Your “Stare Into The Abyss That Is The NFC East” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.

-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche

 

These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!

Schmeagles/Jizzants:

Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to  be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.

Have at it, kiddos.

 

 

Please Login to comment
263 Comment threads
331 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
39 Comment authors
UnsurprisedWakezillaMoose -The End Is Well NighBeerguyrobFronkenshteen Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eli needs to be put out to pasture. Or at least given a glass of Ovaltine and sent to bed.

King Hippo

“Tell me about the rabbits, big brother!”

WCS

Olivia only gives him warm milk after 18:00.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Kyle Lauletta Time?

Gratliff

Only 5 missed tackles on that 15 yard punt return

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Too bad Ereck turned out to be more fertilizer than flowers.

Brocky

Guess it runs in his family

Spur
Spur

tossing saladcomment image

Brocky

Man the giants are so boring they’re trying yo make sentiment about matt millen.

and by god its WORKING

Ian Scott McCormick

At least now it’s Janoris himself getting killed at home.

litre_cola

Uhhh Banner this man.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Oh, Buddy approve

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Giants are a floating barge off of Staten Island

trollsoharduniversity

The difference between the Giants and barge floating off of Staten Island is that the barge is only partially garbage.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

And I have had drunken sex with someone associated with one of those things!

Spur
Spur

which one smells better?

Gratliff

Relegate the G-men

King Hippo

can nae even blame Fiona Apple for that one

trollsoharduniversity

Is Mike Tirico an NFL ref now?

King Hippo

impromptu hook and lateral!

Gratliff

*ladder

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

If only Artie Lange’s dad had a good one.

King Hippo

I disagree, as designed, tis a hook route with a lateral at the end. I believe the “ladder” version to be a misnomer. This is much argued on teh interwebs.

Gratliff

Correct.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Usually when a Barkley cuts through Philadelphia with reckless abandon, it’s a drunk Charles leading the cops on a chase from Parx Casino.

litre_cola

Darby has turned into the player he was advertised as last year.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Eli can be sponsored by both Pampers and Depends after this game

trollsoharduniversity

The Giants gameplan seems to be give it Saquan and pray…but not too much because the Eagles might catch on to that

Gratliff

Eli is a sleeper agent

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eli’s favorite sleeper:
comment image

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

And it has a dropseat for when he has to make an Ereck Flowers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow that RIP Mom handcast…how do you think Adrian Peterson’s kids would memorialize him on their bodies?

Gratliff

THat’s what the scars are for

LemonJello
LemonJello

They already have the welts and scars as reminders.

Gratliff

Appreciate you also diving into the abyss with me here

Brocky

was that ereck flowers?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Odell Beckham looks like a prototype for the “Raggedy Andre” doll.

King Hippo

oh, u noe Hippo laugh

trollsoharduniversity

I haven’t been around much, but I just logged in to say that JESUS FUCKING CHRIST the Giants are fucking terrible. Usually when your starting RB has 140 total yards midway through the second quarter, you’re winning.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m a big old liberal and that was a clean fucking hit

Gratliff

PERSONAL FOULD PERFET FORM TACKLE AND ROLLING SLIGHTLY TO AVOID PUTTING WEIGHT DOWN I HATE YOU MOTEHRFCUFAKLJSFAK:LSFAKJ:LFKJ:LKJ:L

Spur
Spur

You think Eli even talks to Beckman?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

They tell him he’s a black anthropomorphic Raggedy Andy doll who just runs and catches things.

litre_cola

So we all agree that this is Eli’s last season right?

Spur
Spur

no at least two more with, Arizona, [*Redacteds], Miami and/or Argonauts.

Eli loves maple syrup

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you have Amazon video, I highly recommend switching to the Spanish broadcast of this game. It is WAY more fun.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Ooooh I always wanted to know how to say “washed-up” in Spanish.

Spur
Spur

Trade Saquan Barkley for two 1st rounders

Horatio Cornblower

Barkley dodges bigger men with the skill you’d expect from a kid out of Penn State.

trollsoharduniversity

You are a sick fucking genius sometimes.

King Hippo

He’s also used to creepy fucks like Buck ogling his calves and thighs ,, ppl forget that

Col. Duke LaCross

Banner material!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I submitted it before it even had any +1’s.

King Hippo

How can a team have that dude and be SO AWFUL?

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Once again ask Barry Sanders

Brocky

actual quote from people watching barry sanders in the 90’s

Brocky

holy shit what a timely reference HAHAHAHA

Brocky

wait…… a frist round rb can do a good?

Gratliff

The New York Saquan Barkleys are still showing some life

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

just snap to barkely

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Did the Giants trade for Alex Smith and just not let anyone know?

litre_cola

They wish they had captain checkdown at this point.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t been that disappointed in a muff since…well, honestly, I’ve never been disappointed by a muff before that.

jjfozz

“Muffs” how did a slang word for vagina also become a term for making a mistake? It’s like saying “He pussied that punt”.

Gratliff

i mean….

Brocky

well, when you think about it, about roughly %50 of all words in the lexicon have a sexual connontation, there are a lot more confusing

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza
Spur
Spur

Does Eli Apple have any friends?

Horatio Cornblower

Isaac Newton?

Horatio Cornblower

We used to play this one flicking the pieces with out fingers, and by the end of the game your fingers hurt like hell.

Kids are stupid.
comment image

Gratliff

OBJ is gonna get fucking murdered on one of those

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Can’t be any worse than this current hair style.

Spur
Spur

comment image

Careful with that Axe Eugene
Careful with that Axe Eugene

If she was a golf course she would be a par 3. 3 strokes and you’re done.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why is Charles Barkley still talking? Again, he’s about as substantive as Melania.

litre_cola

Don’t you bully her!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can tell that Bad Times at the El Royale movie is terrible solely based on the font size of the critics’ names, which I can’t even read on my gigantic TV.

jjfozz

I’d rather watch a babbling alzheimer’s patient shit into a bowl and then eat the shit and shit it out again than watch this movie.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“Four Stars!” says Khalid Sheikh Muhammad

Brocky

comment image

jjfozz

That is fucking MONEY

King Hippo

bitchin’ almost 3.5 YPA!!

jjfozz

My cousin had this game, my parents would NOT buy it for me. And I hated them for it.

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/waits for Buddy

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Keep waiting, pervert!

I only play Money Shot

Spur
Spur

Is it wrong I want the Giants to win this? Once the Eagles are below .500 all the Pro-Trump crap Carson Wentz does will come out. FUCK HIM.

Col. Duke LaCross

Pat Shurmur, ladies and genitals!

jjfozz

Lucille Ball endorsed this game, and it fucking ruled. I punched my cousin in the face over this game.

comment image

Gratliff

Real pool was a sad imitation of tabletop pool toys.

Horatio Cornblower

I preferred pocket pool.

Brocky

be honest, you were just looking for an excuse to punch your relatives

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Giants fans appear to be disappointed with that result, and would have preferred that Eli hurl it into triple coverage.

Gratliff

Did Eli just not bother telling anyone he retired?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Bobs “fixed the glitch” where he keeps winning games.

Spur
Spur

Eli loves playing Checkdown

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

3rd and 16 checkdown? Good jerb Elisha.