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King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)

Welcome back for another weekend of…things.  The Darkest Timeline offers no guarantees in terms of results, nor entertainment value.

We start our weekend at White Hart Lane, where “Bound FOAR 2nd” Spurs host “15th and falling but still safe” Bournemouth (7:30, NBCSN).  The Cherries failed to make much of an impression at home against Chelsea, so it seems unlikely they will do much more at their closest pursuers.  One never knows, but I ain’t setting my alarm.

In the 10:00 window, NBCSN is strangely featuring 16th position Palace hosting 11th position Leicester.  Both teams are on good form, I suppose.  But not really playing for very much any more, with the last relegation spot now clearly between Hull and Swansea.  Swans trail Hull by 2 points in the table (and 1 on goal differential) and get 10th position Watford this week (CNBC), while the Tigers make the dreaded trek to Stoke City (Extra Time).  This relegation scrap will be a fight to the finish.  But fuck ’em all, I’m watching Everton at home to 12th position Burnley (Extra Time), enjoying what little of Romelu Lukaku we Blues have left.  FFS.

Soton host Man City (12:30, NBC) in a fixture with major Champions League qualification ramifications.  The Saints are quite capable of playing the spoiler role.  Possibly a fun game for the neutral viewer.

Sunday Funday begins with the Redshite hopefully struggling on the road yet again with a mid-table side – in this case, West Brom (8:30, NBCSN).  Would love to see these arrogant fucks miss out on Top 4, at least.  Then, the match of the week as Chelsea invade Old Trafford (11:00, NBCSN) and likely end United’s 20+ match unbeaten streak (less impressive considering like half have been draws).

Poor fookin’ Arsenal get another Monday Night Footy “showcase” for their dysfunctional selves, this time at doomed Boro (3:00, NBCSN).  How much do you enjoy watching a good car crash, as long as you’re not in the fucker?

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Jeebus.
Really Caps?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Now we know what caused Lamar Odom’s stroke.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Evening you fucks…

Ugh…Friday evening a good friend of mine was going back to the Hyderabad office. We spent months together working on a nightmare project in the Middle East…so naturally I was “sick” Friday to spend Thursday night getting destroyed.

Fast forward Friday afternoon, I learn my Polish coworker is back from a job in Turkey and somehow he landed two ladies in med school who wanted to hang out, get drunk, and do trivia at the bar I used to live above.

I get back to my new place around 3 am. The place is a wreck and despite the opportunities presented, I was just too fucking exhausted to have anyone over.

Fast forward, my new washer and dryer arrived at 630 am, I shit you not. I’m half asleep, brutally hung over, apologizing to the two guys in Spanish for not being awake and the one guy is just staring at me. I apologize for my terrible Spanish and he responds in Spanish, “no…your Spanish is pretty good. Its weird to have a customer here that speaks Spanish”

“Yeah…you can’t talk shit about me can you?” Both guys look confused until I start laughing and they join in.

They were done in like at most an hour…so I spent the rest of the day sleeping on the couch. I just now fucking got up to start unpacking more shit and doing laundry.

Don T
Member

¿Dónde las compraste? ¿JC Pérez?

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Home Depot.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Canadia CAN win!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Agreed.”

-Guy Simonds

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Ok, so real talk: I’ve met Unsurprised and I’ve seen pictures of ICRM and King Hippo. You guys are not Brad Pitts, but in the general population sense, you’re good-looking. I really don’t understand why you guys have sworn off sex. I’m sure there are more than a couple of gals that would love to lick your ice cream cones…

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Not sure about anyone else, but with spina bifida, I have to be INCREDIBLY careful with my back when it comes to any physical activity.

I’ve had it happen where I was in mid stroke, my back suddenly EXPLODES in pain, and I fall over.

You want to kill a mood, beg a woman to put cloths on you and take you to an emergency room.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am a Brad Pitt (older, balder and different looking), and I have sex ALL the time (unbeknownst to my “partners”).

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Which of us are Brad Pitts?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Take away the Brad.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

You’re a good looking dude yourself. Ben Affleck without the punchable face and personality?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

dang you weren’t talking to me, were you?

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

I’m jebus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

WELL I WAS FCUKING TRYING UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!!!!!

blaxabbath
Member

Hygiene

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Short version: It’s not a lack of access, it’s just a general lack of interest. I don’t find myself significantly happier when I’m having regular sex compared to when I’m not.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“YOU NEED TO GET DOWN TO THE MYERS CLINIC AND GET YOUR “T” LEVELS CHACKED! WE’LL GIVE YOU A CUSTOMIZED TREATMENT RIGHT IN THE OFFICE THAT DAY.”

-Commercial I just heard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

These commercials act like eating some fine pussy is not an option.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Interesting. I consider myself a sexual camel. I can go long periods without, but I still want it and when I get it, I stock up for the dry seasons ahead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oddly enough Balls also bites and spits at random people, but he is fast enough to be sought after by rich Saudis.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

This is all true.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Balls was VERY happy when they adopted machine jockeys.comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Again, a cameltoe search fails.

http://www.camelsports.com/

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

OHHHHH. So that’s what led to Lamar Odom’s stroke.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So here’s a question sort of along those lines: there’s this “conventional wisdom” that guys would prefer a girl to leave after sex because you don’t want her there when you wake up. But that never made sense to me, cause wouldn’t you want her to still be there in the morning so you could have sex with her again?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Usually I have to get off the bus right away.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My brother is that way. And the short answer is he absolutely hates women.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

That was always my thought. If all went well the first time why WOULDN’T you have MOAR? Then again I usually was at their place and was asked to stay.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I’m with both of you guys. If I’m having it at night, I’m having it in the morning too. I don’t understand that trope. Then again, I, like Shogun, am used to playing away games.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Coming before bed, coming before rise. You’re lucky to be there dummy, sticking around would be wise.

litre_cola
Member

So a buddy of mine didnt want to have a big wedding, so he got married at his house new years eve. Decides that it would be best to have his reception tonight. Right smack dab in the middle of a long weekend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Good choice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Van Gogh said, “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” Your beliefs greatly affect your behaviors. When you identify what beliefs are holding you back and act in spite of them, your results will begin to change.”

Another thing Van Gogh said was “I’m gonna cut off my own ear cause I’m shitbird crazy.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

David R. Berkowitz listened to these voices, but they were “from the neighbor’s dog” …….

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Time to get some coffee and move about the neighborhood. Don’t get into too much trou— Oh, who am I kidding?

Random model my brother has done shoots with before.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

If you’re a photographer, you probably hate Terry Richardson for ruining it for everybody. And by “it” I mean “the prospect of sexually exploiting your models.”

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey MLB!!! It’s time to put this whole #42 bullshit away.
You’ve killed it. Well done.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Yeah, it’s just annoying at this point.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The new MST3K came out on Netflix last night. I only bring it up because even though I have the original in “My List” it showed up no where last night when I was looking and had to do a search for it today to find it. I have never known Netflix not to try to shove their premiering show down my throat before.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

My hot former classmate got an IG reply from one of her cosplay photos by someone named “crushing_gash” and I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw that.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You had me at “hot former classmate”.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

And if I weren’t so paranoid, I’d at least share pics from her IG. Alas, you’ll have to take my word for it.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Isn’t IG public? What’s the harm in giving us her handle?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

She seems nice.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

YUM

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Especially for a lawyer

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

We like her.
We like her….a lot.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

We probably won’t stalk her.
And by “we” i mean me.
And by “probably won’t” we mean….well, never mind.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Accurate

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I used to be a fan of Opie and Anthony, but my God are those two trainwrecks without the other.

Opie gets relegated to the afternoon slot on Sirius, and Anthony now gets to be a bitter, lonely old man who lives in his McMansion and bitches about black people.

Gratliff
Member

I gave up on O&A maybe a year and a half before Ant got fired, having listened to it since 2001. Listening to Ant spiral was like watching the very birth of the alt right movement. The more money he got, the more time he spent with Fox News personalities, the more you could hear the radicalization setting in. He was bordering on Alex Jones territory by the end of it, which is a shame because his impressions from the first half of his career were fucking gold. I’ve heard good things about Opie’s new show, but haven’t checked it out recently. If his tweets are anything to go by, he’s getting the Milton treatment from Office Space. From the literal last show before being fired for Sex for Sam:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JUGFvKyLJ0

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Just like Adam Carolla

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Welcome back, Buddy.

They were syndicated on a local channel for about 18 months in ABQ, around 2007, and it was great.

litre_cola
Member

Great result for you Hippo. How was the game?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Dear Deadspin,

Hamilton Nolan is editorial AIDS, Jezebel is faux-white girl feminism, and stop trying to make e-sports happen.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Boys, I have to say that Real is the best team in the world. That hurts me as a Barca fan, but it’s true.

Also, watching a soccer game in Europe is an awesome experience.

litre_cola
Member

You shut your dirty mouth.

Yes, it is an amazing experience.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Sounds like she went down in a heap, OHHHHHH!

Hickory dickory dock, I love eating man cock. OHHHHHHHH!”

Buddy Dice Clay

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Dude????

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Jeebus. Can’t even imagine.

yeah right
Member

I must have woke up hungry because I started randomly looking at local restaurant menus.

The good news is I’ve narrowed down my food options to either Greek, Chinese, Italian, Cuban, Lebanese, Mexican or Indian.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Cuban

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Well at least you’ve got a good idea of where you’re going.
Wait……

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey guess what I learned today?
Shirtless rednecks walking in the middle of the road don’t like it when you stop and shout “Hey you fucking dumbass redneck, get out of the middle of the fucking road!!!”

They like it even less when they think they’re gonna kick some ass and suddenly a crowbar appears from thin air out of the Dave bed.

This day is starting off very poorly.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Good ol’ Dave

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath
Member

Damn it! Am I responsible for the Heap piece bc ARI used to play him?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

And another thing – why I do I feel like I had ten martinis last night? I only had one. Granted, it was a very large one, but still…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

It was enough to kill off the gin, so we’re down to vodka, bourbon, scotch, fancy scotch, fancy bourbon, tequila, fancy tequila, pisco, rum, fancy rum, coconut rum, other fancy rum, Costco tequila, and assorted liquers to get through the rest of the year. Fingers crossed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, also very little cognac and brandy and some single-serving brandy things that my wife bought in Germany.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Also some Irish whiskey and another thing of fancy-ish tequila. And some sugarcane stuff that I don’t think counts as a liqueur.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, also that Greek stuff I won at Balls’ birthday scavenger hunt a couple years ago.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, and also those horrifying flavored Stoli vodkas – Gala Apple and [sic] Chocolat Kokonut.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

And some armangac and a little bit of Jack Daniels.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Are you sure you can make it to Fourth of July?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m allowed to buy beer and wine, so I should manage.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Still no joy on Marshawn Lynch.

Also, this composter my friend gave me is a fucking joke. It’s made out of shitty steel, so a hole has already rusted into the bottom. Are they unaware that compostable materials often contain moisture?

blaxabbath
Member

Plastic yo.

Or epoxy coat it if you like to overdo stuff. Even Walmart has little fiberglass repair patch kits,

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh! That’s better advice than you’d know – I’ve got my surfboard repair kit just sitting around collecting dust. That would do the job nicely.

blaxabbath
Member

I know how good it is. I’m the smrtest guy around here.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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