Your “Stare Into The Abyss That Is The NFC East” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.

-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche

 

These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!

Schmeagles/Jizzants:

Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to  be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.

Have at it, kiddos.

 

 

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Ooh, Cards and Broncos. Can’t wait. Hope there will be a baseball game on.

jjfozz

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

o7

litre_cola

Well this was quite a pleasing beginning.

jjfozz

Also, GOTDAMN!
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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

jjfozz

Also, what’s up bitches!

LemonJello
LemonJello

Sup, Fozz?
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King Hippo

We HAS ManningFACE!!!

jjfozz

MY TEENAGE SON, I CALL HIM TRUMP BECAUSE HE YELLS A LOT FOR NO REASON, MAKES NO SENSE, AND SOMETIMES I WANT TO PUNCH HIS MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTS OUT!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Only sometimes? You may want to run a DNA check on Fozz Jr.

jjfozz

Seriously, the amount of times I want to completely hammer hte shit out of htis kid is beyond measure.

King Hippo

you just be grateful you don’t have teenage womenfolk

SonOfSpam

Those are chained up in the basement.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“On the whole, I’d rather be in Cleveland.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Preach it, Brother Hippo!

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King Hippo

Smallwood WOO!! Him or ErtzDOWN, please.

SonOfSpam

I also have Smallwood.

In addition, I am starting Wendell Smallwood on my FFL team.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.”

I’m cool with that.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Iggles gonna go 3 and kick the FG?

King Hippo

the fuck was he looking at there? He was BLANKETED

litre_cola

FUUCKKK YEAAAHHHHHH, suck on that Eli. No pudding pop for you.

Redshirt

You can’t fight the derp; you can only delay it!

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Theeeeere it is.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, that didn’t take long.

King Hippo

Elisha gon Elisha

Gratliff

Holy shit. Elisha is only 10-17 against Philly? All time best Sad Eli moment is still his first time under center. Fucking annihilated.

Gratliff

He was so spry back then. Lookit the little tyke move those feet before getting fucking destroyed.

Redshirt

New rule: If a call gets overturned, the refs get fined for the missed call.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Eli pumped he’ll be the one to turn it over

hippofant
hippofant

ALL HAIL HIGH PROPHET GATORAIDS

Redshirt

Are you a god?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Growing up with a Giants fan dad, I have been to exactly one Giants game in nearly 30 years, and if I want to see someone play I’ll just wait until they play the Jets and pay three times less. Or spend nothing and avoid Metlife Stadium entirely, which is what I do.

Gratliff

So close to kickoff derp

Redshirt

___________, just keep using these special uniforms perminately. No questions will be asked.

litre_cola

I would really like all kelly green for the Eagles, Randall Cunningham style.

The Maestro

I know we asked questions about other guys, but it’s pretty clear by all the sweat that LT is now unquestionably made completely of cocaine.

King Hippo

if’n he stops, he’ll die

also, time to derail teh REO Shitwagon!!

litre_cola

He stated that he did not smoke the crack cocaine.

Redshirt

I always assumed his body adapted to process the cocaine to be used as a powersource. Like sugar.

Redshirt

Yes! I did it! I finally beat Mega Man X! Something I never did growing up!

God, I need to get laid.

Gratliff

Now beat last form of Sigma in X-2.

LemonJello
LemonJello

NEEEEEEErrrrrdddddssssss!
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King Hippo

Marty McFly’s dad is reffing the Guns Up!! match.

Redshirt

Which one? The geek in the deadend job? The cool author? The evil gambler?

King Hippo

the meek goober one

litre_cola

Evenin. Micheal Strahan is a gap toothed mimbo. I disliked him on the field but really can’t stand him post playing career. Oh good it’s Troy and Joe Buck.

/checks to see if there is a french broadcast.

There is not.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I have a chance to see Connor McDavid live this Saturday, or I can wait until March but seats are much cheaper.

Beer and my credit card will decide that.

King Hippo

pickerception WOO!!! Why u try run it out? Dumb shit.

King Hippo

oh motherfucker, I have to fade teh Saquon in my money league tonight.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Is Michael Irvin made entirely of cocaine now?

King Hippo

Guns Up!! is giving Hippo teh sads

Gratliff

Scientists say we have 20 years left. I say that’s entirely too long.comment image

LemonJello
LemonJello

How many Secret Service agents were just out of frame when this was taken?

hippofant
hippofant

George Bush doesn’t care about black people.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I’m black (and those of you who have met me can verify that I’m as close to the exact opposite as is possible) I’d certainly prefer an indifferent GWB to the current shitheel in the White House, who actively hates black Americans.

King Hippo

ur black in SPIRIT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fuck Kanye. Please don’t give him attention.

Gratliff

He’s reached that impressive level of present day douchebaggery where his entire discography is unjustifiable in public.

King Hippo

I can proudly say that I never liked anything about this fucker, and considered him a living embodiment of what is wrong with modern “rap”

litre_cola

This has to be performance art.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

He might not have 20 days left.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Has a previous year’s Super Bowl winner ever become so completely irrelevant so quickly after a title as the Eagles have this year? I’m not talking about teams that got *bad*, I’m talking about teams that became so thoroughly mediocre that you can’t generate a single iota of interest in them whatsoever.

Gratliff

Tampa Bay to this very day

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

DUCK!comment image

herodotus450
herodotus450

Denver went pretty meh after they won and lost their quarterback, Mike Glennon.

King Hippo

I think the year after Our Equine Lord and Saviour retired, Donks WOO!!! were super Brian Griese 8-8.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

But gave the Testaverde-less Jets their first win of the season in ’99 at Mile High I believe.

King Hippo

this sounds about right

herodotus450
herodotus450

[Reads post]
[Applies secret Scotchnaut ™ brand decoder ring]
[Reads post again.]
Heh, yeah, Boo Leafs is right.

Gratliff

This is now a Chelsea Green/Laurel Van Ness/Hot Mess appreciate thread. Sorry, but those are the rules.
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LemonJello
LemonJello

I am intrigued by your theories and wish to subscribe to your ̶u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶t̶i̶e̶s̶ ̶s̶u̶b̶s̶c̶r̶i̶p̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶v̶i̶c̶e̶ newsletter.

King Hippo

All these match.com ads are depressing as fuck. Women like that SHOW UP in like the first 2 hours your profile is active, sure! You’ll never get a response from any of ’em, though.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Or you will get a response and they will look nothing like their picture because either it was from 12 years ago or it is actually of a different person. I went through a lot of lying lasses before I met my wife. The funny thing is she didn’t even have a pic on her profile, but I liked her profile enough to contact her. Married 12 years now and am actually happy.

King Hippo

It’s very important to Hippo that Los Gigantes fall in love with Justin Herbert. Ryan Finley belongs in Donks WOO!! mango and orange.

Gratliff

I don’t usually go for the thinner types, but Chelsea Green’s body seems physically impossible.
comment imagecomment image

And she even occasionally carries herself in a way much more relateable to the kommentariat.
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King Hippo

youse MOAR fat-bottom girls make the rockin’ world go round?

Gratliff

Sticking strictly to the squared circle types, I’m more of a Jordynne Grace man. comment image

Gratliff

And one I expect to use later:comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I almost worked a full day today. Back to bed.

King Hippo

I had a nice, long hurricane nap. Wish I could just sleep all day, except when FOOTBAW is on. Fucking international breaks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You sound like my cat except for the work part.

King Hippo

Guns Up!!/Bloodeyes is a tantalizing alternative, plus I have moneys on it. Guns Up!! wins, and I have scrilla FOAR Saturday again (same applies to BEAR DOWN FOAR MIDTERMS Friday night, has $50 ML on each).

/will still watch, bad NFL is still NFL

//is worst division by a factor of 10, one can see why all they games must be national teevee

Wakezilla

Well, I see I can easily skip tonight’s match. Thanks NFL!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Jizzants? That’s what got me sent to that therapist when I was a kid…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, during your FORMative years?

/because ants are classified in the family Formicidae, see…

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