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Happy holidays folks! You know Christmas is just a few days away don’t you? You didn’t procrastinate again this year did you? Goddammit! Why do you do this to yourself? Now it’s getting too late to order something online and have it shipped to you.

You may even have to go to…

/shudders

The Mall!

Fuck that! You know some people say they actually like going to the mall around the holidays.

Are you fucking insane?!? What the fuck is likable about not finding parking, about overcrowded stores or impatient assholes running over each other just to buy something at 10% off?

No! We are not doing that. You are going to probably want to sign up for Amazon Prime and just buy the shit online like a sane rational person. They can even do next day delivery. That’s what a civilized person with some fucking sensibilities would do.

Trust me.

OK. That’s sorted out. Now, what to buy? That’s why I’m here. To give you some ideas and general suggestions but with a quick disclaimer; this is a gift guide for buying for girls. Somebody else can tell you how to shop for boys because I have ZERO experience with that shit. As a father of 2 daughters and a grandfather of 3 granddaughters this is the only shit I know.

I remember when my ex was pregnant thinking about all the cool stuff I would buy if the baby was a boy. Baseball gloves, basketballs, Hot Wheels and G.I. Joes, all the cool shit that I wanted when I was growing up.

Well guess what? I apparently have no “Y” chromosomes whatsoever. And it’s a generational thing too!

When the daughter was born I was utterly clueless as far as what to buy for her. I was brought up with only boys in my family. No sisters and no exposure to female gifts.

I did learn and over a period of time I even became pretty damn adept at gift giving for the young ladies. If you are buying a gift for a little lady I am going to offer some assistance. It’s really not that hard.

First thing, let’s cover a couple of ground rules.

Rule #1: Fuck the franchise! DO NOT under any circumstances think you can simplify your gift giving over a period of time by buying into a franchise like Barbie or American Girl or any of that madness. Just look at this shit!

That’s a Barbie Dream House. That’s 150 bucks American. That’s fucking lunacy. That also doesn’t include any actual Barbies.

My daughter Eldest Right was brought up on the Barbie franchise. While it does make gift giving easier because for several years in a row you can cheat and just buy Barbie shit it also removes any actual good gift ideas and maybe the kid doesn’t want Barbie every fucking thing. Did you think of that?

Youngest right was tied in directly to another franchise..

Yes, Redshirt that’s My Little Pony.

Just plain lazy and painfully expensive if you travel this route. That way is madness.

Rule #2: Always go for quantity over quality. Especially if the recipient is young.

Give them a bunch of small gifts. Remember kids enjoy opening packages more than the actual content of the packages.

Rule #3: All bets are off if there are female siblings in the same house. My girls are a few years apart in age and they had a a bit of a mean streak towards each other. When they got into arguments the motherfucking gloves came off. One day eldest right came into the living room in tears and said “Dad, youngest right ripped the heads off of all of my Barbies!” and youngest right replied “I haven’t seen my purple pony for a week and you were playing with it last!”

I guess what I’m saying in this instance is keep it cheap if there are siblings. Vengeful little heathens

Rule #4: Don’t buy clothes! Especially if you’re not the direct parent. You have no clue what the current fashion is for a girl of whatever the fuck age. If you buy the wrong thing that little girl ain’t EVER gonna wear that shit out of the house. The only time you will ever see it is when you personally visit their house when she will wear it just to appease you. No dammit. Buy toys or crafts.

Rule #5: Don’t start giving expensive gifts too early. It raises expectations. Be a cheap bastard early and you will save some Christmas dough in the long run. My oldest granddaughter got an Ipod Nano one year because I thought that would be cool. It was missing less than a week later and has never been seen again.

Final Rule: Don’t be an asshole and give a gift with 5,000 tiny pieces. Sorry, this includes Legos as well. Family story time! My oldest brother has two daughters who are pretty close in age to youngest right. Each year for Christmas it was easy to shop because they were in the same general age group. For some stupid reason we got into a gift “arms race” for awhile. I’m not sure who started it but it was probably me. One year I bought my nieces a gumball machine with a refill bag of 500 gumballs. Yes, that was kind of shitty of me. Anyway this started the escalation. It continued for a couple of years until my brother gave youngest right a book of 1,000 stickers.

That is some fucked up shit right there. We found stickers on the TV, on every window in the house, on the oven, on the refrigerator, on the fucking toaster. Every fucking where. This was the equivalent of firing the ICBM of gifts.

How did I answer back the following year? The only way that I knew how.

Yep, I gave each of my nieces an air horn AND another bag of 500 gumballs each.

An armistice was signed later that same day.

My nieces, both grown and with kids of their own, will still occasionally call me Uncle Gumball.

So what does that leave us to buy? I’m here to tell you.

My three granddaughters are 12 years old, 5 years old and a year and a half respectively. Let’s start with the wee little yowun right. A baby who is just over a year old is right in the Playskool wheelhouse. We are talking about shapes, colors, activity sets.

Here’s an actual present she will receive.

Blocks. Nice and colorful, also teaches shapes and hand eye coordination. Plus it’s only like 8 bucks! That allows us to buy more small presents. I also bought a book that has different animals and there is some faux hair for each animal that the baby can touch. She also is getting a take along musical toy and a ball with different textures and shapes on it. Four or five packages to open and it all cost less than 50 bucks? Fuck yes!

For the five year old or “The Wahini” as she is known, some artsy craftsy shit. She just started pre-kindergarten – she was born in December so she was just under the age limit for kindergarten – and she’s getting the standard exposure to playdough, crayons and scissors and shit. She’s getting this.

As well as a light up tracing dealie. Think of a “Lite Brite” but for tracing things, and she’s getting a butterfly necklace making kit and stuff like that.

I have a sad confession to make. Her birthday being in early December always means you run the risk of combining the birthday gifts with the Christmas gifts. In the past I’ve been able to keep them separate but this year? Yeah. She’s getting birthday presents and Christmas presents at the same time. It’s not my fault! Well some of it’s not. Her mom, eldest right has been working a second job just for the holidays and we just haven’t been able to get together.

Don’t be that guy! Keep each occasion separate!

Shit.

The 12 year old is a little different. She, being the oldest has been my beta-testing group for gift giving. She’s gone though all of my gift giving lessons which allows me to present you with actual practical ideas because she received all of my bizarre gifts in the past. At 12 most girls are getting more into “experiences” and even the cash or gift card range. For the last couple if years I’ve given and then renewed a Knott’s Berry Farm annual passport and something specific for her. Either books, she loves to read, or a small learning based gift.

Here’s where the trial and error thing came in. After a few years my daughter stopped helping me with gift suggestions and basically forced me to come up with an original gift idea.

Shit.

So, some of the presents over the last couple of years have been interesting. She’s received an harmonica, a small learning guitar and last year I even bought her…

A box of rocks. But like for science and shit! She actually really dug it. She’s a super bright girl and this is something she appreciated but still?

Her favorite present that I’ve given her was easily a trip to Universal Studios for her birthday along with a real wand from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

So what is she getting this year?

Art supplies! She’s a hell of an artist and this will keep her busy for a good while.

No, that’s not all, she’s also getting this!

A deck of cards and 50 dollars cash!

She’s right around her 3 month poker apprenticeship and she’s getting to be a badass poker player. Last time we got together she won like 12 bucks from the adults at the table. I taught her mom to play poker when she was about 12 and I’m keeping that legacy going. Poker is very much a right family tradition.

I’m quite proud of the gifts she will get this year because it’s personal to her. It is also most definitely a “grandaddy” present.

In addition to books, which you can give as early as the first Christmas, I am obviously fond of the learning type toys and arts and crafts for the little ladies.

I hope this has given you some ideas for what to buy the girls in the family. You’ve got just enough time to research this shit and make it happen.

Maybe one of our other DFOers with boys in their family can cover the male gender and we can make this all encompasing.

Happy Holidays folks! Glad you are with us and remember: Don’t buy clothes for a present!

Unless it’s something really sweet!

PEACE!