Off With Their Heads – Those Goofy Toothed Blue Blooded Bastards

God save the queen
‘Cause tourists are money
And our figurehead
Is not what she seems

Yeah, Sid Vicious – that doomed idiot – had it right. So did Johnny Rotten. So did a bunch of ragtag inbred hillbillies who decided, “Fuck the British we want to be free so we can own slaves, fuck over the local natives, and get richer than Croesus.”

So what the fuck happened? How in the fuck are the Royals relevant in this day? Why in the shit do they mean so much to Americans? Listen Charlie, we got big enough problems over here we need to solve. Like Trump wasn’t bad enough, now we have this raging beast Omaroska, Omaroid, Hemorrhoid, whatever in fuck her name is. Someone please drug her and ship her ass to Antarctica.

I just don’t understand the appeal. Back in the 80s America jizzed its collective pants when this uber dork Charles was able to marry a pretty hot babe. People woke up early to watch the wedding. My mother was one of them. She woke me up. I have never forgiven her. Let’s face it, Di was a royal piece of tail, and she blew the doors off of the establishment by doing serious work with AIDS patients, but she was also close friends with Elton John – the most annoying person on the face of the planet even more annoying than that waterhead Collinsworth. We should shoot him and Omarosa into the closest galaxy.

So these two have two boys, one is really a good looking kid, the other is a redhead, and redheads are genetic defects who see the world through tortured and crazed eyes. Remember when that fuck shit dressed up as a Nazi? Only a redhead would do that, and only a royal asswipe would get away with it.

What good do the royals serve anyway? They have no power, they have no impact on the world. All they do is show up to cut ribbons and mumble and spread their inbred germs over everyone.

Apparently one of these waterheads already has two kids and the other one married some hottie from America. And her dad either doesn’t’ like her, or the royal guy, or everyone. And it’s big news, Kardashian level news. And please, if you are listening god, have every Kardashian bleed out from a super ebola virus. Please?

And wow, are the royals not the whitest bunch of white people that ever were white. You cut open their veins and they’ll bleed mayonnaise. They are all angles and edges and white teeth that resemble miniature tombstones. I’m white, but jesus god in a paper bag, these people make the Osmonds look funkier than James Brown.

The worship only continues. Whenever one of these royal cows shoots yet another bloodsucking termite out of their royal crotch, the entire fucking world stops. What will they name it? What position in line is he or she to get the throne? Um, who in the fuck of all fucks cares?

You want me to care about the royal succession line? Okay, here’s how you do it: every 15 years you get all the royals but the reigning king and queen. You block off both sides of the London Bridge. Every person gets one medieval weapon of their choice. Then they fucking go to town. Last person standing wins.

The rest of those bucktooth, thin blooded, sausage and bean eating motherfuckers can be ground up as fertilizer, shipped to Ireland, and be used to grow next year’s potato crop.

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Moose -The End Is Well NighBrick MeathookKing HippoballsofsteelandfuryBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This a a bloody god damn amusing rant.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

Obligatory:

The Maestro

Secretly staunch Royalist here. There’s a certain amount of (admittedly, probably subconsciously racist) nostalgia I have towards my Head of State, and I enjoy all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with it. Yes, there’s a little bit of taxpayer $$ spent on their existence, but A) the Royal treasuries are technically already self-sustaining due to investments, indexing, etc. but B) due to all the tourism are certainly a net positive for the economy of the Empire.

Elizabeth is all class. I’m kinda meh about Charles (Diana was infinitely more awesome of course), but William and Kate are excellent role models. At any rate, if Donald Fucking Trump can get elected to a job as the leader of a country, you really can’t honestly tell me that a monarchy is a clearly inferior choice as a system of government. Just saying.

Beerguyrob

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ballsofsteelandfury

Are there seriously people that visit England because of the royals? That makes no sense to me.

Then again, I don’t understand people fucking their cousins, so what do I know.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well, send us pics of your cousins.

ballsofsteelandfury

Do you want one where he shows his dick or his ass?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Going with the Sill style of rebuttal I see.

King Hippo

of course, P*ts fan!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Wakezilla

“How in the fuck are the Royals relevant in this day?”

They’re quite the con artists. They sold the public on their symbolism as being important. As a result, they receive millions in tax payer money

But as our society sprints right, it makes sense for a right wing family to get a shot in the arm with nostalgia

Doktor Zymm

I keep accidentally reading that headline as ‘bluetoothed bastards’
If you’re going to get a chip installed, wouldn’t NFC be more useful?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Today would be a lot more fun if I had weed. Just sayin’.
Carry on.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Then again, most days would more fun if I had weed.
Where’s Litre_Cola when you need him?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Calgary?

nomonkeyfun

The Royal events are great for MST3K style commentary when drunk and stoned.
And of course casual racism.

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Senor Weaselo

Wow, they really did a hell of a job on Matt Smith’s make-up.

Ian Scott McCormick

Yeah, but on the other hand, imagine if we had a royal family that Donald Trump had to defer to, in terms of spectacle. It would remove a significant amount of the glamour in being President Big Boy, and turn it into a boring civil service gig. They don’t even get a White House over there. You become PM and they give you a boring ass apartment named after their address.
I don’t know. They do nice charity work, they seem to be a net positive for the British economy, and for the most part they stay the fuck out of the way in terms of policing what you can and cannot do. I’m fine with them existing, even if the most joy they’ve ever brought me was when I caught side eye from my wife and mom for hearing “And here is Harry’s father…” and saying “They gave James Hewitt an invite?”

ballsofsteelandfury

Trump would have already revived the guillotine and made a reality show out of executing royals.

It would make a ton of money because I sure as fuck would watch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

As usual you WAAAAAY over estimate his mental capacity.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Something of a followup to last night: Can you spot Dan Quinn in this photograph?
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Trick question. He’s actually out of frame on teh payphone talking with Pete Carroll and asking for his old job back.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Unrelated, it really pisses me off that we’re in such an echo chamber that this will get dismissed as being something “biased from slate” or “only important to Democrats” when integrity is (or at least should be) a core tenant of jurisprudence: https://amp.slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/09/judge-brett-kavanaugh-should-be-impeached-for-lying-during-his-confirmation-hearings.html

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

The perjury is clear as fucking day, but will be dismissed for being “partisan” or lazily called “fake news”

Redshirt

Agree with fake news. Anyone that’s says that without showing evidence should be punched in the throat.

King Hippo

Kamala Harris fucking nailed his lying ass, and I want her to be the Presidential nominee in 2020.

Redshirt

I’ll take your word on it. I am not trusting either side so I’m avoiding the hearings. I’m filling for “non-voting observer status” or “delegate”

blaxabbath

Yep. Fortunately, we can all pool our entire portfolios together and that’d give us enough financial power to buy influence over just about 1/3 of Congress.

It’s too bad people are too stupid to understand that the wealth disparity has much more to do with, “Hey, I’m happy with what I got so who cares what the ultra-wealthy embezzel, so long as they kick around some brown kids!”

But then I remember that I’m white and will be just fine, relatively speaking, until the bombs go off.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just don’t understand the abortion/birth control thing. Like, if you really hate brown people all that much, wouldn’t you want there to be fewer of them around? I get that you need servants and everything, but that’s what immigration is for! Immigrants can’t vote!

Doktor Zymm

Abortion is the double whammy where you get to dehumanize both minorities AND women. Both obviously animals.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I never got the appeal either
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King Hippo

But shit on Lorde and ah will fight yeeewwwww

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s official, I still hate DFO’ing on my phone.
Don’t take it personally as I hate most sites on my phone.

We’re at physical therapy now, btw.

Imma get soooooo drunk later.

King Hippo

funny, it works fucking fine on a BlackBerry

theeWeeBabySeamus

Smartass, it works fine. But my eyes do not.
Asshole.

King Hippo

yeah, I starting to get that problem too

Beerguyrob

It’s the only thing that does.

Doktor Zymm

I’m heading to the airport, so I’ll drink one for you once I get there

theeWeeBabySeamus

But, but…they have a castle n junk.
Drunken castle parties!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Castles have notoriously inefficient HVAC systems

nomonkeyfun

The cooling systems are crappy, but a well fattened peasant provides plenty of fuel when burned, and they provide plenty of labor before heating season.

King Hippo

I was in the grocery line with my (fuckup pothead) kid last night, and noted “I wish every goddamned Royal would just fucking die already.” She was like “But why?” I was like “they are a blight on 21st century post-enlightenment society.” Not a word I said registered.

This planet deserves what is coming to it.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Giant Meteor 2020: Just Fuck Our Shit Up

King Hippo

Everyone should read “The Last Policeman” book series. As good as anything I’ve ever read. And societal disintegration by inevitable, certain Giant Asteroid death is just what humanity deserves. I couldn’t stop grinning, and not just because of the author’s wonderful dark humour.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It makes me sad that I’ve reached a point where I’ve accepted that no, humanity isn’t going to make it, and the best I can hope for is that our knowledge gets preserved well enough for it to help some better, smarter species advance more quickly (if one happens to evolve).

blaxabbath

Picture: more advanced species

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Senor Weaselo

No, it’s probably better than what we deserve. Unless it’s via the “mass starvation because the dust blocks out the sun, killing the overwhelming majority of crops” route.

blaxabbath

Just booked my flight for CLE at OAK. $11.60 + 25% of my Southwest Points.

Now I just need to find tix and a burial plot.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Please PM me your address so I can ship you some batteries to hurl at Hue Jackson.

King Hippo

You sir, are a true American hero!

Doktor Zymm

Hey, I’m going to that game! I got a ticket in section Black Hole 106

King Hippo

1) Have you selected a costume as of yet?

2) If nae, may DFO help accessorize you as a Group Project? Like Inverse Queer Eye FOAR the Straight Guy?

theeWeeBabySeamus

There better be spikes on the shoulders or I DON’T know youse anymore.

King Hippo

But what Redacteds flair should accompany the spikes? And should they have feminine touches? A Rex Grossman shoutout that only we will get if she makes it on teevee?

These must be considered.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mini Snyder bobble heads on the spikes…like head on a pike style thingy.

blaxabbath

Seriously? Granted I haven’t even started looking yet but I figured tickets in the HOLE would be generally unavailable.

Doktor Zymm

There were plenty when I was looking, and not too unreasonable price-wise either. Might be because Browns

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do you have twenty minutes to learn the secret behind the Royals’ power?

Doktor Zymm

It was way more interesting a few hundred years ago when it was all about murdering, imprisoning, or getting your arranged royal spouse to invade the country of all your other relatives to ensure the succession

blaxabbath

I see you have also been enjoying Disenchantment.

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