The terribleness is at least mildly abated, as we have professional football once again.  And the people said “amen.”  Except for Bengals and Humps fans.  Sweet Baby Jeebus, that was brutal.

Or really, let’s start with the Savage Garden.  Unsurprisingly, Clemson’s Deshaun Watson was deemed not quite ready to start right away as a rookie, especially on a team that could plausibly win a so-so division with a placeholder QB.  That patience…lasted all of one half, as the Jaguar defense burned Houston’s Savage…Garden…down.  It was a very sad thing.  Watson managed one 2nd half score to DeAndre Hopkins, but the 29-7 final was, if anything, an understatement of JAX’ physical dominance.  Woopsie doodle.

But Red Rocket! and the Cincy OL had an equally horrible, no-good afternoon, getting blanked at home by their hated rival Ratbirds.  There was no 2nd half AJ McCarron sighting, but there easily could have been.  What an ugly start for a fanbase no doubt hoping to get the bottom of Boomer Sooner’s cleats off they minds.  Contrary to my expectations, LSU’s Fournette looked quite good in his debut.

Damn, I almost forgot…Carson Palmer, today’s turnover machine extraordinaire.  Is the end finally here for the guy I always get confused with Andy Dalton?  Did fucking David Johnson screw up his wrist for more than one week?  These questions will make the difference between AZ having a week to forget and being 2-14 fodder.  On the other hand, Detroit looks to have an actual football team to surround Fatty Stafford, for a change.  But again…time will tell.

Sometimes, at a fantasy football auction, you end up bidding on players you don’t actually want.  Kirk Cousins can eat shit and die.

Perhaps the most intriguing early game, in terms of “both sides could be alive deep in the post-season” was Oakland at Tennessee.  And somewhat surprising to this Hippo…the Raiders dominated start to finish.  Carr was excellent, Lynch did his old-school thing, the defense was indeed improved.  Los Titanicos didn’t look bad so much as Oakland just took it to them.  The top of the AFC West looks like a very rough neighbourhood so far.

How did we make it this far down without discussing #ThePauls?  They were indeed much, much better today.  That still was 3 points short at home v. Yinzburgh, but they didn’t get laughed off the field as many expected.  Kizer seemed…at least competent.  The defense…actually defended.  In short, it looked like The Factory came up with a design for an actual football team instead of a tax writeoff.  Antonio Brown is still a demigod for PIT, and he is their entire offense at this point.

The less said about Bills/Jets, the better.  I’m sorry, NY state.

The Giraffe certainly did enough today to stave off the rabid howlings of Chicagoland’s Biscuit Truthers for a few weeks.  A near-perfect 3-minute drive got the Bears to within 1st and goal of a 1-point win, but 2 drops (one incredibly hard catch, one easy one) and then terrible RT play on 4th down killed the dream and kept maybe 15% of your Suicide pool alive.  But the real story of the day was the Bears producing yet another “where’d that guy come from??” killer running back, with folk singer Leonard Cohen showing surprising wiggle (and blackness!) on the field, giving the team another dimension and fans a reason to watch, at least.

Drunk on Saturday night, I advised betting the family farm on RAMIT!!! to cover.  I took them in both of my Suicide pools (though I did lose with the P*ts in “Loser”).  I picked up they D/ST to start in place of the Chefs Week One (planned to cut them, but now??).  Did I in my wildest imagination see 46-9?  Christ on his throne, no!  I mean, a Wade Phillips defense (even sans Aaron Donald) v. the corpse of Scott Tolzien seemed rather unfair.  There were rumblings that Baby Buster had “made that jump” that 2nd year QBs sometimes make after sucking really bad (if they don’t remain in Tim Couch or Ryan Leaf territory).  But the aforementioned defense terrorized the Humps for 2 TDs and a safety, surrendering only a late score when Black HODOR! came into the game.  SPOILER: I absolutely fucking love Jacoby Brissett and plan to immediately insert him as my fantasy starter – yes, I do own him in my auction league.  But back to less niche stuff…I admit I may have been rash burying him last season, and Baby Buster’s balls may have indeed dropped.  His arm strength is still…Penningtonian, but he was King Laserface-level precise this week, and made excellent decisions.  These shits, and their dozens of homeless “fans,” just might make it to 9-7 and the NFCW title.

Cam Newton didn’t belong on the field Saturday afternoon.  It seemed like he could barely use his fucking right arm.  And Carolina still whipped San Fran 23-3.  New Year, same fucking Fighting Tomsulas.  I will give Kyle Shanahan credit for going for it on 4th down a lot (around midfield), he did at least try to win the game, not just lose most respectably.  That’s quite admirable.  But they have, like, no playmakers on offense.

Green Bay/Seattle was terrible footballing, terribly officiated, and kept pissing me off from a fantasy perspective.  As much shit as we give them, Rodgers and Charmslinger are really remarkable QBs, though.  Tis a game they were surrounded by so much absolute poo this Week One.  Do Better, Everyone.  Oh, Packers win 17-9, with Rodgers taking charge down the stretch and not letting RW get his hands on the ball again.

There’s no nice way to say this…without OBJ, Elisha is poopy.  DAK! managed the game, using that good canned-ham head we know he has on his shoulders.  Didn’t make for great teevee, though.

Monday night marathon awaits, fuckers.  Nap accordingly.