Your “I Guess Preseason Gets Exciting Next Week?” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News:

  • The Bengals have released safety George Iloka.
    • Iloka is due $5.3 million in salary and roster bonuses this season, and it appears GM & Cincinnati local playhouse Scrooge Mike Brown would prefer to pay their second-round rookie Jesse Bates instead.
    • Iloka has his own sanguine outlook:

  • In a move that clearly bodes well for my ticket resale value, the Seahawks tried to acquire Jacoby Brissett from the Colts.
    • They offered a second round pick in 2019, but the Colts want to keep him & his 4-11 2017 record under wraps.
  • Seemingly available is Teddy Bridgewater from the Jets.
    • The Jets are so impressed with Sam Darnold that they appear willing to part with a QB that could help them if things go into the shitter.
      • (Ron Howard voice:) They will.
    • It’s because Bridgewater is the more-attractive trade bait.
      • Josh McCown is 39 & has a $10 million guaranteed contract.
      • Teddy is 25 & worth $5 million plus incentives
  • Not speaking of collusion or better available players, John Elway is in hot water for allegedly violating a court order in the Kaepernick collusion case.
    • When talking about looking for a backup QB – since Paxton Lynch isn’t exactly working out – he was asked about “The Kneeing Bandit” ™
      • “Colin had his chance here. We offered him a contract. He didn’t take it. So, as I said it in my deposition, I don’t know if I’ll be legally able to say this, but he’s had his chance to be here. He passed it.”
      • The problem is, a month later he made the same deal available to Brock Osweiler without conditions.
        • By bringing all of this up at a presser, he violated the court order against public discussion of the case.
    • He potentially made the public, and the court, more aware of a conspiracy to keep Kaepernick out of the League.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Ravens at Colts – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Game preview:
      • It’s Week-2 of the preseason – who fucking cares?!
      • It’s Andrew Luck & his broken arm versus Joe Flacco & his soft arm for two series at most.
        • Then it’s backups & future CFL Hall of Famers.
        • FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
  • Little League World Series:
    • Southwest vs. Southeast – 8:00PM | ESPN2
  • MLB:
    • Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet / MLBN
    • Astros at Mariners – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1 / MLBN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • There’s a bunch of new champions, so the countdown to …

… the Royal Rumble (?) has begun.

Flacco versus Luck – HOW CAN TONIGHT GO WRONG?!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hello. I spent all day at a conference and now have work to do since I couldn’t do it during the conference.

Beer, whisky, or cyanide?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Is there an unofficial DFO FF league this year? I played in the “Insanity” league 2 years ago and it was….interesting.

ballsofsteelandfury

TWBS is setting one up. There will be a post soon.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Thanks balls. I wasn’t sure if I was too late in asking.

theeWeeBabySeamus

tried to invite you directly, but my computer is fuxored.

I’ll email you an invite link. Great to have you in. Phrasing.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

I got the latest one you sent to my primary email address, but it gave me an error message. I will send you an email to follow up.

PS – time and date are fine with me.

Don T

Politics, in the Colin Cowherd style:

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ballsofsteelandfury

Wow. He probably likes Maduro too…

Wakezilla

What a piece of shit.

SonOfSpam

My wife is yelling at the oven timer. It’s not the first time.

(#429 reason why I drink)

Wakezilla

/Is doing the Tampa Bay Bucs writeup, due tomorrow at 7am. I haven’t really started due to life getting in the way.

It’s going to be…bad, is what I’m trying to say.

litre_cola

Ask someone on slack if theirs is done and switch time slots.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Maybe copy/paste last years writeup and see if anyone notices?

WCS

It’s pretty simple:

Fuck Jameis Winston with a stolen crab leg.

Fin.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I think Hodor just spit on himself

Wakezilla

Holy shit, North Surrey (repping Canada) beat Mexico? That’s bananacakes!

My biggest complaint about how Canada does their little league world series tournament is that the city of Surrey is heavily fragmented, but often still reps Canada. If they were to be one team, they’d probably do more damage at this tournament.

SonOfSpam

Maybe if they had a fringe on top…

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Violent drunk. I ended up with a white boy surprised I know Rio Kiley….

Fucking Canucks. I need a ride in Rigina.

litre_cola

I will be there in 2 weeks for LaboUr Day if that helps?

Wakezilla

Eat the Regina right and the stream will lead you to Calgary. Then you’re fine

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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rockingdog
rockingdog

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

The fuck?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I dont know you…how have you never seen this?!? What is our screening? This is basic shit.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

#7 Bert Jones looks not terrible….oh wait that’s Jacoby Brissett. ANOTHER NCSU BRED QB WE DIDN’T DO SHIT WITH?

Shit, now I’m sad. I really wish that was Bert Jones with a very good tan.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Y’ever wonder why it’s “Bert and Ernie” even though Ernie is arguably the more famous one?

WCS

Saul’s bringing back errbody.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Is three seasons of slow burn finally paying off?

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

OH HI SUZY!

*was that loud? it seemed loud … hope i didn’t scare her …*

rockingdog
rockingdog

Suzy!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Neighbor I Haven’t Seen in a While: Hey, how’re you doing?
Me: Hey man. I’m doing alright. Some work issues, but that’s mostly it. How’s everything on your end?
Neighbor: Doing good. Can’t complain.
[Awkward silence as we walk down the stairs]
Neighbor: [Just trying to make conversation]…At least the Chargers are looking better.
Me: What? Don’t tell me that. Don’t ever tell me that!
[Neighbor’s pace his quickened dramatically]
Me: Those traitors need to lose every game!
Neighbor: [Over his shoulder as he’s practically running to his car] Uh huh! Sure!
Me: That’s what happens when–!
[Neighbor slams car door and starts instantly starts engine]
Me: [Suddenly realizing what I did] Wait, no, dude, it’s… [Walking up to car]
[Neighbor drives around me and is gone]

I have a feeling he won’t be talking to me again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t wait for the episode of LCSS Place where the least-liked neighbor is killed by a blow to the back of the skull and everyone is a suspect until eventually it is figured out that it was a stray golf ball.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Heh, yeah, stray…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The fun reveal will be them identifying the golfer and everyone realizing it was an accident, followed by a post-credits scene where they show LCSS furtively ducking into a dive bar (Silver Fox, I’m thinking) holding an envelope, and shortly afterwards the golfer (tWBS) goes into the very same bar.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, he was killt by a Callaway. I only use Titleist.

litre_cola

You conveniently “found” that in the bush the hole before.

I can’t believe someone didn’t find this……

I am fucking on to you ne’er do wells.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is this like the ending to Wild Things where we see someone’s penis?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gimme a sec.
/tries unsuccessfully to unbotton pants

DAMMIT!!!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Death by exploding femurs?

litre_cola

When asked defendant LCSS said someone named BOLTMAN told him to do it, OOOOOOOYeah?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah sure….like you didn’t just push him down the stairs and then bury the body hastily.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Like I would ever… We were already down the stairs at that point!

Wakezilla

The Chargers don’t exist. It’s the LA Clippers

rockingdog
rockingdog

Creative TD for the Indy ponies!

Senor Weaselo

GRONK for Tide Pods surprisingly doesn’t talk about all the different flavors. Yes I know that joke is dated.

WCS

The classics stay funny for a reason.

Careful with that Axe Eugene
Careful with that Axe Eugene

New improved lemon-lime.

rockingdog
rockingdog

LamarJackson time!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Canada just knocked Mexico out of the LLWS.

At long last, Canada has their Lake Placid.

Senor Weaselo

That time they beat Mexico in the WBC AND in the bench-clearing brawl?

WCS

Better Call Saul time, ladies.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait
Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

That looks funky and spectacular.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

It was fantastic.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Blackbirds TD!
John Brown? cool!

Gratliff

There is nothing more strange to me than when I meet a person who has a fully stocked cabinet with nothing but snacks in it that isn’t just full of empty containers that they’re too lazy to throw away. What’s the point of buying snacks if not to immediately consume them? It’s like waiting for the trailers to end to eat popcorn at the movies.

Gratliff

“Why can’t I lose weight faster when I work out as much as I do?” I ask myself as I eat a second PB&J with chips and salsa in a recliner while watching wrestling.

Wakezilla

On a related note, how the fuck do people buy wine and have leftovers the next day?

nomonkeyfun

How do people have a handle of whiskey for more than three nights?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing against the man save for his entire Patriots career, but it would have been funny if Vinatieri had pulled his ACL on that meaningless preseason 57 yard kick.

Senor Weaselo

The sniper was definitely not hired by Morten Andersen if that’s what you’re asking.

Gratliff

To switch things up, let’s discuss the slurs signing Adrian Peterson

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I mean, I get it. Chris Thompson has really little experience beating these new kids.

Wakezilla

Thought Bucs would beat them to it

litre_cola

They switched up their plan.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hodor looking pretty decent.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice Kick, Adam. that woulda earned me a shitload of fantasy points two years ago you fucking asshole.

scotchnaut

rockingdog
rockingdog

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Horatio Cornblower

Down a rabbit hole tonight…

rockingdog
rockingdog

Cool! some music for the commercial breaks. ok!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Marvin Lewis’ career record if ties weren’t so uncommon in the NFL.

scotchnaut

Quentin Nelson “plays the right way”. He’s white-that ability is encoded in the DNA.

Redshirt

Flacco nearly blew out both his knees in one play.

Horatio Cornblower

Trying to get out of the way of a carton of chocolate milk?

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I admit it, this made me giggle.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CHIP KELLY: I won’t let my kids touch chocolate milk.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, because of your insistence on healthy eating?

CHIP KELLY: Uh, yeah. Sure, that’s why.

Senor Weaselo

Did he do it ELITEly?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck the Clots and the Irsays.
Sorry, it had to be said.
/awaits royalty check from Fozz

Horatio Cornblower

The Texas LL unis are basically Astros throwbacks and now I want to root for Texas.

Someone kill me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it cool if I just maim you?

scotchnaut

It’s cool with me. Whatever [shrugs]

Horatio Cornblower

Rooting for Texas, I deserve more than a good maiming.

theeWeeBabySeamus

– President Anastasio Bustamante

(that’s a smart and funny joke right there)

SonOfSpam

So I kinda like the Modelo commercial where Anthony Munoz paved the way for other Latinx (sorry) players to play in the NFL.

That said, Roberto Garza looks like a genuinely terrifying badass.

Redshirt

So it looks like Luck is back to normal.

rockingdog
rockingdog

any streams of the game online?

SonOfSpam

“I prefer live streams. COUNCEL RIGGED”

– D. Trump

SonOfSpam

Sure, he threw a PICKERCEPTION…but on the plus side, his lungs are still inside his torso.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All right Andrew Luck, don’t make me regret my decision to delay my dog’s walk to watch you HODOR.

Horatio Cornblower

Looks like the O-line it still tissue paper…
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SonOfSpam

Aw, death of Hodor still bums me out.

Horatio Cornblower

“He deserved better”, which is something you can say about nearly every character on that show.

Except Ramsay Bolton. Getting his face chewed off by his own dogs was exactly what he deserved.

Gratliff

Also, Walder Frey being fed his own sons in a pie before having his throat slit

Horatio Cornblower

That scene was fantastic. Arya was fucking terrifying.

Shit, I’m gonna rewatch that tonight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also Hot Pie getting a job making pies and presumably living a relatively happy life.

Horatio Cornblower

That was a nice moment. Almost as nice as when Ed Sheeran was on for five minutes and then disappeared forever

SonOfSpam

I had a semi during that scene.

Also when they were flinging poo at Cersei. That’s normal, right?

Horatio Cornblower

Totally

scotchnaut

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking of drafting Luck in fantasy? Winston has way more upside. smgdh.”

-RTD’s dog

scotchnaut

“ANDREW LUCK WITH THE HAND-OFF!”

Horatio Cornblower

Horatio Cornblower

It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.

I really wish one of my son’s team had made the LLWS, instead of sucking, so that I could have worn a mic on one of trips to the mound where I tore someone a new asshole for showing up a teammate.

“The catcher’s not blocking the ball!”
“Try throwing it for a strike instead of burrowing it into the fucking dirt then, genius.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HORATIO: It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.

HORATIO: It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.

RIKKI: You didn’t have to say it twice.

HORATIO: I didn’t.

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Redshirt

He plays for Michigan. I thought it was assumed he was a c***.

Horatio Cornblower

He didn’t have his jersey tucked into his khakis, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt until he bitched out his catcher.

Redshirt

This Pitcher’s future, brief Minor League Career:

SonOfSpam

Pitcher: The ump’s not giving me the outside corner.
Horatio: Your mom has some nice tits. I intend to cuckold your father tonight. Now let’s play some ball.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently I was wearing a mic at least once.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Gratliff

Museum visitor falls into giant hole that looks like a cartoonish painting on the floor https://t.co/8Z7rAtoo6J pic.twitter.com/MExUB1DqT8

— Gizmodo (@Gizmodo) August 20, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
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WCS

They found the Springfield Mystery Spot!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is that anything like the female orgasm? I keep looking for that and can’t find it.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a myth, like unicorns, and Eskimos.

Redshirt

I dunno. Its either real or your mother is an excellent actress.

Horatio Cornblower

My mom’s Meryl Streep, so….

Gratliff

You fell in the wrong hole

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take “Things I Heard On My Honeymoon” for $400, Alex.

Senor Weaselo

Wow, Acme’s done excellent work with their portable hole technology.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

corn whiskey is fucking evil…

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

scotchnaut

“Fucking evil? At some point you’re going to pay a steep price! Trust me on this.”

-Eva Braun

ballsofsteelandfury

I guess it’s football season?

ballsofsteelandfury

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’ve been called a bum before and it never stops hurting.”

– Jim Tomsula, answering a two-part question about his current employment status and the state of the world-renowned bunion on his left heel.

scotchnaut

“MMA fighters that can do a back flip? They are the chosen ones that will guide us through the coming Apocalypse!”

-Alex Jones

Gratliff

Apparently, it really works when you take an awful human being doing Nightman cosplay who’s legit great at hurting people and match them up with a less awful human being who’s double jointed. I really wish Rousey wasn’t a Sandy Hook truther so I could actually enjoy what is objectively a very good thing.

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I just want to know what the fuck is up with her makeup.

Gratliff

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Luckily, she doesn’t have to fight for realsies anymore. She’s not good at it.

Gratliff

I try to make the “someone should use Holly Holms’ foot as a foreign object” joke as much as possible

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gratliff

Remember the Texas-USC national championship game where ESPN spent like 2 weeks doing nothing but fantasy booking USC against the ’85 Bears and shit just for Vince Young to go off? That’s what the Holm fight was.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Rousey got exposed. Then instead of doing something about it and getting better and coming back and proving herself, she ran scared.

I’m not gonna judge her for cashing in on her name recognition while she still can, but a fighter she is not.

Redshirt

Not into MMA, but that sounds about right. If she fought again and lost, her brand would’ve hurt.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have it on good authority that she does like Twizzlers.

Gratliff

Not just cashing in. She’s, so far, very good at it, especially being so new, to the point of it being unfair even beyond her being a piece of shit. Getting everything she wants out of life while badmouthing the parents of murdered children as her man gets women performers he doesn’t like booted off major shows. Fuck them so much.

Senor Weaselo

Wheel of Fortune… Tennis Week? Dafuq is this shit?

WCS

Repeats.

Redshirt

Iloka is due $5.3 million in salary and roster bonuses this season, and it appears GM & Cincinnati local playhouse Scrooge Mike Brown would prefer to pay their second-round rookie Jesse Bates instead.

Actually it wasn’t Brown this time. This transaction was telegraphed a long time ago. The new D.C. didn’t like the performance of the safeties. They tried to replace him in Free Agency but when they couldn’t sign someone, they drafted Bates. Once he seemed decently goodish, Iloka was as good as gone.

Redshirt

Pope: “I wrote an apology letter!”
Congregation: “Does it include the words ‘laicization’ and ‘excommunication’?”
Pope: “Well, no, but…”
Congregation: “Go back and try again, Your Holiness.”

Gratliff

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scotchnaut

“I was told that God’s plan was for females to never speak unless spoken to. Are you there, God? It’s me.”

-Mike Pence

Wakezilla

“Only mother is allowed to speak”

yeah right

Hey everybody!

I renewed the Suicide League on ESPN. It’s Eliminator challenge, the group name is DFO Crack Suicide Squad and I don’t think there’s a password.

Get after it!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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scotchnaut

Suicide League? My first pick is Owen Wilson. He better not fuck it up again.

ballsofsteelandfury

If only Bourdain had waited a few months…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You’re leaving Luke that wide open? I mean, I’d kill myself right now if my only possible expression was “stupidly bewildered.”

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m in! Let’s do this thing!

Ian Scott McCormick

Question of the day: If you are transported into the Star Wars universe, do you automatically understand what Wookies are saying? Or do you have to take a class or something? Seems like everybody manages pretty well.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamnit, Ian, that was supposed to be tomorrow’s question. Today’s was what would happen if a zombie attacked one of the jurors in the Paul Manafort trial.

But the answer to your question is obviously that you’d have to take a class at Wookie U.

theeWeeBabySeamus

THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM!!!!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I for one, don’t trust dem wookies….
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Senor Weaselo

Wasn’t that covered in the Holiday Special?