Pictured is my new GameDay lucky shirt, found by the slowly redeeming self, also wants to go to NC State now asshole vegan kid, whilst thrifting in Colorado. My very own Donks/Obama hybrid shirt, as endorsed by Democat-in-chief (most cats tend to be pretty conservative, you know), Kruger Adams D***s. Last name redacted to protect his privacy, of course. Do you not give your cat a middle name? Fucking Racist!
Anyway, my new (secondhand) shirt is 1-0, as the Donks overcame three Keenum pickerceptions to take down the SeaTruthers, 27-24. Von Miller played like a wolverine on PCP, and had 5 fucking sacks by my count. Case himself wasn’t all bad, threading Demaryius for an amazing TD, and filling the statline with completion after completion into the slot to new BFF Emmanuel Sanders. Denver also surprisingly split the carries between Royce Freeman and pre-season sensation Phillip Lindsay, with both being quite effective. Overall, I feel great about how this season has started.
Who doesn’t feel great? The Bearistocrats! Oh, how SNF has broken my prophecy into a million teeny pieces. A.A. Ron was carted off with tears in his eyes in the 2nd quarter, as Khalil Mack looked a man possessed. But down the tunnel after ample horse tranquilizers limped a new Willis Reed, and despite a long Chi**** drive to extend the lead to 20-nil, which survived the quarter at 20-3…Rodgers somehow did it. Nagy made a few questionable play calls, and the second half defense was WAY less aggressive, but really it was 99% an amazing individual effort – on one leg – by the best QB to ever play the game. Yeah, I said it. No qualifiers needed.
There were numerous other Week One treats – we got a Draw in BelieveLand! The Ben was absolutely atrocious in the elements (disrupting pre-written meme-based stories), and #ThePauls played great defensive football. But Tie Rod was…unexceptional, and a long kick to win at the OT gun was blocked. Sisters got kissed, but that’s a marked improvement by the Cuyahoga, especially considering they trailed 21-7 in the 4th.
Sticking with Ohio, Cincy finally figured out it needed to ram Joe “Beatie” Mixon down the Humps throat, and the 2nd half was all striped pylons. A late honky safety defensive TD made the score look lopsided at 34-23, but realistically, the Bengals were the far superior side. Indy…is not good. At all.
P*ts beat the 500s by 7 at home. Nobody is surprised, almost nobody fucking cares. NEXT!
The game that killed half your Survivor pool – N’Awlins losing at home to the Hahvahd-led Team MRSA. At one point, Tampa led 48-24. which is just embarrassing. Two TDs and two pointers later, a grand comeback looked possible – until BloodSugarFitzMagic scrambled to convert a 3rd and 11 and seal the deal. The Saints have seemed like a “house of cards” franchise for quite some time, and perhaps 2018 is when it all falls down. Or perhaps this was a one-off.
Janeane Garofolo hopes today was a one-off, because she was fucking AWFUL, and wasted a really good effort by the Tomsulas’ D. I really didn’t like some weak-assed FG kicking decisions by Baby Shanny on 4th and short inside the 20 and 4th and goal inside the 5, first time down 14, second down 11 (and very late). You aren’t going to get much better chances than that to complete a comeback on the road against the Vikings. Understand your leverage situation, please. Neither Alfred Morris nor Matt Breida did very much.
Washington’s Redacteds surprisingly (to me) went into PHX and murder-killed the Cards. Still, FUCK Adrian Peterson, mediocre RB and terrible human being. We should be seeing Chosen Rosen sooner rather than later, Crazy Eyez was embarrassing.
Surprising to the punditry (and not to me), the Chefs went onto some random Los Angeles-area Lesser Footy pitch and kicked the Shitty Clippers’ teeth in. Turns out Tyreek Hill, who was already damned good, is nigh impossible to defend with a real QB under center. And Patrick Mahomes is that, tossing laserbeams all over the place. Kansas City looks pretty legit to me, though the Andy Reid factor shall always linger.
Some games were just shit, though. Buffalo has already given up, and proved it by losing 47-3 to the Ratbirds. Just ponder that a moment. J Peterman? 5-18, 24 yards, 2 picks and a fumble lost. Fuck a duck. I could do THAT.
Dallas went into Hippo’s hometown of Charlotte, and lost a 16-8 snoozefest. Too bad, that’s a really neat score. DAK DAK DAK DAK! mostly ran for his life, looking for nonexistent WRs. Cam was just enough better to not lose. RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT! need not worry about either threatening its pole position.
#OddWeekJaguras announced their intention to still be a thing, and without any more offensing than absolutely necessary. A swarming D that scored 7, gave up 1 big play (long TD run to Saquon Barkley, who seems hype-worthy), and otherwise kept Elisha under wraps was the main story. Just like last season. Oh, and Horny Fourny got an owie, forcing Yeldon to fill in (admirably). Naturally that happens ahead of playing the P*ts.
Last and deffo least, the forgettable Fish/Tits game, twice delayed multiple hours by storms and not even shown at the end of RedZone. Yo Gabbert Gabbert finished for an injured Mariota, which would be the end of TN’s relevance if serious whatsoever. We shall see. In any event, multiple return TDs made for nice highlight viewing for an otherwise shit game. Miami wins at home, 27-20.
Remember, there are TWO Monday nighters, which is all like SPLOOSH as long as you don’t think too hard about who is playing!