Your “Stare Into The Abyss That Is The NFC East” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.

-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche

 

These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!

Schmeagles/Jizzants:

Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to  be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.

Have at it, kiddos.

 

 

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Andrea Kremer-Hannah Storm broadcast of this game has Charles Barkley calling into the booth right now. He is adding exactly as much as you would guess.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Seriously, the guy brings less to the table than an anorexic at a potluck.

King Hippo

None for me, thanks!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or Andy Reid at a potluck after he was stuck in traffic for half an hour on his way over.

jjfozz

Brag time: last week, the football team we played has this great tradition where the coach of the opponent awards kids from teh other team “MVP”. So my son, who is built like a tank, got the MVP for offense. And my heart was happy and I had a man tear. And then the coach from the other team came up to me and said, “I am putting together an all star team to play in a tournament, I’d like your son to play with us.”

Yes, I know, it’s just u-10 football, but wow, what a great feeling when your children accomplish good things in sports. Plus, this coach could NOT have been more gracious, genuine, and completely doing it becuae he loved the game.

Who says youth sports is a bad thing?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Todd Marinovich

blaxabbath

No shit backs are jumping all the time; any high shot ends up being a flag so every defender ends up low enough to hurdle.

Spur
Spur

Has Flowers jumped the stands and choke Eli yet?

WCS

He tried, but was called for a false start.

blaxabbath

Broncos. Cardinals.

Tune in to see who got nicer jerseys.

jjfozz

“We might be in Jersey but we got better jerseys!” that’s going on a fucking tshirt because it was so bad it was great.

Horatio Cornblower

Us and Colombia tied 2-2 in Lesser Footy Friendly action.

At least one of you degenerates has money on it.

King Hippo

I would have bet on Coca Bros., but out of moneys until/unless Guns Up!! and/or Bear Down FOAR Midterms wins.

Spur
Spur

Folks

jjfozz

Salam!

Horatio Cornblower

Mole man.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Yer majesty.
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Horatio Cornblower

Hours of fun, sending cars flying into each other and into the walls, then lying about the holes in the wall to Mom. ‘I dunno, mice?”
comment image?v=1525933800

jjfozz

God, that picture makes me so happy.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I had different holes in my walls to lie to my parents about.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game is on Amazon prime but is also optional viewing, right?

jjfozz

I built models, most of them ended in smashed plastic wrecks. this was one of them

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Horatio Cornblower

When I finished my model of the Bismarck it looked remarkably like it actually does right now.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Most of mine fell prey to firecrackers. In retrospect, I guess I’m lucky to have use of both of my eyes.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I still build models. I don’t destroy them with a BB gun and firecrackers anymore, but gottdamm did I when I was a young LemonJello.

Spur
Spur

Apache heli and M1A1 were all Spur built. My mom was worried i was huffing the glue.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I love the school advertisements during the college games. They’re trying to make Lubbock fucking Texas look appealing. The only thing to do there is drive to Amarillo to look at the tree. At least the town isn’t dry anymore.

WCS

“The” tree. Sounds about right.

blaxabbath

:Nods and grins :

Chip Kelly

litre_cola

Oh wow is this something.

Gratliff

“Come to Tulane! There’s only a 30% chance your dorm will be underwater in September!”

Spur
Spur

before Our Lady of the Lake, Spur was a Red Raider, always will be

jjfozz

“nobody’s got better jersey’s than us”

Wow, i think someone might need a ghost writer. cause that was fucking stupid.

blaxabbath

Seriously? A commercial where Troy Aikman is disinterested in what someone else is ranting about?

2018 has broken irony.

Gratliff

Somebody needs to torch Tide

LemonJello
LemonJello

There are a lot of confused Klansman that are conflicted by this statement.

King Hippo

You mean Bama? Sad thing is…they’s easily gonna be the most likable team in the playoffs. I struggle to see how ANY of Clemson, ND, and tOSU fail to get in. The only ranked team Clemson plays the rest of the year is fucking NC State, at home (and possibly if Miami makes the ACC title game). ND plays NO MOAR ranked sides. tOSU plays B1G opponents, so…no. Just no.

jjfozz

Tide fans love: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Capitals, basically any frontrunner. They all can eat shit and die.

blaxabbath

OBJ got ramen for hair.

jjfozz

My uncle gave me this game and it fucking made my life complete

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I bought the porno from a junkie when I was 14.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I had the sequels, Rear Admiral and Stern Shot.

King Hippo

Man, are Los Gigantes liquid shit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So we’ve had ribs the last two nights. I think tonight we’ll have rib fried rice.

Pretty awesome to get six full meals out of $20 worth of ribs.

King Hippo

Andy Reid looks at screen as if he’s just seen Bigfoot

jjfozz

Another motherfucking classic

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I’ve been inside a Buffalo Wild Wings once, and man was that Cansius female soccer player flexible.

WCS

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King Hippo

is it just me, or is she even MOAR BEAUTIFUL this season??

Horatio Cornblower

It’s not just you.

LemonJello
LemonJello

O, HAI!
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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

comment image?itemid=5565790

Horatio Cornblower

Oh hi, WCS
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jjfozz

I’ve noticed that sometimes when you post a jpg using “copy image location” the picture posts fine. Other times, it’s just the link that shows up.

What kind of wizardry is this?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s got to be https to post.

herodotus450
herodotus450

And even then, sometimes imgur links don’t work.

jjfozz

Ah, makes sense. I will look for images with that prefix.

Gratliff

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Today is National Coming Out day, brought to you by Closet Factory

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought it was sponsored by Buffalo Gals.

Horatio Cornblower

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Gatoraids
Gatoraids

that trash touchdown as to be ajayi rip so many of my rbs this year

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pace yourself with the shots, man, it’s only the first quarter.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

warp speed to fantasy oblivion

Gratliff

These Gints sure have it in for Clement

King Hippo

PUT IN SMALLWOOD!!!

litre_cola

No you heathen, Clement please.

King Hippo

My consolation is money league opponent has Alshon AND Clement on his bench.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Why bring up my junior prom now?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Post-concussion Wayne Chrebet had an interesting reminder to have sex with his wife.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe it’s explained earlier, but why did that guy have like five golf balls on the ground?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

He’s a broker, I assume he’s a cheating whore.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ain’t nothing wrong with playing multiple balls!” – Brandon Marshall

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Broker? I NEVA EVEN FUCKED HER!

jjfozz

Jesus christ, they don’t make ’em like this anymore. WHAT A FUCKING GREAT GAME!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z5H8XT5o_0M/UAdRAtJPa_I/AAAAAAAABkY/UWgy69t2kX0/w1200-h630-p-k-no-nu/2012-07-18_17-10-24_751.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow! It’s like Stratego but with two levels!

Horatio Cornblower

I fucking loved that game.

jjfozz

The game pieces were so amazing.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Boo no safety

King Hippo

Why is Elisha still in the game? Even Aikman is shitting on him.

Horatio Cornblower

When you say “Why is Elisha still in the game?” do you mean this game specifically, or just still playing in NFL despite clearly being toast.

King Hippo

YES

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Think about last year. I can tell you from experience that when you’ve embarrassed yourself by pulling out too early, there’s a tendency to overcompensate in the other direction and keep it in too long until there’s an unfortunate explosion.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Eli taking the eagles on his back

jjfozz

Last night my wife brought home a 12 pack of Guiness Blonde, and a 18 pack of 16 ounce Miller Lites. We then had sexy time.

All of that good fortune caused the stock market to go down like a 10 dollar hooker.

My apologies to the world.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Just tell me that you shot the Miller LItes with a M1911 .45 as foreplay?

jjfozz

I’ll admit, I drink the hell out of Miller Lite. Sure there’s time for good beer but i want to dull the living hell that is my life.

King Hippo

Miller Lite isn’t like Bud Lite (tasteless but gets you drunk), it has a very particular taste that people either love or hate. One of my drinking buddies from law school (crazy fucker from Baton Rouge) always ordered Miller Lite or “whatever you have that tastes most like Miller Lite.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Pabst Blue Ribbon is my go-to cheap beer.

King Hippo

playing cards, I would always get 4 16-oz cans of High Life.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

KY-JELLY CAN’T MELT GLASS BOTTLES

Horatio Cornblower

I can usually get laid after my wife has 30 beers, too.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I agree. My wife’s dick is tough to manipulate in that state though.

Horatio Cornblower

7-3 and we’re not out of the 1st quarter yet? What NFC East wizardry is this!?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Don’t worry. There won’t be much more scoring from here on out. The celestial scales will balance everything out.

Horatio Cornblower

Sounds like my Prom.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Are we alternate reality duplicates?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“Buddy, no I actually like you”
“Bullshit, everyone says thaatttt. Wheresss the fucken Draino jungle juice?”

jjfozz

I spent the evening of my senior prom drinking somethign called “Peaches and Cream” along with malt liquor in teh back of a ryder truck, cursing women with my good friend Tony Serafini. Later on, I made a drunken pass at someone else’s date.

King Hippo

Guns Up!!/Bloodeyes could go into the half at 7-3. I’m scared.

jjfozz

My all time favorite monster

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Horatio Cornblower

C’mon, man; she’s not that bad-looking.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

that tip pass aroused sir lazerface congratz to the wife on their next spawn

jjfozz

We made a new team at work – i hate that fucking word – and I’m in charge of two millenials. One is so goddamn great that she’s gong to be fucking presdient one day.

The other is a good kid, but he’s kind of . . . a pussy. So I have to instruct him and teach him that his job is his job. He can’t do what he really wants to do. But this position is actually perfect for him.

I’m going to be a good coach, and teach him, and push him a little. Then I’ll probably shove a fucking candlestick down his throat and skin him alive.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Fair.

Gratliff

So how old are these kids, because millennials are like 40 now

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

real millennials call a 40 year old a boomer

jjfozz

I don’t know, maybe 30s? I really want to pass on meaningful lessons and teach them. I want them to know that sometimes life sucks, but you have to rise above, bust your ass, and fucking succeed. Plenty of people did it for me, and I want to do the same. But Christ, they can be so fucking sensistive.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

BUDDY VIRGIN EARS CAN’T HANDLE MEAN SWEARS

/cries into my Fortnight Deluxe set

Gratliff

I’m only 30’s myself, but I also came up working night shift stocking shelves and stacking lumber, so my skin is acceptably thick. I’m never sure what to make of the whole thing. On one hand, I don’t think people should have to work in an environment they’re not comfortable in. On the other, they need some kind of armor against basic fucking banter. Maybe a half-semester college course their freshman year where a boomer calls them a dumb cunt for 6 weeks. My pet peeve with the youngin’s, and this may be more the earlier 20’s types than the millenials, is this inexplicable acceptance and deference to authority and stupid rules. Way too many fucking snitches among the Youths and way too much threatening to tell on people.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“Way too many fucking snitches among the Youths and way too much threatening to tell on people.”

J. Paterno journal entry, 11/9/11

Redshirt

That 2nd kid describes me scarily good.

King Hippo

Millenial women, in general, are my favourite people to work with. They get where business is going better than anyone, and are sponges for learning. SUPER proactive and whip-smart.

Part of it is they have had to overcompensate for the dispshittery of their male cohorts.

Gratliff

FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL

Gratliff

saquon barkley is by far the 2nd toughest person to bring down in the hitsory of Penn State football

— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) October 12, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

SonOfSpam

/rhythmic clapping sound

King Hippo

feet tangle is not a penno. Also Hippo did NAWT NEED a SaquonDOWN this early in teh fantasy evenin

jjfozz

Because i can’t cry all the time.

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Great. Now I’m thirsty.

jjfozz

So today, a local university named a white guy to be the head of a school that was named for a black woman. There is so much butthurt going on, it’s unbelievable. Students are saying they will not attend classes, even if they are required, to protest. So, when they fail for being complete cuntheads, their parents will demand they all get passing grades.

Fucking kill me.

SonOfSpam

That’s what they get for going to West Oprah State.

King Hippo

Is this man adequately woke??

jjfozz

He was the best person for the job. The other candidate, a black woman, dropped out because she got a better job.

Redshirt

This is what drives me nuts about today’s protests. In the past, they protested over a grave injustice. Now they protest if they don’t get exactly what they want.

King Hippo

It’s also why I’m not super big on “protest culture” in general.

Gratliff

Fuck. That could be a solid meme.

jjfozz

It’s so goddamn pointless. Our country is fucked.

Redshirt

Unless that protest is being led by a past-over more qualified black candidate, unleash the firehoses.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Liberal identity politics are so fucking stupid. Then again, liberals are fucking stupid and identity politics is 99% worthless nonsense that doesn’t actually address systemic issues because the people pushing them aren’t actually trying to fucking fix anything.

King Hippo

It’s like anything – it can be carried way too far. Like it is here. There is nothing wrong with taking issues of race, gender, LGBT equality into consideration. You just don’t turn things into a circus that makes it look like RWNJ lies actually have some foundation in reality.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s like how intersectionality was supposed to be a tool for solidarity and instead it got weaponized into more narrow and particular tribalism of groups in groups in groups. Because we’re dumb and easily manipulated.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Of all the fucking hills to die on, spoiled white kids pick the worst every time.

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

saq hop speed

SonOfSpam

“Now Elisha, you give that ball to your friend Saquon every time, okay?”
“HIS NAME IS SILLY!”
“Just do what I say Elisha.”

King Hippo

I foresee lots of handoffs

litre_cola

More than a Thai massage parlour?

jjfozz

1. Find person who created fortnight.
2. Rob him blind.
3. Heat up iron rod.
4. Insert it so far up his fucking ass he spits embers.
5. Relax with a tall cold Todd Haley

Gratliff

I mean, it’s not a bad game, but goddamn, children.

jjfozz

It’s completely taken over my kids, and I battle it every night. So, my fault I guess.

King Hippo

eh, like everything else it will burn out on its own eventually. Best to leave it be.

Redshirt

Someone at work talked to me for five minutes about that game. I’ll never get those five minutes back.