Your “Finally! A Valid Excuse For Day-Drinking” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

It’s here. A full slate of games (except for the ones not being played due to Mother Nature’s shenanigans) to wallow in. Do you have your Doritos, chicken wings, crackers, nachos, bacon-wrapped scallops, pickles, vegetable tray(!?), mozza sticks, pretzels, popcorn, chips, jerky, onion rings, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in front of you? I do. This day is the bestest as far as I’m concerned and that’s without the Pats being 0-1. Let’s not dawdle-To The Games!

NYJ/Buf: The fight for the AFC East basement begins anew between a team (the Bills) that is obviously tanking versus another (the Jetskis) that seems to regard tanking as a core organizational philosophy.

Atl/Chi: It should be a long season in Chicago. Cutler scurried away as did Alshon Jeffery and then wr Meredith was lost for the year. That’s quite a bit of skilled players to lose year over year. The Atlanta front office has thrown a considerable amount of research funding at a group of scientists that are trying to replicate the memory-wipe thingy from the Men In Black movie.

Bal/Cin: Rb Mixon begins his inevitable unseating of Jeremy Hill from the starting slot but it should be the passing game that is the game decider. Dalton worked to create a rapport with Tyler Boyd after AJ Green went down last year. The latter is back and there is also Top 5 te Eifert in the mix. And don’t forget about little Giovanni coming out of the backfield.

Pit/Cle: Pour one out for DeShone Kizer. He’s going to have the longest year of any player in the league. The ‘d’ stands for demoralized.

Ari/Det: Final score 51-48. You should probably take the over.

Jax/Hou: The Jags have more than their share of young-ish talent. Is this the year when that finally translates into “W”s? I think they’re one more year away but they seem headed in the right direction.

Oak/Ten: Qb Carr has a new OC this year that is giving him greater freedom to change plays at the line of scrimmage. I foresee wr Cooper destroying his previous career highs across the board.

Phi/Was: The Dacteds have won five straight against their divisional kin and get them at home to start the year. Qb Cousins has two new wr’s in Pryor and Doctson but the key to his success comes down to the (according to Football Outsiders) second-ranked pass protecting O-line unit in front of him.

NOW GO GET ‘EM MATEYS!

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Now the Georgians get to go home happy until they find Irma has toppled a tree onto their house. Thanks for shitting on Notre Dame for us.

Dick E. Phuck

Eat your heart out, Chicago

Doktor Zymm

THE BEARISTOCRATS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

DontHair

I mean they’ve got 6 tight ends on this fucking team that are all 6’5 and none of them are in

King Hippo

why is Howard in, not Leonard Cohen?

blaxabbath

Nice to see State Farm already looking to cash in on Hurricanes Harvey and Irma.

King Hippo

THERE is yo’ derp

DontHair

Jesus H

Doktor Zymm

SUSPENSE!!!!!

King Hippo

ALMOST, Yo MTV Raps guy

JustStopDude

The Bengals are fucking TURRIBLE….

WCS

Time for today’s episode of Is This A Catch?

Spanky Datass

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King Hippo

THE LEGEND OF THE GIRAFFE LENGTHENS

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Okay Bears you’re running out of time to derp.

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NOW THERE’S SOME GODDAMNED CEMENT HANDED DERP

Doktor Zymm

Parity in the NFL is entirely caused by teams getting shittier, isn’t it?

blaxabbath

Problem is good franchises know to tank but the shitty ones don’t — so you get years where 8-12 teams are not even interested in sniffing playoff births.

US sports need relegation.

blaxabbath

Arizona to go 0-16.

Spur

BEASTMODE just murdered a Titan.

Dick E. Phuck

“Welcome to the club”
– Sahel Kazemi

Spur

All Hail Romodamus

Wakezilla

Arizona now without their Johnson. Lions comeback is imminent

King Hippo

might as well forfeit my fantasy season, too

Doktor Zymm

Glennon : SAVIOR OF CHICAGO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..ah….HAHAHAHA

DontHair

The holy tit Kisser disagrees

King Hippo

Let’s do this Giraffe!

Senor Weaselo

Jets radio: This is four-down territory.
/Jets go to punt
Jets radio: How are you not going for it if you want to win the game?

That’s just it, ESPN radio.

blaxabbath

Who dat chick?

Gratliff

The players with a unique protest over the [*Redacted] s mascot

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m reminded why I hate the modern NFL. Those defenseless receiver calls are bullshit.

Wakezilla

Brownsdown! Brownsdown!

And 27 on Stillers seems to be badly hurt

King Hippo

#ThePauls

#ClassicComeback

blaxabbath

#NOTYOURFATHERSPAULS

WCS

Plus, he got a personal foul called on him!

Spur

Romodamus. How does he call that run left?!

Brocky

Morbid question here: When’s the last time America had 5 living former presidents?

Dick E. Phuck

You just expect late-game heroics from the Lions because they play like a bunch of double amputees with epilepsy for the first three quarters.

blaxabbath

Don’t underestimate the Cardinals ability to blow WR1 coverage.

blaxabbath

Holy shit — now I’m getting interrupted by Amber Alert?? It’s fucking statewide and the people are missing from ABQ!

You know where I don’t see Kia’s on the I-40? From my fucking living room!

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Somehow I got an Amber Alert stuck in my phone from when I was driving through indiana. Every time I rebooted my phone for weeks after it blared at me until I figured out how to disable it.

Dick E. Phuck

“Holy shit — now I’m getting interrupted by Amber Alert??”
– John Gacy, if he time travelled to the present day

Wakezilla

Browns might make this interesting!

Wakezilla

That slam by Irvin was straight outta the 1970s Raiders playbook. Shame the refs are giving him a penalty for that (though deserved )

Spur

Raiders doing Raiders things

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The Bears are teasing me with what their eventual back-breaking derp will be.

Brocky

I thought that cooper pass was it. Now I don’t know what to feel

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Glennon cringes seeing someone preempt his derp.

DontHair

Strip sack fumble from the Gingeraffe on first and goal inside the 3. Book it.

Senor Weaselo

MCCOWNCEPTION, it was a matter of time.

WCS

BLEERGH continues to his reign of FRAGS on the Yinzers.

blaxabbath

I expect it out of Skip because he’s trash but I’m sad to see Shannon Sharpe lowering himself to this hottake bullshit.

Spur

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King Hippo

another FG??

blaxabbath

Cards are middle-of-the-pack in most preseason power rankings. Will end 2017 in bottom 5.

Wakezilla

They may be at the bottom, but they’ll be a power bottom

DontHair

Also came in just in time to see Kevin White leaving for the locker room so now we have -healthy receivers

DontHair

Had to take my dog out to shit who scored for the Bears?

Doktor Zymm

Hooper again

Doktor Zymm

Oh yeah, Cohen, my attention span is…..

King Hippo

pass from Giraffe to Leonard Cohen

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He’s our very own Tiny Darren!

DontHair

Hallelujah

Doktor Zymm

Is Cousins basically a less charismatic and successful Tony Romo?

Spur

How dare you speak of Romo like that.

Bortleback

Yeah that’s actually an insult to Romo

Doktor Zymm

Hey, just wait till later this season, you’ll see, Cousins can throw to Witten too!

Gratliff

I know, charismatic and successful are never words I’d associate with Tony

Wakezilla

I’d say Kirk is Andy Dalton’s COUSIN

Duchess

Kirk thinks Lazerface lives in sin.

Duchess

Think Teabow without the press or the college success.

Dick E. Phuck

To Paraphrase Big Dady Drew:
Cousins times his interceptions for maximum damage.

blaxabbath

“Stat sheets don’t tell the whole story.” -B. BortlesBBB

LemonJello

COUSINCEPTION!

King Hippo

Captain Kirk, still a #StupidPieceOfShit

Wakezilla

What did he do now?

King Hippo

pickerception inside the 20, threw it 3 feet over tiny Jamison Crowder’s head

Horatio Cornblower

So I stepped away to do some chores around the house, including taking out some AC units and putting screens back in the windows. I’m outside, up on a less-than-OSHA-approved step ladder screwing in a screen frame when my wife walks up to the window from the inside and flashes her boobs at me.

I never should have told her how much life insurance I have should I?

King Hippo

dying happy is no small beer

LemonJello

“Sure it was a freak accident, but it took the mortician all day to wipe the grin off his face.”

Wakezilla

Why are you on here and not getting some afternoon delight!

King Hippo

That’s for the 20 minutes between the end of RedZone and the DAL/NYG kickoff ,, smgdh

herodotus450

Here you dropped this radix: “.”

LemonJello

What’s the other 19:25 for?

Horatio Cornblower

Apologizing.

Horatio Cornblower

That was last night and I’m 48.

blaxabbath

Fuck OSHA.

herodotus450

Tommy Bahamanon TD catch!
Oh, I guess that was a while ago.

blaxabbath

Did Stafford grow that mustache at halftime?

Doktor Zymm

It’s just chocolate milk

Wakezilla

Fat Stafford down!

This Cardinals defense, I call Travis Henry because they really need to learn how to wrap it up.

Dick E. Phuck

A black Jew. In the NFL, that guy is double screwed.

King Hippo

Explains how he ended up at North Carolina A&T instead of UGA, and then a mid-round pick of the Bears instead of somewhere good.