Your “This’ll Test Your Fookin’ Mettle” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

It’s a frosty, uncaring world out there. What’s the point of even holding the door open for anyone anymore? And yet we do it because in our heart of hearts we know that we have to be optimistic, we must believe that there is good out there in the world. We football fans slog our way through the week so that we can be rewarded for our patience with the world at large on Thursday [LOUD RECORD SCRATCH] “Denver at Indianapolis? Denver at Indianpolis!!?? ” You’re trying your hardest to break me, NFL, but I’m not giving in out of sheer unadulterated spite. ‘Spite’ can be be a positive emotional response, right? Right? Hmmm. Ok. TO THE GAME!

Broncos/Colts: Both of these last-place, division basement-dwellers are so pathetic even the ghost of Kenneth Pinyan wouldn’t be able to support them.

Pssst! The Cavaliers are playing somebody tonight.

First off, Carrot Top is giving all the props to human-titanium hybrid Frank Gore. The guy John Riggins-ed his way to 36(!) carries last week to the tune of more yards than I can count.

Hey! You! Yeah, you. The Caps and Bruins looks like a great game.

How can you lose eight straight games when you have the league’s overall best D and the second-best pass defense? Seems impossible, don’t it? Well, Denver found a way to do it.

Do you like JV basketball? #21 Baylor is gonna whup Texas Southern tonight.

So, uh, perhaps you’ve got T.Y. on your fantasy roster or that kicker that’s never gonna retire-whatever your reasons…enjoy.

The Women’s Network is featuring A Song For Christmas at 8pm. A pop singer is gonna get stranded in a small town, be all high and mighty, get her comeuppance, fall for simple-livin’ farmer and give up fame and fortune or something. (I bet)

Do what ya gotta do, kinfolk.

 

 

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Doktor Zymm

Men! This game has shown us that there IS a place that makes orange leggings tailored for the male body. Go forth, purchase, and start a trend! You may feel ridiculous, but the payoff will come when you can watch many, many others look ridiculous in the future!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not listening to you. You told me you’d give me eyeliner and get me laid in Vegas.
Neither happened. I think you’re just fucking around now.

Doktor Zymm

I totally would have if I had remembered earlier.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So your defense is….”I forgot”.

Thanks for that. 😉

Doktor Zymm

‘I forgot’ and ‘I was too lazy’ are the main reasons I haven’t accomplished lots of stuff. It’s probably for the best, there are lots of people out there who probably wouldn’t agree with my particular brand of world domination.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I had a whole plan. You were going to ask hot chicks on the casino floor if they like my new look. One would eventually have been drunk enough to say yes.

Doktor Zymm

You joke, but I’ve done almost exactly this before. Women make the best wingmen

theeWeeBabySeamus

I wasn’t joking.

Thanks for nothing.

Doktor Zymm

Next year, remind me Saturday night if I don’t say anything by like…10 pm

theeWeeBabySeamus

If you don’t say anything by Sat 10pm, it won’t be because I roofied you.

Honest. You just got a bad batch of absinthe or something.

Doktor Zymm

Ugh, absinthe would be so much better if it wasn’t so damn licorice flavored

theeWeeBabySeamus

In all seriousness…I was gonna let you do it and then see what happened. But we ran out of time.

(once again, that sounds terrible out of context)

Shogun Marcus

I’d made one happen by hand and the other by charm were I been there.
/dealer’s choice

King Hippo

you are gonna need to whip up lots of PCP in yer weekend happiness laboratory

Shogun Marcus

You been talking to my wife?
/orange be her fave. O AN U KNO IT SEXAY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I already turned my into chaps.

King Hippo

Now you don’t punt, just take a knee. Duh doy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gird your loins, Hippo.
This might be where Brock screws the pooch.

King Hippo

bet it’s Bolles again

King Hippo

no, it’s the worse guy

Doktor Zymm

Are you still yay Donks win, or are you rooting for draft picks at this point?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good question.

King Hippo

Little Column A, Little Column B

I know that a loss is logically better, but I was all WOO!!!! when Brock Lobster scored.

Doktor Zymm

Been there

King Hippo

yeah, ‘Dacteds been down that 5-11/6-10 road before

Doktor Zymm

The whole problem with that philosophy is; If the team sucks that bad, you probably can’t trust them to draft well.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In case anyone is interested, Beastmode and meself are still deadlocked at 4.00 to 1.20. Not the most exciting playoff game in ever, I’ll grant you. BUT I’M STILL WINNING!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Remember a few years ago when it was pretty easy to name the starting QB for like, 2/3 of the league?

herodotus450

Hell you just start a with Matt and throw out a last name and you gotta qb name goin: Matt Moore, Matt Flynn, Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Matt Hasslebeck,

King Hippo

HIPPO NEEDS FG!!

LemonJello

Somebody tell Brock Lobster that if he cracks he exoskeleton diving like that, they’ll have to pull Manningbot out of cold storage and start the boot-up process and refuel his atomic engine.

King Hippo

Emergency QB is the punt returner/surfer looking honky #4 WR.

King Hippo

/two minute keytar solo

litre_cola

Brockdown?

Redshirt

Brock do a good?

King Hippo

BROCK LOBSTER!!!!

Gratliff

Flyers lost 10 straight, and have just won their 5th straight since the 10th loss. Good ol’ streaky as fuck hockey.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I guess he’s not as beloved these days, but I sure enjoyed Bobby BigWheel’s takedown of DoJu’s blithering idiocy here:

https://mobile.twitter.com/DonaldJTrumpJr/status/941467519222771713

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The original tweet. Note that Donald Trump appointed the current FCC Chairman.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s only because he hadn’t heard of it until this week.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also DoJu didn’t even spell “neutrality” correctly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought net neutality was some kind of phishing tool……

/sorry

litre_cola

That is beautiful.

herodotus450

Does DoJu not understand that Obama and his dad are different people? Or maybe they’re not…

Gratliff

It was a wonderful owning. I Just wish Jr wasn’t a sentient fern and could understand any of the words being thrown at him.

WCS

What a dumb tool.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought my dead ex wife had come back to life there for a sec.

litre_cola

Interception time. You can do this Brock.

Shogun Marcus

I flipped a 2800 lb car multiple times, stopped upright, eventually crawled out, walked around, had a smoke, THEN felt a twinge before finding out in the ER I was .0002 from snapping my cord.
/just saying sometimes these hits are more than they appear.

Doktor Zymm

While our bodies are good enough at signalling serious injury via pain to keep the species going, there’s enough anomalous shit in there (ingrown toenail being waaay more painful than brain injury) that I’m convinced YMMV wildly on an individual basis. Glad you still have enough movement in your hands to type!

Shogun Marcus

I can still yoga into tree, sun salutations, and if right, ankle back to my shoulders. Behind, like limbo jackholes. I’m too stupid to die and smart enough to know when he’s winning. Let’s go.

King Hippo

fuck that was awesome

Petronel

Seriously. Kinda wish they could give it to him for the awesomeness alone.

King Hippo

Too bad Bolles is ALWAYS holding, and Booker gets like 3 touches a game no matter what he does.

Fronkenshteen

You still in the money fantasy-wise, Hippo?

King Hippo

Semifinals. I did NOT make Top 3 in regular season points. Only player I have going tonight is McManus, at least his miss was 40+ so didn’t cost me.

I am 9.2-point underdog. Fucking Ertz.

Fronkenshteen

Best of luck. 9.2 is nothing. It’s one 30 yard TD.

King Hippo

that was obvious enough

Redshirt

The man immobilized with his face mask removed has a neck injury? Thanks for clearing that up NFLN.

I have a feeling they would’ve rule Joe Theismann as “doubtful with a slight ankle sprain”.

Fronkenshteen

I know Phish is a rather polarizing band, but goddamn, the “Mike’s Song” on Hampton Comes Alive! is a fucking GROOVE.

JustStopDude

Chinese rooftopping star Wu Yongning fell to his death from 62-storey building while attempting a challenge. https://t.co/IXG7tKYSCj pic.twitter.com/uRRtyEz6hD

— The Straits Times (@STcom) December 12, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Gratliff

I’m routinely amazed they aren’t just scraping these people off the ground on a daily basis.

Redshirt

Natural Selection at work, everyone.

Doktor Zymm

I was reading about this earlier today….dude was gonna use the money to pay for his wedding

Redshirt

Aw. Now I feel like a dick.

King Hippo

well…one can get married for like $100, if one wants to be pedantic about it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No need. He was the idiot, not you.
Gravity is not just a “theory”…ppl forget that. Like him. Now he’s flat. Like the Earth.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Alternate Response Initiated…

ME TOO!!!!!!

– A. Rodgers

Horatio Cornblower

Eh, the wedding would have left him flat broke anyway.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey ohhhhh!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thanks Donks D. Back to the waiver wire foar next week it is I guess.
(j/k…they were only a stopgap and the waiver was already filed for an even shittier D next week….which I likely won’t need)

Viva La Tabula Raza

“He has been transported to a local primary hospital.”
Why not just take him to an urgent care clinic?

Doktor Zymm

I bet the CVS Minute Clinic could handle it

King Hippo

surely Irsay knows a quack?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If that means the whole family rapes ducks, then I concur.
Fuck them.

Horatio Cornblower

The ducks or the whole family?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes?

herodotus450
Horatio Cornblower

My son’s home from college so I let him use the good TV to play CoD.

I have no regrets.

Gratliff

College age, so I’m guessing the racial slurs are down a solid 15% or so from his early CoD days.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think I’d been playing more than five minutes before I got called a (bundle of sticks used as firewood).

By my son.

For ruining his Kill/Death ratio.

Gratliff

If your KD is any lower than 2.3, you clearly enjoy sucking dick on the sly. Everyone knows this.

Shogun Marcus

I fully endorse this. Have him show you Hellblade if on Ps4.

Horatio Cornblower

Xbox One.

Doktor Zymm

No regrets about the TV, or about having kids? Or letting them go to college?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just drown ’em.

– A. Yates

(too soon?)
((probably))

Senor Weaselo

Too late?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, that too.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, the TV. When the second one goes next year it’s ramen noodles and hot water 3 times a day for the next two years.

Gratliff

The ol’ poverty diet is the only one that’s ever worked for me.

King Hippo

they must have got maximum shit feedback re “sky cam”

theeWeeBabySeamus

This would be a good time to get good again.

– tWBS talking to Donks’ D ’16

theeWeeBabySeamus

Seriously…I’d even settle for just one sack.
(that sounds bad…shut up)

litre_cola

Seems Moose isn’t here tonight or I would expect something interesting for that reply.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe….good point.

Doktor Zymm

So, possible scrap of hope, maybe it seems like there are more really bad injuries because they’re being more careful about spine/head stuff and players are less likely to try and push through….(no, I don’t really believe it either, but it is possible)

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s a factor no doubt.
But sadly, only because they didn’t have to give a shit in years past.

Wooooo awareness.

Doktor Zymm

It’s really amazing how little of a shit they had to give in the ‘glory days.’ The guy who owned my gym in Chicago, his dad played D-lineman for the Bears in the 70s. He had some medical imaging done for one of a plethora of leftover injuries and found out he had a healed vertebrae. Apparently he played a whole season with a cracked one and it was never even diagnosed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now that’s scary.
Yikes.

Redshirt

I’m not sure. If I can move my feet pain free, I’m not being put on a backboard. Not for damage; but for the mental image my family would have.

King Hippo

hey, Brock almost made a first down!

Senor Weaselo

Well, I just got myself health insurance. So cross that major life milestone off my list. Let’s see what’s next on the list!

…Be stamped by the boot of our corporate overlords forever? Goddammit.

Doktor Zymm

Oh! Go get a physical and whatever other free crap is covered! Use dem bennies!

Senor Weaselo

I’m not due for a physical until September and an eye exam until October. And I’ll probably only be allowed the one! (Remember Dok, musician.)

Doktor Zymm

You get one a calendar year on most plans, but you get all the fancy bloodwork and everything. Aren’t you eager to learn your magnesium levels??

Senor Weaselo

Madre Weaselo works in the lab, so she knows all that. And then yells at me.

JustStopDude

Just walked into the living room to see another body getting scrapped off the field.

So…yeah…this is just a blood sport. I think we all need to recognize that.

Redshirt

They got the players stronger and faster than the safety equipment can handle.

Senor Weaselo

That’s the same vein as the glut of ACL/Tommy John injuries. You can’t go to the gym to work out a ligament.

Redshirt

Agreed. Everytime I saw Aroldis Chapman throw 100+ MPH fastballs, I kept waiting for the one pitch where his forcefully severed arm following a spilt second later going 80.

Senor Weaselo

Well, that almost happened when they shut him down for a couple weeks.

King Hippo

aka “the Dravecky”

Doktor Zymm

For tendon/ligament stuff you can at least work on agility and strengthen smaller supporting muscles. Nothing you can do for spine/brain 🙁

JustStopDude

This is exactly why I only gamble on cage fights when the participants are younger than 14.

King Hippo

but it’s our goddamned blood sport

Redshirt

Brock Lobster? What happened to Ape Name?

King Hippo

ded (separated shoulder) via Mingo

Doktor Zymm

I feel like maybe spinal conditions are not something you should try to overcome to play a sport known for awful spinal injuries…

litre_cola

Is it me or is there way more cart trips this year. They are “wussifying” the game but more big injuries it seems.

Doktor Zymm

Seems like it to me too, but no idea if it’s true or not

Redshirt

Wow. This is a lot like Shazier’s injury; didn’t look like much but holy crap.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I went to get a beer.
Who ded?

Senor Weaselo

Us. Inside.

King Hippo

now that you have insurance, that is what is known as a “pre-existing condition”

Shogun Marcus

Heh. Ha. Uh. Well…Ok. It would seem ridiculous illness makes one feel comfy. Like it or not folks, coming soon, how the 2010(?) packers super bowl nearly killed me.

WCS

Who was just murderdeathkilled?

King Hippo

special teamer Hump

...

So how’s the horse on horse action going?

King Hippo

Catherine the Great would be barely moist ,, smh

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shit, that’s funny as fuck.

...

A far more… explicit answer than I expected but a sufficient one. Thank you.

deviantBastard

Needs visuals.

King Hippo

dunno what you’ll get if you Google “Russian lady fucking a horse” but let us know, k?

theeWeeBabySeamus

No, please don’t.

Horatio Cornblower

“dunno what you’ll get if you Google “Russian lady fucking a horse””

I do. Arrested.

Horatio Cornblower

Can a reply get the banner? Because…(points up)

Doktor Zymm

Oh dammit, more horrible injuries? Is it recency bias or have there been more of these this year?

LemonJello

Injury cart is da real MVP tonight.

deviantBastard

I miss the Madden cart that would run over and push players out of the way just to pick up the injured player.

Petronel

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Injury cart is always da real MVP.

Doktor Zymm

LOL There’s a local documentary about Bay Area cannabis activists

theeWeeBabySeamus

They told me there was no film in that camera.

Doktor Zymm

Were you the hippie calling pot ‘nature’s greatest gift to mankind’?

litre_cola

Those people are heroes.

Gratliff

I like how they call the interference, but not the DDT

LemonJello

It was after the play ended, so it didn’t really happen, right?

King Hippo

Everything changes now, the Lobster is in the Pot!

Doktor Zymm

Is that a metaphor or are you actually cooking and consuming delicious lobster?

King Hippo

nah, I am running out of ways to feign Osweiler excite

/is still legit better than Siemian, at least

herodotus450

(insert picture of an ape in an ap(e)ron and chefs hat trying to stuff a lobster in a pot while a giraffe looks on in the backgournd)

Doktor Zymm

I think they should totally pump up the color rush idea by playing the game in blacklight and having the teams play in different colors of blacklight responsive uniforms. Also there should be obstacles on the field and crazy music playing. Also the teams should be playing laser tag instead of football.

Doktor Zymm

Sparkling Rose and butter sandwiches for dinner. O AN I HEALTHY

litre_cola

From where? Nawt the butter sandwiches.

Doktor Zymm

I’m trying the Trader Joe’s private label. CA blend.

Shogun Marcus

Let it dribble some…O SHE SEXY LIKE MY DYING WIFE NOW!
(we recovering from plague. I’m good now, she’s one night away).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Keep dreaming, Pal. You be dribbling for awhile.

– Lady Shogun

Shogun Marcus

GIT OUT OUR ROOM LEST YE TAPING OR PARTICIPATING!
/naw you just want out at the moment. Sleep and fever dreams.

deviantBastard

What’s with the cart for an arm injury?

Doktor Zymm

It’s the only thing the NFLPA managed to negotiate this year

King Hippo

I guess that’s one you still don’t wanna jostle (seemed like shoulder separation)

Gratliff

Loooooooool. Simian getting John Cena’d off the field