2018 NFL Free Agent Round-Up

Banner image via Kingman County News

Folks we are less than two weeks from the start of Free Agency, and while the NFL doesn’t have a “hot stove”, it most certainly has a hot cauldron of lust.  Or something.

Errybody‘s got lists of top NFL free agents, but as our own yeahright has already demonstrated, none of those people know shit.  The real experts are here, sitting in the DFO clubhouse with no pants on, getting black out drunk, and mining #content for you to have posts on which to make dick jokes.

But we’re not even going to poll those insiders for this post.  No, that would be too easy. I had a vision. A man appeared on a flaming pie and said “don’t burn your mouth by eating foods that are on fire.” And that made sense. So I sat down and let the pie cool, chased off the man using pastries as transport, and then wrote down where the key free agents would land based on pie-fueled insight.  And now I share that insight with you. In a Free Agent Round Up!

Dammit, not that kind of Round up

I’m anchoring on SB Nation’s list, largely because they’re not dumb enough to think Kirk Cousins is more valuable than Le’Veon Bell.  Oh, and you’ll note that not unlike ranking Bears, I’m taking creative license to skip around, leaving holes in this list.  I shall call them pieholes.  Shut up.  INSIGHT A-COMING!

NFL FREE AGENTS AND TRADE TARGETS WHERE WILL THEY GO WILL THEY GO PLACES LET’S FIND OUT

No. Player Position 2017 team 2018 team
1 Le’Veon Bell RB Steelers  THE BEN NEED HIS BEST
TEAMMATE SO THE BAD
GUYS DON’T GANG UP ON
HIM LIKE A CHICK IN A
BAR RESTROOM
2 Demarcus Lawrence DE Cowboys  WOOO-HOOO I AM
FUCKING PAYING THIS
GUY MORE MONEY THAN
A SAIGON WHORE WHO
DOESN’T BITE OFF NOSES
3 Drew Brees QB Saints  Lo, He shall sacrifice his salary
in order to suffer another season
toiling in despair aka New Orleans
4 Andrew Norwell OG Panthers Who knows, maybe Cincinnati
if Mike Brown can find his wallet?
5 Kirk Cousins QB Washington  SKOL!
6 Jarvis Landry WR Dolphins Ooooh, franchise tagged, so not
going anywhere.  Unless he is.
Because LOLfins.
7 Ezekiel Ansah DE Lions  Bible camp flag football team.
Because that’s not a real name.
Ezekial Ansah? No, sir.
8 Lamarcus Joyner S Rams  RAMMIT!  Because the best way to
convince someone to re-sign with
the home team is to threaten them
with Cleveland.
9 Dion Lewis RB Patriots  Zero chance he stays with the Pats.
No hometown discount, so no deal 
for a veteran RB.  I say he goes to SF
just to keep fucking with TB12.
10 Jimmy Graham TE Seahawks  He gone, too.  I’ll say Baltimore to
continue the legacy of signing dominant
TEs when they’re old.
11 Star Lotulelei DT Panthers  I take back everything I said about
Ezekial Ansah.
12 E.J. Gaines CB Bills  In a case of mistaken identity, the Bills
think they’re parting ways with E.J
Manuel. Hilariously, that’s also why
the Browns will sign him.
13 Nate Solder OT Patriots  If there’s one area the Pats have been
willing to pay for, it’s the O-Line.  Except
when they haven’t.  More importantly,
Solder already lost a nut, so he’s not that
big a threat to the owner’s incremental
parental obligations.
14 Trumaine Johnson CB Rams  If I’m wrong about Joyner, then Johnson stays
in St. Louis Los Angeles.  As an optimist, I
say he ends up in Chicago shoring up the
Bears’ secondary.
15 Allen Robinson WR Jaguars  The Bears are also rumored to be targeting
Robinson. I think it’s more likely they land
Paul Richardson, and I think the Jags re-sign
Robinson to give the Bort some continuity.
16 Sheldon Richardson DT Seahawks  No one overpays for defensive linemen like
Dan Snyder[REDACTEDs] sign him.
17 Case Keenum QB Vikings  Oh, man, I for sure thought he was coming back
to hotdish country, but now I think he is rife for
the picking with the very public courting of
Kurt Kirk Cousins. Keenum isn’t old enough to 
retire to Arizona, but let’s say he goes to the
Cardinals.  Just to piss off Blax.
18 Sammy Watkins WR Rams  I think the Rams would love to keep him but
end up letting him walk. Maybe they end up
slapping the franchise tag on him, but I’ll
baselessly speculate that he ends up in
Detroit helping Matt Patricia waste Fat
Stafford’s remaining prime years.
19 AJ McCarron QB Bengals  Remember when the Browns fucked up 
trading for McCarron?  So Brownsy. Also
Brownsy? Overpaying for that same player
they failed to land a few months ago.  So let
it be written, so let it be done.
20 Trey Burton TE Eagles The Eagles may need to pay to keep Wentz and
Foles on the roster, but they’re not going to overpay
for the other guy that threw a TD pass in their SB LII
win? Massholes think he’s going to NE, but
I don’t think Gronk is retiring yet nor wants a
non-murdery platoon partner. I say Shad Khan 
opens up his wallet trying to give Bortles the tools
to get over the hump. Burton to the JAGURAS!
21 Avery Williamson LB Titans  Ohmygodthislistissolongidontwantogoogleallthesepeople
22 Demario Davis LB Jets Fuck it, skipping ahead to the fun ones…
23 Adrian Clayborn DE Falcons
24 Aaron Colvin CB Jaguars
25 Bashaud Breeland CB Washington
26 Sam Bradford QB Vikings Denver?  Cleveland?  Who wants to overpay for 3-7 games
of Sam Bradford? Step right up!
27 Tyvon Branch S Cardinals
28 Rashaan Melvin CB Colts
29 Kyle Fuller CB Bears  GO BEARS!  Kyle Fuller had a baller year.  The Bears still
need help in the secondary.  So I think they fuck it up, let
him walk, and then they overpay for others. Fuller then
ends up in Oakland.  He deserves happiness.
30 NaVorro Bowman LB Raiders He’s still in the league? I thought he retired with the rest of
the Niners linebackers a few years ago.
31 Weston Richburg C Giants
32 Patrick Robinson CB Eagles
33 Alex Okafor DE Saints  New Orleans
34 Teddy Bridgewater QB Vikings  This man also deserves happiness. But he won’t get it.
So he’ll probably end up stuck in Minnesota backing
up Kirk Cousins and then being used as trade bait.
35 Morgan Burnett S Packers
36 Tyler Eifert TE Bengals  Still funny-ish.
37 Eric Reid S 49ers
38 Dontari Poe DT Falcons
39 Ryan Jensen C Ravens
40 Paul Richardson WR Seahawks  Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears.
Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears.
Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears.
Please come to the Bears. Please come to the Bears.
41 Nigel Bradham LB Eagles
42 Zach Brown LB Washington  Next stop: Houston
43 Malcolm Butler CB Patriots  Obviously zero chance he’s back in New England.
Let’s go with the Saints since they need some bolstering
44 Bennie Logan DT Chiefs
45 Justin Pugh OG Giants
46 Nickell Robey-Coleman CB Rams
47 David Irving DT Cowboys
48 Carlos Hyde RB 49ers  NOT ON MY FANTASY TEAM AFTER THE WAY HE’S
FUCKED ME THE LAST FEW YEARS, I CAN TELL
YOU THAT MUCH
49 Anthony Hitchens LB Cowboys
50 Austin Seferian-Jenkins TE Jets
51 Josh Gordon WR Browns Got royally fucked, is staying in Cleveland.
52 Marqise Lee WR Jaguars  Speaking of, there are rumors he’s going to 
Cleveland, which is worse than digging up
your dead brother.
53 Josh Kline OG Titans
54 Cameron Brate TE Buccaneers
55 Terrelle Pryor WR Washington Think he’d go back to Cleveland, too?  BAHAHAHHAAHA
56 Tre Boston S Chargers
57 Jerick McKinnon RB Vikings
58 Kenny Vaccaro S Saints
59 Morris Claiborne CB Jets
60 Danny Amendola WR Patriots
61 Jack Mewhort OG Colts
62 Jordan Matthews WR Bills
63 Tahir Whitehead LB Lions
64 Justin Bethel CB Cardinals
65 Mike Wallace WR Ravens
66 Shaquil Barrett DE Broncos
67 Vontae Davis CB Free agent Already signed with the Bills.  So you know he
makes bad choices.
68 Prince Amukamara CB Bears Please don’t come back to the Bears.
Please don’t come back to the Bears.
Please don’t come back to the Bears.
Please don’t come back to the Bears.
69 Haloti Ngata DT Lions  How much room is left in Dan Snyder’s budget
for fat assholes?
70 Steven Terrell S Chiefs
71 Josh Sitton OG Bears  Smart move is for the Bears to re-sign him to
an incentive-laden deal. So he’ll end up in 
Detroit.
72 Rex Burkhead RB Patriots  Wherever he ends up, he deserves
to be feted as a hero.
73 Josh McCown QB Jets
74 Ricardo Allen S Falcons
75 DaQuan Jones DT Titans
76 Geno Smith QB Giants  Off the edge of the earth.
77 Brent Grimes CB Buccaneers
78 Aaron Lynch DE 49ers
79 LeGarrette Blount RB Eagles
80 Donte Moncrief WR Colts
81 Tramon Williams CB Cardinals
82 Connor Barwin LB Rams
83 Dion Jordan DE Seahawks
84 Matt Paradis C Broncos
85 Chris Baker DT Buccaneers
86 Eric Decker WR Titans  Probably just re-signs in Tennessee because it’s
unclear they actually want to win.  Sorry, DonT.
87 Junior Galette DE Washington
88 Zach Line FB Saints
89 Frank Gore RB Colts  Looks like someone is…
/puts on sunglasses
getting off the gravy train
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHGore in Baltimore sounds about right. And not just when
Rays Rice and Lewis are around. :rimshot:
90 Kony Ealy DE Jets
91 Lamarr Houston LB Bears
92 Chris Hubbard OT Steelers
93 Brian Cushing LB Texans  If there’s a guy who is a perfect mark candidate
for the TB12 “health program,” it’s this fucking guy
94 Julius Peppers DE Panthers  HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE MAN YO-YO
BETWEEN TEAMS? Let’s say he ends up back
in Green Bay for shits and giggles
95 Doug Martin RB Buccaneers  Cleveland.  Can’t get any lower than that, my man.
96 Isaiah Crowell RB Browns
97 Wesley Johnson C Jets
98 Trent Murphy DE Washington
99 Tavon Wilson S Lions
100 Orleans Darkwa RB Giants

 

Aaaaaand I’m spent.  Feel free to share actual insight in the comments, but from this post alone, I am now more qualified than Mike Brown to make NFL personnel decisions.  GET TO THE GAMES MORE QUICKLY, FOOLS!

 

 

 

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighKing HippoSonOfSpamFronkenshteenballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A few of these would look good in the Donks uniforms, but alas…….

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nate may have lost a nut, but I just busted one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Offensive players I’d like to see in a better situation:
20) Allen Robinson
50) ASJ
51) Josh Gordon
57) Jerick McKinnon
80) Donte Moncrief

King Hippo

especially like that McKinnon shout. He could be a star in the right place.

SonOfSpam

Good work on this. I really hope the Browns get a McCarron/McCown QB timeshare. That, and for Jared Kushner to share a cell with Jared Fogle. SYNERGY.

Fronkenshteen
SonOfSpam

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ballsofsteelandfury

What the fuck is a Chris Hubbard?

King Hippo

Fuck, I hope you are right on QBs, up to Teddy Ballgame, I want him in Donks’ mango and orange. Not sexually.

/ok, maybe a little bit sexually

This was also very informative whilst also being entertaining and hilarious. Two thumbs up!