NFL Week 1 Bettors’ Guide

Don T

Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva
Don T

Latest posts by Don T (see all)

Ted Kaczynski: Gambling is the prime dehumanizer of the monetary system! I will NOT–

Door Flies Open: SHHH! Let me do the intro. [clears throat] I’m on Skype with the most notorious inmate of the Colorado Supermax. He’s the only PhD on this site to have 100% accuracy predicting NFL games.

Ted K: [glares]

DFO: [sigh] For fun. Picking for fun and to proselytize, presumably. Two background questions:
1. What is the most racist fanbase in the NFL?
2. Want a free Stamps.com subscription?

Ted K: Games.

TNF – KANSAS CITY @ NEW ENGLAND

DFO: Any rooting interest in this one?

Ted K: Can I talk?

DFO: [“the floor is yours” hand motion]

Ted K: The notion that consciousness and logic can assemble a web of causation to explain natural phenomena is an illusion. Nature is a force that strikes from all flanks with ferocity and we, immersed in the haze of oversocialized living, confuse safety with conventional thought. But Nature does not concern itself with logical interpretation.

DFO: Point being…

Ted K: Nobody knows what the Patriots offense will do, except move down the field on everybody.

DFO: What about this Burkhard kid? James White? Dion Lewis? Is any worth Fantasy starts?

Ted K: I thought this was a serious discussion.

DFO: Whatever. Call it.

Ted K: Chiefs lose.

DFO: [mutters] Wacko has Belichick Boner. Big. Surprise.

Ted K: What are you saying?

DFO: That there can be a surprise on

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

Ted K: These “emblematic” industrial towns make patent how “division of labor” ensconces—what are you doing?

DFO: I’m transcribing your “air” “quotes”. Need to mull this one? Pick!

Ted K: Steelers.

DFO: Cool. Next game.

Houston @ Jacksonville

DFO: Ted, with all due respect: you are a notorious sociopath.

Ted K: Quite the compliment, coming from you.

DFO: What do you think of Tom Coughlin?

Ted K: He has two championships.

DFO: And the cosmos is arbitrary. How novel. Gimme YOUR opinion.

Ted K: Tom Coughlin has no joi de vivre.

DFO: How will this stint change him?

Ted K: Nature does not change. He will dissolve in a pool of his own bile.

DFO: I’m taking the Texans too. How about…

Buffalo @ NY Jets

Ted K: The Kimberley A. Martin Bowl!

DFO: YES! Isn’t she the best?

Ted K: Former Jets beat writer, just hired by the Buffalo News. What’s not to love?

DFO: Eh. It’s like moving from slapstick to awkward humor.

Ted K: Bills are still fumigating the stench of the prior regime. Thusly, they are at least a year ahead of the Jets.

DFO: Hm.

Ted K: So it is not, if you will, a from “Guatemala to Guatapeor” situation.

DFO: Heh heh. Nice. Whadda you see in the game?

Ted K: Jets lose. This smells like a 16-8 game.

DFO: Cool. Nice banter! Up top [puts hand up]

Ted K: [finger guns]

DFO: EEEEEEEEE!

Via giphy.com

DFO: Sorry. I’m uh, hypoglycemic.

Ted K: Have you eaten anything today?

DFO: Only a corn syrup muffin before getting here.

Ted K: I miss my organic gruel.

DFO: Don’t we all. This is a sneaky good game,

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

Ted K: Baltimore’s quarterback situation reflects the political correctness conundrum as it manifests itself as societal norm. Kaepernick was not even given a tryout, but his hiring was crowdsourced. This created a narrative over political activism that imposed itself over actual concerns on the talent level at the position. Thus the return of Flacco heralds a no-more-problems scenario when it is only the product of inaction and cowardice, masked as deliberation and false tact.

DFO: What about the Bengals?

Ted K: That organization has even more self-loathing and insecurity. Bengals lose.

Washington DC @ Philadelphia

DFO: More dramatic fanbase: Slurs or Iggles?

Ted K: Such inane considerations. I had the opportunity to watch all of the Eagles preseason games and charted every play. Then I compared, with last year, the outcome of success depending on situation—giving higher weight to 1st down conversions on 2nd and 3rd down, lower for pass completions on 3rd down before the marker. There were clear tendencies regarding player alignment, and development, which points to a distinct style of playcalling. In the abstract, it is so delightful it brought me shivers of joy.

DFO: Swell. What are your findings?

Ted K: Philadelphia is sneaky frisky. Ramekins lose.

Chicago @ Atlanta
DFO: Sneaky frisky? [with total Internet indignation] You have no right to even attempt to be cute.

Ted K: John Fox needs that advice more than I. Bears lose. Say, any chance you can use a picture of myself where I appear presentable?

DFO: Consider it done.

Via @gandre7

 

Tampa Bay @ Miami

DFO: This game was suspended due to Hurricane Irma and will be replayed on Novem—

Ted K: [cackles heartily]

DFO: What?

Ted K: These are the spoils of Industrial Revolution. Overpopulation. Over production. And they dare to label me mad. Manufacturing and resource depletion creating weather havoc by warming waters to the point that garden-variety tropical storms achieve hitherto unseen span and intensity. When hundreds of thousands die or are dispossessed maybe for once we will appreciate the folly of “man” in using technology—

DFO: Whoa, whoa there. It’s “man and woman”, or “humans”. We don’t condone sexist crap, you know?

Ted K: Shake my god damn head. There, I said it.

DFO: Let’s move on. Oooo, I’m really excited about this one.

Oakland @ Tennessee

DFO: Both teams have high expectations, and their respective QBs are returning from fractured—

Ted K: Raiders blowout.

DFO: I… See. Care to, uh, elaborat—

Ted K: The Titans are clownfrauds.

DFO: YOU MONSTER! I hope they stick your butt atop a cell phone tower and you get sodomized by gravity. Gravity!

Ted K: Pish posh. Next game,

Arizona @ Detroit

Ted K: The common misconception that primitive cultures are “inferior” is the prime effect of socialization: a sense of superiority borne out of technological advances that take out of our daily lives our seminal need for survival. Hunting and subsistence agriculture are replaced by travel to markets and selecting items readily available.

DFO: Yeah, comfort’s a fucking nightmare. You gonna shit on indoor plumbing too?

Ted K: Do you deny that technology brings about changes in human living that deny our most natural impulses?

DFO: Get on Twitter. It gets primal quickly. Anything on the game? Detroit looks good. I may uh, start watching their games.

Ted K: Ignoramus. Lions lose, my Spite Pick Of The Week.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON GAMES

LA Rams @ Indianapolis

DFO: Unwatchable.

Ted K: You’ve said too much.

Both: Clots lose.

San Francisco @ Carolina

Both: NINERS LOSE.

Green Bay @ Seattle

Ted K: The tell-tale sign of an oversocialized male is his passivity and apparent aversion to actual violence. But he cannot deny wholly his nature: ultra-violent fiction and media provide surrogate PASSIVE activities to canalize our seminal bloodlust through–

DFO: Game, man

Ted K: Quiet! I’m on a roll. And the fetishization… Uh… God damn you! I lost my train of–

DFO: Delusion?

Ted K: –thought. Well, anyway, the Seahawks D is not passive. The unit lets out its aggression freely and gleefully, but with very controlled efficiency. Despite many players being larger-than-life personalities, they are thoroughly cooperative in meting out thorough ass-kickings as a unit.

DFO: You know, some people think that Clay Matthews is good. Thoughts?

Ted K: Cuck city. Packers lose.

SNF – NY Giants @ Cowboys

DFO: Ted, what do you think of the Cowboy’s defense?

Ted K: [wanking motion]

DFO: Coincidentally, my thoughts exactly on this “Eli Manning is a Hall of Famer”. Do you care at all about the Cowboys?

Ted K: The Dallas owner exemplifies the collective brainwashing of society to ascribe god-like powers to men who–

DFO: And women.

Ted K: –exhibit only a talent for amassing and creating capital, and exploiting mass media to aggrandize their self-image. So I must confess some surprise when the league (also a shallow concern propelled by avarice) took a hard line with the Elliott suspension. While both are equally despicable, very little satisfaction comes from the aftermath of their clash.

DFO: What about the Maras?

Ted K: Barf. Old and bored aristocracies are the worst. Giants lose.

DFO: This looks like a good matchup.

MNF 1 – Minnesota @ New Orleans

Ted K: Blech. The Saints are a complacent outfit that puts blind trust on Sean Payton, Drew Brees, and a GM splitting his time with an NBA franchise. Their vicious pummeling of Brett Favre remains the high point of this franchise.

DFO: Yeah that was pretty awesome.

Ted K: Perhaps Adrian Peterson will even the scales with several fumbles. Saints lose.

 

MNF 2 – Denver @ LA Clippers

DFO: Finally, an AFC West divisional battle. The Clippers seem to have a good defense–

Ted K: This passes for enthusiasm? This might be the best game of the week. Even the fellas on the psych wing are pumped.

DFO: I bet they’re a bunch of merry Miggs. Do you find Siemian palatable [cough] excuse me, as a QB option?

Ted K: No to your question, a HARD no to your implications. Broncos lose.

DFO: Homophobe.

Ted K: Tool.

DFO: Keep it up and there won’t be a next time.

Ted K: I’m quite content here with my thoughts.

DFO: They still serve sawdust loaf on Wednesdays? How does it pair with toilet wine?

Ted K: I do not drink alcohol.

DFO: You’re fucking unredeemable.

Banner image via Wikipedia

 

Don T
Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva

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yeah right
Member

Just glorious. I’m practically speechless. Bravo!

blaxabbath
Member

Yet ANOTHER series of Ted Kaczynski arguments that I completely agree with!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

If I could bring myself to play fantasy this year, I probably would have just last minute changed my team name to “Sodomized by Gravity.”

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Senor Weaselo
Member

THIS DON_T I CALL HIM ALEXANDER HAMILTON BECAUSE IN THE MIDST OF A HURRICANE HE WROTE AN ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE.

/Okay, I’ll leave.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Dropping in from vacation to say

A) Holy Shit this post is fucking awesome
2) Glad the BK is treating you well; hope everyone in PR is doing well with minimal damage to limb and property
©) I’m sad I’ll miss the first liveblog of the season but glad to be a metaphor for the NFL’s demise writ large

King Hippo
Member

el power de distracion!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

In the middle of a fucking hurricane you write this?

Unreal. Awesome job!

litre_cola
Member

All of this from a hurrican ravaged Burger King. Makes me think of another thing.

Dear Penthouse,
I was at the local BK in San Juan and you will not believe what happened…

The Maestro
Member

Oh my god, this was incredible. Please make this a regular feature – I didn’t realize how much I needed it until now.

On another note – glad to hear you’re safe from Irma, man. To each their own in this regard, but I said a little prayer for you earlier, and I’m glad you’re doing alright.

Beerguyrob
Member

Agreed – regular feature please!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Bravo!
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SonOfSpam
Member

Great stuff from a psycho. And Teddy K.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Wow, that was great! Amazing how ole Teddy K sounds like my professor from when I had to take Philosophy because it was the only elective which fit my schedule.

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