The Night Chicago Died A Song that I Wish was True

Well, that didn’t take long.

I now hate Cubs fans more than I hate Patriots fans. Part of this new black well of hatred is the fault of my oldest spawn – JJ Fozz III. (Yes, there is a third generation Fozz, but he is nothing like his father. He is kind, loving, smart, and athletic. He is also a huge baseball fan. I’m getting a DNA test.)

Back to the Cubs fans bullshit. When the Cubs won I paused for a second and thought, “That’s good. Now I don’t have to hear any more of this ‘it’s been a million years since the Cubs won’ bullshit.”

(Then I went back to building scale replicas of medieval torture devices to be used on the goddamn mice that plague my home. If I could convince Mrs. Fozz that a shotgun would be quicker and much more fun, than I wouldn’t have to be looking up directions for building an iron maiden. )

I was wrong about going back to my normal life – whatever in fuck that happens to be. The flood gates of fellatio had opened. The massive collection of bootlicking, braindead, shit breathing fucks known as the national media grabbed on to this event and wouldn’t let go. The last time a pack of cubs got this much asslicking was at a gay pride parade in San Francisco.

Recently, I had the misfortune of seeing a piece on ESPN (home of the tapeworm infested Chris Berman, and shitheel dickbrain Stephen A. Smith, a dumbass who makes his living by yelling and making white people feel guilty.) I fucking hate this channel more than Lifetime. It’s fast food media and I would rather shove bamboo sticks up my nose than watch 10 fucking minutes of this crap.

The video was about Cubs fans that wanted to be the people who gave out the rings to the Cubs at the home opener. I’m not sure where Wrigley Field is, but I bet those twats to be safely transported there by a team of SEALs in the last working Panzerkampfwagen VI Tiger Ausf. E. Chicago wants to beat Baltimore in gun deaths. Game on.

Of course there were the tug at your heartstring contestants. One chap was a living fossil that was alive when the Cubs last won, or something like that. His bones had the consistency of peanut brittle and his blood was thicker than molasses. The other fan was a young lady with cerebral palsy I was impressed by her story, and her attitude. (I may be heartless and full of hate; I will never make fun of a disabled person. Even dickheads like me have limits.)

The other people were just the usual fanboys who masturbate over the stats column in the daily paper. Literally masturbate over it, and shower the newsprint with their pitiful offerings. One dude named each of his kids after famous Cubs players – this is amazing because he had more than one kid.

Doing this doesn’t make you a fan, it makes you an industrial size loser who married the first woman dumb enough to fuck you. That’s it. You are deplorable and I hope your kids shove you in a 50-gallon barrel and thrown you in to the Chicago Harbor or whatever in fuck they have in that town. I’m sure the locals will use it for target practice.

Remember back in the 80s when Jim Belushi was a thing? You would think that the amount of sausage, beer, cocaine, and young starlets he consumed would have made his heart explode – no such luck. He wore Cubs shit in every one of his fucking vomitfest movies because they were the loveable losers. And because he was a fuckwit.

This is when I began to hate the Cubs, because they were a bandwagon team – how in the fuck, in this country of ours that doesn’t tolerate a loser – see the opening speech in Patton – decide that a loser team was fun to root for? They are not underdogs, they are the dogs of dogs.

And Wrigley Field – holy Christ on a hammock. I FUCKING GET IT! The field is old, there is ivy, tickets are free and you can sit on someone’s roof to watch the game. When you enter the stadium, you are given head by a super model and when you blow your load, unicorns shoot out of your dick. Please, it’s probably a moldering, stinky butthole of a building that needs to be torpedoed.

So fuck the Cubs and their fans. While we’re at it, fuck Chicago.

I went there once and it was so cold my fucking liver froze. Everyone there talks with that annoying flat Midwestern accent and many of them resemble John Candy if you crossbred him with a retarded rock ape.

Michael Jordan was a degenerate gambler and people I know who’ve met him said that he was an asshole. In fact, he is now a captain in ISIS.

Mike Ditka should go piss up a rope, stupid fuck. The pack of mutants he coached could have won a Super Bowl with Granny from Looney Tunes coaching them.

Chicago the band makes you impotent when you listen to them.

Chicago the musical sucks ass, because it’s a musical.

Cloud Gate is a sham piece of modern art – a funhouse mirror does the same goddamn thing for much less. Plus, you don’t get shot in the spleen when you are looking at one.

Finally, John Hughes deserves a punch in his lifeless corpse, because he was always featuring the City of the Broad Shoulders in his cardboard cut out movies.

Sorry Zimm.

 

Thing That Made Me Smile This Week

My youngest spawn took a dump in the toilet that looked like it had been hatched by a longshoreman who was on a beef and cheese only diet.

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Cuntler

I just re-read this, and you missed the following obvious targets: Deep Dish Pizza, the Superfans, hot dogs without ketchup, the Daly Family, Rahm Emmanuel, Lincoln Park Trixies, and Malort.

Yeah, there’s a reason I live in not Chicago. Go Bears.

King Hippo

The Small Bears broke the 7th seal and can go fucking fuck themselves.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler

EAT SHIT CARDINALS FAN!

(again, with all due respect)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I now hate Cubs fans more than I hate Patriots fans.

WHOA, WHOA. WHOOOOA! Let’s not go fucking crazy here.

This is good, amusing hate, keep up the hateraide.

Don T

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Cuntler

How did you get my photo?

Romonobyl

Spent my youth in Joliet, a city famous for its prison system, which is about an hour from the that hog-butcher place. Went to a few Cubs games, I was disappointed at how small Wrigley Field actually is. Oh, the neighborhood was also decidedly dicey, the real reason they fought night games way back then wasn’t about tradition, it was to keep the tourist murder rate down.
I enjoyed the city back then, I understand that it has…declined…somewhat. In fact, during 4th of July fireworks, Chicago parents calm their children by telling them it’s only gunfire.

entropy

The only good thing about Chicago is that my mom was born there, and had the good sense to get the fuck out young. I have an asshole uncle and his asshole kid out there and they can fuck right off. Driving anywhere NEAR that pestilent, suppurating wound of a city is a national fucking disgrace. In short, everything about this was 100% correct.

Cuntler

EAT SHIT PACKERS FAN!

(respectfully, of course)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good hate here, peoples.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You make some good points, but still go fuck yourself.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw Jim Belushi’s kid act in a play one time. There were literally more people in the play than were in the audience. Which is too bad, because I thought it was a pretty interesting story, and the kid was a decent enough actor.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So WAAAAAAAAAAAY better than dad then.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t apologize to me, I 100% agree with you.

Cuntler

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Cuntler

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Cuntler

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LemonJello
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I lost all respect for Yankees fans after the way they reacted to that. Which was already in negative territory, so the math ended up getting kind of complicated.

And then this happened, and I felt better.

Cuntler

(I actually appreciate the hate. Good work. I hope the job interview went well.)

nomonkeyfun

The last time a pack of cubs got this much asslicking was at a gay pride parade in San Francisco.

I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your magazine. I assume there are pictures.

-Rodgers

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I really should have read this post before booking my flight to Chicago last week.

http://m.mlb.com/images/0/8/0/154357080/101315_chc_weird_face_guy_lo_i85xlq47.gif

Enrico Pallazzo

We should have all seen this coming. These are the same fucking people that shoehorn Michael Jordan into every goddamn conversation still to this day with no end in sight. They aren’t lovable losers. They never were. They’re just goddamn losers.

LemonJello

See also: the 85 Bears

Cuntler

The only people that talk about the ’85 Bears are people who aren’t Bears fans who say “All that Bears fans talk about are the ’85 Bears,” like Steve Rosenbloom and Skip Bayless. We all talk about how much John Fox sucks ass and how much Ryan Pace probably doesn’t know what he is doing. You’re better than that, man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You may want to check your older, nostalgic Bears fans…. although when I have heard it more recently, they tend to use it to either woe-is-me or bitch about the current situation as you said.

LemonJello

I grew up in Illinois, and I heartily agree with 97.63% of this.

Also,
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