Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

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Spur

Mahomes is no Checkdown Chief.

King Hippo

he good, I been trying to tell u imaginary ppls

Spur

You dont have to tell me. I went to Tumbleweed Tech.

Fronkenshteen

Oh I listened. He’s my starter today

Doktor Zymm

Oh yeah, I forgot about Kelce. I hope he acts like a complete ass again this year!

Horatio Cornblower

That’s probably the safest prop bet in the history of gambling.

Gratliff

I think Nelson Agholor just got called for roughing the passer

Gratliff

Is this the game I start making “YOU VIKE THAT” comments? Yes. Yes, it is.

...

You know, people say flying is a miserable experience nowadays, but they have TV now! That means football! It can’t be that bad.

*only game available is Dolphins-Jets*

...

This is the middle seat in economy of football games, folks.

Doktor Zymm

Is Patrick Mahomes at all Irish, or did his parents just like the name?

Wakezilla

Considering he’s half black, his last name is probably a little bit sadder than that.

Wakezilla

A limping Tannehill coming off the field. He hasn’t even shown that he could be a starter yet!

Smithchez

But this year is the year he finally takes that next step! Or was that last year? Or the year before that? Or the year before that?

Wakezilla

*sigh* Yeah. . . It sucks that the only people who can’t see Tannehill was never going to be anything beyond Andy Dalton light are in charge. Not surprising a franchise that asked Dez Bryant how much his mom costs can’t evaluate talent

Smithchez

Pass………..rush…..?

Wakezilla

No, no pass rush. It’s more Miami not having an O-line and Sitton being out for the season.

herodotus450

Leveon Bell coming back the week after the Stillers get eliminated from the playoffs and Ben gets shut down for the season would be pretty pretty sweet.

Wakezilla

In all honesty, him sitting out a few games is smart. Pittsburgh doesn’t want to commit to him, he might as well save the wear and tear of a full season. As long as he’s in game shape and doesn’t miss a step, he’ll be sitting pretty when he returns

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jamison Crowder is my third favorite Crowder. First is Ava, second is Boyd.

Doktor Zymm

He’s my second favorite Jamison!

Horatio Cornblower

Team Winona

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It would be a tie between Ava and Boyd but Joelle Carter was very nice when we accosted her while she was buying coffee so it puts her over the top.

Horatio Cornblower

Cousins on the bottom of a four-man pile-up.

It’s like I’m watching an Appalachian family reunion.

Doktor Zymm

If he hits you it means he likes you!

(but seriously, don’t actually tell your daughters that, abuse != love)

tomsellecksmoustache

“Why can’t my linemen take note?”

-Aaron Rodgers

LemonJello

“Judges?”

/holds hand to earpiece

“We’ll allow it. We would have also accepted ‘Alabama Family Reunion.’ Make your next selection, Horatio.”

Horatio Cornblower

I was trying to offend as wide a geographical area as possible.

Fronkenshteen

How can you replay that trickery TD without showing Crazy Special Teams Coach celebrating?

fleshwound_NPG

first alex smith pass i’ve seen this year

of course, a checkdown

fleshwound_NPG

2nd pass…2 yards on 3rd and 5

LemonJello

“Alex Smith has the biggest hands of any QB in the NFL, even bigger than mine!”
-Herr Charlemango

tomsellecksmoustache

One more series like that from the yinzers and I’m turning off the game and opening my copy of Bob Woodwards literotica.

Fronkenshteen

All The Congressman”s Aides:
A real “Page-turner”

tomsellecksmoustache

Yeah, looks like time to peel off that dust cover and turn down the lights.

Spur

i just noticed my FFL opponent as all 10am starters.

King Hippo

you will noe what u have to do!!

King Hippo

Erotic….non-smashmouth??

Doktor Zymm

Punt punt bo bunt

Redshirt

I think the Chiefs may indeed be better than the Browns.

Smithchez

JAGURA TRICKERY!!!!!

Edit: Wait. no. TItan trickery

Horatio Cornblower

Holding on 69.

Buddy, if you can figure out a way to do it without holding, I am all ears.

Redshirt

I’ll go to the lab with my assistant and figure out an answer.

Horatio Cornblower

Sounds like the beginnings of a late-night Cinemax feature.

Senor Weaselo

I believe that’s how they made the Monster Mash and OH MY GOD it was an orgy the whole time.

Spur

If Kissing Cousins wants me to like him, today is the day to do. Light up the scoreboard.

Horatio Cornblower

The Packers defensive strategy of ignoring the guy with the ball seems questionable at best.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ignore him and he’ll stop bothering you” never worked for me either” – Eli Manning

King Hippo

Take THAT, wing-eating heathen cockwallets!!

Redshirt

Don’t say that Fox Sports Lady Voice. I picked the Eagles!

Fronkenshteen

You can always count on the skins to be overconfident because the dc media spends all week blowing them

King Hippo

A lot of guys in my survivor pool are DC-based, just praying a handful chose the ‘Dacteds this week

King Hippo

SIGH. Almost got Ebron off waivers. ALMOST.

fleshwound_NPG

LUCKDOWN

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Since the [REDACTEDs] are on the airport tv, I think I’m ready for boarding.

Spur

Rodgers just fell to the ground immediately when he saw the big sweaty men closing in on him.

fleshwound_NPG

fat humps with…a running game?!?!?!?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s not that Josh Allen is or isn’t ready. It’s that Josh Allen isn’t either Nathan Peterman or Colin Kaepernick.

herodotus450
Doktor Zymm

How weird is it to see KC with a good QB?

herodotus450

All it took was for someone to make a typo in their weekly schedule so it said “BBQ Meeting” and Andy Reid actually showed up and paid attention.

King Hippo

#ThePauls!!! QuestFORTwo (ties)

Fronkenshteen

WHOO

Fronkenshteen

Let’s go Mahomes!

Spur

Go Red Raiders!

King Hippo

This may be the year Yinzburgh falleth apart

fleshwound_NPG

that locker room is ready to implode

Redshirt

Don’t tease me Hippo. I’ve been waiting my entire life for that.

Either put out or get out.

Doktor Zymm

They don’t have all that much by way of youngins on the team

Horatio Cornblower

Packers-Vikings or Dolphins-Jets is the easiest decision I’ve ever made since deciding to wear a condom during my vacation to Haiti while wearing my Good Idea jeans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Show of hands, who else has a house full of rednecks keeping you from watching footbaw?
Just me then, I guess.

No good deed goes unpunished. Trynna help my niece, but she shows up with other niece, other niece’s husband, and all their fucking kids. So now, instead of watching footbaw, I’m handing out money and cooking for everybody.

Family sucks.

Smithchez

Man, fuck that. You invite people over, you’re the host. If they show up with other people, that person you invited is responsible for any and all hosting duties. Let your niece know that, grab a drink, and relax.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh I’m dranking, trust me.
My niece is moving out of an abusive relationship currently however, so I gotta be nice.

King Hippo

yep, my house, I am divorced, nobody MAKE ME DO A GODDAMNED THING

LemonJello

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theeWeeBabySeamus

And no, Jaime Pressly didn’t show up. Imma have to go looking for her I think…
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Horatio Cornblower

Loved her in ‘My Name Is Earl’

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m about to drag the dog outside and give him a bath, if that makes you feel any better.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/smells self

Can I be next?

Horatio Cornblower

Well, OK, but I’m using the power wash setting on the nozzle and you gotta stay 15′ away at all times.

Doktor Zymm

Can’t you just stick all the kids in the backyard, and chuck em some fruit rollups or something later on?

Redshirt

If its a Hurricane victim, you’re doing the right thing, but you’re only responsible for food and shelter. If they need money, refer them to their claims adjuster.

LemonJello

Captain Luck and his mounted troops against a tribe of aboriginal North Americans. This may not end well…

Redshirt

“I like their chances.” – Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer

Fronkenshteen

I love that twitter account

Gratliff

Welp

King Hippo

BloodSugarFitzMagic!!!

Smithchez

How art thou doing, motherfuckers?

LemonJello

Good Afternoon!
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Spur

yo

Redshirt

C’mon on Browns and Steelers! Keep the dream alive! 0-0-16!

Gratliff

So we’re just going to make sure A.A.Ron ends up in a wheelchair this season I see

Spur

I thought he was more fruit then vegetable.

Fronkenshteen

SEVEN HOURS!!

LemonJello

Did you try some of Snoop’s dick pills?

Doktor Zymm

I think whole grain garlic mustard is my favorite mustard.
Now hurry up and kickoff Chiffs/Stillers dammit!

yeah right

I’ll bet that would be tasty on a grilled bratwurst.

Now I’m hungry.

Redshirt

2nd page of Comments and the games haven’t kicked off yet. Great Week 2 Effort to all!

Gratliff

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Fronkenshteen

No commercial!

Fronkenshteen

BOOOOOOOOO!!!