No morning game? Goddammit! Sure it made our collective eyes bleed, watching so much football in one day but it was the good kind of blood-letting. I think game-time has been shifted because the sponsors were whining about not getting enough bang for their ad bucks. Who is to blame for this? West-coasters, that’s who. They’d all be wasting their time being fed breakfast in bed by their super model girlfriends/mistresses. They’d be taking their sweet time wrapping themselves into their ermine housecoats, getting into their scale model Lamborghini’s and driving the sixty yards over to their sunken living rooms with the eight separate tv monitors suspended from the ceiling. Makes me sick! [faces West, shakes fist]
TO THE GAMES!
TB/ATL:
If you like your games with plenty o’points, the Vegas has put the over/under at an NFL season-high 57 and a half. Wr’s Evans and Green are in the starting blocks-the finish line is 150 yards receiving away. First to get there wins.
Pitt/Cincy:
The Bengali’s are a lofty 4-1 but haven’t beat the Steelers in their last six. Money meets mouth today.
LAC/CLE:
The Brownies are a lofty 2-3 and seem to be turning a corner. A league-leading 15 takeaways tends to give that up-and-down offense a few more opportunities per game that aren’t being urinated away. Browns rooks are responsible for winning 4 of 5 Rookie of the Week awards so far.
SEA/OAK:
See petty rant above.
CHI/MIA:
Dem Bears have won 3 straight after losing the season opener. They shouldn’t have much trouble here. The giveaway to me is that the Bears point differential is +46 already while the Fins are at -18.
ARI/MIN:
The Cards re-made their lousy O-line in the offseason and one of the pieces was the signing of former Giant guard Justin Pugh to a 5/45 mil contract. (you know where this is headed) Raiding one of the league’s worst O-lines for ‘talent’ has resulted in Pugh being rated by PFF as the 59th-best at his spot and the Cards are judged as having the lousiest line in the NFL. Say a prayer for David Johnson.
INDY/NYJ:
The Baby Horses are all kinds of lousy and are now missing at least 5 separate ‘impact’ (for them) starters. Jets win.
CAR/WAS:
The Cats are one point dogs despite Crowder and Thompson being ruled out. Te Olsen is back from injury but don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. Apparently the Carolina braintrust is concerned about the quality of the field and Greg will be on a limited snap count.
BUF/HOU:
One of these squadoos will reach .500 at game’s end. [yawns]
Hope you were doing your finger-warming exercises…
“If you don’t love America, why don’t you go somewhere else?”
Well, you see, everywhere is bad because everyone is bad. Here’s a story about families that relocated to Chernobyl to flee the civil war in eastern Ukraine following Russia annexing Crimea.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/moving_to_Chernobyl
The Russians are going to get ahead of us in the race for a mutant super-team! Quick, which US reactor is ready to melt down? We need our own team of X-Men before its too late!
The people saying that are always the same people who elected trump on the premise that America isn’t great, so maybe they should have left instead of electing a morally bankrupt asshole
My asshole is perfectly moral thank you much
Hm, I didn’t plan this well, I should have sat in the middle of the bar so I could watch two games without hurting my neck
You’ll have to do better next week, Dok.
I have started wearing my neck pillow in public. I have reached that peak level of DGAF.
Still sans pants, I assume?
obvs!
It’s super freeing to not give a fuck!
Do you need a pillow? Or just enough booze to numb the neck strain?
YES
Oh yeah, I forgot Miami was still division leader, lol
House LemonJello viewing choices:
T’Challa’s v. [*Redacted] s
Ratbirds v. Tits
AND THAT’S IT!?!? Which sins am I atoning for this time?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAgX6qlJEMc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi4pzKvuEQM
Greg Gumbel and Trent Green calling the jets game?! This is going to be awesomely bad.
Kupp or Ridley?
? FANTASY ALERT ?
If you were starting Tannehill, grab Brock Osweiler to plug in play for those MIA FF offense vs CHI points!
I am so very glad I drafted Chicago’s defense. Today should be fun.
you think Gruden fitted in a Hooter’s franchise meeting while in England?
“THIS NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE, I CALL IF THE NEGRO MODELLO BECAUSE IT’S A DARK BEER THAT DOESN’T CUT ME CHECKS TO BE IN THEIR COMMERCIALS!”
Amazing. AZ is perpetually 47th to 50th in school funding and Doug Ducey is running as the education candidate.
Which further proves what is known about every single republics voter; they live in multiple realities and just need an excuse to put their foot in any one of them to vote (R). They know it’s a lie but they will make sure they don’t know it’s a lie until after the vote — and then all is forgiven anyways.
A horrible math education is the gift that keeps on giving,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmggaI1KW5w
What are we cooking today?
Me, I’ve just started a pot roast in the Instant Pot™. Potatoes, carrots, celery, a little garlic, a little pepper.
House gon’ smell good n junk in about hour.
My belly will be full in about six hours.
Six hours? Dial it down a little, unless you want pot roast soup there.
Six isn’t the cooking time. It’ll need to rest for a bit, and the hungry redneck fambly members won’t arrive until about six hours from now.
And it’s on slow cook, not pressure cook.
I think.
/goes and checks settings
GODDAMMIT I NEED TO STOP COOKING WHILE HIGH!!!!!
Ahem….it is NOW on slow cook, not pressure cook.
Better make sure there’s a pot roast in there and not one of your shoes.
You gonna eat all the pot roast before they get there and let them have fuckin’ bologna sammiches, right?
No shit, dude. These Sunday dinners annoy the shit outta me.
temps below 60…beef stew season is upon us and got one slow cooking right now
Country-style pork ribs in the crock pot. We gunna eat gud, chuh chuh.
I just ordered a bacon cheddar burger. Yum
I forgot how excited Chicago gets when the Bears don’t suck. This is a great sports town, so that’ll be something to hold onto while the state economy circles the drain and the city drifts towards being a gigantic Detroit
“drifts” or “grifts”?
You’re right, grifts is better
Gonna be worth it when they lose by 50 in the wild card round
So WWE is really gonna do the Saudi propaganda show with basically the entire country telling them not to. No one has ever given fewer fucks than Vince McMahon, unless they’re the US Government vis-a-vis Saudi human rights violations.
sweaty dudes grabbing each other while trying to pin each other. is not homoerotic at all.
It’s only gay if there’s a woman in the room(?)
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/us/looting-stores-hurricane-michael.html
The party of “Fuck you I got mine” at work.
Shit hasn’t gotten any better since Katrina, and it never will.
Real Republicans would be volunteering to stand out front with shotguns protecting the store owner’s right to engage in the capitalistic tradition of price-gouging.
SIGH, if only to have aged into mah 40s as gracefully as Emily and Jimmy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1H6TKNB3SE
O/U Burfict’s first personal foul: 10:00 left in 2nd Qtr
Surprised you didn’t give him “two seconds after clearing the locker room.”
1st concussion on a player 3 mins in the 1st qtr.
The Dinner Party episode of the Office is on Comedy Central
It’s no Lo Scandalo.
https://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/rubio-on-climate-not-realistic-to-move-toward-all-solar-panels-and-all-that-stuff
“Science, it’s hard” – Rubio
yeah, Mister White!
“It’s not realistic to move towards wireless portable communication devices and all that stuff.” – Rick Rubio, speaking to a group of telecom lobbyists circa 2000
“It’s not realistic to move towards silicon-based chips and all that stuff.” – Rick Rubio, speaking to a group of vacuum tube manufacturers, circa 1970
“It’s not realistic to move towards agricultural production and domestication of animals and all that stuff” – Rick Rubio, speaking to a group of fellow hunter-gatherers, circa 10,000 B.C.
Is it just me or does this sound like a Van Halen funk band mashup?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Da86wIGpdA4&feature=youtu.be
Yeaux, Mr. Hippo! Crowell is in, Chris Thompson is out. Go with AP vs CAR, or B. Powell vs IND? I’ll hang up and listen. (Non PPR btw)
I probably would double down on having the entire Jest backfield. Especially over banged up AP.
Whoops! Looks like Breida is upgraded to Questionable now. AP over Morris?
I have Breida in both leagues, expect him to sit or be heavily compromised. Stick with Mo-Mo, he shall tote the mail.
Thanks x 1,000,000! Good luck today!!?
you too, dude!
Woooooo!!!!! We can haz snow game??????
Donks WOO or someone else??
Donks Wooo fo’ sho’.
3-6 inches predicted, already looks like about 2 on the ground.
You lying down?
Litre didn’t like his Opium Den visit chuh chuh. FUN FACT! I was high scorer in both mah leagues Weeks 4 AND 5. Ready for the walls to cave in now.
My money league side is completely RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! dependent (fortunately run AND pass) after starting in a gigante Saquon-shaped hole.
I is gunna push for your face in teh snow in DFO league.
Yeah ya are.
Hey, who was stupid enough to bench Justin Tucker in favor of Ka’imi Fairbairn?
Just a hunch. I’m not good at hunches. I fully expect Fairbairn to find a way to get negative kicking points somehow.
Meh, I’m on a 3 week losing streak either way. Time to shake it up.
Bonus so early in the season!
Boo…I have to stream the Gang War (Pitt/Cincy)
I just realized Shinedown has been doing this fucking identity crisis thing since 2002. Here is their first major single (and best song not counting the radio studio live cover of Simple Man which is fucking 15 years old now too) where they attempted to emulate Alice in Chains’ harmonizing. It didn’t even get a music video. What a strange time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Cov4PS0yzU
Morning Folks.
Wait, can GIRLS sing ska??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq2jJLswL8I
The Interrupers are the shit! Bad Cop Bad Cop is pretty solid too.
Breakfast wine?
Breakfast wine!!!
I have a bit of hangover, i got a bloody mary and feel much better.
Had a half bottle of white left in the fridge from 2 nights ago. Perfect i the AM.
lol
And this dandy response to Boehner’s original tweet:
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Oh wait no you can’t
/cause of all the smog you see
//which is caused by the factories you see
If all the Chinese die from air pollution, the jobs’ll have to come back!
Do you WANT TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE?!! Because this is how you get Trump in the White House!
Chad Ochocinco has really let himself go.
And apparently had a horrible bleach accident.
“But you aren’t Speaker of the House!”
But what if I COULD??
Please remember to Vote in three weeks and bring your friends. I think some of you live in states where you can register the same day.
That reminds me I should fill out my mail-in ballot today.
I took mine to work on Wednesday and did it there.
I always vote. I voted (early) in the daggum Demmycratic runoff for Labour Commissioner when nothing else was on the ballot. They actually brought others over to have a look at me.
Been playing through Forza Horizon 4 and this fucking song has been drilled into my head, but I have no idea what it’s about aside from the vague apocalyptic feel. Of course, this is the same band that hit it big with the girlfriend taxidermy song a few years back, so I guess it makes sense.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0crY95eobHU
[shrugs]
– Derek Carr
Good morning, Gentlemen..so good to see…
/looks around
Oh it’s you guys…whut’s up assheads?
Who did you think would show up? Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde?
Center square!
I was hoping for Vanna White.
Either she’s more plastic than woman at this point or the name “Vanna White” is a Dread Pirate Roberts-esque pseudonym
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSkRsciX-gI
And a hearty “go fuck yourself” to you, good sir,
Rams looks great. But how many players do they have on the offense who might sniff the HOF? Gurley? Goff? Kupp?
Like, how often do we look at offenses/defenses having huge seasons and insist they’re gonna be stars that might make the HOF — and then they’re just, for example, David Johnson. Or Colin Kapernick. Or Sammy Watkins.
Warm up music for the Clots:
https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=0c5x97TMJhA#dialog
What are the odds on the NFC East sending a 7-9 team to the playoffs this year? How are the Redacteds favorites?
I have Carolina as part of a 3 teamer so I’m not seeing it either.
There’s no way the Jets win today. That would mean Bowles puts together some form of “continued success,” which is like his own personal kryptonite. The man is incapable of sustained positive outcomes. He is the type of guy who would manage to outlast explosive diarrhea, make it home successfully, only to have to shit in his kid’s toybox.
Come on, Isaiah Crowell!
Dude can DC my defense any year.
No, you’re right. As a DC, he is awesome. As a head coach, he is mediocre at best.
Sub mediocre.
I don’t think he’s got the right personality unless he’s got an OC that needs just zero guidance.
Turns on tv.
Fox is jerking off the Bears D.
Cowherd pops on the screen to say that they are going to destroy any QB…..EXCEPT THEY HAVE TO PLAY BRADY!
So this could be absolutely any Sunday over the last seven years…..
Do I go to the bar with really good food to watch the early games? The tradeoff is that it’s further from the airport, so I’ll have to leave about 15 minutes before the games end
I wouldn’t waste good food on pre-airplane. Then again, I’m always terrified I will have to shit on the plane.
Anything by the Coliseum!
Who wants to come over and clean my apartment?
Can’t, my skimpy maid’s uniform is at the cleaner’s.
You’ve been telling me that for weeks now. I’M RUNNING OUT OF DISHES!
I can take care of any pesky beer cluttering up your fridge
There is literally more beer than food in my fridge at the moment.
“On my way!” – Victor the Cleaner
Hot Browns fan idiot teak….
If the Browns continue on the path they have started, effectively building up a solid defense this year. Get a good line to protect Mayfield so he doesn’t get murder raped by opposing defenses…
I think the Browns might not be routinely 4th place in the AFL North. They are following Baltimore’s progress entering the league, minus stabbings.
Maybe it’s the lack of stabbings that’s holding them back
any plan that requires MOAR stabbings sounds good!
Wait a second, “King Hippo” isn’t an anagram for “Ray Lewis”!
I think he must be narrating my book on tape?
2020
Unless their plane crashes.
Is there Truth in the Biscuit, or is there Biscuit in the Truth?
/anyway, line went to 4 so I passed on the bet. Would be standard practice for Brock…Brock…BROCK LOBSTER!! to have one good match in his locker.
Whatever you do, don’t look into the bucket of truth. The human mind was just not meant to take it.
FACTUAL ERROR! FACTUAL ERROR!
The #Pauls are actually 2-2-1.
JSD caught it down below.
Holy shit…the Dutch league has fucking David Bowie as a sideline reporter…
Its un-fucking canny. He looks just like fucking David Bowie, including two different colored eyes. He is just speaking dutch instead of Brit.
https://wreg.com/2018/10/12/man-run-over-by-lawn-mower-while-trying-to-kill-son-with-chainsaw/
I don’t even care if the story has wildly different details, this is the best headline of the year in my opinion.
“They’d all be wasting their time being fed breakfast in bed by their super model girlfriends/mistresses.”
This is true.
Ermine housecoats make my balls itch so I prefer imported Newfoundland clubbed-baby-seal-fur housecoats.
Indeed.
And who drives Lamborghinis anymore?
Lamborghini has captured the in-house transportation market. That’s why you don’t see them on the streets these days.
That’s what I like about Cyndi and Tameka they get my eggs just right.
Sure, I’ll have a mimosa, babe.
Watching Dutch footie. SPA is up 2-0 on CAM with at around the 70min point.
God could you imagine if NFL players flopped to the extent that soccer players do? As soon as the ball would be hiked, every single player would fall to the ground screaming.
There would be 22 Brady’s on the field…
I loved the Mr. Peabody and Sherman when I was a kidling-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU8TbLza3qY&index=2&list=PL6Y9VfOHF2mwrDq7iaaC4V5O-8VUhVB0T
Geronimo smokum’d so much peace pipe that the camp looked like Los Angeles!
The humour was damn cheeky for its time/purported audience.
I love watching local news. A couple white people were shot so there’s a community reward of $10k being offered and CPD has 40 officers working to fid the shooter. Then cut to a story about a black kid (15, so an actual kid) being shot in the face on the west side, no reward, no dedicated officers, just a stock shot of some police tape. Then, the weather!
Chicago is fun to visit, but so happy I moved
But what if the shooter of the white kid was the black kid, would they care then?
He probably smoked a joint once so, you know, NO HUMAN RIGHTS FOR THAT 15 YEAR OKD!
Sunken in debt amirite? And sunken into the dry, waterless earth by all those earfquakes amirite? And sunken into a deep ennui as a result of living in a morally bankrupt secular hellscape amirite god bless.
Huh. You should watch a little more “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” and a little less “InfoWars”. That’ll get your head on straight.
Does LotRF have a lot of documents?
As a matter of fact, pretty much all the help shown in the show is undocumented!
Hey damn it! The Browns are 2-2-1.
Technically .500 and not 2-3.
Oops. My bad
/stupid Browns fans…
Losing to the Raiders counts as 1.5 losses
The Browns have INFNITY PERCENT more wins than last year.
Also, after staying up late last night drinking shitty wine with Pats fan in Chicago, I’m still waking up at 5:30 am PDT. I would say this is cause I’m getting old, except I did the same damn thing in high school.