Evil Celebrity Pickakke

This year’s Superb owl features Satan’s favorite team—the New England Patriots—playing against the Philadelphia Eagles, whose fan base happens to be her favorite. Factor in Donald Trump being president, and this year’s celebrity pickakke should be evil and bad. It’s what we deserve. . .

Hello fellow DFOers, I dipped into DFO’s Bitcoin coffers to make the trek to the woods of Sunland, California, to interview our first ever evil celebrity pickakke participant, Mark Salling. Before we begin, I. . .

/Wakezilla notices sirens flashing in the corner of his eyes and sees a coroner and decides to approach the coroner to find out what happened. Before he passes the yellow tape, an LAPD officer tries to stop Wakezilla from entering the crime scene. Luckily, Wakezilla won the LAPD equivalence of NYPD’s get out jail free card  the night before, thanks to an intense game of Go Fish. Without hesitation, the officer lets Wakezilla inside the crime scene.

Wakezilla: Hey man, who’s in the cooler? Anyone famous?

Coroner: Yeah. It’s the American guy from Glee.

Wakezilla:  The guy who played Puck? I was supposed to interview him.

/Wakezilla unzips the Dodger Blue body bag to see Salling, with a rope around his neck.

Wakezilla: Well shit, that’s a. . .

/Wakezilla puts on his neon green sun glasses

noose-ance.

I guess I’ll go get Dr. Pig Vomit’s pick, instead. You should probably take Salling away now. He’s clearly done hanging around.

*fade to black*

/Scene opens with Wakezilla at the Eaton County prison in Michigan. He sees Pig Vomit gingerly walking towards him. Pig Vomit looks rather stiff, as if something, or somethings,  has gone up his ass. Pig Vomit sits down, albeit uncomfortably.

Wakezilla: Ok, we’re here with Pig Vomit. Give us your Super Bowl pick, you fucking immature assholes, pedo.

Dr. PV: Before I begin, I just wanted to say how awful it has been here are at Eaton County Penitentiary. Everyone in there is calling me the future prison bicycle.

Wakezilla: Good. You deserve it, you piece of shit.

Dr. PV: As my lawyer stated yesterday, I’m more innocent than you think. Coolio did some of that shit.

Wakezilla: Knock it off, or do you need a more violent repeat of what happened this morning.

Dr. PV: Fine. I’m pretty torn about who will win. On the one hand, I have never been more emotionally tied to the Eagles fan base, as many have said Judge Aquilini has been a big meany to me. On the other hand, my man Alex Guerrero is living the dream.

Wakezilla: God damnit, I knew it.

Dr. PV: His snake oil skills are second to none. He’s behind the greatest quarterback of all time, giving Brady all the venom Alex’s snake can handle and everyone is essentially looking away. Like MSU and the USOC, you gotta admire an organization that turns a blind eye to unorthodox methods to achieve success. Except for Joe Paterno  Tom Izzo Bill Belichick, who must have seen something that he did not understand to kick Guerrero out of the dressing room.

It is for this reason, a team willing to do accept anything to get results, that I think the Patriots will beat the Eagles 31-28. The body whisperer has spoken.

Wakezilla: I hope you unwillingly become the body whisperer in jail. You’re pick is probably right, but go fuck yourself. I look forward to reading your obituary in about a year’s time.

Fin

 

 

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Horatio Cornblower

It’s Paczki time, motherfuckers!

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SonOfSpam

Leave it to the Polacks to forget to put holes in their doughnuts.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s good slurrin’!

SonOfSpam

I got some Tongan jokes that’ll make Romanian jokes look like Paraguayan jokes.

SonOfSpam

Congrats to Terrell Owens and Randy Moss and Brian Dawkins. And Robert Brazile. And Jerry Kramer. And CJ Beathard’s relative. And Brian “Grit” Urlacher.

That is all.

/gets stabbed
//witnesses do not come forward

Horatio Cornblower

YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I just came in from drinking with a buddy and my wife has challenged me to see who can hold plank position the longest!

Get your money ready. I’d give her the advantage, -18 seconds. Place your bets!

Looking at you Hippo.

blaxabbath

You can’t do 18 seconds?

You need to visit the body whisperer.

Horatio Cornblower

FRANCE HAS WON!! FRANCE HAS WON!!!

2:04, then she gave up.

I am in so much pain right now.

SonOfSpam

On your hands or forearms? And with or without buttplug?

ballsofsteelandfury

These are VERY important questions.

Senor Weaselo

The buttplug one is more important.

Horatio Cornblower

Forearms, hands tilted upwards for reasons I do not understand.

I will not be taking any questions on the subject of buttplugs.

SonOfSpam

Drunk planking almost always involves buttplugs. Congrats on your victory and don’t forget to sterilize it before the Super Bowl. (Assuming you watch the game like I do)

blaxabbath

Of course the Doc roots for the team that makes you wish the compromise to outlawing the Confederate Flag is to also outlaw the Stars and Stripes.

blaxabbath

Of course the Doc roots for the dude who makes out with his own son!

SonOfSpam

Former punter Jeff Feagles will take the Eagles and watch the game with his beagles while his wife does kegels (shut up it rhymes).

theeWeeBabySeamus

It all sounds very regal. But are we sure this is legal?

ballsofsteelandfury

I really like that the devil is a she.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Vladimir Putin is picking the Patriots cause he wants a new ring.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I love that tweet.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Horatio Cornblower

These guys are not impressed

http://www.crystalinks.com/barbarians.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck those guys; let’s seem them knock themselves unconscious.