AM Fútbol Open Thread with Special Guest

Editor’s Note: Three weeks ago, doorfliesopen.com parlayed a, how do you call it… Replica: exchanged an accurate replica of a Super Bowl LII media access lanyard for an interview with Quincy Jones. Attorneys for the legendary producer and arranger sent an “intent to sue” letter, to which the crack DFO visual design team made a graphic reply. Escalating displays of contempt generated mutual respect, and the interview occurred last Tuesday night. Then vulture.com scooped the salacious stuff. But we got Mr. Jones’s takes on today’s fútbol matches (or “soccer”, as Mr. Jones calls it). Here they are, with some [editing] or [clarification] for context and to save space.   

Bullshit. People talk about [fútbol] like the English game and the Spanish game are wholly different, like comparing Tin Pan Alley to Death Row [Records]. No.

La Liga : All times Central

Málaga (20th) vs. Atlético Madrid  (2nd) – 9:15 AM, BeIn Sports

What’s the worst thing that can happen to a musician? You’ll hear the usual: women, drugs and booze. I stopped drinking some years ago and I [alleged virtues of sobriety].

But no. The worst thing that can happen to a musician—to a performer, to any artist—is to let fans get in your head. You gotta do your thing. Let your vision come through. Atleti’s Antoine Griezman gets whistled at home for pulling back on a counter in injury time last Sunday, and he shows up the fans. Kid’s an Aries *shrugs*

In sweeter times, via giphy.com

Leganés (12 th) vs. Eibar (7th) – 11:30 AM, BeIn Sports

What about you? You grin like a Cancer. No. Don’t tell me. Leganés… How’s this: second year in La Liga, lucky to survive relegation last year. Now they’re 11 points clear, solid in mid table and can tie Eibar with a win. Back when Franco was dying I went to Madrid with Herbie [Hancock] to record with Paco de Lucía. We’re walking towards the studio, and there’s Richard Feynman, just walking towards us. Herbie yells out “Hey it’s Bongo Dick!” because [story about the Manhattan Project employing members of the Duke Ellington Orchestra].

Real Madrid (?4TH!?) vs. Real Sociedad (14th) – 1:45 PM, BeIn Sports

This is not the sort of thing I want to get out there published for everyone to read before my biography comes out. But Real Madrid is fucked: 19 points behind Barcelona and only six points clear for playing in Europe next year. The only trophy they can get this season is the Champions League, but the play upfront has been more jumbled  than Michael’s third nose.

 

English Premier League – All Times Central

Tottenham Hotspur (5th) vs. Arsenal (per tradition, 6th) – 6:30 AM

* Laughs * Too early for [fútbol] man.

 

Everton (10th) vs. Crystal Palace (14th) –  9:00 AM

Back when we were recording Thriller, I took Eddie Van Halen to Tommy Iommi’s cabin for lasagna. He was stingy with the sauce, but [meal and narcotics review].

 

Swansea City (17th!) vs. Burnley (An Entrenched In Mid Table 7th) –  9:00 AM

Tom Jones. Damn. Great singer, world class crotch.

Via dailymail.com

Stoke City (18th) vs. Brighton and Hove Albion (13th) –  9:00 AM

It’s crazy that any [fútbol] club from 7th on down could face relegation this season. Not that you could tell many of them apart. Like pop music. Interchangeable, basic, very little reward. Just so we’re clear because I tell the truth: that was shade towards Le Click. Call me when you’re dead.

 

West Ham (Soft 12th) vs. Watford (11th) –  9:00 AM

Nobody would watch this. Don’t ask me about this, you cock[fútbol].

 

Manchester City (1st By a Mile) vs. Leicester City (Stuck Comfortably in 8th) 11:30 AM , NBC

Sometimes you got to finish a job first before going to more interesting projects. Guardiola has kept the team motivated in Barcelona and Bayern winning leagues and reaching Champions League—Scorpio. That’s what you are. Asshole.

 

************BONUS COVERAGE*************

College Basketball, U*NC @ NC State – 12:00 M Central

May U*NC get fucked, now and forever, go Wolfpack

S/O to SonOfSpam for linking the interview. It’s uh, something. Banner via Getty Images.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

In “I’ve Said It Before, I’ll Say It Again News”-

The last 45 minutes of “Predator” is extraordinary film-making.

/kudos to you-director that I won’t bother to google!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too bad about most of the script and lead…..

*Unless viewed as a comedy.

scotchnaut

You just posted a gif of an owl perched on a toy train. Your onion is invalid!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That makes it opinion FACT.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m probably in the minority; most people view Auwnoald as a great thespian and orator.

scotchnaut

Arnold is trying to destroy this god-awful creature RIGHT NOW!! Why are you messing with me?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Next time just think of the mouth as a vagina.

scotchnaut

I never figured you as a Republican

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Vagina Dentata; get it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If it bleeds, we can kill it.
(Also applicable to Moose’s vagina joke, btw.)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

HippoCash!!!!!!

King Hippo

WHEW. I quit watching, and tried not to check the score. FUUUUUCCCCCK did I need that! Thank you, Lord GAMBLOR!

theeWeeBabySeamus

They tried to fuck it up at the end by celebrating too early and not defending the desperation 3 by WVU. But Dude missed it anyway. You’re good.

King Hippo

By the way, I did break down and pay 20 quid for S1 of Atlanta on Amazon, and it was well-worth it. Fan-fucking-tastic. All in for S2.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought it was on hulu

King Hippo

probably is, but I only pay for Netflix and Amazon Prime. So was easier just to one-time buy on Amazon as opposed to paying for another service. I will keep up on f/x going forwards.

yeah right

Good to know. If you have Amazon Prime you should watch The Big Sick. It’s really worth the time. Also has one of the best punch lines I’ve heard in awhile.

King Hippo

I shall put on my list!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So $27.66?

King Hippo

Hey man, Lesser Footy thread, we use proper vernacular

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If you mean 20USD then it isn’t. 14.46 GBP

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Today anyway.

King Hippo

I am a liberal you can’t expect me to understand how money works. I just spends it.

King Hippo

NC State is ahead 2-nil. I move to close the proceedings.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nice work, DonT. That made more sense to me than most soccer posts.

yeah right

I was browsing for a local butcher shop, I’m looking for a specialty meat item for various reasons, and found a nearby meat store in Manhattan Beach. On the Google search page there was a section for questions directed to the business.

The only question was “Do have turkey chops?”

Now I don’t want to leave the house.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is that for Kung-Fu turkey?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Related…

Asking a girl if she’s “looking foar a specialty meat item” is not a good pick up line.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

I had to be a little vague for Sunday Gravy reasons. I’m going to end up going to Whole Foods and spending 90 bucks a pound I just fucking know it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I didn’t know they carried cheap caviar.

yeah right

It’s Hormel caviar.

King Hippo

rage, rage, and MOAR RAGE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

+2 for the tits. -1 for the vacant “Real Doll” stare

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And the lip thing, but Hippo; you know.

Also; it could be the nachos acting up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She looked fine before she bought the tits IMHO.
Win PMOY, then decide it’s time to start fucking around with your looks. So apparently she also stupid and cray cray.

Again I say….so sad.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why isn’t the real doll stare a plus?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well she’s kinda fucked up looking now.
So sad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You need to move to the country and relax. To that end, I’ve got just the place for you. You can pick it up foar a song. It’s a shithole, but it’s got potential and is isolated from the world.

(I’ve decided to go ahead and sell RG’s house…is my point. You should buy it.)

King Hippo

Johnny Cakes on their way to 3rd win in a row. Just Marquette this time, but still.

scotchnaut

#pullingformullin

I’ve so much respect for a physically talent-less white guy that worked far beyond his talent and ended up succeeding.

King Hippo

Pokes just playing with Hippo’s fee-fees now. It mean.

scotchnaut

Jordan Peterson is the latest cock of the walk. That said, I’m sorta curious about his “Hitler was far more evil than you think” logic. What say you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMqQBLZwRIE

King Hippo

did he brush his teeth in the office shitter?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Red wine with fish?

yeah right

Drank milk straight out of the carton and put the empty back in the fridge?

scotchnaut

“Washed his car on a Thursday rather than on a Sunday?”

-Resident of Zurich

King Hippo

They should construct some kind of camp FOAR ppl like that imo godbless

yeah right

Disabled the smoke detector in the airplane lavatory?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Didn’t twist tie the Cheetos bag, just left it fucking open, people.

King Hippo

maybe guard #2 on the dribble drive. Dickasses,

King Hippo

This…is the day when everything goes awry

theeWeeBabySeamus

Why, what did you do now?

/prepares survival bunker for immediate habitation just in case

King Hippo

just bad GAMBLOR, no fallout FOAR greater humanity

(Pokes +600 ML was key)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ahhh, gotcha. I’ve steered clear of action the past coupla days. Not enough sleep and too much alkyhawl to soundly assess.

Then again, I could probably just throw darts at the picks and do as well as I have lately anyway so it ain’t make no matter.

King Hippo

I felt sooooooo good re this slate

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pokes still in it. But they gon’ need to defend better than that.
Jesuschristinasidecar.

Should be making WCS happy at least.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

[swipes left]

-Everyone, and all of their descendants

theeWeeBabySeamus

Have you ever not slept for an extended period, during which you drank a lot, and then finally slept a couple of hours, but then when you wake up you can’t tell if you just didn’t sleep enough or if you’re still just drunk?

Yeah, me neither.

/falls off chair

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

By “ever” do you mean “this week”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“This is not a depiction of a Mexican wrestler rescuing a busty heroine from a large octopus-like creature. Hell, it’s not even a pipe!”

-Rene Magritte

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“There is around fourteen fetishes in this depiction.”

-Balls

ballsofsteelandfury

This should be painted in velvet and hanging on my wall.

Fronkenshteen

Vardy!!

herodotus450

When did Man City hire Jacques Lemaire and Lou Lamoriello to design their play style?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rinse and repeat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Who else slept, off and on, for over 12 hours?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Donald Trump.

Unsurprised

Someone give him some more melatonin!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[“accidentally” administers melanin] – Dr. Ronny Jackson

[becomes “Soul President”] – President Daughterfucker

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Orange to brown.

King Hippo

ugh, Fulham

litre_cola

I dont even want to talk about it. I am furious

King Hippo

guess this is gonna be my GAMBLOR day, sorry for dragging the good Cottagers into it (will not repeat the error)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

At least sunderland and norwich showed up in the 2nd half. Thank jeebus.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yes, full ham please.”

– Andy Reid

litre_cola

Hippo, can Everton still get in to the Europa league if a prem side wins the champions league?

King Hippo

No idea. But Everton won’t finish anywhere in Top 8

scotchnaut

/I was reminded recently that this woman went off to the Great Shrubbery In The Sky awhile ago

I was buddies with two kids 5 houses away (their last name was Fearn) as I was growing up and spent a lot of time at their house. So much so that one of the boys took me aside one day-

Buddy: “My mom doesn’t want you to call her Mrs. Fearn anymore. She just wants you to call her Fern.”

Me: “Fearn? I can’t call her by her last name. That’s rude!”

Buddy: “No that’s her first name. Fern.”

Me: [tumblers begin clicking into place] “Fearn? Fearn? You mom’s name is FEARN FEARN! BAAAHHHAAAAWAAA!!!”

/he didn’t talk to me for a weeek
//look, I was 8 years old at the time. That’s comedy gold right there

litre_cola

You would think that she would have kept her maiden name.

herodotus450

I once knew a man named Sleiman S. Sleiman. Never found out what the “S” stood for though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sly”, probably.

King Hippo

Stoke are going down, y’all. Thank God.

Horatio Cornblower

cock[futbol] is my new go-to insult

King Hippo

why haven’t you Whites gotten a 2nd, Litre?

litre_cola

Because they are playing in a swamp in Bolton. I expect 1 more for sure. Bolton has now decided to dirty tackle the Cottagers to slow them down. Typical.

herodotus450

-Aaron Burr’s dreaming slave

Brick Meathook

If we still had the technological ability to “like” an article, then I would award this article a “like” through those means.

herodotus450

Just make a comment that says “This is Great.” I’m still keeping track of them.

litre_cola

GOOOOAALLLL teh mighty Fulham. There you go Hippo

King Hippo

I likes moneys!

King Hippo

/still hasn’t shown up on Gamecast

litre_cola

livescore.com

scotchnaut

More moist Englishmen running around in circles? Yes please!

litre_cola

Ha! Englishmen. Are you watching the 3rd division?

scotchnaut

Ha! Who do you think I am, [runs back to Wiki] Lucian K. Truscott, Jr, the leader of the 3rd Infantry Division from March ’43 to Feb. ’44? I think not, sir!

King Hippo

Things that would make Hippo GAMBLOR very, very happy. Okie State win, VPI win, Man City loss/draw, Xavier win, Fulham win, Georgetown win, Stormin’ Mormon loss.

I appreciate Rhode Island’s curb stomping cover last night giving me a little extra scratch to play around with today. Feeling good. Angry the line isn’t MOAR than 3 in East Lansing, wanted to bet on Purdue ML but that’s not value.

litre_cola

Teh mighty Fulham win would have me through the moon

King Hippo

It’s the 2nd week of February and NBC is already starting to feature relegation scrap fixtures. Even dreadful ones like Stoke/Brighton & Hove.

scotchnaut

[eagerly waits for collage basketball to begin]

-Romare Bearden

ballsofsteelandfury

Bongo Dick is awesome.

herodotus450

4 stoppage minutes!? That’s the biggest travesty since the government of Pitt the Elder.

scotchnaut

Your comment is just begging me to go down a Pitt the Elder Wiki rabbit hole. For that reason I can’t give this a thumb’s up.

Senor Weaselo

LORD PALMERSTON!

herodotus450

Seems like the powers that be looked and soccer and realized the can’t make the game itself more complicated, so they thought, fuck it, let’s add all sorts of side leagues and cups and tables and such to make it more interesting.

scotchnaut

Hey goalie with the headgear, this is football in the 2000 teens, not football in the 1930’s. Who do you think you are, Don Hutson?

herodotus450

Some John Madden-esque analysis from Pilkington-lite: “Well Arsenal need to score a goal to get back in this.”

herodotus450

One of these soccer talking guys sounds a lot like Karl Pilkington

King Hippo

speaking of, he making anything new?

herodotus450

Not sure, I listened to this the other day and sent me down the rabbit hole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz0DKtWl-Eo&t=16s

herodotus450

Apparently he has a tv (or “telly”) show coming out this year, looks like a sitcom

King Hippo

I can’t see him acting. That’s mental, it is.

But “An Idiot Abroad” remains maybe the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Fronkenshteen

He was actually very good as Dougie in the first season of Gervais’ show “Derek”. Worth a watch.

scotchnaut

Just saw a replay of the header that resulted in a goal. Apparently, white guys can jump.

King Hippo

I was a late believer (in his being better than Big Rom. at least) but he’s pretty fucking special.

scotchnaut

What’s a Hotspur and where can I get some?

“This guy can put it on a sixpence.” Priceless.

scotchnaut

Folks that ain’t talk like us ‘er funny.

herodotus450

If I ever own a sprots team I’m just going to get all players named “Kane.” We’ll be unstoppable.

herodotus450

I’m drinking tea while watching a soccer game in England where it’s raining. Watch out central Africa, I’m feeling positively imperialistic!

King Hippo

You turned into Toto so gradual-like, we barely even noticed ,, smh

King Hippo

What if two sides held a North London Derby, and nothing fookin’ happened?

King Hippo

You can get +600 ML odds on BDSM State and VPI today. I ain’t sayin,’ I’m just sayin’…

litre_cola

There is a school for rough sex?

King Hippo

sure, down Stillwater way. You seen ’em paddlin’ away

litre_cola

Like clockwork Oxipug woke up decilitre with his cough so I am watching the early game.

scotchnaut

I took a Buzzfeed quiz yesterday. Based on my answers I’m apparently a Spanish teenager falling in love with his same sex tutor in Madrid under the Franco regime. Also, I should be reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.

/Stupid quiz. I’ve already read that book.

theeWeeBabySeamus

College Basketball, U*NC @ NC State – 12:00 M Central

May U*NC get fucked, now and forever, go Wolfpack

See? Now this is why I want to be gay with DonT. He gets it.
Sadly, I don’t expect it to turn in the Wuffies favor today. We’ve had our moments this year. The implosion is imminent methinks.

Even still….
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6azSHCHwPc

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, I’m watching early morning Civil War Docs after drinking heavily, but not sleeping at all last night.

I think I want some Brandy.
(fuck…I’m old)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVx8L7a3MuE

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, I don’t REALLY want to be gay with DonT.
As far as you know.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, I’m drunk-ish.

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