Your “Who Even Are These Guys?” Monday Evening Home Run Derby Thread

Well, the World Cup of Lesser Footy’s over. Only four years and four months until Qatar 2022, or for our purposes two years give or take until Euro 2020, taking place in scenic *googles Euro 2020* all over Europe? Seriously? You have to make an entire Eurotrip to go to all the matches? Listen, if I have to sexually assault a horse in Berlin, count me the fuck out.

So anyway back to a summer of baseball until training camps come this month (news is slow, some contract stuff), but hey, tonight’s the Home Run Derby from Nationals Park in DC (8 Eastern, ESPN), with all your favorite sluggers: Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays… sorry, that’s the 1960 show. But all your favorite sluggers from this year, like Bryce Harper, and, uh… other people?

The stars are not slugging in the Derby. No JD Martinez, no Mike Trout, no Jerry Joey Gallo, no Aaron Judge or Giancarlo Stanton. Hell, I’m guessing Harper’s there since it’s his park. But maybe due to not wanting to fatigue themselves or whatever, everyone else said no. So we have…

Jesús Aguilar, Bryce Harper, Max Muncy, Alex Bregman, Kyle Schwarber, Javier Baez, Freddie Freeman, and Rhys Hoskins. Okay, I know most of them. Jesús Aguilar nobody knows because he plays for the Brewers and nobody cares, but you might’ve heard of the rest. Schwarber and Baez play for the Small Bears so you might know them from the Sixth (or whichever) Seal being opened, and Bregman’s the third baseman for the Dirt 500s, best known from last year. You might’ve heard of  Rhys Hoskins? He stormed into the league hitting a bunch of homers last August, but he does play for Philly.

Who will win? Don’t know. Will it be any good? Probably. But without the “pop” factor of all the big dudes people are already asking about if it’s broken. 1, it was probably broken from the beginning and we didn’t realize it but it’s 2018 and everything is garbage now, 2, it’s unfortunate that that’s the only event of All-Star Monday. You could make it four people and have two or even one round, best round wins, but that wouldn’t get the ratings! Though then you could have the best arm competition, or a speed competition. Fuck, I’d want to watch Byron Buxton vs. Billy Hamilton rounding the bases. Or Golden Glove, complete with “turn your cap around” once you’ve made one miscue (you get two chances in Golden Glove). Or the complete game of Around the Horn (or Around the Horn Plus)—pitcher to home, step on home, start the clock, to third, to second covered by the second baseman, to first, back to home, then home to second covered by the shortstop, then to the right fielder, back to second, then to center, to third, to left field, left field to home, step on the plate, stop the clock. I’d watch it.

It’s the same thing that happened, or happens, with the Slam Dunk Contest. It ebbs and flows depending on the year. Just means added pressure for Harper to win it (which is why, hot taek here, he won’t).

So… is anything else on?

NBA Summer League Semifinals
Lakers vs. Cavs, 8:30 Eastern, ESPN 2
Blazers vs. Grizzlies, 10:30 Eastern, ESPN 2

Welcome to the dead season, the nadir of the sports calendar. If we make it to the weekend it only gets better from there.

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Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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blaxabbath

Sitting in the hospital. Mrs’ water broke but no real contractions. They’re saying we might be here 18 hours.

blaxabbath

Good thing my Wednesday piece is already on the schedule!

Mr. Ayo

Congrats in advance!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don’t panic.

ballsofsteelandfury
Mr. Ayo

I watched this on mute. And did not put my pants back on.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Got damn!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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An old joke, but still.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Aren’t we all…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But Sonic, tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

A better artist would have put a solar flare at the end of it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

She can stretch me out anytime. I actually mean this because my body is cramping and it’s stiff as fuck at the moment. Particularly my hips.

Brocky

I’m no doctor, and I make no assumptions….

but if you’re a male over age 33 with a big belly, you need to start doing the yoga stretches that doctors usually recommend for hip replacements. My dad was able to avoid having a replacement done cause he started it when my uncle had his hip done, and they have the exact body type. that stuff works more than it has any right to

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is great advice. I feel I am still obligated to post this gif.

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Wakezilla

Oh, I haven’t worked out since November and need major surgery. It absolutely is sedentary nature. Doing things suck at the moment

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

One of the revelations of moving into suburbia is how fucking much well-to-do people love their lawns, and how much more they like to hire crews of people to do it for them at all hours of the fucking day.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am killing my lawn just to watch it die.

litre_cola

Always look forward to your beisbol all star break posts Weaselo.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

My first thought as well, as well as the line:

and then you hit that little sucker with the freezer pops!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

I think even a dog would feel weird about doing that.

blaxabbath

Not my dogs.

But I got a great ass.

Brick Meathook

I don’t think there’s ass involved here

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A dog would, but his fans/ supporters?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

You misspelled “Putin” and you had them in the wrong place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Different subject.

Wakezilla

If Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin were actually in love, it would be the most sympathetic, likeable thing I ever heard about either of them

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Holy shit! Harper just pulled a Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby!

Wakezilla

His dad is pretty jacked

Mr. Ayo

HARPER!

Redshirt

I read an article on CNN on how to get white people from using the n-word. I’m sorry, its Monday. I’m too tired to Nice Guy this thing.

This is my honest opinon (set that this scene from Liar, Liar)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbOtyWTRZ_g

Secretary: “Boss, its the African American community. They want to know how to stop non-African American people from saying the n-word.”

(grabs the phone)

Me: “STOP SAYING THE N-WORD YOURSELVES, ASSHOLES!!!!!!”

blaxabbath

Yeah. Just say n-word.

Redshirt

That would work. Geek it up.

Wakezilla

FIFA World Cup 2022 Winner Odds – From Bodog

France – 5/1 , Brazil – 7/1, Spain – 15/2, Germany – 8/1, Belgium – 11/1, Argentina – 12/1, Italy – 18/1,England – 20/1
Netherlands – 20/1,Portugal – 28/1 Uruguay – 40/1 Chile – 50/1 Colombia – 50/1 Croatia – 50/1 Mexico- 50/1 Denmark – 80/1 USA – 80/1 Paraguay – 100/1

Peru – 100/1 Russia – 100/1 Serbia – 100/1 Turkey – 100/1 Ukraine – 100/1 Bosnia-Herzegovina – 150/1
Czech Republic – 150/1 Egypt – 150/1 Poland – 150/1 Senegal – 150/1 Sweden – 150/1 Switzerland – 150/1 Wales – 150/1 Austria – 200/1 Cameroon – 200/1 Ecuador – 200/1 Ivory Coast – 200/1 Japan – 200/1 Morocco – 200/1, Nigeria – 200/1
Norway – 200/1, Qatar – 200/1, Romania – 200/1, Bulgaria – 250/1 China – 250/1 Ghana – 250/1 Greece – 250/1

Iceland – 250/1, Slovakia – 250/1, South Korea – 250/1, Montenegro – 300/1
Republic of Ireland – 300/1, Scotland – 300/1, Slovenia – 300/1, Tunisia – 300/1,Albania – 500/1
Australia – 500/1, Costa Rica – 500/1,Finland – 500/1, Iran – 750/1, Northern Ireland – 750/1, Saudi Arabia – 750/1

Canada – 1000/1 Honduras – 1000/1 New Zealand – 1000/1 Panama – 1000/1 South Africa – 1000/1

Gratliff

Just gonna stick with the disappointment that is humanity tonight. I’d never seen the letter Jerry Lawler sent the prosecutors during his trial in 1993 where he was accused of statutory rape of a 15 year old in his hotel room. Now I’m seeing it all over Twitter in response to him bitching about people being too PC because they’re upset Hogan is back in the fold after the whole racial epithet bonanza thing. He’s a notorious scumbag, but this is the kind of letter that should end with eating a bullet. Jesus.

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Redshirt

Even if he’s right about all that YOU DON’T PUT YOURSELF IN THAT KIND OF POSITION YOU’RE A FREAKING ADULT AND THEY ARE KIDS YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Statutory rape laws do not take any side notes on the behavior of the victim. It is supposed to work that way anyway. If all that is true it is irrelevant and could actually speak to the victim’s lack of rationality and therefore the vulnerability of her state of mind, which he knowingly took advantage of.

Either that or I watch too many crime shows.

blaxabbath

But a BLACK man?

Pardon my language, CNN is out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

ALSO A LESBIAN; SHE DOUBLED DOWN ON SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN.

Redshirt

I’m a Conservative. I understand.

Sometimes I feel like Mr. Hyde is in me trying to surface.

Gratliff

NINETEEN NINETY-THREE. I imagine White Genocide in 1993 was Jungle Fever grossing 3 times its budget.

Redshirt

I agree and you cannot watch too many crime shows. I was just saying even if he didn’t commit the crime, he should know better than to create a situation where someone could imply something happened.

Gratliff

The case fell apart when the girls refused to continue testifying. Lawler claims they recanted their whole story and admitted it was a lie, but the cops that worked it said he’s full of shit and they just couldn’t handle it anymore. Worth noting he was also accused of witness intimidation, and has been accused of similar shit throughout his career. You can find him working full time any time he wants and guest starring any time WWE does a nostalgia show.

Redshirt

If that happened in the 2010s, he’d be convicted by public opinion.

Gratliff

If we held the stars of the Golden and Attitude Era up to the same standards as we do the current roster, the hall of fame would start emptying out in a big fucking hurry

Wakezilla

“The Golden and Attitude era was not a Sawft time to be a wrestler”

Enzo Amore

Gratliff

Something tells me the handwriting on his rape letter will be less impressive

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I had no idea of the details; thanks for expanding. I am not surprised for some reason.

Brick Meathook

That’s some good penmanship.

Gratliff

He’s had a lot of practice writing pleas to prosecutors

Wakezilla

I remember being a teenager and the hot rumour was that Stacey Carter (aka: The Cat) was one of the girls. Oh dirt sheets are the worst.

/still waiting for Kane and Tori to join DX

The Maestro

I was explaining the rules of the Derby to Lady Maestro earlier, and since she is a former varsity rugby player, we got to thinking about how a rugby skills competition might play out.

I suggested trying convert kicks from successively further distances until someone misses two in a row; the loser then gets their head kicked off their neck right through the uprights.

She seemed to not like this idea, and I don’t know why.

Mr. Ayo

I’d prefer tries from 20 yards out from 10 degree different angles. Like a 3 point contest moving around the arc.

Mr. Ayo

And, of course, the loser getting their head kicked off.

herodotus450

Would that be before or after the “grab as manyu balls as you can without it being gay” competition?

Brocky

and, they changed gfycat. my gif days are over.

Gratliff

I guess things are gonna get more…interesting? Still not convinced anything’s going to come of it, but goddamn if people aren’t running out of fucks to give.

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Redshirt

Judging by his reaction, Trump better feel lucky McCain is on his deathbed or else he been on the National Mall calling him out for a fight.

blaxabbath

If I wasn’t concerned about the fallout at work, I’d be pushing the cities here to pass resolutions to ban McCain’s name from ever being on anything here. Now is the perfect time as both sides seem to show similar disdain for him.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and yet the comparison to others in his party makes him look like Jesus himself.

Gratliff

Kevin Owens out there risking his life for a comedy feud on a throwaway PPV

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Redshirt

He didn’t fall quite right and that table didn’t break quite right.

Crap.

Gratliff

They put that airbag under it, but I’m not sure if the goal is for it to deflate in a way that throws him off to the side, or if he’s just supposed to land flush on the wooden tabletop and then deflate. It seems like a half-assed measure either way.

Redshirt

The Bag deployed but if its like a Racing Car, its supposed to fly apart so the force is transferred off the person and into the breaking table. It stood up which means the force was absorbed by KO.

blaxabbath

Breaking character isn’t very EXTREME.

Redshirt

With the world falling into the abyss, at least I can rely on the “Nostalgia Critic” to be an anchor in uncertain times.

(reads about Channel Awesome controversy about misogyny, fraud and employee mistreatment)

Be right back. Gonna go punch a nearby tree,

herodotus450
Mr. Ayo

WTF! Boltman is retiring? But the world has so many unsnapped femurs!

https://www.ebay.com/itm/Boltman/292639094154

herodotus450

Suspected bidder:
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Mr. Ayo

I didn’t realize LCSS had a beard.

Redshirt

If I’m the Chiefs, Broncos or Raiders, I’d buy the costume and make him a mascot just to piss off the Chargers. Give him the full Youppi! treatment.

Brocky

So, I did a search for “400 million clinton” on facebook, too see how many people actually believe that

HO-LEE-SHIT

I’m just going to go back to looking for pictures of attractive women, Need to distract the brain

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Redshirt

I wouldn’t put past Hillary pocketing some money from her Foundation, but $400M seems a bit too much. With that much money, she could’ve paid Trump $200M to quit.

Brocky

I so desperatley want to make a “of course a republican” would make that quip but But I don’t even have the mental energy to argue. You’re still right.

Redshirt

I’ll accept your “You’re right, but still go fuck yourself.”

Wakezilla

Breaking Maple Football news:

“Terrell Owens invoked the 10-day clause on Saturday that forces the Edmonton Eskimos – the club that holds his negotiation rights – to offer him a contract or release him. “

King Hippo

is he really any Canadia good? I can’t imagine he got much left in el tank.

Wakezilla

I’d legitimately be shocked if he’s a good 4th option. With that said, a team like the Als could use more butts in the seats and they signed Chad Johnson once upon a time ago.

King Hippo

as FOAR teevee time? Glad I knows how to read.

Redshirt
King Hippo

As a RB…that would be quite stupid, if true. Sounds more like Yinzer PR, though.

Brocky

Lol, you know the steelers will just draft another all pro RB.

King Hippo

they done took NC State’s Swiss Army knife, Jaylen Samuels. Perhaps he will be more suited to 1st and 2nd down NFL work than methinks?

https://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2018/4/28/17288934/jaylen-samuels-draft-rb-wr-pittsburgh-steelers

Wakezilla

Without checking the link out, me thinks the guaranteed money amount was probably booty.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was probably for one million per year with a fifth-year $75 million team option, and the Steelers are just shocked, SHOCKED that he didn’t take it.

King Hippo

oh yeah, that makes sense. An “illusory” $70M. I am not even in pre-season game shape, and stupidly assumed they’d refer to the only number that matters (guaranteed).

herodotus450

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herodotus450

I think this is all just a big misunderstanding, and there’s a simpler explanation. Trump thinks Putin is pronounced Poo-teen, and he’s actually the Canadian president, which is why he’s been so friendly. And Trudeau is the French president, so trump is being kinda standoffish with him After all, who makes a giant statue out of copper. You KNOW that shit is going to oxidize! And Macron is the… Spanish? president. Or maybe Latin. But aren’t those the same thing? Hmm, looks like we’re going to need a bigger bulletin board and a lot more string.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought Macron was the president of Microsoft Excel, and it is time to tear France from his tab-delineated claws!

herodotus450

Aarrgh, Clippy! I knew he was at the bottom of this!

Brocky

Evening

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King Hippo

Brasil seems nice!

Wakezilla

I dunno, it seems like the husband/boyfriend always gets in trouble.

King Hippo

good, someone who looks like that ought never be in trouble!

ballsofsteelandfury

You know, it’s times like these when you really need Brazilian TV:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=illIjOO5Zbc&has_verified=1

Wakezilla

Enough about Trump. Let’s check in on Elon Musk….

Oh, oh god no!

ballsofsteelandfury

Someone else with a small penis…

Redshirt

Ha! Serves you right.

Now I’m going to go up to the roof and check on my Papa John stocks.

Wakezilla

America has become the biggest, most powerful surveillance state in human history, with insane technology to find a ton of shit, but can’t find a smoking gun for Russiagate as we enter the third year of this nonsense? People are getting busted for other shit because they’re all crooks, but not RGate rated. Maybe there’s no great plan afterall? Putin isn’t very competent himself. Either way, it’s a nonthreatening conspiracy, so it could last forever. Meanwhile, the stock market is rising and steady economic growth, and the Democrats are grasping to a boogeyman.

This absolutely won’t blow up in their faces

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, as long as the trains run on time…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They just indicted 12 Russians on Friday. Another one yesterday – who is actually in jail RIGHT NOW and will be until her hearing on Wednesday. If you read the indictment, you’ll see that the “surveillance state” that I’m not a particularly big fan of knows a LOT more than you or I or the press does (or ever will). Trump’s campaign manager is in jail for witness tampering, and is about to face a trial that will put him away for life if he doesn’t flip. Trump’s personal lawyer is virtually guaranteed to be indicted any day now.

Meanwhile, the stock market has been flat for the last six months.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, here’s the QOTD:

When does the CIA put out a hit on Trump?

herodotus450

“We’ve been feeding him Mcdonalds every day and put him in front of crowds of rabid gun owners all the time, what more do you want!”
-C.*.A.

Redshirt

Donald Trump was right, dealing with Putin was easy. All he had to do was get into a comfortable position, relax a few specific muscles, moan and groan sporadically and encourage and complement the other guy.

Spur

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Redshirt

Now here’s a Russian overlord I wouldn’t mind submitting to.

scotchnaut

G’night!*

*can’t wait to read this thread in the early hours tomorrow!

herodotus450

Heh, now’s the longest possible time until Scotchy reads the thread. The perfect time to shittalk the Senators. Uh… They Stink!

Spur
herodotus450

“Who cares? Besides, I like Russians, Sean Connery was great in that Hunt for the Red Boot movie.”
-49% of voters

scotchnaut

“I don’t see what you did there.”

-49% of voters

scotchnaut

This might be the best political news site I frequent on a regular basis.

herodotus450

When this trump thing is over, I hereby propose that we never talk of it again, under penalty of torture.
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King Hippo

Community had the Gas Leak Year, we can have the Gas Leak Presidency.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How about just the Leak Presidency?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like a lot more Americans became aware today that Trump is in Putin’s pocket, and all that had to happen was for him to go on live television in front of an international audience and metaphorically lick Putin’s boots. I wish we had realized earlier it could be this simple.

Wakezilla

Why? Because they’re trying to talk things through? That’s a good thing when both countries have about 90%ish of all the nukes.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m all for the two countries talking and collaborating but Trump is only interested in lining his pockets with cash.

herodotus450

I think the best way to handle trump and russia would be to not ask him about it at all. His unquenchable need for attention and credit will eventually lead to him bragging about it in an undeniable, legally admissible way.

Spur

I don’t know about you guys but i think Putin is working with Trump to hide something.

King Hippo

The GOP leadership should have an intellectually honest press conference and say “We KNOW ok? The President of the United States is a Russian agent. It doesn’t impact our tax cuts or the Supreme Court, so we just don’t give a fuck.”

Approval numbers will stay just about the same. Their base does as they are told, it’s just God’s will.

ballsofsteelandfury

The statements today from the Republicans are laughable. They knew who he was and they allowed him to take power.

They’re shocked, shocked I say!

scotchnaut

“Look, it’s all over the Bible. Jesus wants poor people to be poor. They like it. Not only that, it’s good for them. The truth is written in black and brown!”

-Christian Evangelicals

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DO SOMETHING CONGRESS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[passes $30 billion bailout for soybean farmers caught in the churn of Trump’s tarriffs]

– Congress

herodotus450

[Democratic president tries to raise taxes to pay for the bailout 4 years from now. GOP shutdown the government to block it and use the chaos to reclaim power]

Spur

Folks

ballsofsteelandfury

Dude, you need to give me details for the jersey you won in the fútbol pool!

Spur

US Mens, Pulisic, XL.

Sweet.

herodotus450

Shoulda gone with the Chastain Sportsbra special.

ballsofsteelandfury

What color?

Spur

blue. anything but white. But if its free, I really dont care.

ballsofsteelandfury

Done!

King Hippo

Not watching the HR shite, but Hoskins does seem like a fella who would be good at this.

herodotus450

Bob Hoskins? I’ve got some bad news…

Wakezilla

Once the Donkeys crunch the numbers in the polls and realize nobody gives a flying fuck about Russiangate and treasonous banal conferences, maybe then they’ll actually go beyond a platform of a Ton Clancy novel.I hope that day ends soon because shit like today is so toxic.

King Hippo

If people don’t care about Herr Fuhrer being possibly a Russian agent, then we don’t deserve a democracy after all.

And he is, at least de facto, a Russian agent.

https://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/the-worst-case-scenario-has-been-obvious-for-a-while

ballsofsteelandfury

What’s been plain from day one is that Trump only cares about Trump. Yeah, there’s probably a promise of riches.

The bigger issue is that the Republican Party knew who he was and allowed/supported him for the sake of their agendas which Trump couldn’t give two shits about and that the Democratic Party couldn’t defeat him.

That’s the problem in our country, not whether Trump is compromised.

King Hippo

It is absolutely indicative of much, much larger, structural problems with this country and our democracy. And I have no idea how you get people working together constructively again in Herr Fuhrer’s aftermath. I just know we need to do so.

ballsofsteelandfury

He’s not a Russian agent, he’s a free agent. Anyone that wants to buy him can.

King Hippo

I 100% believe they have something on him, whether it’s positive (lots of money given) or negative (video of him fucking 15-year olds that look like daughter dearest).