*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass
It seems that “Kinda like last year, but slightly worse” is not an adequate team preview, even if I tack on “Third in the NFC East.”
Where is the overexuberant and unrealistic optimism of the typical Redacteds fan, you may ask? And I would respond that third in the NFC East is maybe a bit optimistic, but my local bar has been invaded by Eagles fans, and while they’re actually pretty nice and fun to hang out with, I’ll be damned if I refrain from shit talking them mercilessly for even a second.
The ‘Dacteds have somehow managed to have a tumultuous offseason that’s resulted in very little actual change to the team, other than some shuffling of the receiver corps and the addition of some (hopefully awesome) draft picks and a couple of free-agents on defense.
The “tumultuous” bit comes from firing Scot McCloughan and re-franchising Kurt Cousins. This team needs a GM, having a GM is the only damn reason they’ve made any sort of progress in the past few years. The personnel of the team is now left in the hands of Snyderly Whiplash and The Other Gruden. Together they are as clueless as this kitten, and waaaay less adorable. Seriously, Dan Snyder is to the NFL what Jared Kushner is to Harvard.
Offense : The team got slightly less French with the departure of Pierre Garcon, and slightly more acceptable to pearl-clutchers with the departure of DeSean Jackson. The #1 receiver will now be Terrelle Pryor, coming from the Browns. Seeing as he actually managed to be successful in the NFL’s version of Pol Pot’s Cambodia, he should do alright with KC chucking stuff at him. Jordan Reed will still be awesome, as long as he avoids liquefying his brain any further with additional concussions, and Vernon Davis will also be there at TE. O-line is the same, Rob Kelley (who rocks) + a 4th rounder (Samaje Perine) + Chris Thompson.
Defense : New coordinator, two new DEs from free agency, and all three first round draft picks on defensive players. Ryan Kerrigan is back (and my Kerrigan jersey purchase looks smart for another year), Josh Norman is back (and hopefully will continue to be super entertaining). Trent Murphy is out for 4 games on drug suspension. All this adds up to? Who knows, the Dacteds are pretty much constantly overhauling their D, so I’ll believe it’s good when I see it.
Jamison Crowder will probably still be returning kicks, kicker and punter probably no change, same long snapper (Nick Sundberg, who has a kickass back tattoo, is the team’s reigning trivia champion, and played out a full game after breaking is arm in 2012)
Honestly, they aren’t a horrible team, and their schedule is very manageable this year. We’re just in some sort of weird rehash of the 90s where the NFC East is…..actually very good. While I’m pretty confident in my “3rd in the NFC East” prediction, there’s the freakishly real possibility that the NFC East sends three teams to the playoffs. It came kinda close to happening last year, and if these fairly minimal changes end up as a net positive, with maybe a couple lucky bounces, the ‘Dacteds could very well be a playoff team. So yeah, maybe I actually am unrealistically optimistic after all!