Your “Stare Into The Abyss That Is The NFC East” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

God is dead. So why not watch a bit of the old football? It’s not like I’m going to judge you.

-Friedrich “The Funky Philologist” Nietzsche

 

These two wet, stinking dogs are gonna give us many reasons to laugh and joke and cry (that’d be me, mostly). TO THE GAME!

Schmeagles/Jizzants:

Both these squadoos are looking to TURN THEIR SEASON AROUND! according to all the narratives out there. The return of qb Wentz was supposed to have given the Philly side a B12-like shot in the arm but he’s 1-2 as a starter and now he’s without rb Ajayi who is on the IR with the old torn ACL. Will Smallwood or Clement pick up the enormous amount of slack? Remains to be seen. Rumours abound that the front office will be trading for Bell or McCoy or perhaps re-animating the corpse of Wilbert Montgomery. When reached for comment Montgomery said, “I’m not dead yet!” He was promptly clubbed over the head by someone that had an eerie resemblance to Howie Roseman, general manger/necromancer of the Eagles. Philly must have this one because out of division the likes of the Panthers, Saints, Rams and Jags lie in wait. Not pretty. The good old ESPN ran a hit piece on old (so very old) Eli that pointed out that he sucks. The immobile weird face-maker is on pace to  be sacked 51 times and his QBR the last two seasons averages out to a paltry 46.5. (that’s really bad) Let’s hope the Giants take this one so that the NFC East will resemble a logjamclusterfuck for many weeks to come.

Have at it, kiddos.

 

 

Please Login to comment
263 Comment threads
331 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
39 Comment authors
UnsurprisedWakezillaMoose -The End Is Well NighBeerguyrobFronkenshteen Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Wakezilla

Gotta love how the media is back peddling so fast now that one of their own, Khashoggi, has disappeared at the hands of Woke oppressive dictator, Mohammed bin Salman. How could they have ever known his 10000 year reform plan was full of shit?

comment image

Wakezilla

So, now that we’re apparently 25 years away from the Earth melting us all, it’s time to hunt down all these crooked politicians lobbyists who fucked us all, right?

#Maketheguillitinegreatagain

King Hippo

blood in teh streets WOO!!!!

WCS

Just saw a news story about two Texas (natch) rednecks who were taking selfies of themselves holding handguns against both themselves and each other at a shooting range. This is MURIKCA.
comment image

Senor Weaselo

Who hasn’t taken a selfie during a Mexican standoff?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I need to stop being an asshole, especially towards you all.

King Hippo

Dude, we are ALL assholes, of various stripes and rationale. Just spend MOAR time in clubhouse, ok? We likes ya!

Wakezilla

Hey now. I’m more of a dick.

King Hippo

Wait, Los Gigantes actually called TIMEOUT??

Senor Weaselo

It’s only a three-score game, it’s still close!

Senor Weaselo

Now that Hulk Hogan has tweeted at Troy, I look forward to the Iron Sheik calling him a jabroni.

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

This offensive line protection brought to you by Rohypnol

Spur
Spur

Night Folks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

“Didn’t do anything to break the penetration of Cox.”

We’re entirely done with phrasing, in case you were wondering.

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

Ohhhh so the Giants OL has just been roofied for three years.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

Elisha is in solely for punishment at this point, yeah?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Col. Duke LaCross

Wooof

Spur
Spur

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

How the hell is there still 12 minutes left in the Iggles game? I’m not even watching and it feels like this game has been on an eternity.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

The Big Twelve-ish game finished (PHRASING!) much more quickly!

blaxabbath

I like that, even on the NFL Fam Shop commercial, the Giants fan is just a lame white guy in a purchase that doesn’t fit well.

Spur
Spur

comment image

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Blood Eyes QB … not as good as advertised.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

comment image

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Playing this game it’s clear the developers went all in on the barbarian power fantasy by throwing dozens of battleaxes, greatswords, and hammers. Meanwhile I’ve been using a bo staff called Prejudice since early in the game and I’m absolutely wrecking demon faces.

Lesson of the day: Prejudice always wins.

blaxabbath

::Looks at any ad paid for the Republican National Commitee::

“Checks out”

King Hippo

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GUNS UP!!! muthafuckas

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

WCS

So… Kayne is absolutely insane.

Horatio Cornblower

You marry Kim Kardashian and see how you hold up.

Wakezilla

I’d imagine the dehydration would make anyone go crazy

(From banging the ever loving shit out of Kim K, you see)

blaxabbath

Rays of a feather….

King Hippo

shitty “rapper” too

Spur
Spur

uncle kanye

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Does Kanye have a new album out? No? Then why is anybody paying the least bit of mind to his attention-seeking antics?

King Hippo

FUCKING SHIT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

Is Wentz really good or is Pedersen a great coach? I

WCS

MAYBE

King Hippo

Needed JV BLEERGH there. Sad Hippo.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Wakezilla

She must have given one hell of an oral interview that blew the executive director away

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

EXTREMELY BIG TITS CARDS ARE AWESOME

Senor Weaselo

Ah, the ol’ injury-commercial-end of quarter-commercial, gotta love it!

King Hippo

at least I still have a chance v. Maestro in DFO ball

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

blaxabbath

It’s funny, I saw NYG is 4-1 and I could swear their win was over ARI. It’s HOU but that’s how bad ARI is this year; I can remember them getting beat in games they haven’t even played.

Spur
Spur

comment image

Spur
Spur

who wins the piss match Pat Schurmer or Ben Mcadoo?

King Hippo

ah love a good shank when it benefits my #ACTION!!

blaxabbath

Goddamn. Blaxito has been crying since I got home at 4. Only relief was a walk, a shower, and feeding (which he’s barely eating). The Mrs called from work a bit ago asking what was going on with him (we had been texting) and I was quite short with her. She’s heading home now and I guess I’m gonna owe her an apology…AGAIN.

litre_cola

Nah babies make you short with each other. She gets it.

King Hippo

if she’s 1 in maybe 20, she gets it. The other 19…are holding that grudge in for the perfect moment.

WCS

It happens. Apologize, and then start drinking, NOT the other way around, as tempting as it is.

Horatio Cornblower

A little scotch on the gums oughta shut him up. My parents did that for me when I was teething, and look how I turned out!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Now I’m picturing Horatio’s parents filling his entire mouth with scotch to make sure some gets on his gums.

Horatio Cornblower

No, that’s what I do now, just to forget.

blaxabbath

He’s not to teething yet.

Litre’s book just says I’m fucked til Tuesday.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Heed the warning. He became a lawyer.

King Hippo

this is life on repeat until you sign the divorce papers

Sharkbait

So don’t have kids? Got it

Don T

Make the apology sound sincere, or risk your lack of contrition becoming fodder for unrelated arguments years later.
I’ve been told.

Wakezilla

It’s tough and we’ve all been there. Be strong and know that this all passes (way too fast, and then when you have a two year old tyrant who does shit to purposely piss you off, you’ll yearn for the days when your kid could not move). How old is Blaxito at this very moment?

This may do nothing, but when ToddlerZilla was a new born, whenever we couldn’t figure out what the shit was wrong with her, we put on Queen’s We Will Rock you fairly loud. It would keep her quiet for a little while. Sometimes if we turned the vacuum on or had white noise, that’d help.

blaxabbath

12 weeks, 2 days

Wakezilla

12 weeks is around the time Blaxito is due for another mental leap. Maybe Blaxito is going through a stormy patch that’s making him grumpy. This is around the time they notice their environment can alter, IIRC

Spur
Spur

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

How’d you get Darren Sharper’s home videos?

King Hippo

they made the awful alert sound for a “HIGH WIND” warning that included a county in goddamned Maryland. Are you kidding me? Let me hear mah sportsball. I give zero fucks.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Are we sure that wasn’t just the wailing souls of Giants fans coming from New Jersey?

Spur
Spur

comment image

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I can do that.

Wakezilla

Sure, but she looks better doing it

King Hippo

hey now, Ayo ain’t even put his pics up yet!

Spur
Spur

need photos

King Hippo

If they reverse this Guns Up!! score, I am killing myself. Back to Balls Thoughts Monday.

King Hippo

too bad, suckers!!!

litre_cola

Smallwood puts it on the ground, please give it to Clement.

King Hippo

they actually closed schools here for tomorrow. A 2nd day. It’s not even goddamned raining anymore.

Spur
Spur

Trump’s America

blaxabbath

Snowflakes

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

No no, that’s what they’re lacking!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

comment image

King Hippo

4/10 does NAWT respect teh sun

Col. Duke LaCross

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Free Barkley

King Hippo

Guns Up!! had 1st and 10 on the Bloodeyes’ 12. They ended up goddamned punting.

WCS

DUDE BRAH KOACH K LIKE WHAT THE EFF BRAH BRAH LIKE BRAH FER REELS BRAH THE EFF?!

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Koach Kilff Kingsbury: Offensive Geenieus!!!11!1!

King Hippo

ah need a win, can nae wait until damned fake moneys come through to bet again. Need to scratch that itch ASAP!!!

Senor Weaselo

Hail JV BLEERGH?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur
Spur

Spur want, let her use the Jerri Blank voice….comment image

King Hippo

Unfortunate thing – Paul has morphed into a goddamned Trumpist and David can hardly stand to speak to him anymore.

Brocky

commercial shows a generic tower

oh look the effiel tower

commercial shows a common gazelle

oh look a giraffe!

commercial shows the New York Giants

oh Look an NFL Team!

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Erin Andrews gets paid $2 million a year from fox, they could have kept Tony Siragusa for $2000 and a buffalo wild wings gift card.

Spur
Spur

who has bigger tits?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The Goose. Duh.

King Hippo

LET SMALLWOOD HAVE ONE

King Hippo

FORTUNE IS UNKIND TO TEH OWNERS OF SMALLWOOD 🙁

WCS

comment image

Spur
Spur

comment image

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Ugh, I knew a girl who looked exactly like her. We flirted for a while and then drifted apart and nothing came of it. One of my greatest regrets.

Spur
Spur

Speak of Bojack. Amy Sedaris was smoking hot when she was younger and crazy cute now.

King Hippo

my hairdresser (the Sedarises are from Raleigh, you know) is best friends with Paul Sedaris’ wife, and finally got to meet her at the Sedaris beach house a few years ago. Hero worship would be putting it mildly.

Spur
Spur

I’ll read David Sedaris books just for Amy stories.
Introduce me

King Hippo

David’s books are awesome. I re-read the “Jesus Shaves” story every Easter and “4 to 6 Black Men” every Christmas.

herodotus450
herodotus450

comment image

Spur
Spur

fix it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s imgur; no fixing that shit.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

imgur SUCKS!comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THERE WE GO!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Plus the Comedy Boner Factor bring that up even higher.

King Hippo

Guns Up!! has completed their fucking over of Hippo. Goddamnit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

h

ttps://i.imgflip.com/6uc6z.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image