this:
I am a young man of a certain age. That certain age means that I grew up under the threat of nuclear armageddon during the Cold War. I also saw the end of the Cold War and the uneasy transition to the world we live in today where enemies are not easily identifiable by a uniform. To paraphrase a quote from today’s topic, we live in the grays now. The world is no longer black and white.
The Bond movies were born of the same era, roughly, in which I was born and they feel as much a part of me as Cure songs, Mexican soccer teams, and Latina single mothers. What can I say? They’re in my wheelhouse.
I have seen every James Bond movie ever made except one. I have also read all the books. For today’s topic, and in honor of the late Roger Moore, I have one burning question dedicated to each Bond film. In order:
1- Dr. No (1962) – Since Dr. No is Chinese/German, not to be raycess, but there is no way in hell he had a Chinese father and German mother, right?
2- From Russia With Love (1963) – Is it weird that I was really proud that Pedro Armendáriz, a Mexican actor, played Kerim Bey, the Turkish station chief in Istanbul and even prouder of his attitude towards sex?
3- Goldfinger (1964) – Is it now clear why my avatar is the way it is?
4- Thunderball (1965) – Or that my nom de plume is Balls?
5- You Only Live Twice (1967) – When you first saw this movie, were you, like me, dying of laughter looking at “Japanese” 007?
6- On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – Did you guess that this one is the one I have never seen and that I have always boycotted seeing it because I always thought it was stupid for James Bond to get married? Follow up: Does it surprise you that I’m unmarried and think Derek Jeter is the smartest athlete in the history of the world?
7- Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – Am I the only one in the world that misses The Mob running Vegas?
8- Live and Let Die (1973) – Do you remember Geoffrey Holder, who played Baron Samedi, more for this role or for his 7 up ads?
9- The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) – Were you as surprised as me that Tattoo was working for Scaramanga and thought that he ended up escaping from the junk boat, washed ashore, and then started working for Mr. Rourke?
10- The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – WHERE THE FUCK IS MY UNDERWATER LOTUS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT SCIENTISTS?!?!?
11- Moonraker (1979) – Did you all have the same reaction as me watching this film: “Ooh, Venice! Cool, I want to go there some day. Ooh, Rio! Cool, I want to go there some day. Wait, 007 in Star Wars in space?!?! FUCK YOU!!”?
12- For Your Eyes Only (1981) – Ok, seriously, WTF with that dude eating pistachios all the fucking time?
13- Octopussy (1983) – Were you as obsessed as me with this guy’s pronounciation of the word “Octopussy” (at the 1:06 mark)?
14- Never Say Never Again (1983) – This crazy bitch with the puffy shirt
Mr. Bean,
world domination video games with electric shock mechanisms run by a fucked in the head villain
and this shit
how the fuck did this movie not make a billion dollars?
15- A View To A Kill (1985) – Is there better proof that everyone in Hollywood was doing a LOT of drugs in the 80s than this movie?
16- The Living Daylights (1987) – Were the d’Abo sisters the 80s equivalent of the Deschanel sisters or the other way around?
17- Licence To Kill (1989) – Real Talk: Wayne Newton fucking STOLE this movie, didn’t he?
18- Goldeneye (1995) – We’re all agreed that the absolute best way to die is between Famke Janssen’s thighs, right?
19- Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – Is it raycess that I think this movie has the worst Bond girls of any Bond movie ever made?
20- The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Is this not the greatest ending line in the history of cinema (1:16 mark)?
21- Die Another Day (2002) – Were you, like me, disappointed that someone didn’t stab Madonna with a fencing sword?
22- Casino Royale (2006) – So, um, that dress, huh?
23- Quantum of Solace (2008) – You have to admit, killing a guy by leaving him in the middle of a desert with a can of motor oil is pretty badass, no?
24- Skyfall (2012) – Am I the only one that asked his girlfriend to buy lipstick in this shade?
25- Spectre (2015) – Moose knew I was going to end on this, didn’t he?
and RIP, Mr. Moore. You were awesome.
Here’s a definition of classic hypocrisy:
The people who are all bent out of shape over the rumors of Idris Elba being cast as the next Bond (007 has always been white!), are the same morons who wonder why others are getting bent out of shape over Scarlett Johansson being cast as the lead in Ghost in the Shell, which is traditionally Japanese.
People are stupid.
Hollywood makes money for a reason; those angry at bad casting in reference to the story for The Ghost in the Shell are far outnumbered by the people who wouldn’t go if an Asian actor played the Captain but would go since ScarJo is.
Maybe some crossover to the group that sent Leslie Jones death threats and covered the internet with racist bullshit for her part in the Ghostbusters remake, fucking Ghostbusters!
I believe we are the same age Balls, I too am an enormous Bond fan. I used to love when TBS used to put on the marathon during December.
Also am a very large The Cure fan, travelled long distances to see Mr. Smith live a few times.
Disintegration was one CD I didn’t send back.
Whenever I am down I play Disintegration, which makes me more down. I think I am doing it wrong.
I get the opposite effect. I realize that things aren’t as bleak as Disintegration and I perk right up!
Fun fact…I say this every morning when I look in the mirror.
Fuckers keep getting lower and lower.
/grumble grumble
I think we are.
Things make a lot more sense now. This is one of my fav’s. Tho mostly it has to do with Walken’s really horrible acting performance. It was like he was practicing for the Continential on SNL or something.
But yeah…lotsa drugs. Wooooo.
Walken played Walken, or more of a caricature of Walken which made it even funnier in my mind. Somewhat like his Batman performance.
Yup, exactly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh8zcbC_Dcw
Since we’re coming out of the chronological closet age-wise, who else was a member of the Columbia House Music club? Keep your hands up if you actually ordered cassette tapes before CDs were a thing.
It was quite the e-mail scam if I remember correctly. They would automatically mail you a tape/disc or two every month based upon your musical preferences. You actually had to mail that shit back unopened or your account is billed accordingly. Forget about getting out, it was an audiophile’s Cosa Nostra through the United States Postal System. You were a member for life. If you failed to pay your bill, they’d send Grandmaster Flash to your home to slash your tires or Billy Joel to shoot out your porch light…
Based upon your musical preferences, of course.
“I’ve always been a “Victor/Victoria” guy myself.
-Rodgers
Tape/disc? GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!!
Barber of Seville fucking ruled! That should be required viewing by today’s youth.
Like fucking xmas when those tales came
I can’t believe I wrote “e-mail scam”, I even proofread that damned thing! Must have been reflexive, I guess I’m not as old as I thought.
I was! No, I didn’t receive Santana “Abraxas.”
Now get this! My selection were all sent to me on… 8 Track tape!
BMG or GTFO
I do not recommend exclaiming “Ohh, Live and Let Die is on!” while sitting next to your Black (ex) girlfriend on the couch.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/95604de64af305ad689e9a38c20dfc68/tumblr_nbd6k1szwA1tkvjb3o1_500.gif
This has to hold the top spot of most RAYCESS Bond movie, followed by You Only Live Twice.
If you thought that was raycess, you should read the book…
“Oh I disagree, I thought it was quite insightful. I’ve always appreciated the work of a gifted fiction author, Anne Frank was my favorite”.
– Riley Cooper
“This guy gets it!”
-White House staff.
IMPROMPTU MOCK DRAFT: Worst Bond Girl.
1. Bibi Dahl (ice skating jailbait in For Your Eyes Only)
It’s a matter of taste, so whatever. I liked the play of an underage trying to bang Bond because of the WEIRDNESS, the awkwardness, of it. It didn’t play well at all in some sectors, which made me like it even more, Moore. Bang Bond. Bang Bond.
“I’ll say. Unless they wanna fight!”
— Riley Cooper
The other thing I liked about the earlier Connery ones is that the humor, not taking themselves seriously, and campiness seemed so much more genuine and unforced….. also much less product placement.
I enjoy them all now anyway, just some more than others.
19. Are you actually denigrating both Michelle Yeoh AND still-had-her-fastball Teri Hatcher? I DEMAND SATISFACTION, SUH! WATER PISTOLS AT DAWN!
Side note: according to Wikipedia, Yeoh was married to Dickson Poon. Who is somehow NOT a male porn star
I KNOW! He needs a good punch in the Thunderballs for that. Michelle Yeoh is mmmmmmmmm top to bottom and both ways. I guess the skinny and athletic gets me.
#8 – I saw the 7-Up ads long before I saw the movie…it was shocking that the jolly 7-Up guy was so damn menacing. Also, kudos on the list; maybe someday we can do a deep dive (phrasing?) on Christopher Walken’s hair in the Duran Duran movie.
I had the exact same reaction.
http://www.madmagazine.com/sites/default/files/MAD-Magazine-James-Bond-Skymall.jpg
Is that a Hitachi?
It always makes me happy to see that with just a little more time and effort, I could do Photoshops on par with such prestigious organizations as MAD.
I actually liked “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.” I stopped watching when the Timothy Dalton era started. I did see Casino Royale though.
Speaking of which, you forgot the original with David Niven, Peter Sellers and Woody Allen.
Christ I’m old enough for the glue factory.
Those Christmas puns were so terrible.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.