Offseason QB Interviews! – Denver edition.

litre_cola

litre_cola

Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia.
litre_cola

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Ahhh yeaahh Denver. Mountains? Check. Good beer? Check. Legal weed? Check. QB interview? Well, we shall just see about that. I have absolutely no idea who I am going to speak to but I will trust that Internet Dad has this set up for me. First things first have to get me to the city, grab a beer and a smoke.

WHO THE HELL BUILT THIS TERRIBLE AIRPORT AND WHY IS IT SO FAR AWAY FROM THE CITY?!?!?!?!

Having been here before for a music festival sure makes navigating this place easy, hell I even know where the parking lot is at Sports Authority Field. Is Sports Authority still in business? I figured that Dick’s would have swallowed them up by now, or maybe it is the other way around. Heh.

Arriving at the facility I notice a lot of hay bales in the parking lot. Stepping over horseshit I figure that they must be getting ready for Riotfest this summer as it used to take place at a farm you see.

 

LC: Hi, I am here for Door Flies Open for my postseason QB interview.

Security: Sorry, we don’t have any of those here.

LC: Ha, no seriously can you let me in? I have an appointment.

Security: OK, here take this bag of carrots they are kind of like passes here.

LC: Man, you guys take the whole Broncos thing seriously.

Security: Sure do, and put these tic tacs in your pocket, we don’t want you sneaking up on anybody, makes for an awful episode.

Walking in to the locker room I can’t help but see a lot of blood above the door frame. I wander over to the “QB corner” and none of the stalls have any name plates above them. I do realize they are in quite the conundrum when it comes to the starter position here but this is what I am here to figure out.

LC: Hey man do you know where I can find the QB’s?

Demarcus Ware: Yeah they are out with my chickens, and don’t say hay around here too loud.

LC: Excuse me?

DW: Did you not see my hilarious commercial?

LC: Oh yeah, ok, I get it. You actually keep chickens here?

DW: Of course, we have to sacrifice them before every game. How do you think our defense gets up when we have to play with these useless QB’s.

LC: I see, I did think that you guys would have had a better season than you did, but we can probably chalk that up to your anemic offense.

DW: Have you ever seen a baby giraffe?

LC: Sure, at the zoo.

DW: They can’t walk, have tiny brains and yes a zoo is a place for them, not at the line of scrimmage.

LC: Oh I get it, a Brock joke, very funny. He is a really rich giraffe any way you look at it. Plus he went to ASU so just think about the women he would have had there.

DW: Yeah that is some Shawn Bradley type coitus action.

LC: Alright thank you, and do me a favoUr and quit it with those stupid Old Spice commercials. They make no sense and are incredibly stupid.

Demarcus was correct, under the stadium there is indeed a working barn with chickens, goats and stalls for horses that have the name plates above them Lyncher, Long Neck, and Cumboy. First thing is first, who would DFO like to hear from?

 

LC: Hi Paxton, can we have a chat for a few minutes?

PL: Yesss brahhh.

LC: Oh dear God. So this season was a failure for all intents and purposes how do you plan to rectify your injury issues and move forward next year?

PL: Awww dude-man we just have to like get totally stronger you know and like Farmer John says we have to have the mentality of horses. Dude, can I have a carrot?

LC: OK, here.

PL: Perfect man, it like is almost like time for our vitamin shots brah.

 

<<<DOOR FLIES OPEN>>>

 

JE: DID I HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT CARROTS?

LC: Mr. Elway! Pleasure to meet you, I was just talking to Paxton about next year, how do you see your qb situation next year?

JE: MAKE WITH THE CARROTS.

LC: Here, take the bag.

From the stable next door

TSiemian: I wouldn’t do that, those are like speed to him.

JE: SHUT UP CUMBOY! SEE!!! THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!! YOU HAVE NO GET UP AND GO!

PL: I like, totally, like, wish he would just get up and go,  noodle armed loser.

TS: Screw you surfer dick, you are just a wasted draft pick you bandanna wearing clown.

PL: Man, you are such a buzzkill dude. Everyone in this state is like so chill and you cum in here and spray passes all over their faces. Everyone totally hates you dude, you should probably just leave man.

JE: WHEEEEEEE I LOVE CARROTS!!!!

LC: Why do they send me to do these?

JE: I HAVE AN IDEA!!! ALL OF YOU COME WITH ME! WE”RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THAT THE OLD GRAY MARE STILL HAS IT.

Bleeding from his head and a clearly concussed Brock Osweiler comes out from the third stable and follows the group while “Farmer John” runs around us in circles getting more and more excited. We enter the playing field where a rudimentary steeplechase track is set up.

LC: I see you weren’t kidding Paxton about him wanting him to train you like horses.

PL: Dude. Every damn day he does this to us. Still haven’t like, gotten our vitamin shots yet.

JE: YEAAAHHHH YOU SEE LYNCHER I KEPT THEM ALL FOR MYSELF! OLD CLYDESDALE JOHN IS GOING TO RUN SHIT NEXT YEAR!

BO: My head hurts, suits me fine I’m still getting that sweet Houston/Cleveland money. 

LC: I don’t think you even have a contract next year Brock.

JE: YEAAAHHH WE ARE GOING TO PAY HIM IN APPLES AND ONCE WE GET HIM NEW SOLID SHOES WE WILL BE UNBEATABLE. YOU EVER BEEN TO THE RACES IN AFRICA?

LC: What? No, well once in Morocco I.

JE: DOESN’T MATTER. YOU EVER SEEN A GIRAFFE RUN?

LC: No

PL: No dude.

TS: N-

JE: SHUT UP CUMBOY! WE ARE GOING TO PUT HORSESHOES ON BROCK AND HE WILL BE MY BACK UP! DEMARCUS YOU GOT THE HAMMER AND NAILS?

LC: Is that a Tebow joke?

DW: Sure do! Lay down on the ground long neck and let’s do this!

LC: I am out of here, this whole qb trip just gets weirder and weirder.

If you missed last week in San Francisco.

litre_cola
litre_cola
A pugs best friend. Wine drinker. Loves to use the letter U behind O. Iggles fan, Fulham FC supporter. Bartend as a hobby in Canadia. One of the resident futbol freaks at the clubhouse
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[…] Offseason QB Interviews! – Denver edition. – January 24, 2018 […]

King Hippo

Holy fuck, imagine if he had sugar cubes…

SonOfSpam

He’s more into Bjork’s solo stuff.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“An edible menu? Take my money RIGHT NOW!” – Andy Reid

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Say what you will about Bjork, when you get down to the last forty seconds or so of that song I don’t think there’s a single other person on the planet who can howl on pitch like she’s doing there. It’s really impressive.

ballsofsteelandfury

This may be my favorite Sugarcubes song:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is the Von Miller / DeMarcus Ware thing the new Martin Lawrence joke?

ballsofsteelandfury

You had me at Cumboy

Game Time Decision

i kept waiting for a Rex Grossman sighting to go with TS

nomonkeyfun

“cumboy”

Hey, that’s my line.

-Lisa Lampanelli

rockingdog
rockingdog

Doing tricks for treats!
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theeWeeBabySeamus

ballsofsteelandfury trying to impress some young cheerleader type girl with his ability to do a split. (Artist’s Conception)

ballsofsteelandfury

If that was the case, my balls would be up front and center on full display.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Sharkbait

If only we had the collective capital to buy the rights…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

They want more than $12?

theeWeeBabySeamus

So you’re saying Elway is the real “stable genius” around here?
(yes I still think that joke is funny)

Sharkbait

I think we need to reign in all these horse jokes.

Game Time Decision

Neigh, they bring me unbridled joy

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think we’re pretty much saddled with them for a while.

nomonkeyfun

Whoa there. If we don’t look this gift horse in the mouth, we can delude ourselves into thinking these jokes aren’t old.

theeWeeBabySeamus

All of these horse puns are beginning to make me twitch.

(if you’re not a horse person you probably won’t get that one soooo….foar reference…. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twitch_(device) )

ballsofsteelandfury

Not a horse person? How is that possible?

– Catherine from Russia

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Did somebody say horse?”

– Ryan Leaf

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Great. Now I’m hungry.”
-A. Reid

nomonkeyfun

“Whores? They’re great, but you do have to pay them. The more you know.”
comment image/revision/latest?cb=20141218011320

-Warren Sapp

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

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nomonkeyfun

(Producer sends call through to host)

“Ok, our next caller is from Boston. Caller, what do you want to talk about today?”

“Hi, yes. I actually have a question?”

“Sure go ahead, first what’s your name?”

“Uh, To—, its Tim Bradley. Yah, Tim Bradley. And my question is, do these vitamin shots work on goat fuckers, in addition to horses?”

“No, I’ve been told they only work on horses, for goat fuckers you need to get to the Greek.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I don’t care if he’s a locker room cancer, name your price.”

– John Elway, negotiating a trade to bring Eli Apple to Denver

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kind of surprised at the music choices. I would have thought that Elway would have demanded some Hall and Oates.

Senor Weaselo

Ol’ Jerral thinks Elway needs to calm down a little. He’s acting too fucking crazy.