Your “Finally! A Valid Excuse For Day-Drinking” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

It’s here. A full slate of games (except for the ones not being played due to Mother Nature’s shenanigans) to wallow in. Do you have your Doritos, chicken wings, crackers, nachos, bacon-wrapped scallops, pickles, vegetable tray(!?), mozza sticks, pretzels, popcorn, chips, jerky, onion rings, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in front of you? I do. This day is the bestest as far as I’m concerned and that’s without the Pats being 0-1. Let’s not dawdle-To The Games!

NYJ/Buf: The fight for the AFC East basement begins anew between a team (the Bills) that is obviously tanking versus another (the Jetskis) that seems to regard tanking as a core organizational philosophy.

Atl/Chi: It should be a long season in Chicago. Cutler scurried away as did Alshon Jeffery and then wr Meredith was lost for the year. That’s quite a bit of skilled players to lose year over year. The Atlanta front office has thrown a considerable amount of research funding at a group of scientists that are trying to replicate the memory-wipe thingy from the Men In Black movie.

Bal/Cin: Rb Mixon begins his inevitable unseating of Jeremy Hill from the starting slot but it should be the passing game that is the game decider. Dalton worked to create a rapport with Tyler Boyd after AJ Green went down last year. The latter is back and there is also Top 5 te Eifert in the mix. And don’t forget about little Giovanni coming out of the backfield.

Pit/Cle: Pour one out for DeShone Kizer. He’s going to have the longest year of any player in the league. The ‘d’ stands for demoralized.

Ari/Det: Final score 51-48. You should probably take the over.

Jax/Hou: The Jags have more than their share of young-ish talent. Is this the year when that finally translates into “W”s? I think they’re one more year away but they seem headed in the right direction.

Oak/Ten: Qb Carr has a new OC this year that is giving him greater freedom to change plays at the line of scrimmage. I foresee wr Cooper destroying his previous career highs across the board.

Phi/Was: The Dacteds have won five straight against their divisional kin and get them at home to start the year. Qb Cousins has two new wr’s in Pryor and Doctson but the key to his success comes down to the (according to Football Outsiders) second-ranked pass protecting O-line unit in front of him.

NOW GO GET ‘EM MATEYS!

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blaxabbath

THESE ARIZONA CARDINALS, I CALL THEM SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO BECAUSE EVERY TIME THEY GET THEIR HANDS ON A BROWN THING, THEY SLAM IT ON THE GROUND BEFORE HANDING IT OVER TO PROFESSIONALS.

King Hippo

Giraffe to Leonard CohenDOWN!!

Doktor Zymm

Cohen : owned in 4% of Yahoo leagues

King Hippo

I couldn’t get him in my auction league, was down to $1 bids.

Wakezilla

Rapelisception in the red zone! Can’t wait for the Browns to go 3 and out

LemonJello

“HARF HARF THE BEN GO 3 AND OUT AT HOME A LOT”

Gratliff

What the fuck happened to the Texans?

King Hippo

#Drownded

Wakezilla

JJ Watt died in the flood

Dick E. Phuck

Thought he would cry

...

JJ Watt screaming into the wind trying to intimate it into submission before being clobbered by a flying uprooted tree. He never stops screaming.

Dick E. Phuck

Now I’m imaging JJ Watt trying to have sex with a Hurricane, thanks.

...

As he screams and flexes, broken flag pole with the U.S., Texan, and “Don’t Tread on Me” flag impales him in the chest. He stops screaming only long enough to salute each one before he resumes screaming.

Spur

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Wakezilla

Not covering Delanie Walker; you’re going to have a bad time

Doktor Zymm

He is now leading my fantasy team in scoring….sigh

Wakezilla

He’s good and gets open a lot. You’ll be fine

Brocky

…. are you fucking serious kevin white?

Doktor Zymm

“Put him in boxing gloves during practice so he can’t grab people”
Next week :
“EJECTED : PUNCHING”

blaxabbath

I did not see Kingsman and I’m quite sure I will never ever see Kingsman 2: Stateman

Mother Puncher

This is a bad take

Gratliff

I love these new rule changes, such as “Intentional Grounding is Only A Penalty When Done By the Eagles”

Doktor Zymm

That’s not new, just hilarious

King Hippo

A Seth scored a TD! Surely Fox can use that in their ridiculous promos.

LemonJello

Jeebus, don’t give them ideas.

blaxabbath

“You don’t remember that time I thought the driver of The Orville scored a NFL touchdown?”

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Dick E. Phuck

THIS BEARS SECONDARY, I CALL THEM MOUNT ST HELENS, BECAUSE IT JUST BLEW ITS TOP OFF.

blaxabbath

Matt Stafford looks like a heavy young man.

Wakezilla

He may be robust, but dude does well for himself with the ladies

King Hippo

“husky”

LemonJello

“big boned”

...

I just remembered that Tannehill’s stupid ligaments are the reason I’m not listening to Cutler snicker at the Bears right now.

Wakezilla

That and racism

Doktor Zymm

The only TD on my fantasy team so far is on my bench. Fuck you, typical things.

Mother Puncher

Doody, starring David Boringanus

Doktor Zymm

20-10 Falcons : Bearrative restored

Doktor Zymm

MR HOOPERDOWN

...

lol fuckin’ Bears

Doktor Zymm

Hey, Chicago, I know it’s super far away, but you should probably cover those guys on deep routes, LOL

herodotus450

SO much running though!

herodotus450

I see Cleveland has a receiver named “S. DeValve” that S better stand for Safety

Dick E. Phuck

Sewage DeValve

stinkbomb

*Manziel smiles. Snorts another line. *

Wakezilla

Watt-erception!

TJ is now better than JJ!

blaxabbath

Kerwinn Williams fantasy owners enjoying that rush.

ballsofsteelandfury

Probably worse than his brother.

technodanvan

He’s got an endorsement deal selling paint waiting in his inbox.

Dick E. Phuck

This Watt guy on the Stillers seems like a real goddamn dick.

Bortleback

Palmer fills his quota of one good throw per game, and gets the running back that’s responsible for like 70% of their yards killed in the process

Doktor Zymm

Go Redacteds! Partially cause I’m a fan, but mostly cause I don’t want my flex to finish with negative points!

Dick E. Phuck

David Johnson is already dead

blaxabbath

But he got the first!

Doktor Zymm

This truffle cheddar is sadly not good at all

Wakezilla

This JJ Watt, I call Lyle Alzado because the years of steroid abuse is taking its toll on his body.

/doesn’t know why he’s hurt

blaxabbath

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...

I want to poop in one of those.

blaxabbath

You shouldn’t be able to celebrate a TD when there’s an obvious hold.

Brocky

so…. pretty much countless bears/packers games?

LemonJello

Taking this one out of the vault and dusting it off for another season of use:

“THIS EAGLES DEFENSE, I CALL A BAD ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION, BECAUSE THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCK COUSINS, BUT ARE TOO INEPT TO ACTUALLY GET ANY PENETRATION!”

blaxabbath

So what’s a good alabama family reunion?

LemonJello

One that would make West Virginians green with envy?

Dick E. Phuck

Full penetration, I assume.

Brocky

Mccown stealing tds from Forte?

I just had PTSD flashbacks

DontHair

Can’t wait for Chicago sports talk radio tomorrow morning and all these grabowskis screaming for “Trubinskee” to start next week.

Doktor Zymm

If I were going to buy a Bears jersey, it would be for the perennial Chicago favorite, “Backup QB”

...

At least 30% of them will think his first name is Matt.

Bortleback

Mattchel?

DontHair

“Yeah hey Waddle, love the show, first time long time, this is Jimmy from Skokie why won’t John Fox start Rick Trubinskee? I’ll hang up and let you answer, Bears Ditka”!

Doktor Zymm

Anyone in the Chicago area who wants some free glassware, or whatever the hell else I’m getting rid of, let me know. Otherwise it’ll all go to charity, and the less fortunate get all the breaks!

Senor Weaselo

Holy shit. Touchdown Jets. I honestly didn’t think I’d say those words this year.

Dick E. Phuck

Followed by a picked off two-point conversion

Spur

“His uncle Armani loves it”
Tony Romo is a national treasure

DontHair

Keep watching this fruit of the loom commercial hoping Paul F Tompkins falls to his death at the end of it with his smug goddamn mustache

King Hippo

Remember to be watching for a crazed man rushing the Striped Pylon turf, wearing a My Little Pony T-shirt and Kasich 2020 hat.

I’m pretty sure Redshirt has to be at his breaking point right about now.

Brocky

I’m gonna hold a contest:

The first person on my fantasy roster who breaks single digits gets a cookie and a $40 Donation

blaxabbath

“Weed Cookie?”

-Brocky’s WR1, Josh Gordon

King Hippo

at least TWO new members of Most Glorious Commentist Party signing in blood of membership ledger. Who will be next out of cold dark Siberia of lurking?

technodanvan

I’m just here until my fantasy team starts to suck.

*checks team*

…see you guys next year!

Doktor Zymm

Whenever I hear that McDonalds “quick pick two” commercial I try to think of scenarios where there’s an interception immediately followed by a safety

Bortleback

Keep watching Jets games, they’ll find a way

blaxabbath
Doktor Zymm

What year is that?

blaxabbath

I think it’s a video game.

...

Eric Berry doesn’t want you to forget him either.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPOClZbHQG4

DontHair

Maybe eating something from mcdonalds and getting to the toilet safely before shitting your pants

Spur

Somewhere Dabo Swinney is ejaculating

King Hippo

FOAR JEEBUS

King Hippo

yay, Hopkins doesn’t get shut out!!

Spanky Datass

Tom Savage is packing his bindle and headed to the ‘ol train yard.

Doktor Zymm

I should order a couple more cases of wine, to get the packing materials

Beerguyrob

The bottle dividers really protect the glassware.

Doktor Zymm

I just packed all my pint glasses using the cardboard bottle holder base

DontHair

Did the NFL only pay for two commercials this year? Now I can never use Hanes or Nationwide.

blaxabbath

ARE YOU SAYING YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT DRAFT KINGS?????

Doktor Zymm

Okay, putting an end to packing for the day. Wine open, bacon sausage cooked, mustard delicious.

technodanvan

Bacon sausage? As in, sausage made from bacon?

technodanvan

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ArmedandHammered

Oh hell’s yes, placing order now. Thank you for the link(s)!

Brocky

I don’t know who you are, but I love your username

DontHair

Formally “DontHair” with the Cutler avi. Long time KSK lurker and back for another year of Bears disappointment.

blaxabbath

Don_T has hurricane hair.

Doktor Zymm

Is it too early to officially proclaim that my fantasy team sucks?

King Hippo

already done w/r/t my money team. Scoring window closed.

King Hippo

Imagine Savage Garden making that tackle YOU CAN’T!!!