Ted Kaczynski: Gambling is the prime dehumanizer of the monetary system! I will NOT–
Door Flies Open: SHHH! Let me do the intro. [clears throat] I’m on Skype with the most notorious inmate of the Colorado Supermax. He’s the only PhD on this site to have 100% accuracy predicting NFL games.
Ted K: [glares]
DFO: [sigh] For fun. Picking for fun and to proselytize, presumably. Two background questions:
1. What is the most racist fanbase in the NFL?
2. Want a free Stamps.com subscription?
Ted K: Games.
TNF – KANSAS CITY @ NEW ENGLAND
DFO: Any rooting interest in this one?
Ted K: Can I talk?
DFO: [“the floor is yours” hand motion]
Ted K: The notion that consciousness and logic can assemble a web of causation to explain natural phenomena is an illusion. Nature is a force that strikes from all flanks with ferocity and we, immersed in the haze of oversocialized living, confuse safety with conventional thought. But Nature does not concern itself with logical interpretation.
DFO: Point being…
Ted K: Nobody knows what the Patriots offense will do, except move down the field on everybody.
DFO: What about this Burkhard kid? James White? Dion Lewis? Is any worth Fantasy starts?
Ted K: I thought this was a serious discussion.
DFO: Whatever. Call it.
Ted K: Chiefs lose.
DFO: [mutters] Wacko has Belichick Boner. Big. Surprise.
Ted K: What are you saying?
DFO: That there can be a surprise on
EARLY SUNDAY GAMES
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Ted K: These “emblematic” industrial towns make patent how “division of labor” ensconces—what are you doing?
DFO: I’m transcribing your “air” “quotes”. Need to mull this one? Pick!
Ted K: Steelers.
DFO: Cool. Next game.
Houston @ Jacksonville
DFO: Ted, with all due respect: you are a notorious sociopath.
Ted K: Quite the compliment, coming from you.
DFO: What do you think of Tom Coughlin?
Ted K: He has two championships.
DFO: And the cosmos is arbitrary. How novel. Gimme YOUR opinion.
Ted K: Tom Coughlin has no joi de vivre.
DFO: How will this stint change him?
Ted K: Nature does not change. He will dissolve in a pool of his own bile.
DFO: I’m taking the Texans too. How about…
Buffalo @ NY Jets
Ted K: The Kimberley A. Martin Bowl!
DFO: YES! Isn’t she the best?
Ted K: Former Jets beat writer, just hired by the Buffalo News. What’s not to love?
DFO: Eh. It’s like moving from slapstick to awkward humor.
Ted K: Bills are still fumigating the stench of the prior regime. Thusly, they are at least a year ahead of the Jets.
Ted K: So it is not, if you will, a from “Guatemala to Guatapeor” situation.
DFO: Heh heh. Nice. Whadda you see in the game?
Ted K: Jets lose. This smells like a 16-8 game.
DFO: Cool. Nice banter! Up top [puts hand up]
Ted K: [finger guns]
DFO: Sorry. I’m uh, hypoglycemic.
Ted K: Have you eaten anything today?
DFO: Only a corn syrup muffin before getting here.
Ted K: I miss my organic gruel.
DFO: Don’t we all. This is a sneaky good game,
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Ted K: Baltimore’s quarterback situation reflects the political correctness conundrum as it manifests itself as societal norm. Kaepernick was not even given a tryout, but his hiring was crowdsourced. This created a narrative over political activism that imposed itself over actual concerns on the talent level at the position. Thus the return of Flacco heralds a no-more-problems scenario when it is only the product of inaction and cowardice, masked as deliberation and false tact.
DFO: What about the Bengals?
Ted K: That organization has even more self-loathing and insecurity. Bengals lose.
Washington DC @ Philadelphia
DFO: More dramatic fanbase: Slurs or Iggles?
Ted K: Such inane considerations. I had the opportunity to watch all of the Eagles preseason games and charted every play. Then I compared, with last year, the outcome of success depending on situation—giving higher weight to 1st down conversions on 2nd and 3rd down, lower for pass completions on 3rd down before the marker. There were clear tendencies regarding player alignment, and development, which points to a distinct style of playcalling. In the abstract, it is so delightful it brought me shivers of joy.
DFO: Swell. What are your findings?
Ted K: Philadelphia is sneaky frisky. Ramekins lose.
Chicago @ Atlanta
DFO: Sneaky frisky? [with total Internet indignation] You have no right to even attempt to be cute.
Ted K: John Fox needs that advice more than I. Bears lose. Say, any chance you can use a picture of myself where I appear presentable?
DFO: Consider it done.
Tampa Bay @ Miami
DFO: This game was suspended due to Hurricane Irma and will be replayed on Novem—
Ted K: [cackles heartily]
Ted K: These are the spoils of Industrial Revolution. Overpopulation. Over production. And they dare to label me mad. Manufacturing and resource depletion creating weather havoc by warming waters to the point that garden-variety tropical storms achieve hitherto unseen span and intensity. When hundreds of thousands die or are dispossessed maybe for once we will appreciate the folly of “man” in using technology—
DFO: Whoa, whoa there. It’s “man and woman”, or “humans”. We don’t condone sexist crap, you know?
Ted K: Shake my god damn head. There, I said it.
DFO: Let’s move on. Oooo, I’m really excited about this one.
Oakland @ Tennessee
DFO: Both teams have high expectations, and their respective QBs are returning from fractured—
Ted K: Raiders blowout.
DFO: I… See. Care to, uh, elaborat—
Ted K: The Titans are clownfrauds.
DFO: YOU MONSTER! I hope they stick your butt atop a cell phone tower and you get sodomized by gravity. Gravity!
Ted K: Pish posh. Next game,
Arizona @ Detroit
Ted K: The common misconception that primitive cultures are “inferior” is the prime effect of socialization: a sense of superiority borne out of technological advances that take out of our daily lives our seminal need for survival. Hunting and subsistence agriculture are replaced by travel to markets and selecting items readily available.
DFO: Yeah, comfort’s a fucking nightmare. You gonna shit on indoor plumbing too?
Ted K: Do you deny that technology brings about changes in human living that deny our most natural impulses?
DFO: Get on Twitter. It gets primal quickly. Anything on the game? Detroit looks good. I may uh, start watching their games.
Ted K: Ignoramus. Lions lose, my Spite Pick Of The Week.
SUNDAY AFTERNOON GAMES
LA Rams @ Indianapolis
Ted K: You’ve said too much.
Both: Clots lose.
San Francisco @ Carolina
Both: NINERS LOSE.
Green Bay @ Seattle
Ted K: The tell-tale sign of an oversocialized male is his passivity and apparent aversion to actual violence. But he cannot deny wholly his nature: ultra-violent fiction and media provide surrogate PASSIVE activities to canalize our seminal bloodlust through–
DFO: Game, man
Ted K: Quiet! I’m on a roll. And the fetishization… Uh… God damn you! I lost my train of–
Ted K: –thought. Well, anyway, the Seahawks D is not passive. The unit lets out its aggression freely and gleefully, but with very controlled efficiency. Despite many players being larger-than-life personalities, they are thoroughly cooperative in meting out thorough ass-kickings as a unit.
DFO: You know, some people think that Clay Matthews is good. Thoughts?
Ted K: Cuck city. Packers lose.
SNF – NY Giants @ Cowboys
DFO: Ted, what do you think of the Cowboy’s defense?
Ted K: [wanking motion]
DFO: Coincidentally, my thoughts exactly on this “Eli Manning is a Hall of Famer”. Do you care at all about the Cowboys?
Ted K: The Dallas owner exemplifies the collective brainwashing of society to ascribe god-like powers to men who–
DFO: And women.
Ted K: –exhibit only a talent for amassing and creating capital, and exploiting mass media to aggrandize their self-image. So I must confess some surprise when the league (also a shallow concern propelled by avarice) took a hard line with the Elliott suspension. While both are equally despicable, very little satisfaction comes from the aftermath of their clash.
DFO: What about the Maras?
Ted K: Barf. Old and bored aristocracies are the worst. Giants lose.
DFO: This looks like a good matchup.
MNF 1 – Minnesota @ New Orleans
Ted K: Blech. The Saints are a complacent outfit that puts blind trust on Sean Payton, Drew Brees, and a GM splitting his time with an NBA franchise. Their vicious pummeling of Brett Favre remains the high point of this franchise.
DFO: Yeah that was pretty awesome.
Ted K: Perhaps Adrian Peterson will even the scales with several fumbles. Saints lose.
MNF 2 – Denver @ LA Clippers
DFO: Finally, an AFC West divisional battle. The Clippers seem to have a good defense–
Ted K: This passes for enthusiasm? This might be the best game of the week. Even the fellas on the psych wing are pumped.
DFO: I bet they’re a bunch of merry Miggs. Do you find Siemian palatable [cough] excuse me, as a QB option?
Ted K: No to your question, a HARD no to your implications. Broncos lose.
Ted K: Tool.
DFO: Keep it up and there won’t be a next time.
Ted K: I’m quite content here with my thoughts.
DFO: They still serve sawdust loaf on Wednesdays? How does it pair with toilet wine?
Ted K: I do not drink alcohol.
DFO: You’re fucking unredeemable.
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