Yes, Sulky-assed Mourinho’s United and what tattered remains of Lester played a wet fart of a Friday nighter, but the sooner we forget that happened, the better.  On to a full slate of magic!

Spurs are at the Barcodes to start us off (7:30, NBCSN).  Now, the toothless ones flirted with relegation last season, and based on their cheapskatedness in the summer, look as if they could easily do so again.  But they’s tough at home, and will be well fired up for a prestige opener.  Spurs had lots of players who went balls deep into World Cup play too, so don’t be surprised by a halftime Newcastle lead, and/or an eventual draw result.

A 4-match 10:00 window you expect, and what you get.  Only Huddersfield hosting yet-again-in-turmoil-ish Chelsea is on the tube (NBCSN), with Litre’s beloved Fulham (home to Palace) leading the NBC Sports Gold line (and the above gift of the day is Margot Robbie in her Fulham scarf).  Yeah Right’s Cherries also host “we’re just here to collect our check and go right back down, thanks” Cardiff, whilst the Moose-Hornets get the Seagulls in the nickname Derby.

Oh yeah, Everton get the opening Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC).  Problem is…shiny new central defenders Yerry Mina and loanee Kurt Zouma won’t be ready in time, so home side Wolves look primed to give the Blues a proper hiding.  Regardless, there are goals in this’un for sure, so do tune in.

OK, the wakey-wakey Sunday match is the Redshite beating the piss out of West Ham (8:30, NBCSN).  Watch Soton/Burnley on NBC Gold or dodgy Eurostream if at all possible.  New-look Arsenal hosting Man City (11:00, NBCSN) is a damned fine way to close out the weekend, though.  A great early indicator whether the Blue Mancs will reprise their role as steamroller who crushes all hopes and dreams (like life itself, ya know?) or if the Gooners want to rejoin a more competitive joust at the top of the best League in the world (added to annoy Balls).

And that is that.  The Froggies are the only other liga mejor that starts this weekend, and I will be damned if I can find a compelling matchup there (I even tried, FFS).  Enjoy this as a warmup to various pre-season festivities, ye fuckin’ degenerates.