God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.
-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche
These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!
Schmeagles/Jizzants:
Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.
Have at it, kiddos.
Gotta love how the media is back peddling so fast now that one of their own, Khashoggi, has disappeared at the hands of Woke oppressive dictator, Mohammed bin Salman. How could they have ever known his 10000 year reform plan was full of shit?
So, now that we’re apparently 25 years away from the Earth melting us all, it’s time to hunt down all these crooked politicians lobbyists who fucked us all, right?
#Maketheguillitinegreatagain
blood in teh streets WOO!!!!
Just saw a news story about two Texas (natch) rednecks who were taking selfies of themselves holding handguns against both themselves and each other at a shooting range. This is MURIKCA.
Who hasn’t taken a selfie during a Mexican standoff?
I need to stop being an asshole, especially towards you all.
Dude, we are ALL assholes, of various stripes and rationale. Just spend MOAR time in clubhouse, ok? We likes ya!
Hey now. I’m more of a dick.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32iCWzpDpKs
Wait, Los Gigantes actually called TIMEOUT??
It’s only a three-score game, it’s still close!
Now that Hulk Hogan has tweeted at Troy, I look forward to the Iron Sheik calling him a jabroni.
This offensive line protection brought to you by Rohypnol
Night Folks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdFCD3oXMZo
“Didn’t do anything to break the penetration of Cox.”
We’re entirely done with phrasing, in case you were wondering.
Ohhhh so the Giants OL has just been roofied for three years.
Elisha is in solely for punishment at this point, yeah?
Wooof
How the hell is there still 12 minutes left in the Iggles game? I’m not even watching and it feels like this game has been on an eternity.
The Big Twelve-ish game finished (PHRASING!) much more quickly!
I like that, even on the NFL Fam Shop commercial, the Giants fan is just a lame white guy in a purchase that doesn’t fit well.
Blood Eyes QB … not as good as advertised.
Playing this game it’s clear the developers went all in on the barbarian power fantasy by throwing dozens of battleaxes, greatswords, and hammers. Meanwhile I’ve been using a bo staff called Prejudice since early in the game and I’m absolutely wrecking demon faces.
Lesson of the day: Prejudice always wins.
::Looks at any ad paid for the Republican National Commitee::
“Checks out”
WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GUNS UP!!! muthafuckas
So… Kayne is absolutely insane.
You marry Kim Kardashian and see how you hold up.
I’d imagine the dehydration would make anyone go crazy
(From banging the ever loving shit out of Kim K, you see)
Rays of a feather….
shitty “rapper” too
uncle kanye
Does Kanye have a new album out? No? Then why is anybody paying the least bit of mind to his attention-seeking antics?
FUCKING SHIT
Is Wentz really good or is Pedersen a great coach? I
MAYBE
Needed JV BLEERGH there. Sad Hippo.
She must have given one hell of an oral interview that blew the executive director away
EXTREMELY BIG TITS CARDS ARE AWESOME
Ah, the ol’ injury-commercial-end of quarter-commercial, gotta love it!
at least I still have a chance v. Maestro in DFO ball
It’s funny, I saw NYG is 4-1 and I could swear their win was over ARI. It’s HOU but that’s how bad ARI is this year; I can remember them getting beat in games they haven’t even played.
who wins the piss match Pat Schurmer or Ben Mcadoo?
ah love a good shank when it benefits my #ACTION!!
Goddamn. Blaxito has been crying since I got home at 4. Only relief was a walk, a shower, and feeding (which he’s barely eating). The Mrs called from work a bit ago asking what was going on with him (we had been texting) and I was quite short with her. She’s heading home now and I guess I’m gonna owe her an apology…AGAIN.
Nah babies make you short with each other. She gets it.
if she’s 1 in maybe 20, she gets it. The other 19…are holding that grudge in for the perfect moment.
It happens. Apologize, and then start drinking, NOT the other way around, as tempting as it is.
A little scotch on the gums oughta shut him up. My parents did that for me when I was teething, and look how I turned out!
Now I’m picturing Horatio’s parents filling his entire mouth with scotch to make sure some gets on his gums.
No, that’s what I do now, just to forget.
He’s not to teething yet.
Litre’s book just says I’m fucked til Tuesday.
Heed the warning. He became a lawyer.
this is life on repeat until you sign the divorce papers
So don’t have kids? Got it
Make the apology sound sincere, or risk your lack of contrition becoming fodder for unrelated arguments years later.
I’ve been told.
It’s tough and we’ve all been there. Be strong and know that this all passes (way too fast, and then when you have a two year old tyrant who does shit to purposely piss you off, you’ll yearn for the days when your kid could not move). How old is Blaxito at this very moment?
This may do nothing, but when ToddlerZilla was a new born, whenever we couldn’t figure out what the shit was wrong with her, we put on Queen’s We Will Rock you fairly loud. It would keep her quiet for a little while. Sometimes if we turned the vacuum on or had white noise, that’d help.
12 weeks, 2 days
12 weeks is around the time Blaxito is due for another mental leap. Maybe Blaxito is going through a stormy patch that’s making him grumpy. This is around the time they notice their environment can alter, IIRC
How’d you get Darren Sharper’s home videos?
they made the awful alert sound for a “HIGH WIND” warning that included a county in goddamned Maryland. Are you kidding me? Let me hear mah sportsball. I give zero fucks.
Are we sure that wasn’t just the wailing souls of Giants fans coming from New Jersey?
I can do that.
Sure, but she looks better doing it
hey now, Ayo ain’t even put his pics up yet!
need photos
If they reverse this Guns Up!! score, I am killing myself. Back to Balls Thoughts Monday.
too bad, suckers!!!
Smallwood puts it on the ground, please give it to Clement.
they actually closed schools here for tomorrow. A 2nd day. It’s not even goddamned raining anymore.
Trump’s America
Snowflakes
No no, that’s what they’re lacking!
4/10 does NAWT respect teh sun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGlJgU9x8tM
Free Barkley
Guns Up!! had 1st and 10 on the Bloodeyes’ 12. They ended up goddamned punting.
DUDE BRAH KOACH K LIKE WHAT THE EFF BRAH BRAH LIKE BRAH FER REELS BRAH THE EFF?!
Koach Kilff Kingsbury: Offensive Geenieus!!!11!1!
ah need a win, can nae wait until damned fake moneys come through to bet again. Need to scratch that itch ASAP!!!
Hail JV BLEERGH?
Spur want, let her use the Jerri Blank voice….
Unfortunate thing – Paul has morphed into a goddamned Trumpist and David can hardly stand to speak to him anymore.
commercial shows a generic tower
oh look the effiel tower
commercial shows a common gazelle
oh look a giraffe!
commercial shows the New York Giants
oh Look an NFL Team!
Erin Andrews gets paid $2 million a year from fox, they could have kept Tony Siragusa for $2000 and a buffalo wild wings gift card.
who has bigger tits?
The Goose. Duh.
LET SMALLWOOD HAVE ONE
FORTUNE IS UNKIND TO TEH OWNERS OF SMALLWOOD 🙁
Ugh, I knew a girl who looked exactly like her. We flirted for a while and then drifted apart and nothing came of it. One of my greatest regrets.
Speak of Bojack. Amy Sedaris was smoking hot when she was younger and crazy cute now.
my hairdresser (the Sedarises are from Raleigh, you know) is best friends with Paul Sedaris’ wife, and finally got to meet her at the Sedaris beach house a few years ago. Hero worship would be putting it mildly.
I’ll read David Sedaris books just for Amy stories.
Introduce me
David’s books are awesome. I re-read the “Jesus Shaves” story every Easter and “4 to 6 Black Men” every Christmas.
fix it
It’s imgur; no fixing that shit.
imgur SUCKS!
THERE WE GO!
Plus the Comedy Boner Factor bring that up even higher.
Guns Up!! has completed their fucking over of Hippo. Goddamnit.
h
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