They know what they did.

THEY KNOW!

I hope Dan Quinn wakes up screaming every night at 3:28 AM, sweating in anguish over how the Falcons let down 96% of the football viewing public, with Dreamboat’s stupid, ugly face as large as Godzilla standing over him, roaring in triumph. After all, TAWMMY’s stolen two rings from Dan Quinn – XLI & LI.

“GOOD MORNING DAN!”

Luckily, they still have the support of a rabid, determined & stable fan base in a town that has abandoned two NHL teams and seen the Braves move outside the city to a suburb.

So, let’s dive into where the Falcons stand entering the 2017 season.

As is tradition, we will be using a condiment scale.

This year, we’re going with ketchup.

Ownership: Arthur Blank – catsup.

A man last seen trying to hurry his arse off the sidelines because he had gone down early to celebrate, anticipating his team was incapable of blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. I sure hope Jim Irsay sent him a get-well box of forget-the-game, New Orleans strength.

Mind you, he had to have convinced himself that the team needed more of his slick dance moves as inspiration.

How couldn’t that rally a team to hold onto a 28-3 lead?!

And, his fancy new stadium is reminiscent of his last colonoscopy,

in that it’s got a round portal, it won’t open on time, and turns out to be full of shit. It’s scheduled to open August 26th, but that’s if all goes well.

(Ron Howard voice: “It did not go well.”)

Quarterback: Matt Ryan – generic packet of plain ketchup.

A company man in the style of Philip Rivers, he also adheres to the Marmalard style of NEVER QUESTION COACH’S DECISIONS!!!1!11, even if the coach in question is Kyle Fucking Shanahan and he’s refusing to call running plays despite you getting killed in the five-step drop.

At least he owns his misery in that Gatorade commercial, even though none of the viewing public outside the 404 area code buys that he’s over it. He’s not Donnie Moore, but he’s also not John Elway.

There is going to be at least 2 games this year which will contain under 200 yards passing and 4 picks, and people will again question whether his time has passed. Then he’ll turn in some 600-yard performance – on the back of Julio Jones – and people will renounce their doubt quicker than Judas did Peter.

Running Backs: a limited edition pack of flavoured chips.

You think they’re going to be good, and for the first little while they are. But it’s apparently easy to get tired of them and so you’ll forget about them until it’s way too late. You only realize you wanted more of them after the party, when it’s too late.

The genius behind that thinking is now the head coach in San Francisco.

Exciting news is that Devonta Freeman signed a five-year extension worth $41.25 million, so he’ll either now work hard or become Albert Haynesworth. Adding to the fun is his trip to concussion protocol after Week-1 of preseason. More worryingly, he may have gotten it either at practice or during one of the four carries he had Thursday night. I never expected him to become Eric Lindros, but since the team has no more Shanahans I guess knees are safe but heads are at risk.

WR/TE: The finest in bourbon “Gourmet” sauces.

Because Julio Jones can do this:

https://youtu.be/M_EHUMiT2Pw

And that’s enough in a division with a shell-shocked Cam Newton & Luke Kuechly, a Drew Brees with no receiving options, and a Jameis Winston just trying to stay one TD ahead of Marcus Mariota.

Offensive Line: WHATABURGER Fancy ketchup.

If you want stats, I got your stats:

• Matt Ryan: Salary = $23.75 million, or 13% of the team’s salary cap
• The O-line: Salary = $29.9 million, or 18% of the team’s salary cap

That the Falcons have devoted more money to protecting the guy throwing the football is a telling statement to how good they expect these guys to be. They are consistently ranked in the Top-5 on most major sports sites. In comparison, the Seahawks have 20% of their cap devoted to both Russell Wilson (10%) and their O-line (10%), so he’s probably going to get hurt again.

Defense: A car wreck that spilled tomatoes all over the road.

THEY BETTER BE FUCKING IMPROVED! I still can’t believe a team that gave up almost as many points as they scored in 2016 made the Super Bowl. But I sure as fuck did when I saw them fail to hold the lead.

They have responded by bolstering their spending on their D-line and their Secondary. Both appear to be strengthened, Dontari Poe is happy, and Vic Beasley should have another monster year. A shortcoming will be exposed if the corner unit of Alford & Trufant go down to injury, as they are pretty thin at backup, and have minimal cap space to bring someone in.

The one area of concern will be their linebackers, who combined are projected to earn less ($5,711,919) than the kickers ($5,783,334). So here’s where the salary cap gap fits in. Any team that can break through the front-four will have a field day gaining YAC.

Coaching: the cleanup after an 18-wheeler carrying ketchup crashed.

Dan Quinn is still here. So, that’s something. Since he’s a “defensive genius” he gets another crack at trying to win the big game. That’s he’s from the “Pete Carroll coaching tree” means he knew how to give away a late lead in the most important game in your sport.

The architect of the Falcons Super Bowl 4th Quarter offensive drought, Kyle Shanahan, has moved on to be Jed York’s next firing. He’s been replaced by continued teetotaller Steve Sarkisian, who remained true to the cause despite working for Nick Saban. Marquand Manuel, who is remembered for asking Eli Apple “So, do you like men?”, was promoted to defensive coordinator after Bryan Cox was fired. Somehow, the Falcons have a coaching staff with all the inappropriateness and half the personality of the guys they replaced.

Projection: 11-5. The division isn’t as thin as it was last year – Carolina should be improved; New Orleans will find someone fast enough to catch up to Breesus’ overthrows – but the Falcons are in that “window” where they should look forward to playing a home playoff game in the first round, and then hoping fate gets in the Cowboys’ way again. Then they might get a chance to face the Patriots again and this time…

***MEANWHILE, IN FOXBOROUGH***

A dark, candlelit dungeon appears slowly in the dim light. A hooded figure sits alone at a rough-hewn wooden table, with stacks of ancient, leather-bound volumes piled high. All of a sudden, a frantic knock is heard through a heavy, wooden door.

SMALLER HOODED FIGURE: My Lord, I’ve found it! At last! After months of research, I’ve found the missing ingredients.

HOODED FIGURE: [grumbling] Well, it took you long enough. What do we need?

SMALLER HOODED FIGURE: It won’t be easy. It’s going to take a lot of clever planning to get them all. Here’s the list.

HOODED FIGURE: [grumbling] Hmmm. Hmm. We’ve only got three of these right now. How are we going to get the other twenty-eight?

SMALLER HOODED FIGURE: It says here that it’s absolutely essential they all get collected in a big sack. Without it, we don’t have a chance…

MATT RYAN suddenly awakes from this horrible nightmare in a cold sweat. He can’t stop having the dream. Every night for the past seven months, it’s there. Every night, it’s as horrible as ever. And right now, it seems to him that it may never, ever go away. 

Check out The Maestro’s Pats season preview on August 28th for a continuation of this story…