Salutations to all you mighty bastards/bastardesses that constitute the lurker/viewer/commenter-ship out there. Despite what my gut instinct tells me, I think I still have the ability to be surprised and awestruck by events that unfold in this universe that we share. Hopefully some of those reactions will be accompanied by a smile or light laugh rather than the usual “WTF!?”. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a sin to be cautiously optimistic-especially at this time of year. Remember the good things in your life-whether it’s the fact that your kids aren’t in jail, your pet’s undying devotion to your ability to feed it, a reduction in your cable bill, that girl with the big tits that always smiles at you when she gives you back your change, the batteries in the remote are still good, those pills still blot out the pain and, oh shit, I’m unraveling over here aren’t I? [shakes head vigorously] Sorry. Look, things aren’t that bad-you’ve got a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, a roof over your head, food to eat and enough money/spare time to make dick jokes. In my estimation you all are very well off. Cheers to you! TO THE GAMES!
Bal/Cin-The Ravens get a better chance at a .500 season because Cincy doesn’t have wr Green, te Eifert or lb Burfict on the field. Say goodbye to Steve Smith Sr-my hope is that he is magically transported to the broadcast booth immediately after the game.
Hou/Ten– Cassell? Savage? Let’s call the whole thing off. This could have been a division-decider but the Titans were ball-blasted by the Bradley-less Jags last week. smgdh…
Car/TB– Tampa needed a win last week for this game to matter. They can still make the playoffs if feathers fly out of recently-suspended Doug Martins butt.
Jax/Ind– The Jags need a new head coach with a rep for handling young talent almost as badly as the Colts need to focus on their O-line and D in the up-coming draft and free agency period.
NE/Mia– The Fins need this one badly as it would mean pushing over Houston as opposed to getting crushed by the Steelers next week. The Pats only losses have come at home, so there’s that. As always, fuck the Patriots.
Chi/Min– Drag out the old “playing for pride” chestnut for this one. Oh what could have been for the Vikes this year. Oh the stench coming off the Bears reminds me of a dead cat.
Buf/NYJ– Interim Bills guy Anthony Lynn is in the unique spot of auditioning for the HC position of both teams on the field today. He turned around a turgid Bills O after getting promoted to OC and he also has a six year run as the Jets rb coach on his CV. Tons of folks will tell you that the Jets Bowles is safe and sound despite the fact that many of those same people also maintain that he lost the locker room several weeks ago.
Dal/Phi– As much as Eagles fans thought that the playoffs were likely this year, 6/10 or 7/9 was written all over this team. Still, they’ve got some pieces of the puzzle in place and they will progress next year and that means that the NFC East will be quite the jungle for the next few years.
Cle/Pit– I see at least one more player injury affecting the playoffs. So if the coaching staff could get Ben, Bell and Brown out of the game as quickly as possible that would be great.
Some of these teams have nothing to play for but you, my friends have everything to type for. SO TYPE AWAY!!!
ROMO!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!
— No one
I burnt much of the precious oil I had stored for nights such as last evening, deep into the night; an evening spent in the company of a fine lass (exquisitely aged), a finer scotch (aged just right), and the finest of feasts (no ageing here, we killed that meal). Alas, the light of a new year washes away the sins of the last, thank Jeebus, because 2016 can rightly fuck off.
Now if only I wasn’t wide awake 4-1/2 hours after finally ending the evening fun… dammit. Happy New Years, you gloriously dick joke making bunch.
THAT, my friends, is how you do New Years.
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Oh, I picked the Bears to cover today.
I am an idiot.
How much did you drink last night?
They should consider pulling Dak now.
tbh, I’ve been pulling Dak! for the last 5 minutes.
/my penis goes by the name of Dak, btw
Scotchy now:
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Every Michael Floyd touchdown in the playoffs is a victory for drunk driving.
one wonders if PIT would be trying if CLE were 0-15. But we will NEVAR know, will we, King Laserface??
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Mother in law is Windexing a table right at my elbow while I’m trying to watch the game. Passive aggressive enough?
I cannot stand passive aggressive bullshit. All the people in my family do that shit.
Kill her
No, wait until she finishes and then put your drink down without using a coaster.
Mooreception in Miami
I am serious…..and don’t call me Shirley.
Horridly bad reply fail.
Sorry….carry on.
Best director for a Jesus film – Zack Snyder or Michael Bay?
John Woo because doves.
Tarantino
In the spirit of our new relationship with Russia.
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Breaking News….
Fuck the NFL.
OK, that might not be news.
More of a tagline for 2017
Obligatory.
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Floyddown?
I just read that Johhnny football has enrolled by in Texas A&M after no teams called him up. It’s to finish his degree in “recreation, parks and tourism sciences”.
I long await for the Texas A&M commercials…
Scene…a dark, utterly destroyed hotel room. A heavily drunk Manziel stumbles around the utter wreck of the room, searching for where the hotel room phone is. He finds it halfway through the drywall.
Manziel proceeds to dial about 12 different numbers, obviously at random. As soon as the other side picks up, Manziel starts slurring loudly…”I did it MA….I DID IT FOR YOUR! Just like I promised”…and the other end response as the hotel manager asking Manziel to leave the premises before the cops are called.
Fad to Texas A&M logo…
Scene….
he doesn’t want to get cut off/reduced from his family $20K/week allowance, I bet.
I really wish this could fit on a banner.
So are we sure this is the final Underworld movie?
They’re making another one?
Underworld 6 would like a word with you but it’s really busy in pre-production.
Until the Gritty Zack Snyder reboot in 2025.
Zack Snyder needs to be tossed in a deep hole and forgotten.
Well, Kate Beckinsale divorced the director. I’m guessing that was the last nail in that coffin.
OF COURSE Sam Bradford shall now go on the two-game bender of his fucking life.
Eagles playing well in meaningless games.
I thought all of their games are meaningless
since i’m too lazy…
there was a lake bell jumping on a stool gif mentioned last night?
yes, what about it?
I hear the Germans are really into pictures of hot women and stool.
YUP. Guess you will just have to wait FOAR Moose to wake up…
PRO TIP – was around end of Bama/start of Clemson pummelings
So, by show of hands…how many of you are watching a game where at least one of the teams has transparently packed it in for the year…
Yeah, I’m watching the Syracuse/BC tilt. What of it?
Guys. I think this Matt Barkley guy is the Bears QB of the future
Do they have a choice?
True or False: Carson Wentz would be really good if the Eagles had any cromulent wide receivers
Two QBs broke their leg last week. Why the fuck is Dak in?
Jerry is insane and/or high af
Ravens and Cowboys are both playing hungover as fuck today…
And you know….that kind of makes sense…
SAUTÉ saute sauté saute.
Sauté.
Sauté.
Eggs, spinach, and kale. That was tasty.
I did eggs, broccoli, goat cheese. Good times.
I get swampass just LOOKING at that Miami game. Fuck Florida.
Back from a 6.5 mile walk. Don’t make watch the Bears game.
I got Pats-Dolphins and Bucs-Carolina…
Crap….
I’m getting up dammit.
Time for a soft scrambled egg sandwich and time to sort my black eye peas.
Romo! Romo!
According to ESPN, it looks as though the Chipster is going to rejoin the college ranks and be a genius again…
Where?
Sorry, there is a report that he’s done at San Fran-I just assumed he’s going back to college because he’s un-hireable in the NFL right now.
I’m surprised he didn’t bounce back to college after the Eagles…
You know…I think they should allow the players to do the same. Another couple of years in college may do some of them good.
He should go to one of the Other 5 conferences who are threatening to start their own playoffs.
I hear Kentucky Kenton Kollege is hiring.
I love this town.
FOLKS. It’s Quad game day.
but they all shitty/devoid of meaning, for most part. I’m just curious to see how much booger sugar (h/t, my hairdresser lady) Scott Muthafuckin’ Hansen has to consume to feign his baseline excite.
Stomping Babies Day brings back such great memories…
Man fucks with bear, bear fucks with man.
-The Revenant’s elevator pitch
looks like this dance with the Raiders will be Strokey Kubes’ last awkward tango…
/retiring for health reasons
Smart man.
you will never see an uglier motherfucker score a purtier goal than whut Olivier Giroud done FOAR Horatio’s Arsenal this morning. Jesus fuck.
I’m going to the gym before the games. It will be interesting to see how many girls with low self-esteem show up to “start the year off right”.
The pool was interesting this morning.
My gym is closed today.
Bastards.
Destroying my marriage aside I cannot wait for The Sanchize to make his Dallas debut.
And then be cut seconds after the game.
Just complained to the wife that we haven’t had sex since last year.
Apparently I’m not as funny as I think I am either.
Very nice temporally displaced two parter joke.
I’m impressed.
I also might be the only one who gets it…but I’m cool with that. I can appreciate the beauty of it enough for everyone.
HEY!! I ‘member once you pointed it out and I thinky FOAR an hour-ish.
/fuck you, I’m old and pill-addled
You had me at “those pills still blot out the pain” the rest of 2017 can just fuck off an die already. We’uns just waiting FOAR the bombs to drop and Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny to shit theyselves.
The Fuck Lions shat themselves last week. Today is just a continuation of a week-long bout of diarrhea.
For the first time in what seems like forever, LA gets four games on the TV today. None of them are Cleveland-Pittsburgh, so 2017 is already off to a great start!
We ended up making three pounds of crab legs last night. We ate maybe one pound (I also made steak, we had shrimp cocktail, asparagus, mashed potatoes, and ate a bunch of peanut M&Ms while prepping — don’t tell Yeah Right).
I have no idea what we’re going to do with the other two pounds.
Also, I’d never made crab legs before. Very easy. Made me want to head do to the local U, get up on the table, and call the Valley…
http://i.imgur.com/op3gjE7.jpg
So what you’re saying is that you’re starting 2017 with peanutty poops.
Well done!
I’m just going to guess that Yeah Right has a killer recipe for cold crab salad kicking around somewhere.
Yeah right’s fresh and tasty crab cakes!
Start with all of the leftover crab.
Couple of eggs.
Some panko bread crumbs.
Old bay seasoning.
And a skillet with lots of melted butter.
I see a Crab Ceasar Salad in the near future.
/freeze the rest and break it out when you want to do a seafood Alfredo pasta dish thingy.
I hate you already
Say goodbye to Steve Smith Sr-my hope is that he is, magically transported
to the broadcast boothimmediately after the game, to the set of Undistputed where he murders Skip and spares Shannon so that he may henceforth travel the lands and tell of Smith’s deeds through a mouthful of marbles.That’d be good as well.
I’m trying to come up with a reason why I should watch Ravens/Bengals. “Sunday Ticket is already paid for” seems inadequate this week.
To see Pacman end Smith’s career on a cheap shot in the third quarter of what he’s already announced as his final game?
I feel the same thing about Vikings vs Bears.
There’s no way I’m watching that shit.
Is it too early to start bitching? Less than 6 hours of sleep sounds about right to fuck up the start of the year.
I’d kill for six hours right now.
It is too early. Drinking has consequences, Trump will be President, and women are funny – get over it.
“Drinking has consequences”?
I wish you’d told me that 25 years ago. Oh well, too late now…
Never too early for cheesecake:
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