A Bitter Canucks Fan’s Totally Arbitrary NHL Playoff’s Preview

So, it’s playoff time again. And, once again, my hometown Ice Liouns are on the outside golfing in.

Plus, five coaches got got within 24 hours of the end of the season, so it must be time for playoffs.

The puck drops on the chase for Lord Stanley’s mug on Wednesday, with 5 games on the schedule. Just like last year, I’m putting out the call to interested Commentists who want to contribute a write-up on their favourite team. As of this post, Calgary, Pittsburgh, Columbus, h’Ottawa and maybe the Oilers have all been claimed, but there’s still plenty more to choose from. Have a look at last year’s stellar lineup of contributions about the Western and Eastern Conferences to draw your insights.

The Capitals can pretty much be repeated verbatim.

Right now, to draw your participation, ire and rebuttals, I am going to wildly speculate on the outcome of the first round series, with absolutely no factual basis in reality. You know, the DFO way.

Eastern Conference:

Montreal Canadiens  vs. New York Rangers 

Growing up, my Dad was a Habs fan. Since all Canadians outside the 416 are taught from birth to hate Toronto, my allegiance fell to the Bruins. Lets see how that went:

But I also hate the Rangers, because that prick holding the trophy above-right not only beat the Canucks for the Cup in 1994, but then came to the Canucks and drove the team into the shitter for almost a decade by driving away all its good players because he was Mark Messier.

Prediction: who cares. Hopefully, a fucking meteor.

Ottawa Senators vs. Boston Bruins

Even I have to admit Brad Marchand is a giant prick, but at least he’s our prick. But Ottawa is what happens if white bread ever gains sentience. Still, my Bobby Orr & Ray Bourque cards demand only one choice.

Prediction: Bruins in 6.

Washington Capitals vs. Toronto Maple Leafs 

This one is easy, but contains a caveat. The Capitals have a horrific tendency to shit the bed in early rounds. If they do it against the Leafs, it runs the risk of the national media in Canada fellating that franchise more than they already do. No one needs that. Not up here; not down there.

Prayer-diction: Capitals in 5.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets

I hate John Tortorella almost as much as Mark Messier. Bad things should keep happening to him.

Prediction: Penguins in 5.


Western Conference:

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators

The Blackhawks are consistent; Nashville is fun to watch. I want the Hawks to win so they can eventually face the Oilers in a dream-match, but Nashville winning might kill Gary Bettman. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Prediction: Blackhawks in 7; Gary Bettman has a stroke after Game 6.

Minnesota Wild vs. St. Louis Blues 

The Blues got over their Blackhawks hump last year, so even though they sort of limped into the playoffs, “Stanley Cup champion Minnesota Wild” just doesn’t do it for a kid who remembers Bobby Smith and the old North Stars.

Prediction: Blues in 6

Anaheim Ducks vs. Calgary Flames 

Fuck Ryan Kesler.

Prediction: Flames in 6

Edmonton Oilers vs. San Jose Sharks

Look at this shit. It’s not a playoff beard if you started it 4 years ago. Plus, you’re not Zlatan – cut that fucking thing off the top of your head as well. When a team’s sole basis of personality is “Lookit our defenceman!” because it’d otherwise be “Fuck Joe Thornton!”, you might be doomed.

Plus, Oilers – Blackhawks in the Conference final really is fun to think about. That’s some 80s old school with 2017 talent.

Prediction: Oilers in 5.

When you look at the actual matchups, there’s not really a dog amongst them. They should all be entertaining, and just like March Madness, there’s always one first-round surprise.

If you’ve got a team you’d like to preview, let me know. Share your wisdom/lunacy with others. Remember – 15 of us are going to be wrong.

I don’t care it was 2009.

Join us!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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litre_cola

/looks at tv schedule.
/so beisbol it is or Mrs Cola wants to watch Riverdale…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Totally Arbitrary NHL Playoff’s Preview

So the same as ESPN’s hockey experts, then, eh?

litre_cola

Proper use of the word eh. I will accept it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have only been around Canadians in the oil industry, so my Canadianese is skewed.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One thing about that article is that it portrays Jews as the only victims of Hitler’s Reich. While they were the majority other groups singled out by the Nazis included LGBTQ individuals, the physically and mentally disabled, gypsies, Poles and other Slavic peoples, Jehova’s Witnesses, and members of political opposition groups.

/pedantry over.

Anyone who is a presidential press secretary who has not taken a single history class….. ah fuck it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You see, Hitler brought the Jews to the gas. With Assad it’s the exact opposite!”

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/spicer-says-hitler-didnt-use-poison-gas

King Hippo

yeah, this little red meat for the “cuck crowd” ain’t gonna go over too well methinks…

King Hippo

oh, it’s also Passover (as noted in the TPM comments). SO MUCH WINNING

Senor Weaselo

I would’ve expected it in Egypt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBis5Dy4-nQ

nomonkeyfun

“Holocaust centers”

Next year Jewish kids will be asking, “Why is this administration different from all others?”

nomonkeyfun

The bitter herbs remind me how much I hate your father.

-Kushner

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We have more calls for meteors around here than an astronomy convention

litre_cola

There is a lot of hate to go around.

litre_cola

Need Flames Oil 2nd round. Have to have it.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Let’s go Blueshirts.

Enrico Pallazzo

Hating Torts is no excuse to root for Crosby and bitch pussy Malkin. Go CBJ!!!

Enrico Pallazzo

That stupid franchise should have known better in the first place. He’s been awesome here (so far).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Caps’ playoff chances (artist’s conception)
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Just kidding, I have faith.
You can all stop laughing now, please.
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Sharkbait

Ovi must have plugged his controller back in

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blaxabbath
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of “scratch”, what’s going on with Jay Cutler? Is he even gonna play this year?

nomonkeyfun

Speaking of Scratch:
https://youtu.be/EN4V8w23fUc

Don T

There’s no way the Texans fail to sign him.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The Cowboys? I don’t think it would be a wise move to leave Jay alone with a giant can of ham, but that’s just me.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of cats and ham, last night Lily wanted some of my pork loin so bad she actually crawled into my lap while I was sitting at the dinner table.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So you’re saying…
/sunglasses
You had some pussy seeking out your loins?
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–BiHTS5xG–/18n3ykjprzaedjpg.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“There’s no way the Texans fail…”

Famous last words.

Don T

May 13, 2017: Cutler arrives early to a meeting, interrupts Rick Smith trying to persuade Bob McNair and Bill O’Brien
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