Your “London’s Calling!” (at regular EST, smh) Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

No morning game? Goddammit! Sure it made our collective eyes bleed, watching so much football in one day but it was the good kind of blood-letting. I think game-time has been shifted because the sponsors were whining about not getting enough bang for their ad bucks. Who is to blame for this? West-coasters, that’s who. They’d all be wasting their time being fed breakfast in bed by their super model girlfriends/mistresses. They’d be taking their sweet time wrapping themselves into their ermine housecoats, getting into their scale model Lamborghini’s and driving the sixty yards over to their sunken living rooms with the eight separate tv monitors suspended from the ceiling. Makes me sick! [faces West, shakes fist]

TO THE GAMES!

TB/ATL:

If you like your games with plenty o’points, the Vegas has put the over/under at an NFL season-high 57 and a half. Wr’s Evans and Green are in the starting blocks-the finish line is 150 yards receiving away. First to get there wins.

Pitt/Cincy:

The Bengali’s are a lofty 4-1 but haven’t beat the Steelers in their last six. Money meets mouth today.

LAC/CLE:

The Brownies are a lofty 2-3 and seem to be turning a corner. A league-leading 15 takeaways tends to give that up-and-down offense a few more opportunities per game that aren’t being urinated away. Browns rooks are responsible for winning 4 of 5 Rookie of the Week awards so far.

SEA/OAK:

See petty rant above.

CHI/MIA:

Dem Bears have won 3 straight after losing the season opener. They shouldn’t have much trouble here. The giveaway to me is that the Bears point differential is +46 already while the Fins are at -18.

ARI/MIN:

The Cards re-made their lousy O-line in the offseason and one of the pieces was the signing of former Giant guard Justin Pugh to a 5/45 mil contract. (you know where this is headed) Raiding one of the league’s worst O-lines for ‘talent’ has resulted in Pugh being rated by PFF as the 59th-best at his spot and the Cards are judged as having the lousiest line in the NFL. Say a prayer for David Johnson.

INDY/NYJ:

The Baby Horses are all kinds of lousy and are now missing at least 5 separate ‘impact’ (for them) starters. Jets win.

CAR/WAS:

The Cats are one point dogs despite Crowder and Thompson being ruled out. Te Olsen is back from injury but don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. Apparently the Carolina braintrust is concerned about the quality of the field and Greg will be on a limited snap count.

BUF/HOU:

One of these squadoos will reach .500 at game’s end. [yawns]

Hope you were doing your finger-warming exercises…

 

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King Hippo

I enjoy when Coked Up RedZone Guy gets all judgmental on the playcalling.

Gatoraids

Should just have micro machines guy call 9 games at once

Doktor Zymm

Every time a team is backed up on their own less than 5 and the defense fails to score a safety, I get a little sad

entropy

When that happens, a dead defensive coordinator doesn’t get his wings.

blaxabbath

Punting from your own end zone should cost a team 1 point.

fleshwound_NPG

chi/mia fox announcer: bears are going to win in the trenches today

[bisky gets sacked multiple times, brock lobster all day to throw]

Spur

Amari Cooper is going to wake up with a British accent.

Gatoraids

+1 rail road spike

herodotus450

Bills have two wins, what in tarnation!?

LemonJello

How has U*NC not trademarked “Tar Nation” yet?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Too busy covering up the cheating.

ArmedandHammered

They would fear that it could be racist, that is why the onesies they sell don’t say Tar Baby.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, that’s fucking funny.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’s a real shithole.

King Hippo

Kill a guy will blatant helmet shot = no flag.

Breathe on a QB = flag and fine.

blaxabbath

Halitosis

JustStopDude

Larry is still proud of that BA in communication from Phoenix University Online.

I got to say, out of every shameless athlete plugging a dubious product, I think this commercial bothers me the most. I would rather have him shilling for malt 40’s then encouraging dumb people to give money to that dubious diploma mill.

blaxabbath

Valid.

This is probably the worst thing about Fitz, hands down.

King Hippo

I feel SMRT for picking up the Humps D (they even have a good terrorist to help with forcing turnovers it seems!) but I did so for next weeks home Bills game, on bench this week of course. Because life is shit.

Petronel

LOLPANTHERS

Time to go old-skool and glue a handle to the ball in practice

Spur

comment image

blaxabbath

Let’s sponsor him for Bills Mafia fantasy camp.

Unsurprised

Get used to this, kid. This is life.

Gratliff

That’s a solid Vader-style moonsault.comment image

Petronel

“HE FEARS NO MAN. HE FEELS NO PAIN.”

Well, of course not. Kid ded.

blaxabbath

Arizona (1-4), worst offense in the NFL, decides to go up the gut against the Vikings D at the goal line on 4th.

I would suggest having someone call the plays who isn’t six Richie Incognitos deep into his CTE.

Gatoraids

They’re alreyjust trying to run the clock out

Unsurprised

This fucking rules.
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

But where to spot the ball?

Unsurprised

I assume where his second foot left the ground.

Gratliff

Depends on whether or not he rolled out of the ring after hitting the ground

Gatoraids

Only missing a table for the Dudley boys

Petronel

There needs to be some kind of ridiculous name for this move (the whole thing, including the ball-grab action).

Gratliff

The Donkey Show

Gratliff

We need to discuss the fact that this was clearly a tag finisher, but Von Miller fucked up the timing.

Petronel

Midnight Express finisher kinda move, according to Mr. Nel

King Hippo

David Johnson is killing mah soul.

/has no soul

Brick Meathook

comment image

Gatoraids

Achewood, yacht Rock wars and Kate Heaton 2000 s internet is back

Brick Meathook

HELL YEAH

Spur

Refs gave the Steelers a 1st and goal instead of a flag for holding.

blaxabbath

Feeling SMRT for starting Seahawks D.

JustStopDude

This is a commercial for the Dutch Rail Service…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxTh-9OzydA

I need the commentariat to idiot check me…this is the start of a softcore lesbian porn right?

entropy

Dutch TV is full of nudity and wildly suggestive imagery. I remember a commercial about unplugging unused electronics that had kids breaking into people’s homes and unplugging shit… and some kid wanders into someone’s bedroom while the homeowners are going at it and just unplugs a lamp, then sneaks out while casting glances at the folks on the bed.

entropy

Oh you assholes.

ArmedandHammered

Please be more specific…

entropy

Of course Darnold was calm and collected after that interception; he’s got money on the Fat Humps.

clint greasewood

my neighbors are doing a lot of mowing today

Gatoraids

Hope they aren’t mowing your lawn

Petronel

So far, the most interesting part of being subjected to Redacteds games this season has been the surprisingly funny and creative local commercials playing off of Alex Smith’s newness in these parts. Almost makes up for no longer having Pierre Garcon’s pizza commercials any more.

/easily amused

Doktor Zymm

I hope he does an Eastern Motors commercial

Petronel

Haven’t seen any yet, but he makes a good electric fireplace commercial so far, in an A.A. Ron straight-man way. (“Hey, that’s Kirk Cousins!”)

LemonJello

He does. I’ve seen a couple versions.

King Hippo

I wonder if Morrissey picked up the tickets Derek Carr left for him??

Gatoraids

He will only accepts Cutler’s. Girlfriend in a coma cuz she want vaccinated. Bye bye bye baby good bye

Spur
Senor Weaselo

How has Michelob not had Kavenaugh singing their “We Like Beer” ad song yet? Even if it’s just smash cuts?

Doktor Zymm

Cardinals defense…did a good?

Doktor Zymm

Is there a rule that anyone wearing orange jerseys has to play like they’re the Broncos?

Gatoraids

True Binksy season 2 sucking so far

entropy

Since the NFL keeps making a big deal about the Jets/Colts and Namath’s guarantee, do you think they’ll give us an anniversary replay in December of him putting drunken moves on the Matron Saint?

Unsurprised

No Fun League, dude.

King Hippo

Judge ItoDOWN yet again!!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“If I Scored It”

King Hippo

Announcer dude using Lesser Footy terminology – 5 yards to teh good

Mother Puncher

I pictured Vigil as more of a Luke Kuekly type gritty guy, not some afroed hippy

entropy

“WIDE OPEN” is, alternately, something you hear about any wide receiver playing the Jets, and the very first words associated with any search of the US/Mexico Border when run from a conservative web site.

entropy

And Sam Darnold’s devolution into Mark Sanchez 2.0 begins.

JustStopDude

Mayfield nearly snaps his leg sliding on the first line marker on the side line.

I am amazed at the amount of crap and people on the sideline of NFL games. Like every fucking aspect of the NFL is incredibly wrong from a safety standpoint. And considering the shear amount of investment these guys represent…maybe…just maybe we should wrangle the fucking cords and shit and have them slightly further away from the playing field than 4 inches.

I’m just saying…

Doktor Zymm

Makes too much sense, it’ll never happen

Gratliff

My favorite is always when the guy catches the ball while going out of bounds, takes 2 steps back, and then gets to flip over a fucking water table for some reason

LemonJello

OR, and hear me out here…we go FURTHER away from safety and put punji pits and toe-popper mines ALL OVER THE FIELD!

entropy

Mutant League Football really gave me some unrealistic expectations for football in the future.

JustStopDude

God I love that game. I can’t wait for the gofundme campaign for it where some shithead raises a lot of money to release it and it goes nowhere…

Unsurprised

Isn’t that basically Vince McMahon’s XFL 2.0?

Gratliff

Sir, this entire scenario has already taken place.
https://store.steampowered.com/app/529520/Mutant_Football_League/

ArmedandHammered

Blood Bowl!

Senor Weaselo

Picked by Hooker? Does that mean you get a discount?

King Hippo

ah deffo would have done the Lafayette Rang, Rang, Hookah for that Humps pickerception. Watch first 2 seasons of True Blood if that makes no sense.

JustStopDude

I just realized something…since I am in the Netherlands, I get sent to the Dutch wikipedia by default. If I do searches for US NFL teams, there are only like one or two sentences. So they need to be fleshed out a bit right….RIGHT?!?

Do I dare fuck with the random Dutch person that looks something up if the NFL ever puts a team in Europe?

LemonJello

Yes and yes.

JustStopDude

Shit..I just realized…I am stupid, but I would have to convert everything into Dutch first (my computer is auto translating shit into English and its bad at it).

LemonJello

Bad Google translate would only make it that much more confusing!

Unsurprised

Now you HAVE to do it.

Senor Weaselo

I don’t want to get dressed and play a wedding. I want to talk to you fine people, drink my tea, and eat pepper jack Cheez-Its. Is that too much to ask?

Unsurprised

Your landlord says yes.

Doktor Zymm

I wish the TV used all our player nicknames instead of stupid real names

Senor Weaselo

Especially the sweary ones?

entropy

Could you imagine how confused everyone would be by the middle of the first series?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Now back to throw for Arizona, “Buddy’s little half-Jewish piece of ass”… sorry, was just daydreaming for a second

blaxabbath

“Thanks Terry…and now we’ll send it back to Hippo in the booth.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Fuck you Terry, life is a piece of shit and so are you. Where’s my betting lines…WHO TOOK MY BETTING LINES GODDAMMIT”.

– Hippo

LemonJello

*Sound of pill bottle opening*

ArmedandHammered

And Hippo’s little helpers,
help him make it through his day,
help him on his cranky way

fleshwound_NPG

bears gonna give brock lobster yet another win, aren’t they

Spur

1st dead player in the Cincy/Pitt gang war. Whoever had 5 mins in the 1st qtr please claim your prize.

LemonJello

Gonna bury your heart at Wounded Knee?

blaxabbath

What’s happening in WAS? Carolina just not getting on the field?

LemonJello

Cam couldn’t look any more disinterested than if he was in class at Auburn.

Unsurprised

I had a dream that the clubhouse was real and I was introducing a bunch of people to DFO and you all.

Also, I think I should become a food blogger.

Mother Puncher

Boyd oh Boyd

King Hippo

I really hope AP dies on the field.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Let’s “switch” over to that game then, right?

blaxabbath

It’d do wonders for brushing aside his personal life.

blaxabbath

“If there is one weakness of this Cardinals offense, it’s that they are used to practicing against the Cardinals defense.”

entropy

Oh fuck you, Greg.

King Hippo

Beatie MixonDOWN would be much appreciate

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

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