Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week One, 2018

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Pictured is my new GameDay lucky shirt, found by the slowly redeeming self, also wants to go to NC State now asshole vegan kid, whilst thrifting in Colorado.  My very own Donks/Obama hybrid shirt, as endorsed by Democat-in-chief (most cats tend to be pretty conservative, you know), Kruger Adams D***s.  Last name redacted to protect his privacy, of course.  Do you not give your cat a middle name?  Fucking Racist!

Anyway, my new (secondhand) shirt is 1-0, as the Donks overcame three Keenum pickerceptions to take down the SeaTruthers, 27-24.  Von Miller played like a wolverine on PCP, and had 5 fucking sacks by my count.  Case himself wasn’t all bad, threading Demaryius for an amazing TD, and filling the statline with completion after completion into the slot to new BFF Emmanuel Sanders.  Denver also surprisingly split the carries between Royce Freeman and pre-season sensation Phillip Lindsay, with both being quite effective.  Overall, I feel great about how this season has started.

Who doesn’t feel great?  The Bearistocrats!  Oh, how SNF has broken my prophecy into a million teeny pieces.  A.A. Ron was carted off with tears in his eyes in the 2nd quarter, as Khalil Mack looked a man possessed.  But down the tunnel after ample horse tranquilizers limped a new Willis Reed, and despite a long Chi**** drive to extend the lead to 20-nil, which survived the quarter at 20-3…Rodgers somehow did it.  Nagy made a few questionable play calls, and the second half defense was WAY less aggressive, but really it was 99% an amazing individual effort – on one leg – by the best QB to ever play the game.  Yeah, I said it.  No qualifiers needed.

There were numerous other Week One treats – we got a Draw in BelieveLand!  The Ben was absolutely atrocious in the elements (disrupting pre-written meme-based stories), and #ThePauls played great defensive football.  But Tie Rod was…unexceptional, and a long kick to win at the OT gun was blocked.  Sisters got kissed, but that’s a marked improvement by the Cuyahoga, especially considering they trailed 21-7 in the 4th.

Sticking with Ohio, Cincy finally figured out it needed to ram Joe “Beatie” Mixon down the Humps throat, and the 2nd half was all striped pylons.  A late honky safety defensive TD made the score look lopsided at 34-23, but realistically, the Bengals were the far superior side.  Indy…is not good.  At all.

P*ts beat the 500s by 7 at home.  Nobody is surprised, almost nobody fucking cares.  NEXT!

The game that killed half your Survivor pool – N’Awlins losing at home to the Hahvahd-led Team MRSA.  At one point, Tampa led 48-24. which is just embarrassing.  Two TDs and two pointers later, a grand comeback looked possible – until BloodSugarFitzMagic scrambled to convert a 3rd and 11 and seal the deal.  The Saints have seemed like a “house of cards” franchise for quite some time, and perhaps 2018 is when it all falls down.  Or perhaps this was a one-off.

Janeane Garofolo hopes today was a one-off, because she was fucking AWFUL, and wasted a really good effort by the Tomsulas’ D.  I really didn’t like some weak-assed FG kicking decisions by Baby Shanny on 4th and short inside the 20 and 4th and goal inside the 5, first time down 14, second down 11 (and very late).  You aren’t going to get much better chances than that to complete a comeback on the road against the Vikings.  Understand your leverage situation, please.  Neither Alfred Morris nor Matt Breida did very much.

Washington’s Redacteds surprisingly (to me) went into PHX and murder-killed the Cards.  Still, FUCK Adrian Peterson, mediocre RB and terrible human being.  We should be seeing Chosen Rosen sooner rather than later, Crazy Eyez was embarrassing.

Surprising to the punditry (and not to me), the Chefs went onto some random Los Angeles-area Lesser Footy pitch and kicked the Shitty Clippers’ teeth in.  Turns out Tyreek Hill, who was already damned good, is nigh impossible to defend with a real QB under center.  And Patrick Mahomes is that, tossing laserbeams all over the place.  Kansas City looks pretty legit to me, though the Andy Reid factor shall always linger.

Some games were just shit, though.  Buffalo has already given up, and proved it by losing 47-3 to the Ratbirds.  Just ponder that a moment.  J Peterman?  5-18, 24 yards, 2 picks and a fumble lost.  Fuck a duck.  I could do THAT.

Dallas went into Hippo’s hometown of Charlotte, and lost a 16-8 snoozefest.  Too bad, that’s a really neat score.  DAK DAK DAK DAK! mostly ran for his life, looking for nonexistent WRs.  Cam was just enough better to not lose.  RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT! need not worry about either threatening its pole position.

#OddWeekJaguras announced their intention to still be a thing, and without any more offensing than absolutely necessary.  A swarming D that scored 7, gave up 1 big play (long TD run to Saquon Barkley, who seems hype-worthy), and otherwise kept Elisha under wraps was the main story.  Just like last season.  Oh, and Horny Fourny got an owie, forcing Yeldon to fill in (admirably).  Naturally that happens ahead of playing the P*ts.

Last and deffo least, the forgettable Fish/Tits game, twice delayed multiple hours by storms and not even shown at the end of RedZone.  Yo Gabbert Gabbert finished for an injured Mariota, which would be the end of TN’s relevance if serious whatsoever.  We shall see.  In any event, multiple return TDs made for nice highlight viewing for an otherwise shit game.  Miami wins at home, 27-20.

Remember, there are TWO Monday nighters, which is all like SPLOOSH as long as you don’t think too hard about who is playing!

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well NighShogun MarcusballsofsteelandfuryscotchnautBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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Shogun Marcus

So homo jokes are A-OK. But pointing them out…no. Or turning them around, no. Huh. Well at least I remember why I don’t post. Standards used to exist.

scotchnaut

Shogun has a point. The “Rodgers is Gay!” meme is a tired and shitty meme that lazy fuckers choose to wallow within.

scotchnaut

Over and above that-cutting someone down by intimating that they are gay? As a community we’re way better than this.

ballsofsteelandfury

I completely agree with this.

However, I haven’t seen where the person attacked below did that on Sunday. If there is an example, I’d like to see it.

Shogun Marcus

The ENTIRE kommentariat? Read. And attack is a bit much. if you can’t take it, don’t dish it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I looked through the Bears thread quickly and could not find it. Could you let us know where it was?

I brought the same thing up once and just said ‘this joke is getting old’ and was replied to by a few as in “No it’s not.” The excuse was something like; it’s a joke against the NFL as in they could never accept a major player who came out.” I guess I don’t buy that in the way the jokes were structured. I was not attacked by anyone. Of course I was the point of several Sill personal attacks for merely disagreeing, so maybe my definition is a bit over the top.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I agree that joke should be put away; it’s to the point of punks calling kids “fag” in junior high school. I did see you get attacked and am sorry it happened.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

P.S. I like your comments and hope you blow it off and keep commenting.

scotchnaut

/son is trying to cook on his own again
//just the other day he scorched the shit out of whatever he had on the stove
/// trying to be helpful

Me: “Try not to burn the salad, amateur!”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The “everything” bagel should be called the “nothing” bagel because it pleases no one.

blaxabbath

I do not agree.

scotchnaut

I’m with blax on this-it’s called the ‘everything’ bagel for a reason. It’s got nudity, a surprise cameo, a sixty-day dry-aged steak, balloons, free health insurance, your parent’s approval, a cold beer and a twist ending you never saw coming! Not sure where you’re getting *your* everything bagels but you’re getting ripped off big time.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

My everything bagel had floor sweepings and a drywall screw.

ballsofsteelandfury

But does it have hard nipples?

scotchnaut

No, silly. They come soft so that I can make them hard. smh.

yeah right

Still cautiously optimistic about Cousins. He dropped a couple of absolute dimes on the TD passes to Diggs and Rudolph but had a couple of head scratching decisions too. This was a perfect scenario because there are some things that need to be cleaned up but they still got the W.
Will accept!

Don T

TEN lost its best 3 offenssive players in that interminable hoperape at MIA. If Yo Gabba Gabbert starts two more games, I’ll sign up for Sunday afternoon yoga sessions.
On the other hand, huzzah Hippo Thoughts! Man I love these.

Don T

Typo(s)? DGAF!

ballsofsteelandfury

On the bright side: hot latina yoga babes!

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Wakezilla

Hnnnnnngh

Shogun Marcus

This comment was moderated for hatefully targeting another Commentist.

Fronkenshteen

God DAMMIT I can’t wait for Ted Cruz to lose.

nomonkeyfun

“Please let him win. Could you imagine having to spend more time with that freak?”

-H. Cruz

SonOfSpam

It would give him more time to hoard ALL the soup.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, and people giving O’Brien shit for not calling a time out on Gronk’s catch can go eat a bag of dicks – it’s NOT his job to have timeouts left so he can save the booth from their own ineptitude. That’s the league’s responsibility, not his.

Fronkenshteen

Someone should’ve known to stay down with an “injury”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kansas City looks pretty legit to me…

Says everyone every year until their first playoff game.

Fronkenshteen

Tyreek looked like Raghib Ismail at Norte Dame.

blaxabbath

Hill to go down with a noncontact injury in 3…2….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And then go bankrupt?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Seriously, Hill choked out the Chargers’ D like they were pregnant with his child

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kind of crazy that in a single game it was simultaneously proven that:

1). Khalil Mack is absolutely worth that much money.

2.) NO defensive player is ever worth that much money.

Fronkenshteen

I never saw a game where, for one half, a team looked like they were going to win the next 3 superb owls, then melted like cotton candy in the rain.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

At the end of the day, it’s a pretty simple question of control. As a coach, you can make sure your best offensive player has the opportunity to make plays. You can’t do that with a defensive player.

ballsofsteelandfury

Actually, you can if you call blitzes and other plays that give your player one on one matchups he can exploit.

Playcalling killed the Bears.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

3rd and 2 in the red zone with less than three minutes left, your opponent is out of time-outs, RUN THE FUCKING BALL

Fronkenshteen

Over / Under on proven dollar amount laundered through Trump Organization, RNC, and NRA? I’m seriously asking for a reasonable amount here. $500 billion?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll take the under. It doesn’t cost nearly as much as you’d think it would to get someone to betray their own country.

blaxabbath

Which is why we need to repeal the House Apportionment Act. US lower house reps have 7x as many constituent as other democracies. So, not only can they not statistically interact with the bulk of their constituents, we also have too few bodies to buy off.

Increase the number of bodies in the House by 7x and watch how quickly common sense reform takes place. And don’t say one fucking word about gridlock or “won’t be able to get anything done.” You’re seeing one party control the majority of every federal lever plus most state level positions — and we’re barreling towards….the results of their governance.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That plus ranked choice voting so we can end the stranglehold of the two party system.

Fronkenshteen

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I like the French system.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I think I should get two votes.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’m betting Il Duce Formaggio was willing to do it for compromising information and one of those whale penis leather Russian SUVs

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Is it whale penis leather or is it endangered whale penis leather? There is a difference.

Fronkenshteen

Murdercat just laid down on the banner photo.
https://goo.gl/images/UxKPsF

blaxabbath

Re: Crazy Eyez

ARI has no roster. Like, they don’t even have a #1 WR. Seriously – before yesterday, they had guys scheduled to come in this week for roster try outs. But the D being unable to contain a gap or make a tackle (I understand AD is not the easiest guy to bring down but every handoff cannot go for a BEASTMODE) doesn’t support, once again, a basically immobile QB being forced to play catch up from the first quarter.

My wife asked why ARI was so bad. I said the ownership. She asked why. I explained how Keim must have been drunk while building this roster. Wilks must have been overhyped coming from a defensive-minded franchise in CAR, and the overall culture of this team is forever generic, uninspiring, and not an enticing FA destination. She didn’t get how that was the owner’s fault and then suggested the Times fabricated the Trump Op-Ed.

I’m sending her ass back to work because this daytime TV is obviously frying her brain. If you can’t see why a Simple Bidwill product will never be 3l33t, then you can at least go comtribute to our bank account.

Still, it was great to have FOOTBAWL back.

Fronkenshteen

Ratbirds still all hot for Kenneth Dixon, or were they just trying to save Alex Collins for Thursday night? Seemed awfully reactionary to bench the guy for fumbling in a goddamn rain storm. I only have a 3rd round pick riding on it.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Ahh, Instant Hippo thoughts help make Monday mornings so much more bearable (trying to think of another word than bearable since after last night there is no way the the Bears are able).

Fronkenshteen

DAK! stinks. He was completely exposed during Zeke’s suspension. That last drive with 2:00 left was a fucking embarrassment. Bring on the Cooper Rush era!

blaxabbath

Given his track record of roster building, JERRUH should just talk CLE into bringing on Jimmy Johnson so Jones can just buy that team, win a couple SB’s, and then fire Johnson and say he won those titles single-handedly.

Or he can bring back the Krakken. Either move will bring a SB title to DAL in the same timeframe.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, and…
Kruger Adams D***s Fo’ Presidentin’, 2020!!!

(it’s a very presidential name)
((and let’s face it, he couldn’t do any worse than…well, ya know))

A DEAD BIRD IN EVERY POT!!!!!!

blaxabbath

“Kruger you say?”

-Stephen Miller, turning his attention from experiments on Hispanic twin infants.

Doktor Zymm

Other than jetlag making me miss the end of the Bears Bearsing it up, this was a very satisfactory opening Sunday!

ballsofsteelandfury

Also WCS brought this perfect example of what the Browns represent to our attention:

https://mobile.twitter.com/billbarnwell/status/1038894665804775424?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1038894665804775424&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fkinja.com%2Fajax%2Finset%2Fiframe%3Fid%3Dtwitter-1038894665804775424%26autosize%3D1

The text reads: The Browns are +5 in takeaways today. Since the Browns returned to the NFL, teams with a turnover margin of +5 or better in a game are 132-4-1. The Browns are responsible for two of those losses and the tie.

Doktor Zymm
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Click on the downward arrow in the top right of the tweet box for the embed code:

ballsofsteelandfury

This is all you need to know about Los Angeles and football:

Shitty Clippers attendance: 25K
USC attendance last week: 58K
UCLA attendance last week: 54K

América v Chivas fútbol friendly at the Coliseum on Sunday night:

Over 65,000.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Wait, they played a soccer game in the Coliseum even though there’s a brand new soccer stadium right next to it?

SonOfSpam

Brand new soccer stadium doesn’t hold 65k

blaxabbath

That is actually more than I need to know about LA Football.

Wakezilla

That’s an inflated Clippers attendance

theeWeeBabySeamus

Some games were just shit, though. Buffalo has already given up, and proved it by losing 47-3 to the Ratbirds.

So you’re saying I shouldn’t overreact and book hotel accommodations in Atlanta for early February just yet????