Your “This Is The Mostest Football Yer Gonna Get” Friday Night Open Thread

Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Spread your wings, preseason football, show ’em what you got. This is the best quality you’ll get as most starters will play into the third quarter like the heroes that they are. What did we do to deserve such a blessing? I think it’s because we legged out an up-and-down summer, (Up? The World Cup threads were magnifico! Down? The frickin’ heat/forest fires were brutal… and no, it’s not because I’m getting oldish, thank you very much, silly whippersnapper!)  made the best of it, didn’t pass away or have a psychotic break and now we get rewarded! Like a midget wrestler that comes out on top, we must relish these small victories. TO THE GAMES!

NYG/NYJ:

This game is so full of itself every preseason. I blame you, New York media types. I’ll watch with my favourite grumpy expression.

DEN/WAS:

As far as the ‘Dacted’s are concerned, keep a leaky eye out for wr Cam Sims-he’s the team’s leading receiver in two, count ’em, two straight preseason games. As far as the Broncs are concerned, I’m willing to state that this is the last game that Paxton Lynch doesn’t play for Denver.

DET/T.B.:

Towards the end of the game when the camera cuts to the sideline, Lions starting qb Nubby von Applestreudel will be seen rubbing Oreo crumbs on his face and moaning. His O-line is accustomed to this behavior at this point in his career.

N.E./CAR:

The Smarm Police lead Brady away in handcuffs. He’s sent to a spa upstate where he can chase giggling super-models all the live long day.

SEA/MIN:

Announcer: “Mr. Tomsula, give us your take on this game.”

J. Tomsula: “There’s so much to unpack. [unties his bindle] There’s the spork and the can of beans and the jack knife and the train schedule and the…”

Announcer: “We’ll be right back… after the EMT’s arrive.”

G.B./OAK:

In a very touching gesture, the Raiders pregame meal was sea bass.

There you have it. To those that wish to post pics celebrating/objectifying the female form, might I suggest an alcohol theme? Ladies accompanied by various drams, steins, barrels, shot glasses, stills, kegs-whatever you find out there on the net frontier of images.

 

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Incredible

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

That effort by EJ Manuel would’ve been spectacular and valorous in World War One.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Elysian Space Dust IPA. Making me drunkly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh god, I love teh Space Dust.
Local store has not had it in stock lately.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Hnnnnnngh!

Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Being dead is a choice

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Cheers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose is already trying to give me a stroke tonight (heheheeh….stroke)…

I don’t need you piling on. Heheheheh…piling on.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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…..stroke……

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“How much does it weigh?”

*Metric

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“Yeah, sure you can crash on my couch for a couple a days.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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That’s a nice jacket.

Fronkenshteen

Get the buttah

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meanwhile on Fox.

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Horatio Cornblower

That was all over Twitter, and it was hilarious every single time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry; I don’t the Tweeter.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re missing nothing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I consider myself warned.

Fronkenshteen

? I-M-F-A-K-E?

nomonkeyfun

But, but, but, if the coaches were armed you’d never have shooters running into the school to get away. They could also effectively discipline those “thuggish” wide receivers. The Maryland football program would be in much better shape if the coaches were armed.

-Unholy merging of Fox News commentors and PFT commentors.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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NEVER FORGET.

Spur

i saw those titties in theaters. One of the 1st movies i stuck into.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

BEST TYPO OF THE DAY.

Horatio Cornblower

She couldn’t shoplift a bra?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And I’ll always be grateful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh dear lord, I’m going to jail.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Yeah. That’s why.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; He just posted that, no relation to the gif.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, I resemble that remark!!!!!

Fronkenshteen

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Wakezilla

Jesus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://cdn.unilad.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/UNILAD-ariel-sexy8.gif

May be reading too much into cartoon, but……

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

She doesn’t pussyfoot around!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Carrie was a goddamn national treasure.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

IS, just dormant.

Spur

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Fronkenshteen

I would like to volunteer to host daytime Impeachment Hearing Open Threads whenever they occur. I’ll be stay-home-daddying and they’re going to be spectacular, to say the least.

Spur

i want a Don Jr. cam at all times.

Fronkenshteen

I have him attempting to flee, but his attempt being as effective as the Bluth’s attempted yacht escape.

Horatio Cornblower

Appropos of the conversation with Hippo earlier…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMGVMtnxXEw

Fronkenshteen

That Hayden Hurst injury is BRUTAL. He was gonna be an every down starter.

Spur
Fronkenshteen

We need DFO t-shirts. That way we can spot ourselves in the stands and still retain anonymity.

ballsofsteelandfury

I would wear the shit out of a Balls of Steel and Fury t-shirt.

Fronkenshteen

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Senor Weaselo

It’s the HRTN shirts. Speaking of, I haven’t seen mine in awhile, so it must be balled up somewhere next to my bed.

Horatio Cornblower

What a coincidence; that’s where I keep my dignity.

Horatio Cornblower

Sideline reporter asking Jason Pierre-Paul how he feels being back in Florida is just cruel: she knows full well he can’t give it two thumbs up.

Fronkenshteen

This would look good to the far north of this page.

Horatio Cornblower

As the commissioner of the original DFO league, the Gratuitous Simpsons Reference league is apparently up and running by itself. AI will truly kill us all, but unlike AP, it will probably not beat its own children with tree branches.

Anyhoo, if you were in the GSR last year guess what? You’re in this year too!

I have no idea what else to do. Gonna set the draft soon. Let me know if you have any questions.

ballsofsteelandfury

Can I give up my spot and sell it to the highest bidder?

Seriously, I’m willing to give my spot to a commentist. I’m cutting FF this year.

Spur

how does one join? or is this a no homer club?

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck if I know. I’m only the commissioner because OSZ quit and I was the defending champ. I think Yeah Right is now the current champ.

Anyway, if BoS quits, I’ll send you an invite. Or I think BoS can name you a co-manager of his team and then you can just run it.

Spur
ballsofsteelandfury

This is probably a stupid question, but “How do we do that?”

I’m perfectly happy to give my spot/ team to Spur.

Horatio Cornblower

No clue. I addition to being the world’s okayest Dad, I am the world’s shittiest commissioner.

I’ll look at it this weekend and try to figure it out. I’ll post something there and here if I figure it out.

ballsofsteelandfury

Cool. Thanks!

Fronkenshteen

I am interested if anyone does not want their spot.

Game Time Decision

same, or if enough interest, a new leauge

Horatio Cornblower

Bringing my youngest to college tomorrow. Doing my part by getting absolutely shit-faced tonight so that tomorrow she can see how impossible it is to function with a 12 beer hangover.

It’s little things like that that have made me a 3-time Father of the Year winner in my own house.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

Fix the cat, fix the odds. It’s simple maths

King Hippo

Lagunitas 12th of Never will make you less angry about sports all. Two out of two Hippos agree.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Do you have a designated driver?
MOOSE!!!! YOU’RE UP!!!!

King Hippo

2 beer over 9 innings plus walk to Union Station plus train ride, ain’t no thing for a fat man with tolerance.

/left pills in car

/jonesin’

theeWeeBabySeamus

You ain’t fat, stop that. And Moose already got yer pills.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, Hippo rape it is.

Horatio Cornblower

I almost bought a bottle of their Hop Stoopid tonight, and then remembered that I literally had two cases of Treehouse and some left over Stubborn Beauty and Hanging Hills already in my basement.

/please come over, I’m so lonely

theeWeeBabySeamus

If anyone is looking foar a last minute FF league to join…laid back, fun, PPR…lotsa fun folks already in….give a shout.
Draft is next wednesday, and we are all pretty good folks. Except for me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anywhoooo…we need one more…

Maestro
Zymm
Brocky
Hippo
Litre_cola
Dont_T
Sharkbait
BFC
ALXMAC
Shogun Marcus
and Me….

We’d all love to have one of you jump in and join us.

Horatio Cornblower

Where do I sign up?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I will send you a link.

Yay!!!!!!!

Senor Weaselo

I’ll do i—damn.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll defer to you Senor. I already have one league to mail it the fuck in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just when I think you Yanks’ fans are assholes you go and be selfless.
Jerks.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s not really being selfless, it’s more that I am strongly considering cutting football out of my life entirely.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep, totally get that. Which is why it’s stupid as fuck for me to have decided to commish this league just to let Brocky kick everyone’s ass again this year.

Spur

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Fronkenshteen

Is it just me or is Bilal Powell pretty good? And Darnold definitely has an NFL arm. What if we DID pony up for Khalil Mack? Oh shit, listen to me…

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, so who caves and masturbates first tonight?
(yep, it’s me)
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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t like the brag but…
/takes deep breath, puffs out chest to an uncomfortably obvious degree
…my wife and I totally had sex earlier, so I’m good!

(wife’s results may vary)

herodotus450

Artist rendition of the lucky couple:
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Horatio Cornblower

Sir, I will have you know that my wife is very real! if you don’t believe me, you can ask anyone from her college, the University of Niagara Falls!

Senor Weaselo

Part of me thinks I need a Canadian lady friend just to make these jokes.
/Thinks about it involving a Canadian girl I actually know
//Heh, no fucking chance.

King Hippo

Ah yes, Friday afternoon sex. Takes the pressure off so you can relax and enjoy the weekend!

/yes, I was married once

Horatio Cornblower

That will be the case this weekend; with her daughter off to college my wife will probably spend the next two days crying, and I don’t have sex with crying women who aren’t strippers I’ve kidnapped from some shitty dive ba…

Oh, fuck. I’m doing that thing where I type out loud again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m presuming that daughter might need some comfort at some point…and….

Oh fuck I’m doing that thing where I type out loud again.

Spur
Spur

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Fronkenshteen

“Weird to not see a 250 lb. rapist kicking for the Raiders!”

– Ho Chi Minh

King Hippo

Well at least them feminazis ain’t chase him out of a job entirely amirite?

– Former MNF analyst

Spur

folks

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sat next to this knockout a couple of times at poker. I find it delightful that she’s dating a Raiders fan.

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Horatio Cornblower

Looks just like all the women in my monthly poker game.

In that I don’t know her in real life.

Fronkenshteen

She looks like she’d share a cigar and a flask of whiskey with you.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ugh

Horatio Cornblower

Me: Boy, Jameis Winston is really raping the lions!

You: WTF are you talking about? He hasn’t been in this game in forever!

Me: What game? I’m at the fucking zoo! Call the police for fuck’s sake!

Fronkenshteen

Amarillo Cooper!

/ Ha! That’s such a great autocorrect, I’m leaving it there.

King Hippo

James will get around to raping the armadillos give the man a little time!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

In today’s Democrats are a mess news: Kerri Harris is a working-class veteran who would be the 1st black LGBT in the Senate if elected. She is against the incumbent, Tom Carper, a 3-term, bank-subservient, pro-war politician who beat his wife. He also casted the key vote killing the public option as he raked in massive campaign cash from insurance & drug companies

Guess who the Democrats are backing, including Bidden?

Horatio Cornblower

Bill Clinton?

King Hippo

Nah, he’s out raping armadillos with Jameis.

Fronkenshteen

We are the third party we need. The no judgement party.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Abigail Spencer purty.

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