Champions League Lesser Footy: Hump Day Edition Roundtable

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Listen to her “singing” here. I can’t imagine how she could have butchered the National Anthem

We have a special edition of Champions League lesser footy today. England’s lesser footy equivalent of the P*triots, Manchester United, play Sevilla. Oh, there’s so many reasons to hate these crumpet eating wankers.

First, Manchester United winning made the EPL seem shady because of a pillock named David Gill. This chav simultaneously served on the boards of Manchester United and the FA–as well as serving on UEFA’s executive committee from the early 00’s until Fergie left. During the time Gormless Gill served on all three boards, ManU won six league titles, one FA Cup, three Football League cups, six community shields and a Champions league. Normally, I’d make a sarcastic joke about the officials being in the back pocket of a team, but, there were so many clear and consistent patterns that had emerged over the years, it’s an actual fact.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A great coach with a reputation to intimidate officials resulted in a dynastic team to get all the calls in their favour. But it goes even further than this. During Ferguson’s tenure, refs were legitimately terrified to have their ability or fitness questioned by Ferguson in the newspapers. To put things in perspective, ManU averaged 7 penalty kicks per season during Ferguson’s last seven years, while the Premier league average last year was 3.9 penalties. Then there were the bajillion offside calls that benefited them. Then there’s this bullshit call. See what I mean?

Here’s Turd Ferguson gloating how he can intimidate refs into ‘Fergie Time.’ If any other manager were to do this, he’d be an immoral piece of shit who was cheating. But Fergie? It’s “endearing.”

Speaking of similarities to the P*triots, another reason I can`t stand these tossers is because their fans have a vague concept that their team should play the `United Way.`  Yes, the United Way is a concept where the team should play physical, have intelligence (swapping positions is expected) and be deceptively fast, while giving it 100% for the fans who are all totally working class. *Burps*

To the games! But first, please rise for the greatest national anthem of all time.

Here’s a solution for the NFL: Just create a national anthem like this and replace it as the song everyone has to listen to before the game. Or just use “Are you Ready for Football?” and have it be performed by Beyoncé 

Manchester United vs Sevilla

Balls: For some insane reason,  English teams seem to be doing pretty well in the Champions League this year. Is it the influence of Pep and Mourinho bringing a little Latin flavor to the cold wintry Anglo-Saxon mix?

Quién sabe? What I do know is that United have managed to squirt their way to second on the table and are playing well.  Sevilla is 5th in La Liga but so far behind Barcelona and Atlético they might as well be playing in Segunda.

What does it all mean? It’s a jump in class too much for the Spaniards to overcome. They may keep it close for a half,  but won’t be able to hold off the offensive onslaught.

PREDICTION: Since the game is in England,  I’m going to call it United 3 Sevilla 0.

King HippoI am ok with Spurs and the Blue Mancs doing well in Euro Lesser Footy, am not fookin’ ok with the evil red arsehole sides doing so.  Sadly, as a Bitter Blue I know all to well how many weak points one Romelu Lukaku will cover up.  He’ll score a crucial goal here, but the defensing unit still needs sorting out.  And Pogba’s a right bell end.

PREDICTION: Lame-ass 1-1 Draw

Litre_Cola: Oh I detest United and their fans globally. They are absolutely the worst supporters on the planet. I am so happy that Zlatan is gone because he is an interesting  person and I couldn’t root for him in that kit. Lukaku the beast and the other Belgian Fellaini are world class but just have never been able to put it together for their national side. Sevilla is a fun town, except for the bullfighting. I was a backpacker and not told about the killing, it was quite shocking to say the least. Sevilla is still alive in the competition so much respect to them and they have Nolito and Jesus Navas who is quite good but that is about it.

PREDICTION: 1-1 with Lukaku getting the equalizer to make Hippo cry.

Wakezilla: ManU is going through a rocky patch–they have lost to Hot Sperms and Newcastle at home– and Pogba and Mourinho have been caught arguing with each other. That’s great! Unfortunately, Sevilla gives up too many goals and one defender, Jesús Navas, will be playing at right-back and Mercado, their regular right-back, will be centre-back. That`s bad news, which means:

United will get over the hump and will win 2-1.

–Shakhtar Donestsk v Roma–

I have literally never heard of Shakhtar Donestsk before finding out they were playing today. Off the top of my head, I`m guessing this is a team from the Ukraine or Kazakhstan and owned by a Russian oligarch in order to make money laundering easier. (Edit: It’s a Ukrainian side and it’s owned by a Ukrainian Oligarch who wants to separate from the Ukraine and join Russia. I was close!)

As for Roma, when I did my research in the middle east, one of my roommates had played in their academy and was friends with Francesco Totti. We had fun getting hammered and watching Roma play. As a result, I still follow them. Currently, Roma’s defense and midfield aren’t very good and Dzeko doesn’t score many goals these days.

For better analysis, I loaded up my FIFA 18 game on my PS4 and played as Shakhtar Donestsk. As you can tell from the lovely lady in the featured image, their kits are pretty cool looking. Their striker Taison is pretty good (to play as). That means he has to be good in real life, right? Right? (FIFA 15 God Emmanuel Emenike nods his head in agreement). Outside of Fred, their midfield and defense didn’t seem all that special, just very Brazilian.


PREDICTION: Both teams would likely by happy with a 0-0 draw. But that`s boring. So we`ll say Roma wins 2-1.

King Hippo: Back East, in what is the modern day Wild, Wild West (beautiful ladies, drunken, wantonly violent menfolk) you have a thoroughly uninteresting footy match outside of the possible crowd antics.  Roma is boring as fuck, and every Ukrainian side I have ever watched play has one really good forward (which Roma will no doubt successfully neutralize).

PREDICTION: Lame-ass nil-nil Draw, at least 2 crowd-induced stoppages of play

Litre_Cola:Ukrainian side versus Roma, this is going to be boring as hell. Dzeko is getting on in years and that is about it. They will suffocate whatever Ukrainian/Brazilian combo Shaktar will throw at them. Fred still plays there! Read this if you want to see why so many Brazilians play there, it is very interesting. Can we agree that the loyalty that Totti had was fantastic? Born in Roma, hated Lazio growing up, captained Roma, hated Lazio more, didn’t leave, still hates Lazio.

передбачення : 2-1 to the BrazUkranianans! 

Balls: As for the Donetsk match,  are they actually planning to play it in Ukraine? I remember when Russia took over Crimea and crazy people thought they were going to invade Ukraine that the Ukrainian teams were forced to either play their games elsewhere or behind closed doors.

Well,  it turns out Putin really only wanted Crimea, Ukrainian women are still spectacular,

and Shahktar continues to be Ukraine’s best team.

Roma , on the other hand,  have always kinda been on the fringe of Serie A success yet never really quite get there.  For a team from the capital,  that really tells you a lot about Italian politics and culture.

This year is no exception.  Roma are 3rd, 15 points behind Napoli and 14 behind Juventus. See what I mean?

PREDICTION: The game is in Ukraine, so I’m going to go with the home team in a tight game where the winning goal gets scored in the waning minutes.  Call it 1-0 Shahktar Donetsk.

Enjoy the games!

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Litre_cola with the correct score!


Hooray! Fucking referees in Bristol City fucked teh mighty Fulham. But that is not as important as huge money champions tourney.


Watching Mango Mussolini listening to people in a town hall setting talk about guns; he is looking serious and respectful, but I wonder what’s running through his head. Is it circus music or visions of his daughter in lingerie?

Senor Weaselo



FOOTY! Oh, wait, it’s more soccer.

/sad trombone

comment image

Honestly, I only enjoy the women’s lesser footy – probably because OrangeJello and TangerineJello played the sport as wee lassies.

Men’s lesser footy can go cuck itself.

King Hippo

Sevilla is like that Price is Right contestant who gets all 5 Plinko chips, and walks away with $100.

King Hippo

Ukraine not weak?

King Hippo

HOW did De Gea get that one??

King Hippo

MOAR good news for Litre – Derby is down 1-nil!

/with Everton in a coma, I have become friendly to the White cause ,, no ofence

King Hippo



Yessir. Refs fucked us. 2 days of me being in meetings. Brutal.

King Hippo

Pogba and pompous ass Mourinho, could Lesser Footy have two bigger drama queens Under One Roof?