No morning game? Goddammit! Sure it made our collective eyes bleed, watching so much football in one day but it was the good kind of blood-letting. I think game-time has been shifted because the sponsors were whining about not getting enough bang for their ad bucks. Who is to blame for this? West-coasters, that’s who. They’d all be wasting their time being fed breakfast in bed by their super model girlfriends/mistresses. They’d be taking their sweet time wrapping themselves into their ermine housecoats, getting into their scale model Lamborghini’s and driving the sixty yards over to their sunken living rooms with the eight separate tv monitors suspended from the ceiling. Makes me sick! [faces West, shakes fist]
TO THE GAMES!
TB/ATL:
If you like your games with plenty o’points, the Vegas has put the over/under at an NFL season-high 57 and a half. Wr’s Evans and Green are in the starting blocks-the finish line is 150 yards receiving away. First to get there wins.
Pitt/Cincy:
The Bengali’s are a lofty 4-1 but haven’t beat the Steelers in their last six. Money meets mouth today.
LAC/CLE:
The Brownies are a lofty 2-3 and seem to be turning a corner. A league-leading 15 takeaways tends to give that up-and-down offense a few more opportunities per game that aren’t being urinated away. Browns rooks are responsible for winning 4 of 5 Rookie of the Week awards so far.
SEA/OAK:
See petty rant above.
CHI/MIA:
Dem Bears have won 3 straight after losing the season opener. They shouldn’t have much trouble here. The giveaway to me is that the Bears point differential is +46 already while the Fins are at -18.
ARI/MIN:
The Cards re-made their lousy O-line in the offseason and one of the pieces was the signing of former Giant guard Justin Pugh to a 5/45 mil contract. (you know where this is headed) Raiding one of the league’s worst O-lines for ‘talent’ has resulted in Pugh being rated by PFF as the 59th-best at his spot and the Cards are judged as having the lousiest line in the NFL. Say a prayer for David Johnson.
INDY/NYJ:
The Baby Horses are all kinds of lousy and are now missing at least 5 separate ‘impact’ (for them) starters. Jets win.
CAR/WAS:
The Cats are one point dogs despite Crowder and Thompson being ruled out. Te Olsen is back from injury but don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. Apparently the Carolina braintrust is concerned about the quality of the field and Greg will be on a limited snap count.
BUF/HOU:
One of these squadoos will reach .500 at game’s end. [yawns]
Hope you were doing your finger-warming exercises…
Jesus Christ, Red Rocket!
/that was better
Fuck FF, Imma quit at halftime, dammit!!!!!!
(back me up here, Vontae Davis)
Hai! How are your squads doing?
“His squad was not doing well, and Litre-cola damned well knew it”
– Ron Howard
I picked up Sanu, and went back and forth on plugging him in this week.
As usual, I chose poorly.
OK, that helps. Nice catch, Boyd.
bah gawd
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/1051524515698749446
Not a QB, no flag!
there was a flag
Yes, it looks just like a diamond cutter
Man, the Raiders have to deal with this until 2028. Amazing.
that contract gettin paid the fuck out so he leaves early
THIS CARDINALS DEFENSE I CALL THEM MEDIEVAL DYSENTERY MEDICATION BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STOP THE RUNS
That’s also the period from which they have a knowedledge of American Gridiron Football, IMO.
That reminds me of this line I’ve had in my head all week: It’s amazing that the world was conquered by western Europeans, people who spend the 1,000 years before that regressing to the point that they wouldn’t wash their own asses.
Dalton is turning back into a big orange pumpkin
Murray? PRESENT!
“If there’s one weakness of this Arizona defense…”
Well, one is about the understatement of the year there Tiki/Rondae.
The rest of the quote is, “it’s the Arizona defense.”
We would have also accepted “it’s that they stink.”
We got some Panic at the Dalton. Throw it to AJ, you wanker.
Hopkinsdown.
he good
The Raiders are going to be regulated to the CFL.
When the CFL lowers standards to accept them
PAC-12
I’ve been pushing Arizona to anchor a basket-focused conference on the west coast.
The Pac-12 already has the Trojans
“Excuse me, Mr. Devil person.”
“Can you pass me that pretzel, Satan Fella.”
-Canadian fans at the Raiders home game
The devil comes as your greatest desire.
Browns could have used Josh Gordon on that play
I like beers that come in steins instead of normal glasses
“Oh?!”
-Bud Light King painting cans to look like steins
Oh I remember doing a jello shot off Ben Stein!
Howdy, folks. Football will have to wait for a little bit. Lady Maestro’s alma mater women’s rugby team is on TV – currently watching all her old teammates. At any rate, as non-football sports go, this is a pretty solid one to be supplanting the usual Sunday schedule for me.
Are they playing in lingerie by any chance?
/asking foar a friend
I’d rather watch that.
I’m calling it now. The Browns are going to run all the way down to inside of the 5 yard line and then Hue Jackson will call three pass plays in a row.
Deshaun Watson is sooooooo full of horse tranqs
Lucky bastard.
Or a single drop of Rodgers blood from his comeback game
Jets tight end actually makes a play… unpossible!
INVERTED GUT WRENCH EXPLODER SUPLEX ON AMENDOLA
captain insano shows no mercy
Brick bringing wrasslin back to miami
He did a stint in Ne, no?
Should have been on a sword then.
Bills are bills-ing quite early.
Uncle Ed once said, “There’s always 10 men on the FBI most wanted list and one of them is Frank Reich cuz he fuckin stole that game from Houston in ’93. I bet my foreskin on that game Buddy!”
Damn, another O’Leary tearing up Chicago
Only six tilts available on the tube up here and yet…
Which WR do I NOT want to get the ball to in space, Fox D-Team commentator?
Ah the Browns…making the Chargers look good since 1960…
Atlanta and Arizona wins would be very helpful. We’re doomed.
Bruce Arians is Caitlyn Jenner’s name to sign into hotels.
Melvin Gordon is a beast.
Throw a TD, Tiny Hands-er!
Acura with a subtle nod to the Evangelical crowd covering a song about satan.
Ppl forget in that scene in The Lion King if you look in the dust it shows an NSX.
Love that the Minnesota highlight was Cousins failing to get a first
very Cap’n Dingleberry
But it was an impressive failure!
Is fortnight the game on the Samsung commercials?
Ah, yes, the Jets.
4 minutes and the steelers-bengals is getting chirpy
Yep.
What took so long?
Harf Harf almost just fucked up big time.
C’mon, Andy. You can give the ball away better than that.
THIS GUY ANDREW LUCK I CALL HIM THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS BECAUSE HE’LL GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW… and the fact he’s not as good as people think he is.
AND he’s always talking about how he’s from (Stanford) California
Can’t believe I’m streaming the right defense this week. The greatest love of all is happening to me
Oh snap!
Kirk cousins really is a perfect guy to live in Minnesota
He’s from Bumfuck Michigan
Which is a delightful place, if there are any commenters from Bumfuck Michigan
It’s not so much a place as it is a rest stop
I thought Bumfuck was in Iowa?
I’ve had to work in Bumfuck Michigan.
Its racist as shit. Plenty of Coney Islands though…
Actually from IL. He lived in Holland, MI, which is actually less bumfucky than you might think. If you make your hand into a mitten, and point your finger towards the bottom of the outside of your palm, you can then smack yourself in the face because that’s a fucking terrible way to teach kids geography and they need to stop doing it here.
Let’s give Andy another chance to give the Jets 7 after this commercial break.
It’s almost like Kalil Mack is really fucking good and Chuckie redux is an idiot for trading him
gruden the opposite Chucky story of a man turning into a wooden dummy
Cards three and out.
They sick.
HODOR pick six? Okay.
JETSCEPTION
Take Hodor out behind the barn
Wasn’t his fault. Sticking with my comment.
oh fat humps
PEAK HUMPIN’
Brock Lobster!
BOIZ IN BIKINIS!!
Matt Slauson was almost paralyzed last week. FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE TOUGH DOE
Brock Osweiler time baby!
BROCKTOBER!
DFO now has teh merchandizing rights WOO!!
And now to forget the bad because SEVEN HOURS OF REDZONE BAY-BAY
it really is the only good thing left in life
Serious question: do you think anyone actually watches “The Neighborhood” and laughs? I mean, I haven’t seen anything in the commercials that qualifies as a “joke” yet, but they are doing everything they can to make this show happen.
And Snoop Dogg doing ED commercials… inspired.
ah don’t even noe what that is!
You coulda stopped right there. WTF is “The Neighborhood”?
/googles it
Oh, CBS. That explains it.
Holy shit Quentin Crisp is part of a 3 man booth for the Jets – Colts!