FIFA Rank: 14th. So, right of the bat here, a country you may have mocked as even having a national soccer team is actually better globally than the Jets/Browns/Colts/Cardinals/Bears/Bucs/49ers are in the NFL.
World Cup Group: G (along with England, Belgium, and Panama).
Hey, How’d They Get Here?: Direct from the FIFA World Cup TrumpRussia team page, “Tunisia booked their return to the FIFA World Cup after a 12-year absence, topping Africa Group A, to head to their fifth edition of the tournament.” That’s how you write a informative and succinct statement, [DFO] interns.
Hey, How Are The Tunsians At This World Cup Thing?: In four World Cup appearances, Tunisia has never advanced out of the group stage. As a sports/fart/dickjoke/tits site, one might expect our writers to bag on Tunisia for these stats. Fortunately, this writer understands that his team is the United States and, since I’m not in Bristol, I know I haven’t a leg to stand on ripping on the 14th ranked team in the world heading into the tournament while team USA watches from…well, I don’t know where they are but I’ll tell you where they should be — out fucking folding laundry for USWNT and scrubbing the jock straps for USA Basketball.
What Players Should I Look For?: Per the BBC, Wahbi Khazri, Mohamed Amine Ben Amor, Ali Maaloul and Naim Sliti are a “star quartet” which sounds pretty good. Now I may need some backup from some of you who follow the Saturday morning threads around here, but I understand a few Tunisia players are in the French and English top leagues while the rest make their scratch in the rough and tumble leagues of France’s lower divisions as well as Turkey, Saudi Arabia, and Egypt.
Any Cool Nicknames?: The Eagles of Carthage. Eh, it’s been done but at least this one is specific.
How Are The Fans?:
How Are The Tunisians Going To Do?: Tunisia reached the World Cup by conceding just four goals in an undefeated run against Congo, Libya and Guinea. Unfortunately, they are not playing in Russia against shithole countries and, instead, look unlikely to advance in a group with the #3 team (Belgium) and an experienced England (#13 ranked) side. Then again, Tunisia does open group play against the Brits and we all know how they like to leave the door open for lesser sides.
Things That Interest Hippo: Tunisia rocked a couple 2-2 draws against Turkey and Portugal a couple weeks back so…whatever the hell that means, I guess. Panama sucks donkey balls so, if you’re spreading the wagers around, Group G is really just a three team race so Tunisia could backdoor to the elimination round. Then again, you can also get 8/1 odds on No Tunisia Goalscorer being their top tournament scorer. So something for all the degenerates!
Editor’s Note: We have a World Cup Pool!! Please click the link below to sign up:
https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=149105
The pool password is “Balls”
As always, there will be a fabulous prize given to the winner. Join today!!
Odds of Justify getting pulled over for a DWI later tonight are 12:1.
So that’s where Dontrelle Willis went. Nice to see him.
Announcer: “Now that you’ve won the Triple Crown where are you going, Mike Smith?”
M. Smith: “I’M HEADED TO SMALLVILLE AND FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT HAS A PULSE!”
Announcer: “We can’t use that… [ponders] Or can we?”
I can’t wait for Justify to decline the upcoming invitation to the White House.
Has anyone ever bannered on consecutive comments?
Probably…but we gotta pick only one or else his head will swell.
Stand by.
FWIW I like this one better.
“The roar from the white upper class audience is not even remotely close to deafening.”
Just like always, Gronkowski fucked up everything.
Well that’s probably the first time ever that Gronkowski didn’t come first.
http://www.bannermattress.com/images/BANNER-LOGO.png
Never in hell.
…aaaand Gronkowski is last.
FINALLY!!! FUCK!!!!!
Surprisingly, he got show money. Huh.
Yeah, and fucked up my trifecta.
Asshole.
That last horse is headed to a restaurant in Paris. No wonder he’s taking his time.
According to Donna Brothers, Justify is “hot and wet” and now she’s talking about the load.
I think Donna Brothers is looking for a jockey cock.
For all this pageantry and bullshit, in five minutes, no one will give a shit about horse racing for another eleven months.
“Not true!” – random old alcoholic in a studio apartment just outside Santa Anita.
“TURN LEFT! TURN LEFT! TURN LEFT!”
-NASCAR drivers, watching the race
– also Democratic strategists now that the primaries are over
(I know this joke doesn’t make sense, but it makes even LESS sense if I went with Republican strategists because the candidates will never shift left, ever)
The colors of the 8 horse Vino Rossa remind me of a skateboard I owned in the 1980’s.
The stretch is so goddamn long in this race.
Picked up a beer from a brewery in Thunder Bay called “Northern Logger”. I looked all ’round to see what kind of beer it was because… um, I was suffering heatstroke and not being a complete idiot.
Sounds like a Mexcian-style ale.
The joke is that it’s an IPA because fucking everything is an IPA.
I will be drinking Blue Moon tonight (maybe!) because that’s what my wife bought and you don’t complain about any beer your wife buys.
Also, Blue Moon is fine. Especially on a sunny 80 degree day, which are rare here.
Once you’re good and drunk serenade her with the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0fy1HeJv80
I wouldn’t totally rule it out.
Me and a pair of friends sang that a cappella in high school. The parents LOVED it.
Is that anything like an “Alaskan Telephone Pole”?
Never mind…forget I asked.
Is anyone else wondering why Brick is just sort of wandering around Carson?
I assumed he was looking for Cripsos.
They used to ask that about Ed McMahon.
Because it’s Carson! They got an Ikea, and a Target, and I just missed the Goodyear blimp, and there’s this dive bar, and a refinery, and a massive petroleum pipeline terminal, and . . . you get the picture. I can’t wait to see the refinery!
The green beans in my garden are finally starting to produce; reminded me of one of my favorite exchanges from the Simpsons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVoCiLzosxg
Soon you’ll be picking many a bean.
Hope I do.
I’m watching the horse race in this totally awesome dive bar I just found in Carson. I didn’t know if bikers would knife me if I went in; they didn’t.
Where’s all the Raiders paraphernalia?
Based on the Angels flag, I’d say this is a white guy dive bar as opposed to a Mexican guy dive bar. Also, CARSON IS CHARGERS TURF, RIGHT LOW COMMANDER???
It’s actually full of old people of all races.
$10 bucks if you hit on the chick at the far right.
THIS IS CHARGERS COUNTRY!
(seriously, their mini-stadium is just down the street)
Obligatory
https://youtube.com/watch?v=KxibMBV3nFo&feature=youtu.be
Question: After the race, do the trainers take the horses out for ice cream?
The winners get to fuck for the rest of their lives, and the losers become New Jersey Flank Steak.
So basically like getting drafted by the Giants or the Jets?
“Gentlemen, Start Your Horses!”
-Miss Belmont Stakes 2018
“Oh God yes!”
– Catherine the Great
I feel like this callback has embiggened my original Catherine the Great joke. Thank you, sir.
Costas trying to make things interesting by giving us a “Bob Baffert has failed here a few times. Will he win this time around?” narrative. Fuck. Off.
Bob Baffert is the Bob Shrum of horse racing.
This is your trifecta to bet, btw (current odds)…
1. Hofburg (9-2)
2. Vino Rosso (8-1)
3. Justify (4-5)
Hopefully, Gronkowski will break a leg and get shot on the track.
No, I don’t mean the horse.
I heard Edelman is a scratch for the next 4 races. Is that true?
Hehe 😛
Rooting for Justify, would bet on Justify/Vino Rosso boxed, with let’s say Tenfold completing the tri.
Good point. At this length I’d definitely box any bet made.
“I always prefer boxes”
– Jodie Foster or whatever
Down the street from Ikea:
“Wooo! The Belmont Steaks are on! [turns to the channel] Wtf is this?”
-A. Reid
Just spent about 4 hours in the baking sun clearing/burning brush at the cottage. I’m going to marry this beer and all of her friends.
“Hi, doctor? Yeah, it’s scotchnaut again. Yep. Stuck, just like last time…”
If you know of a better way to make little Coronitas, I’m all ears.
Reason #346 why tWBS hates living in the sticks…
We get our water from a well. Because of impurities and mud, we have a rather extensive water system to treat said water. Today was the day to change the filter.
Just now, the little piece o’ shit tool used to open the system up so that the filter could be replaced….broke. Just fucking snapped in half.
Now I gotta go to Home Depot.
grumble, grumble.
It’s got a special proprietary tool just to open the damned thing up? Who designed it, Apple?
Yup. But this time I went for the unbreakable metal one, not the shitty plastic one my father bought last time.
But of course Home Depot doesn’t have it in stock so I had to order it special. Good thing I called first. 10-14 days for delivery, though.
Sooooo…who wants to come to tWBS’ house and drink muddy water for the next two weeks?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHowqKYSXNI
Just FYI, there really isn’t this issue in California. Again, just FYI.
That had already crossed my mind. Just as it does every time something stupid happens here, lol.
But thanks for rubbing it in. Jerk. 😛
I think he means, it’s not a problem because there is no water in Californee
Hehehehe…you might be right.
That’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone accuse SonOfSpan of inappropriately rubbing one in.
There’s a gigantic Target next to the Ikea. You could build airplanes inside this thing. I entered, neither browsed nor bought a single thing, and then left through the other doors, 200 yards from the first ones. I took this picture though:
That Target’s slogan should be “Target: For When You Want Your Cheap Shit to Come Pre-Assembled by Modern Chinese Slave Laborers.”
Modern Chinese Child Slave Laborers
FTFY
Always laughed at this skit and felt stupid for doing so.
Did you get some Panini stickers?
I like her.
oh yeah
You guys aren’t gonna believe this one, but what the hell. So when I was a teenager I was on my family’s back six acres walking my dog, and he goes off running in pursuit of something small – probably a rabbit. I chase him through the underbrush and come down a little ridge and discover the entrance to a tiny cave. I poke my head in and realize it actually goes deeper than I’d have expected. After a few steps in, I turn a corner and realize that it’s getting too dark to keep exploring without a flashlight so I turn back to go get one.
When I emerge from the cave mouth…oh man. The sun is so bright it takes my eyes a good two minutes to adjust and I realize that the familiar pines and spruce trees have been replaced by date palms. A girl in a gauzy outfit and veil steps into view, wide-eyed with surprise.
If I try to communicate with her, turn to comment 32.
If I run away, turn to comment 17.
Anyhow, long story short, it turned out I was in Ancient Carthage! I was probably in Hannibal’s harem; I never found out for sure because after a pretty sweaty makeout session with the young woman I made a few decisions and eventually ended up finding another entrance to the Cave and turned up in a stable in Russia in 1796 and witnessed some stuff that I really don’t want to talk about.
Cartago Delenda Est
Rasputin Tikki Deadly?
Don’t go to Page 42 because you’re in the Afrika Korps and you’re losing.
My comment makes no sense. That’s the Ikea bain dramage i tol ya bout
That’s why it’s so wonderful.
I’ll have whatever this guy’s smoking/injecting.
Spoiling the joke, but…
you can do it, little Froggers!
/jumped on the comeback wagon at +275
Can’t believe France is actually TRYING and can’t score.
Justify gets a fast track today, finally.
I still don’t think he’s got the stamina for this distance, though.
Also, why does any horse race need five hours of coverage?
Justify/Vino Rosso exacta.
So I’m sitting in the Swedish Food Court in the Ikea in Carson CA. My brain shut down somewhere on the 2nd floor; I have no memory of why I even came here or what possible good could have come of it. Something about a bookshelf. I’d settle for milkcrates and planks at this point. I did try the Swedish Meatballs that everyone raves about; they weren’t bad. Jesus, everyone in here is a freak, and that damn well includes me.
Here’s a photo I snapped in Carson just before I got here:
Hehehehe…
♫ Saaayyyyy, helloooo….to my li’l Friennnnnnnd ♫
I was at that exact IKEA earlier this week. Got me a table for $40. It’s still standing…
I read that the whole reason that Ikea added the food court was because people would spend too much time shopping and leave without buying anything cause they were too hungry.
Did you know that the good ol’ Confederate States of America (CSA) are alive and well, playing in Brasil’s Serie B?
– Some redneck somewhere
Also, I’m very proud that we are now a tits site.
/working on ass-eating site…
saladtossDOTorg?
Interestingly, saladtosser.com exists. No, it’s not what you expect.
Hahahaha.
Just in case, I’m not gonna trust you on that. Fool me once….
The salad spinner industrial complex threw their weight around to get that domain. CANT afford the possible negative
opticsPRMan, that’s a scary crest.
Your preview’s proving right. TUN’s taking it to Spain. But this game is…
/ moves singlasses toward face
too friendl—
// gouges eye out
USWNT Laundry is a good fantasy football name.
stupid fucking Frogs
OK, I’m bored and have just begun drinking. Which means it’s awkward story time…
When I landed in California a month ago today (holy shit, it’s already been a month? Now I’m sad.), my first stop after checking into the place I was staying was at the grocery store for vodka, beer and snacks. After returning those items to my room, my next stop was the weed store around the corner. Which is where I met the young lady some of you already know about, and we kinda clicked…and the rest is history.
Later however, after we’d had a nice evening and returned to my temporary abode at Venice and gotten rather baked together, she asked for a beer.
Now, the beer I had bought was Modelo Negra. Some of you probably see where I’m going already.
So, I open the beer and hand it to her and she starts giggling.
Her (giggling): Oh, so you like the Negra, huh? You like the dark?
Me (clueless so far): Yes, very much. I like the dark a lot.
Her (now laughing uncontrollably): Well, we’ll have a lot of fun then.
Me: What?
Her: What?
Then the double entendre dawned on me and we both started laughing uncontrollably. That’s when I knew this girl was very cool. Very cool, indeed.
You are welcome.
Clueless, still got laid. Well done.
I’m charmingly clueless. What can I say?
(or is it cluelessly charming?)
France will lose to ‘MERICA and I will enjoy all les taeks chaud.
as long as Les Frogs win the first half!!
Tebowphiles meet trumtards!?
https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/2018/06/08/tim-tebow-kneeling-national-anthem/686533002/
It’s your classic unstoppable force / immovable object scenario.
(don’t say it tWBS, don’t say it tWBS, don’t say it tWBS)
((ahhh fuck it))
I did this recently myself.
(((see tWBS? THIS is why you’re going to hell)))
((((I know, other tWBS. I know))))
I would expect that kind of thing from Germany but Africa?
Fun fact: the team in this preview plays Spain in 25 minutes.
GO TUNISIA!!!!!
(hehehe)
😛
Also, I support the use of backdoor as a verb.
And a noun. A nice firm, round, plump noun.
And a… gerund?
“That could use a good backdooring.”
Yep, it checks out.
Now do a past perfect infinitive. (I dunno…Catholic school was a long time ago.)
This reminds me of the time I totally stole Blax’s “football/mysterious bar” noir theme.
It’s called Speakeasy Stories.
And I thought everyone was going to use this format at the time I wrote this.
Are we not supposed to do this?
I’m sorry officer. I….I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.
Shit man, I’m totally kidding. Pretty sure I swiped a good 3/4 of it myself.
I guarantee that RTD has a Tunisian girl story…
I’ve got a better one about this one girl from Niagara Falls.
You wouldn’t know her.
My cousin? All Canadians know other Canadians.
No you’re thinking of Iceland.
How is Loose Lucy?