Unless you’ve been hiding under a mouse pad all day-and I know you haven’t been because HR has been very explicit regarding that no-no in the past-you may have trouble digesting the copious amounts of news popping up on your Zeke Elliot-inspired, NFL-centric “Feed Me! News Feed”. The trials and tribulations of various larger-than-average individuals earning wages (not so fast, Vontae!) in the sport that we adore/abhor have been quite interesting indeed…
Vontae:
Who among us hasn’t wanted to kick a career to the curb after suddenly realizing that the skill set that you relied on just doesn’t cut it anymore? Mr. Davis had the courage to channel J-lo and announce, “ENOUGH!”.
Josh:
Who among us hasn’t been given a sixth or seventh chance and waltzed into work higher than Sergei Bubka? You and I know there’s always another employer willing to spin the wheel and give us another chance. That’s just the way life is.
Jon:
Who among us hasn’t said, “every time God breaks my leg and ankle, he opens a window”. The silver casting on this god-awful injury is that Jon won’t bear any of the blame for the Giants atrocious O-line play for the rest of the season. When next I see him on the sidelines I’ll shout, “hey look, it’s citizen with a cane!”.
Bears/Seahawks:
Sure does look as though Seattle has seen better days. There’s still talent in some spots on the roster but it might be time for a mini-rebuild and if that happens I don’t think Coach Melting Beams is going to reap the rewards victory-wise. Will K-Mack be able to overcome the play of Truth Biscuit? We shall see.
Jump in one and all-there’s a shit-ton to yak about.
This game is going to end 7-0.
this game is gonna end 3-0
Dangeruss gonna get killed if his O-line doesn’t stop their impression of Metro turnstiles.
This would please my money league side greatly.
This Mack kid is good.
#BFIB extend the lead to 6-2. Looking like your Wild Card, Bitches!! opponent, Chi****
“IT DOESNT MATTAH! THA SAWX AREH GOIN ALL THE WAY!”
Tawmmy about 6:45pm last night.
fucking nagy, you run there
Oh fuck off, that’s a small window and you fuckers know it. christ.
-M. Trestman, sitting outside a split-level suburban home, in his van
First-drive Mitch Trubisky makes Russell Wilson look like rest-of-game Mitch Trubisky.
“Listen to the roar of Soldier Field.”
*groans, flatulence and creaking seat cushions fill the airwaves*
Cushions? They give those away at the gate?
My sentiment about the Bears is that they’ll have 1 or 2 impressive wins, 2-3 embarrassing and/or shockingly stupid loses en route to an 8-8 season that leaves no one satisfied.
This would make my prophecy wrong.
I would legit kill for 8-8 after Fox and trestman
*monkey paw finger closes*
Truth Biscuit throws right to the Sea Truthers? I smell a conspiracy
That was very underthrown. Sex cannon goes deeper than that.
Sex Cannon: Beating corners and cervixes.
https://gfycat.com/elementaryadoredbluetonguelizard
What the hell happened to gfycat? i demand HD gifs, post image loses some of that
this is Russell Wilson’s shitshow!
I never knew Wilson was German.
Is the thing shitting on someone or getting shit on?
THE SAFETY GODS DEMAND A SACRIFICE!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz7RGARtAgc
Fun* Fact**: Danzig was one of the midget standins for the LOTR movies.
*: very fun
**: For legal purposes, an alleged fact.
How many weeks until they move Booger up into the booth and Witten is only allowed to speak once a quarter?
Today, during a piano lesson, a conversation I never thought I’d have:
7-year-old female student: “Can I tell you a secret?”
Me: “Sure.”
Student: “Well… ok. Well I have no easy way of telling anyone this but… I have a crush on Batman.”
Me: “Batman?”
Student: ”Yes. He’s the boy who sits next to me in school. I can’t remember his real name, so I just call him Batman.”
Me: “I see.”
Student: “And you know what? He’s not supposed to know that, and he doesn’t… but guess what? I found out that he has a crush on me too.”
Me: “Well how do you know?”
Student: “He sits next to me during carpet time too. And I whisper into his ear that I love him, and he doesn’t stop me. But then again, maybe he’d have to come to my wedding, then. That’d be WEIRD.”
Me: “Yes it would. Now let’s try and play this line again…”
Dear Scholastic Digest Forum:
“I never thought it would ever happen to me…”
COMMENT OF THE NIGHT!!
This is about correct.
“5’8” Taylor Gabriel is literally under the Seattle D’s radar!”
“Don’t get me started on this radar!” – Pete C., (undisclosed)
LUNCHPAIL = DRINK VODKA FROM THERMOS
The Andy Reid Coaching Tree has to be mesquite, right?
Andy Reid’s Coaching tree is a never-ending chocolate waterfall. smh.
Let it be known that folk singer Leonard Cohen was no one-hit wonder. Hallelujah!
“Amen!”
-Suzanne
“He’s the second coming of these three guys.” – Jason Witten
MNF turned into gay bukkake porn so gradually, I hardly even noticed!
You obviously don’t remember the 70’s when at halftime Alex Karras would buttfuck Frank Gifford while Gifford was licking Howard Cosell’s asshole while Cosell narrated the highlights from Sunday’s games.
What drugs were you taking in the 70s?
I was on the MNF crew in the 70’s. We were all on coke and poppers, and I mean everyone.
Mrs. Cola “Oh my God a kicker kicked it through the uprights.”
“Don’t they have to pass it that close to the goal line?”
-P. Carroll
Tonight I’ll be interested to find out whether Matt Nagy knows he still has to continue to call plays after the first drive.
I bet all his players call him Naggy Nagy.
That was nifty!
Howdy, folks. Anyone wanna make a wager on how many beers I need to drink in order for all this marking to do itself?
All of them?
How many do you have? That’s the number I’d go with.
If you’re just marking you should cut across the wrist.
I see BEERGH is in attendance tonight.
Our Lord thinks titties are noble and deserving of kisses, too.
Does this ref have early onset dementia? He’s sporting the Trent Green “Thousand Parsec Stare.”
Nancy Sinatra was remarkably prescient regarding all these fucking re-boots going on these days…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbyAZQ45uww
I lost to Maestro in a DFO league by .38
Fucking kickers.
Whats going on people?
Seeing what’s better at fitbawl: kissin’ titties or nanobubbles.
So hungry. Anyone snacking?
mint chocolate chip frozen yogurt just a-waitin
I benched my Chicago D as I had already won my matchup in my $$$ league. My opponent has cursed me and said i went against the fantasy gods. I am up by 4.
Have I forsaken the gods?
I was debating doing the same, in almost the exact same circumstances – I’m only up by 3.5.
A win is a win. If all hell breaks loose and I lose then I would be choked.
Only when the margin is within 1 do you need to worry about adjustments.
No, that is just common sense.
Nope, that’s fair play. Tell your opponent to worry about his own shitty team.
You’re just taking a knee and running out the clock and they are trying to get you to start the Bears in case they go in the minuses
It’s kind of funny that an NFL player is in hot water for insider trading, meanwhile a federal court judge is the one who is facing attempted rape accusations.
Looking glass, we are through it here.
And lying under oath.
I’m just kidding. Nobody’s holding him to that. And why would you? They’re just considering whether to offer him a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court bench.
Still trying to figure out how on earth Rapey mcjudge can even be considered from Supreme Court when he has “allegedly” raped. Kind of a bad look
This is the party of “legitimate rape”. People were content to ignore or laugh at the ghouls in power when they were talking about women’s bodies magically rejecting rapist sperm and shit, but not systematically destroying each one of those fucks is how you end up with a morality swing this extreme when power shifts to the other side. They will forgive ANYTHING to get what they want passed, and shitheads like Kavanaugh can bank on getting what they want as long as they check the right boxes. It’s not cognitive dissonance or hypocrisy or even stupidity. It’s an uncompromising march to their vision of liberty or God’s kingdom or whatever they want to call their ideology and you can do literally anything short of molesting children as long as you vote the right way. The fucking party of Denis Hastert routinely comes up with ways to call Dems the party of pedophiles and the only reason is they want to win and don’t give a fuck about anything else.
Whut’s the o/u tonight on the number of people Kahlil Mack embarrasses on the field?
So, we’re not counting any Raiders executives or staff, right?
He gon’ feast
Hillary Clinton, whose net worth is $45 million and who said on the campaign trail that single-payer “will never, ever come to pass,” asks for crowdfunding assistance for her former staffer’s medical expenses. Hilarious.
I left a job I hated about two years ago. The dick hole boss asked for notes on my accounts. Notes? I’ll give you the whole damn song.
I filled each line in Excel with the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Didn’t even need to look them up online.
Good, but this would have been better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i2eK8pkueM
Does that mean we can start calling you DJ Jazzy Ian?
Sorry, Bears. I have to root against you tonight for draft purposes.
Aren’t you a Raiders fan? Shouldn’t you want them to win?
But…
Don’t you want the higher pick?
Crowd exercising their right to bear arms.
When I am elected dictator 4 lyfe, any non-ironic use of the phrase “twitter mentions” will be swiftly and uniformly punished with a kick to the crotch followed by a live burial in a mass grave. Those types don’t deserve a flashy death.
DID SOMEONE SAY ELECTRIC DICTATOR FOR LIFE???
http://www.bdsmprisons.com/new2/content1.sexforsure.com/2012/12/13/5/pics/4.jpg
I got bigger plans than this game tonight, folks…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E55TZrp4eO8
You do you, Mr. Carradine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0zEkiQ5biI
Well the alma mater has hit the big time of athletics!
https://retriever.umbc.edu/lawsuit-alleges-umbc-sexual-assault-coverup/
I found out today that Jason David Frank AKA Tommy the Green Ranger from the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers lives in the same Houston suburb I do and teaches karate classes.
I am extremely tempted to go and have him sign a picture of me wearing his costume for Halloween circa 1996.
Surely you mean “have him sign my shot-by-shot breakdown of every episode he is in detailing which scenes are him, and which are taken from the original Japanese show that was repurposed mostly for the figtht scenes.”
Or maybe that was just me.
I cut a few early Power Rangers! We would take the Japanese episode, cut out all the scenes with Japanese kids so there were just the Power Ranger robots or whatever the fuck they were, cut it back into something interesting, and then they would give it to the writers to write a script, and then they’d shoot new scenes with multi-cultural group of kids up in Santa Clarita and cut those back in. Then they’d get a composer to score the episode wall-to-wall but pay the composer as work-for-hire; Haim Saban would keep all the music rights money from all the broadcasts and he is now a billionaire.
Well what else would you expect from a Saban?
Also, who’s brilliant idea was it for the only black kid to be the black ranger?
Those decisions were above my pay-grade.
Probably the same guy who made the Vietnamese girl the yellow ranger.
And technically wasn’t the red ranger part Native American?
I did not know that one. The really were multi-cultural!
On the positive side, the #BFIB are up 3-nil in Sherman’s Ashes-land, and no prospective Supreme Court Justices tried to rape me today!
Really? Dressed like that, and nary a molestation?
Day’s not over yet.
BEHIND YOU!
You should write a book, Hippo. People need to know about the [DID NOT TRY TO RAPE ME].
Wales, 1676:
i assume this whole post was to make the “Citizen Kane\cane” joke. well done.
The local-oriented NBC sports channel is running a show called ‘Quick Slants’, and I can’t stop thinking that this is what Bill Parcells would call his favorite porn if he had a premature ejaculation fetish.
Mitchy Loves Titties vs. Russell Only Loves Betrothed Titties
But he loves large single asses
Tell her to haul ass, she’d have to make two trips!