No morning game? Goddammit! Sure it made our collective eyes bleed, watching so much football in one day but it was the good kind of blood-letting. I think game-time has been shifted because the sponsors were whining about not getting enough bang for their ad bucks. Who is to blame for this? West-coasters, that’s who. They’d all be wasting their time being fed breakfast in bed by their super model girlfriends/mistresses. They’d be taking their sweet time wrapping themselves into their ermine housecoats, getting into their scale model Lamborghini’s and driving the sixty yards over to their sunken living rooms with the eight separate tv monitors suspended from the ceiling. Makes me sick! [faces West, shakes fist]
TO THE GAMES!
TB/ATL:
If you like your games with plenty o’points, the Vegas has put the over/under at an NFL season-high 57 and a half. Wr’s Evans and Green are in the starting blocks-the finish line is 150 yards receiving away. First to get there wins.
Pitt/Cincy:
The Bengali’s are a lofty 4-1 but haven’t beat the Steelers in their last six. Money meets mouth today.
LAC/CLE:
The Brownies are a lofty 2-3 and seem to be turning a corner. A league-leading 15 takeaways tends to give that up-and-down offense a few more opportunities per game that aren’t being urinated away. Browns rooks are responsible for winning 4 of 5 Rookie of the Week awards so far.
SEA/OAK:
See petty rant above.
CHI/MIA:
Dem Bears have won 3 straight after losing the season opener. They shouldn’t have much trouble here. The giveaway to me is that the Bears point differential is +46 already while the Fins are at -18.
ARI/MIN:
The Cards re-made their lousy O-line in the offseason and one of the pieces was the signing of former Giant guard Justin Pugh to a 5/45 mil contract. (you know where this is headed) Raiding one of the league’s worst O-lines for ‘talent’ has resulted in Pugh being rated by PFF as the 59th-best at his spot and the Cards are judged as having the lousiest line in the NFL. Say a prayer for David Johnson.
INDY/NYJ:
The Baby Horses are all kinds of lousy and are now missing at least 5 separate ‘impact’ (for them) starters. Jets win.
CAR/WAS:
The Cats are one point dogs despite Crowder and Thompson being ruled out. Te Olsen is back from injury but don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. Apparently the Carolina braintrust is concerned about the quality of the field and Greg will be on a limited snap count.
BUF/HOU:
One of these squadoos will reach .500 at game’s end. [yawns]
Hope you were doing your finger-warming exercises…
as much as a dark timeline it seems like we live in, it features commercials with snoop dogg promoting boner pills
Watching the Browns get humiliated by a division rival shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does, so I’m going to try to make the most of that.
The Raiders ARE that bad that you go against your core beliefs.
thats too great!
Even if it does involve the Shitty Clippers.
Oh dammit. Holding takes away my Tyler Boyd points.
Fuck you, Cincy.
Will J. Peterman end the day with more fantasy points than Baker Mayfield? ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES
Dr. Julius Peppers is still in The National Football League?
Carbonated prune juice for health!
So this is interesting, Alaska sent out an email asking for volunteers on a potential overbook situation. I volunteered, and now I have both my original flight and a United flight a couple hours later showing up in the Alaska app. They must be really overbooked if they’re already putting me on another flight before I even get to the airport!
I can see Russia from my house.
(when it’s on TV)
Is that like how Andrew Jackson “asked for volunteers” to move west?
some hair pulling for you all….
legal because we can’t be encouraging the help to grow NEGROID HAIR
PLAYER SAFETY FIRST!
Fucking asshole
You know how early in the day, I mentioned my belief that the Brown were on the right path, making headways to being a successful organization?
I’m a fucking idiot.
2* steps forward, 1 step back! #ThePauls!!
*May be closer to 1.000001
Wait, wut?
oh dear Mother of Fuck J Peterman throwed a touched down
So glad I picked the 500s in a survivor pool.
Zay will get a sixer every time you don’t expect him to.
Huh, the end times are way less fire filled than I was expecting
It turns out God lied about not using floods to wipe out humanity a second time.
Brock Osweiler is regressing to his very shitty mean.
G-d, I’mma need so many JEWKAH-downs tonight. But for the Chefs to win.
“For the right price, we can make this happen.”
-The Rothschild Family
If Chester Rodgers doesn’t do kid’s parties during the week, my name’s not scotchnaut.
Frank Gore is gonna play until he’s 41, somehow
was watching the ice donks beat the ice bills the other night and a fan was wearing a peterman jersey
/checks FF scores
HOW THE FUCK DOES JORDAN HOWARD ONLY HAVE 0.10 PT????????
Two Trubisky Passing TDs, 1 Cohn rushing TD, 1 Howard fumble.
(said fumble on the 1 yd line)
That’s an ‘ouch!’ for sure.
Allen broken and PETERMAN IS WARMING UP!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
You want to see my peter, man?
Oh wait, I misunderstood.
The Peter Man!
This is a dick joke!
Jesus, why aren’t they kicking the FG immediately?
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! kiddie style
/sorry for getting ur hopes up, Mister Trestman
I don’t think that’s the best way to start training for a curling career.
There will never be a time in which I am not excited about Nathan Peterman entering an NFL game. It’s guaranteed hilarity.
J Peterman good sir, is the preferred nomenclature
lol, Cousins is an awful dancer
trying to appeal to the millenials…. right?
Only good thing this week is that my money league foe’s fantasy bench is KILLING mine (Clement, Alshon, Leonard Cohen).
Unfortunately, his starters are killing me too.
Kearse is jermaine to the success of the Jets passing game.
found a funny:
Where are “People who love fajitas?”
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3s9vt2
Dammit, scotchy, Darnold looks good out there. Do I need to bring coffee to the meetings?
[in unison]
“Hi entropy!”
LOLfins want DAT PUSH, yo
OK, Harfy. You see that guy split out to your left. #84? You should stop being a dumbass and throw it to him.
Orrrrrrr….you could do that and fuck it up.
I think Mike Tomlin has money on Cincy.
Maybe AB ate the last Choco Taco and didn’t apologize/restock the freezer?
alert andy reid, we got yet another biscuitcannon!
goddamnit, this CIN/PIT pisses me off so much. At least Redshirt has his ponies to calm him down.
Hahahaha
ut oh…. antonio brown grot hurt…..
MAGIC TENT, HE FINE
That guy that did the ‘Dacted’s a +1 on the betting sheet? He smart as fuckballs.
That’s what you get for eating a Taco Bell.
What’s more LA than your (why yes she is quite attractive) bartender telling you all about her boxing regimen because her agent made her give up being an amateur MMA fighter so she wouldn’t mess up her face to go on auditions for acting jobs?
You forgot her cutting lines of coke on the bar while she’s talking to you?
More than one way to “mess up her face” (of course that cleans right up).
Statistically, she’d be better off giving up acting and focusing on MMA.
Especially if she’s attractive enough to be an actress.
throw it to diggs!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Moose having an H.R. PufnStuf-inspired fever dream.
Nothing better than Trent calling for continued passing attempts from Luck followed by a 14 yard rushing gain on the field.
Hippo needs Minny FG here.
Stupid bar doesn’t have outlets, I got maybe ten minutes of battery left
Unplug the tv with the least interesting game on, and use that one.
Evergreen
Jets TD to Herndon(?) Who dat?
Competency continues for the Jets? Who slipped me the acid?
(and can I have more?)
[Darnold wanders into ‘might just be competent’ territory]
“LALALALALALALA! I don’t believe what I’m seeing!”
-entropy
I will NOT be fooled by Sanchez Two: White American Nachos and his occasional flashes of competency. I simply won’t. He can win a Super Bowl and I’ll probably still wonder when I’ll awaken from the coma it happened in.
You’re broken. I get it. We meet weekly in the basement of Our Lady of the Roadkill’s church every Wednesday.
Shouldn’t you just take Carr out back and shoot him at this point? Be humane.
He’s gonna go play on a farm team upstate, with a big field where he can frolic!
His brother is already there, so he has family nearby!
Brock Lobster. The re-Lobstering.
105.6 QB rating against Bears lifetime
Regression to the mean!
yeah don’t nuthin’ lie MOAR than Small Sample Size Theatre
Whose job is it to squeegee the pitch once Watson starts coughing up blood?
Raiders really bringing their A suck game for the London locals.
THESE RAIDERS LEMME TELL YA I CALL EM LUFTWAFFE BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKIN THE DOG OVER IN LONDON
I do admire the local Raider fans gluing toast points to their shoulder epaulets though.
Alrighty. Back to the other footed balls for me. Ruggers was entertaining – home team lost 22-20 because they couldn’t make a damn convert all afternoon. Gave Lady Maestro another beer and just let her go group bitch with all her teammates via FaceTime later. Probably the smart move.
ur Shitwagon is up to 25% odds. NO SMIRE
NAWT Maestro’s fill-in TE!!!
scrambly biscuits!
man, my good all day breakfast place ain’t open Sundays
/Pam’s Farmhouse on Western Blvd. if’n y’all ever come
Haz been there. But it’s been a while.
still good, still cash only
There’s a place in Durham called Bullock’s. BBQ, seafood, the norm. Good place for either.
Same way, cash only.
I’m sure the IRS loves that shit.
It’s a church for tax purposes.
Anywhere else I’d say that’s ironic.
the horse tranq smoothie seems to have done a number on Watson. Or maybe the broken rib/bruised lung combo is just limiting no matter how much one shoots up??
So they’re honoring the ’68 Jets at halftime. Don Maynard is a still a pimp in his cowboy hat.
“Enough of the ’68 Jets! When are they going to honour the ’99 Luftballoons?”
-Nena
Did you at least win the gloryhole booth contract?
srsly, Redshirt, did Beatie get killt again?
/also maybe tell Marvin 2 stay n hurryup, thx
Jets/Indy just heading into halftime, Bills/Texans already into the third. It’s part of the NFL’s new “Just Get This Fucking Thing Over With Already” policy.
Well, holy shit, the Jets managed to adjust to adversity. I have confidence this will continue in the second half.