox, the XFL 30 for 30 looks great.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Come on, though, which name sounds more like a good, solid, American quarterback – “Mad Ox” or “El Way”?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sweet. It’s available again on Netflix.

King Hippo

I keep switching to reading until I remember that my head hurts too bad to read.

Goddamn you, 2017.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I could be persuaded to watch bowling under the right circumstances.
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