Fair warning…this could get ugly…

As you were all warned….errrrrr told last week, I am filling in for ballsofsteelandfury on AFL Beat for the next two weeks while he’s jet setting all over the globe.

Now, I’m not going to lie to you fine folks.  I’m very nervous about doing this…

As everyone is aware, balls is very, very thorough with these weekly updates.  It is one of my favorite weekly DFO features, truth be told.  Having said that, it is a bit daunting to be trying to live up to that standard.  Now, balls did tell me where to find all the gifs and vids and all that stuff.  He even made me this cool little google docs thingy to make things easier for the ladder and such.  Unfortunately, I was too distracted (translation:  drunk) to understand the google docs thingy, or pay attention to the other things he told me.  Now he’s out of the country and I’m stuck….

But, balls has entrusted me with this so I’m going to suck it up, medicate myself, and do my best….

I’m sure it will work out just fine.  Right?

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Welcome to Balls of Steel’s (and tWBS’ Too!!!) AFL Beat!

So right off the bat…

My mistake was playing poker all night both Friday and Saturday night and not watching any of these matches.  Now I have to read all of the recaps and act like I know what I’m talking about.  But at least I did find the highlights vids I need, so at least I’ve got that going for me.

I need another drink…

Dangit!!!

OK, Round 3 dammit.  Let’s talk about it I guess….

Sydney Swans v Collingwood Magpies

balls told ya this one would be close…it was.  He also told ya that the 0-2 Swans were looking for their first win.  They didn’t get it.  This makes me happy.  Why does it make me happy?  Well as ol’ ballsy mentioned last week, my Nazi Aussie acquaintance, who is about the worst combination of beautiful on the outside and ugly (and also batshit insane) on the inside is a Swans’ fan.  Well, she’s really not.  But her family is, allegedly.  Then Nazi cray cray tried to use that to guilt me last year because of a very innocent joke I made re: Geelong v Sydney, and told me that even though she isn’t really a fan, her opinion matters more because I’m American and I’m not invested.  When I reminded her I’d been a Geelong fan longer than she’s been alive, she called me names.  Narcissism ftw (hers, not mine).

So while it’s not worth breaking the now blissful silence between us and reaching out to her (bcuz it took me too long to get her to go away and I’m not screwing that up at this point) in order to give her the mature response of….nyah nyah nyah!!!!!…..it does make me happy that Sydney is winless thru Round 3.  Suck it, Sydney…  80-79, Collingwood breaks Sydney’s collective heart…

North Melbourne Kangaroos v GWS Giants

balls told you this one would be close too.  It wasn’t.  Good gawd, Giants….Kangaroo for dinner, eh?  Meh, I’ll try anything once…

109-67, Giants take it (sounds like an NCSU basketball score, btw…NCSU would have the 67, fwiw).

Richmond Tigers v West Coast Eagles

I frankly don’t care about either of these two teams, but Richmond is looking like a sleeper maybe.  In what sounds like a rather messy affair, the Tigs outlasted the Eagles 76-65 to move to 3-0.  Not too shabby…

Geelong Cats v Melbourne Demons

Two words:  Suck it Melbourne.  OK, that’s 3 words.  But the Cats stay perfect after pounding on the Demons for a bit, 126-97.

Speaking of Geelong, the greatest team of all…

Check out this scarf…

That’s tWBS’ official 2016 Member Scarf.  Guess where I got it?  If you answered anything other than from the lovely and talented ballsofsteelandfury, then you lose.  That dude is one generous Mexican.

It really bugs me that whenever I hear that…I also hear this…

I may have watched too much TV as a kid.

Anywhooooo….moving on….

Port Adelaide Power v Adelaide Crows

A match between two unbeatens who also happened to have held the two top spots on the ladder leading into Round 3.  And while I wouldn’t necessarily call this a beat down, the Crows did manage to come from behind after a very slow start and were then very steady and impressive down the stretch.  They might just be for realz methinks.  100-83, the Crows handle the Power without too much difficulty.  They’ve also taken over the top spot on the ladder as a result.  Again, not too shabby.

Fremantle Dockers v Western Bulldogs

Well this one escalated quickly.  As balls told ya last week, Freemantle, as a club, appeared to be on life support and panicking.  And they still might be, I suppose.  But for one week at least, the new look Dockers played like champions and took down the big boys on the block in convincing fashion.  Probably a fluke, but time will tell.  89-73, Dockers top the Bulldogs.

St. Kilda Saints v Brisbane Lions

Welp, the winless Saints answered the bell on this one, and possibly saved a season.  Still work to be done, but avoiding going to 0-3 was huge for them.  Convincing beat down to stay alive, 107-76, the Saints pound the Lions.

Carlton Blues v Essendon Bombers

Remember last week when balls told ya that the Blues have a problem scoring?  Well it seems it’s contagious.  Good lord this one was fugly.  I mean is this a misprint?  Did they cancel the 2nd half or something?  Holee molee.  Neither club should be proud of this one.  But the Blues gut it out and top the Bombers, 57-42.  Jeebus.

Gold Coast Suns v Hawthorn Hawks

Fuck off, Hawthorn.  You just moved to 0-3 and looked really bad doing it.  And you’re on the bottom rung.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch.  Except maybe Sydney (oh yeah, they suck too…yay).  Gold Coast with the yuuuuge beat down on Hawthorn, 139-53.

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The Ladder

I’ve opted to insert this image of this week’s ladder rather than use balls’ normal chart.  Why?  Look at the bottom and you’ll see.  Sydney and Hawthorn both winless and sitting in the cellar WITH BIG RED DOWN ARROWS!!!!!  Sadly, they can’t go much lower.  *sigh*

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Footy Tipping, Anyone?

OK so like no lie, I have no idea how this little competition or its scoring works….I hope you guys do….

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Round 4 Schedule (shit, now I gotta figure out time zones)

OK, just to be consistent we’ll stick with balls’ normal Pacific Times.  But I don’t like it….

(and seriously….I do not guarantee I’ve correctly shifted all of these times correctly)

Thursday, April 13th

West Coast Eagles v Sydney Swans – Domain Stadium – 3:10am PDT

We’re all Eagles fans this week.  Sydney goes 0-4 I may have to reconsider my no nyah!! nyah!! nyah!! policy.  No, not really.

North Melbourne Kangaroos v Western Bulldogs – Etihad Stadium – 11:20pm PDT

Friday, April 14th, 2017

Melbourne Demons v Freemantle Dockers – MCG – 8:45pm PDT

GWS Giants v Port Adelaide Power – UNSW Canberra Oval – 11:35pm PDT

Saturday, April 15th, 2017

Carlton Blues v Gold Coast Suns – Etihad Stadium – 2:25am PDT

Adelaide Crows v Essendon Bombers – Adelaide Oval – 3:10am PDT

Collingwood Magpies v St Kilda Saints – Etihad Stadium – 10:20pm PDT

Brisbane Lions v Richmond Tigers – Gabba – 11:40pm PDT

Sunday, April 16th, 2017

Hawthorn Hawks v Geelong Cats – MCG – 10:20pm

That’s right bitches.  Cats will go to 4-0 as the Hawks go to 0-4.  Fuck off, Hawthorn.

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I’m Happy This Is Done…For This Week at Least

OK.  I won’t go so far as to say this AFL Beat is great.  Or even good.  But it doesn’t suck as much as I expected.  Maybe I won’t be so nervous next week.

But probably I will be.

And I know you’re all expecting me to start posting sexy girls now.  But I’m not gonna.

Wait….YES I AM!!!!!!!

Miranda Kerr, everybody!!!!  Collingwood Magpies fan.  She perrty…

And this is Blake Lively.  As far as I know she’s not an AFL fan of any club.  But this photo happened to come up in the Miranda Kerr search for some odd reason.  And I kinda liked it, so I’m sharing.  You’re welcome….

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OK, that’s it.  Go home.  See ya’s next week, then hopefully balls will be back and do this the right way.

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