Your New England/Tampa Bay Thursday Night Special Open Thread

The 2-2 New England squadron suffered its second home loss of the season last week when Cam decided that a.) his shoulder wasn’t that bad after all and b.) perhaps he should pad his stat sheet a bit. Tampa squirted out a last-second victory over the hapless Giants on their home field. What delights will the onset of the NFL’s fifth week of play bring? In order to find out we must go… TO THE GAME!!!

Pats/Bucs: Doug “I’ve Got Two Goddamn First Names” Martin has served the longest 4-game suspension in NFL history if you mark time by the calendar and really, who doesn’t? The general take out there in Intranet Land is that he’ll be eased back into play but that fella has hella fresh legs you know. Muscle Hamster is in but starting lb’s Lavonte David and Kwon “KWONNNNNNNNN” Alexander are out as well as starting safety Keith Tandy. The thing is, all the Bucs have to do to increase their possibility of winning by 74.3287% (your math may vary) is to score 30 or more points. Teams that accomplish that feat are 29-12 against the Pats. If the sheep, er, Pats look up (I’m a sucker for a low-hanging John Brunner joke) they’ll see the mighty Buffalo Bills atop the AFC East at 3-1. Perhaps the blood-dimmed tide has been loosened but it’s more likely that things will fall apart for the Bills and their center will get called for holding. Any English Lit. majors out there? Anyone? Anyone? That’s what I thought.

Ready? Set? Type!

 

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Gratliff

Oh fuck. What decaying high school did Tampa steal those from?

King Hippo

As I understand it, Tampa is more or less one giant, decaying high school.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

But with fewer prostitutes

King Hippo

Do Romo’s eyes always dilate madly like this? Is he on poppers like that one Mac and Charlie adventure?

Redshirt

Did they skip the anthem?

Romonobyl

Yep, some networks decided to not show it

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope this becomes a trend.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ah yes, commemorating the quarterly Ritual Blood Sacrifice to the Second Amendment with a moment of silence. At least they’d be able to hear the gunshots if someone decided to go all shooty at the stadium.

Doktor Zymm

All the screening they do to make sure people don’t sneak in cheap booze tends to catch most firearms too. Afterall, that gun could secretly be a flask!

Redshirt

Sadly yes. I fully support the right bear arms. Not bear a freakin’ arsenal. Buying 33 guns should have at least warranted a phone call asking why he’s arming a fort?

...

Quarterly? Bitch, AMERICA DOES NOT WAIT THREE MONTHS.

Doktor Zymm

Following the liveblog without actually being able to watch the game is surprisingly fun.

blaxabbath

Oh yeah this is where it’s at for weekday games.

Romonobyl

I do it all the time.

Redshirt

The wind has caused the flag to wrap around the pole. This should be fun.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That would have been funnier if you’d misspelled “flag”.
Just saying.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna go grab some bao, and try to decide if I have the energy for a breakfast beer. Or maybe just Irish up a coffee.

hippofant

Why does the commercial for Wes Welker – A Football Life play out like Wes Welker is dead?

blaxabbath

I think the NFL knows his death date. While the NFLPA wanted all this CTE study to find solid preventative measures, NFL scientists used it to understand just when CTE’d brains would go so they could optimize #contentgeneration.

Doktor Zymm

Like some sort of Death Clock!

theeWeeBabySeamus

BLACK HIPPO FIST!!!!
ok that’s not what he called it, but still.

Romonobyl

So any news on how Gronk actually hurt his thigh?

King Hippo

has to involve a vape thingy and a 19-year old stripper

Redshirt

Gronk + Strippers + Pyramid = Gronk Owie?

Doktor Zymm

Tragic misunderstanding of how to do body shots

King Hippo

similarly could have gone hunting with Dick Cheney and Plaxico Burress

Redshirt

How the hell did they get John Cleese to do TNF? Is he this desperate for money?

That’s not right. Everyone chip in some money. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s a Python for cryin’ out loud!

Romonobyl

Fawlty Towers even.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe he did that bit ironically.

Gratliff

Don’t look a gift parrot in the mouth

Doktor Zymm

Wait, what?

Romonobyl

John Cleese did the little intro gag.

Romonobyl

John Fucking Cleese everyone.

King Hippo

well that’s a bit of a glass rod up the pee hole

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not as grating as season opening kickoff returned for TD by bad guys….but it’s right up there fo’ sho’.

Romonobyl

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JustStopDude

As a kid, I never understood why I hated the magicians and the clowns that would visit us kids at the Children’s ward at Johns Hopkins. It was until I was a lot older that I realized that the annoying handkerchief gag, where they keep pulling out a non-ending length of those fuckers….

reminding me of pulling out my catheters to clean them.

Holy shit that always sucked…

Redshirt

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit, JaySam had daylight if he’d have kept that.
We fooled ourselves on that one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And then that happens.
Fuck me.

Anthony In TX

Oh, by the way, my Astros* beat the ever-lovin’ dookie out of the Sawx today, so I’m already a happy boy.

*I am absolutely, unequivocally a fair-weather fan. When the Astros are good, they’re “my Astros.” When they suck, I don’t care at all.

King Hippo

They’uns the side playing the SAWX so they’s AMERICA’s Astros right now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Woohoo! Go Not – sox!

Hopefully this bodes well for tonight

Anthony In TX

Fingahs crawssed.

Redshirt

Hey, at least you admit it. MLB had turned me to technically a Fair Weather Reds fan. I say technically, because the way I see it, why should I invest my time and money on players that will be traded to a big market city if they turn out to be good?

Anthony In TX

Yeah, I’m a die-hard Texans and Rockets guy, and a total homer for all the other Houston teams, but I find it really hard to care about baseball when my team isn’t good. Why should I get upset about a game in mid-June when there’s like 1000 after that?

King Hippo

circus catch, that’s a #BlackPowerFist

Shogun Marcus

“You should take a left.”
That’s funny, you giving driving tips Cam.
“You should wear that.”
You giving fashion tips, that’s funny Cam.
“Hey…go run where I throw the ball.”
HEY FUCKFACE, 2 YARD OUTS AREN’T A THING. YOU AIN’T DAVID S PUMPKINS.

Anthony In TX

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, B–Oh, I see you’re already all here. Please take a seat. There is something of grave importance I need to speak to you about.

Your drinking has affected me in the following ways…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, that didn’t work the last time I heard it either.
Sit down and have a drink.

Anthony In TX

But I d–okay.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice Tom Petty “Free Fallin'” reference on the Pats D graphic there, CBS.

King Hippo

Think they played that when the coffin was lowered?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I would have gone with “Straight Into Darkness.”

King Hippo

#Montage

herodotus450

Red Wings have a player named Martin Frk. Maybe if he hadn’t played hockey has a kid his parents could have afforded to buy a vowel.

Anthony In TX

Sounds like a white suburban housewife is trying not to cuss in front of her kids.

Redshirt

So Bruce Wayne is now Batboy in Gotham?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nawt a catch…dammit.

Romonobyl

“Hey Tracy, here’s a quarter…”

You know the rest.

WCS

What in Jeebus’ name are the wolven sort wearing?

King Hippo

uniform dept needs a paddling, even worse than last week (they had a special name for it which I have already forgotten)

theeWeeBabySeamus

I cussed loudly, yes.
Crisis averted.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good front pressure so far. Thank God. Don’t let him get comfy and start picking our DB’s to pieces plz.

Redshirt

How did the Patriots play five games before playing a division opponent?

Viva La Tabula Raza

5 of their last 6 games of the season are against the AFC East, so I guess it balances out.

blaxabbath

Yeah – NE always wins the war of attrition. They will get MIA sans Ajai, NYJ eliminated and formally tanking, and BUF starting Joe Webb (Kaep will still be unsigned).

King Hippo

WOO!!

Doktor Zymm

I thought you were gonna go Chinua Achebe, but then you zagged Yeats!

Also, are they not doing that division games only on Thursdays thing this year?

Romonobyl

Your spellcheck must have shit itself over that post.

herodotus450

I guess even the nfl showed it has a heart and chose not to subject us to another Browns-Bengals and Jags-Titans color (no) rush (offense or defense).

Duchess

Pleasantly buzzed + over caffeinated + boring builders gala = A sassy Duchess… apologies if I fuck with your Twitter guys.

blaxabbath

Build the Rams stadium.

Redshirt

Um, when the last time the Patriots have been 2-3?

King Hippo

hopefully negative 4 hours ago

Duchess

They were 2-3 in 2001

herodotus450
...

This guy does an incredible Sebastian Gorka.

Redshirt

Alt-rights must be having a crisis now. Cam Newton, a black man, did something completely stupid, but he did it against a woman who has a job instead of being at home taking care of the kids where she belongs.

The poor POSs don’t know who to defend and who to condemn.

Romonobyl

And worse…a MAN’S job!

Doktor Zymm

Internet found some old tweets of hers that were racially insensitive too

Anthony In TX

Oh, they’ll condemn the black guy. When in doubt, it’s always the black guy.

blaxabbath

Yeah. He doesn’t need to be thinking too much about white women. Just answer the question so she can write her chesty little article, boy. I’ll worry about judging her; you just worry about not wrecking too many more trucks trying to race to the crack store.

Dunstan

No, the standard move for them is to write a piece demanding to know why the hypocrties in the librul mainstream media is covering up this story. While linking to prominent articles at ESPN, CNN, the NY Times…..

Wakezilla

Depends. Is the journalist white? If not, then it’s black on black violence

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t wanna wish (permanent) harm on him, but I would like to see us give Lamar Jackson the Teddy Bridgewater treatment tonight.

Doktor Zymm

You want Lamar to get a devastating non-contact injury?

Romonobyl

Just have him open a Twitter account.

Romonobyl

Actually that’s good, my doctor said I wasn’t getting enough salt and pork fat.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not sure that was a doctor.

Romonobyl

But…he had a van and everything!

Doktor Zymm

I don’t see you brandishing YOUR Hollywood Upstairs Medical School degree mister!

Romonobyl

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King Hippo

huh, State went JV colour rush. NO SMIRE.

Romonobyl

So Cam Newton makes a comment to a female reporter that could be considered offensive, then folks start tripping over each others assholes to find something on the reporter and discover 5 year old tweets that could also be considered offensive.
Will the be the first year that someone actually gets offended to death? Seems pretty serious.

King Hippo

twitter wars are the stupidest wars ,, ppl wud forget that but they are two busy retweeting

herodotus450

There’s still a chance that the next twitter update will electrocute every user the next time they open it. There’s still a chance…

Romonobyl

Guess I’m safe.

WCS

Speaking of Predator, and it’s gubernatorial ties, Sonny Landham (Billy) also ran for governor of Kentucky. This was after Jesse Ventura, but, before AHHNOLD.

Romonobyl

So the P*ts drew a TNF game. I guess this was the league’s official punishment for deflate-gate.

Redshirt

God help me, I’m picking the Jets in the Suicide Pool. I’ve gone reckless after dying last week.

Horatio Cornblower

Right there with you.

herodotus450

smh if a movie can’t generate three governors from its main acting cast then it’s not worth wathing imho

Redshirt

I still have to watch that movie.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I watched it last year for the first time in a quarter century and still enjoyed the hell out of it. It’s one of my 20-something-yo nephew’s favorites, which I think is cool too.

laserguru

Alas, the Chargers have kicked another Young Ho to the curb.

Oh the humanity.

ballsofsteelandfury

back on the streets…

King Hippo

made it all the way to ep 8 of Vietnam. Nixon’s turn to bumblefuck around.

DontHair

The ken burns docuseries? How has it been?

King Hippo

I likes it

DontHair

I’ve been watching WWII in colour the BBC series’s on Netflix and that’s been really good. Hitler’s military strategy was akin to Pete Carrols play calling in the Super Bowl.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They run that a lot on AHC. I often have it on in the background while doing other things. Great doc series.

Yes, I’m boring.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still need to start that.

DontHair

Has anyone tried the leinenkuegel Oktoberfest? Almost picked up a six pack on the way home but I figured I’d ask some beer aficionados first.

...

As a rule, I’ll pass on Leinenkugel beers if I can find anything else similar available.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I have no idea if you’ll see this, but as someone who attended college less than 10 miles away from the Leinenkuegel factory, I feel obliged to offer my advice, so here goes. (Be advised, my tastes run to more malty and less hoppy beers)

Oktoberfest is an adequate example of it’s type. Creamy Dark is my favorite and is quite good for the price. I like the Vanilla Porter, but it’s very much depends on your personal taste.

Probably the best of the Leinis is their Red Ale.

Happy Drinking!

DontHair

Made that same face as the banner picture guy during my after work shit

King Hippo

I had the hangover shits all day. Feels as though I have aged 10 years or so.

DontHair

Well I think my best bet is to pile on greasy fried football watching food on top of this disaster area so I can soak up whatever evil is brewing inside of me. Should work out just fine:

King Hippo

fighting fire with fire, huzzah!

King Hippo

NC State is doing a “black out” tonight, so join me in making the black power fist at the teevee box if’n my shitty wolves do anything of substance good-like.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unity, my Bruthuh.

Unsurprised

Oh, good. I have two events to go to that excuse me from participating beyond “I refuse to watch NFL games.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Lucky bastard. I only have one.

King Hippo

I got offered a ticket to the NC State/Louisville game, but that would have meant (i) sitting in game/rush hour hybrid traffic; (ii) submitting my c-spine to bleacher seating; and (iii) not being able to track Gronk injury proper-like. HARD PASS.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I went thru the same progression of reads.
Why ya think my ass is at home getting drunk instead of walking soberly thru the parking lot right now?

Well, not soberly, but less drunk let’s call it.

King Hippo

Thankfully, Gronk gets completely scratched so I don’t agonize over whether to start him.

Unfortunately, bye weeks meant I was already starting Evan Engram in the Dreaded Two TE Alignment…so it’s the uber-sketchy Alex Collins (who??) who goes in fer him.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If most of my points don’t come tonight, I’m dead meat this week.

Redshirt

He’s down. You’re good.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that a Yeats tampon advertisement?

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