^{Photo Credit: NBC Sports}

As our own Mr. Weasel pointed out last night, Jon Gruden cut* Raiders punter Marquette King for either a desire to avoid personal foul penalties (a category the Raiders tend to finish high in no matter who their punter is), to send a message that showboating (or lots of social media usage or mocking jewelry ripping antics off of teammates) won’t be tolerated, to save $2.9 million in salary cap room, or to very backwardly commemorate the 50th anniversary of the assassination of a much more famous King (h/t to Spam for that one).

_{*And by “Jon Gruden cut” we mean “Jon Gruden had Reggie McKenzie do the cutting because Jon Gruden is a fake tough guy.”}

Seems like Gruden is living up to his reputation as a no-nonsense coach, and word is leaking from Raiders-land that there are other likely grounds for dismissal for the team, including:

• Failing to concuss at least one opposing player during a rivalry game
• Publicly supporting any cause that might piss off a generic white guy from Philadelphia
• Eating an actual Gruden grinder without prior written approval/determination of having earned one from the Coach
• Wearing jewelry that you haven’t ripped off of an opposing player’s neck
• Acting all goth and shit
• Avoiding full contact during walk-through drills
• Criticizing the Spanos’ family’s decision to relocate from San Diego
• Failing to force small children into youth football leagues
• Eating Chinese food at non-P.F. Chang’s restaurant locations
• Being “uppity” [only applies to a certain subset of players]
• Non-sanctioned team haircuts

We’ll keep you posted as additional infractions become known, likely through sleuth reporting from the DFO clubhouse without getting off of our asses/putting down our beers.