Your “Everyone Loses” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:  

  • John Harbaugh wants the challenge rule changed.
    • He came to this conclusion after using both, and losing one, in the first 7 minutes of the Ravens loss to the Saints on Sunday.
    • Of course, he has no ideas, but doesn’t like that you have to win both to get a third.
  • Eli Apple – now a Saint.
    • The former first-round pick was shipped off to Breesusville at the cost of a 2019 fourth-rounder & 2020 seventh-rounder.
    • The other Eli – the one who couldn’t work a sneak on two tries from the one – remains gainfully employed in The Meadowlands.
  • Jason Garrett, talking like a man who thinks he has influence with the owner & more job security than brains, defends trading away a Number One pick to get Amari Cooper.
    • He says it’s “the price you have to pay” for a receiver like that.
      • The same receiver the Eagles offered a second-rounder for, which led the Cowboys to up their bid.
    • Dez Bryant, meanwhile, stares longingly at the phone from his home in DeSoto, Texas.
  • Oof – Chad Kelly was arrested Tuesday morning on a charge of first-degree criminal trespass.
    • It appears he got a little tipsy at Von Miller’s team Hallowe’en party & might have entered the wrong house with lovin’ on his mind.
      • His uncle Jim will have something to say about that, as long as the screws in his jaw hold.
    • Worse for Kelly, there’s a buck-toothed monster lurking the stadium & debating his fate:

  • Derek Carr is likely the next Gruden casualty, as reports are circulating that Carr has “lost the room”.
    • PFT derisively refers to it as “what appeared to be Carr crying in the melting-face way that a kid would cry after falling off his bike”.

Courtesy Deadspin, who paid the subscription to The Athletic, comes this quote, “It certainly didn’t help when film showed what looked like him crying after being sacked and injuring his arm. They saw his face. They heard his whimper.”

–  Because you can’t call people “soft” anymore.

  • Keep your eyes peeled for a future DFO-Con announcement: the Alliance of American Football will be hosting its first two championship games in Las Vegas.
    • PFT nailed down the logic in the AAF’s plan:
      • “The league nevertheless intends to cater to wagering, especially of the in-game variety. Which makes Las Vegas an ideal locale for the championship game.”
    • It will be a Saturday night title match on April 27 on CBS.
      • The games will be at Sam Boyd Stadium, and not the monstrosity the Raiders are having built for them.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB: World Series
    • Game 1: Dodgers at Red Sox – 8:00PM | FOX / Sportsnet
  •  NHL:
    • Sharks at Predators – 8:00PM | NBCSN
    • Penguins at Oilers – 9:00PM | Sportsnet1
  • NBA:
    • 76ers at Pistons – 7:00PM | TSN / NBATV
  • NCAA:
    • Troy at South Alabama – 8:00PM | ESPN2
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

All these sports, and actually very little to want to watch, unless I’ve got other reasons. HAIL GAMBLOR!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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yeah right

Greetings everyone. Today I celebrated my 57th trip around the sun. I had an incredible time yesterday and today.
Insane dinner with my favorite people last night. Easiest round trip drive to San Diego ever and a really fun movie today.

I can do this for another 30 years easy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Happy birthday!!

Redshirt

Here’s to another year making the Grim Reaper your bitch.

WCS

Congrats on your latest lap around Sol.

yeah right

The movie was Bad Times at The El Royale and for entertainment value I give it high ranks. Really fun. Cool cinematography and long takes. Every actor works their ass off. Probably won’t win an oscar but damn fun stuff.

Dolph Ucker

Happy Bday! 57 is my next one too… or would be if I was counting. Here’s to many more!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m so tired of this trend of “deconstructed” songs that are slowed down featuring a female vocalist. That version of Harder Better Stronger Faster is a perfect example.

WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

While I’m on the subject I also hate the trend of dopey Asian male characters. Jason on The Good Place is the pinnacle, everyone else sucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yep, that’s the formula. Guess it’s been going on longer than my “used to be with it, but then they changed what it was” ass realized.

Viva La Tabula Raza

There we go.

Mr. Ayo

Well, it was a good game for the first 3 hours.

Wait, this game is only 3 hours old?!?! Get your shit together dirt ball.

WCS

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Redshirt

…and like my dreams of having a family, a well paying job, and the power to summon a Flying Monkey Army to crush my enemies and get me beer, the dream of winning the Lottery has come and gone.

Unless no one wins and its jumps to near $3,000,000,000, then dream on!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I left my tix in the car, so I can still fantasize until I hear someone in Idaho, or no one, won.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it fits the trend of this year, it’s gonna be Eric Trump or Cliven Bundy or some other unspeakably awful person who wins.

WCS

My guess is Martin Shkreli.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A collective of 25 Proud Boys.

Redshirt

If it gets him to quit, I’ll accept Donald Trump winning the lotto.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman. Kushner bought him a dozen tickets.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Will everybody who has bought a lottery ticket agree to fund DFO operations and an annual gathering for the next five years?

/no, not assuming you win. Just in general. If you have money for lottery tickets you can afford to hook us degenerates up.

Unsurprised

Second

Redshirt

That line didn’t work for my ex-wife and its not going to work for you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I made lasanga tonight. It was goddamned delicious.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

If I somehow win the Mega Millions Jackpot, I have to figure out a way to quit tomorrow but in a way that doesn’t make it obvious that I won the lottery.

“Redshirt, can you get some toner?” “I CAN’T WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS!!!!!”

Sharkbait

“Redshirt, can you make some coffee?”

“I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT KAREN! I QUIT!”

Game Time Decision

[Chants]
Pee in the pot
Pee in the pot
pee in the pot

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, don’t do that…”

– dispensary workers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is Karen German?

WCS

Redshirt: “Hello, boss? I can’t come in today. Or tomorrow, or ever again actually.”
Redhirt’s boss: “Okay, why?”
Redshirt: “SUCK MY DICK, LOSERS! WOOOOO!”
(hangs up)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How much is your company worth?

“Hey Fred; I OWN you.”

Redshirt

I had a usually stand by in case I needed to quit and didn’t have to bother about a reference or not burning a bridge., but the recent social evolution has taught me that a Fat Guy Strippergram is insensitive for several reasons.

WCS

Alternately, leave an upper-decker in every toilet on the floor until they figure out it’s been you the entire time.

WCS

Deadspin has a short video on Clint Malarchuk’s throat being slashed during an NHL game in 1989. Probably the most gruesome injury to happen during a game, any game in any sport, that didn’t result in a fatality.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ve secretly replaced Madson with famous Pakistani cricket bowler Initkhab Alam. Let’s see if anyone notices.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

Maybe a yeah right question but why aren’t knives just graded?

Why hasn’t some struggling department store (Sears) just be like, “Look they’ve all got a grade and we’ve categorized them for a graded purpose. See this listless bastard? Pearing knife. 3” to 5” max blade length. Home use, right? Ok you need the three series. Yeah the 5 is like premium chefs knife but you’re at home so that’s the 2 to 4 series. You got a young kid so you’ll wants the titanium for less weight. And then you can customize your handle with a forged, plastic, or premium opinions. And those are all exchangeable and come with 90 days same as cash financing.”

Game Time Decision

From Cutco?

Horatio Cornblower

I hope like hell that the Dodgers are just having a base case of nerves, because they look like absolute shit right now.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“That’s why you run hard every play.”

–White People

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Dracula: dead and loving it FTW.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ask anyone to name a single actor from the movie Airplane and…after they name Kareem Abdul Jabbar, ask them to name another one and they will all say “Leslie Nielsen”.

Sharkbait

Robert Stack!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jack Palance!

/is not in the movie

Unsurprised

/still shat bigger than you

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Lloyd Bridges!

Spanky Datass

Barbara Billingsly as The Jive Beaver!

Horatio Cornblower

Robert Hays.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Jim Phelps?

Petronel

Julie Hagerty! Rip Torn!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A horse!

Horatio Cornblower

OTTO!

Petronel

And Stephen Stucker as Johnny! (Yeah, had to look him up)

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Redshirt

He’s an real person? I thought the collective genius of everyone in that movie just condensed into that bit part.

Game Time Decision

What happens when Leslie Nielsen is the first name?

WCS

Johnathon Banks (Mike from Breaking Bad and Saul)

Unsurprised

The guy who played Joe Isuzu in the commercials was one of the Hari Krishnas. David Leisure.

Unsurprised

The guy who played Lo Pan was one of the protagonist’s seatmates who kills himself (dressed as a WW2 Japanese soldier).

Unsurprised

The original white-haired pilot with Kareen was Jim Phelps on Mission: Impossible.

Redshirt

Underratedly good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Her facial expressions at the end screamed “Should I use my taser? Nah, he’s harmless and I have witnesses.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That guy is defintely a member of the Cobra Kai dojo.

Unsurprised

Nice photo

h

ttps://i.pixxxels.cc/KFbTTsz0/yi-DWG3s-Y-o.jpg

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like that there’s plenty of time to anticipate the nutshot.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’s almost like it’s in slow motion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tough but fair.

Spur

so am watching baseball, what do i do with my hands?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Load the pipe, or mix a drink.

litre_cola

This guy gets it!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Actually doing both right now.

Unsurprised

Or clear the pipe.

Sharkbait

Fuck yeah Ice Giants

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Um, they’re called Frost Giants…”

– 7th level Paladin

Spur

The Cowboys should have traded that 1st round pick for Carr.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Having three teams to keep track of in terms of rooting for them to lose for draft position purposes is like owning three fantasy teams.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Looks like Willa is going to dump rain on South Texas for the next 24-30 hours. Boss already gave her blessing for me to work from home rather than make the 35 mile drive in shit weather. So, since I don’t have to get up at 0415 to drive in, some rum will be punished this evening.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, there’s *another* hurricane? Yeah, this is totally normal.

Viva La Tabula Raza

God aimed this one at the asylum-seeker caravan that has all the Fox watchers shitting their pants, so it’s all good.

Unsurprised

Remember in 2005 when they ran out of alphabet names?

Spur
Viva La Tabula Raza

Up yours, Obama!comment image

Unsurprised

It kills me that these losers are happier, more productive, more social, and basically better off than me in every regard while being proud of their shittiness.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

Anyone need a job in Sac? You have to open at 5:30 but leave at 2:30pm.

herodotus450

Leaving early from the Sac is my specialty…

litre_cola

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Spur

Folks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Scott Pruitt’s inspiration.comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Oh, God. The smell.

Unsurprised

And then a fire, to boot!

Spur

Which one’s the top?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The fabric sales person.

Unsurprised

I hope everyone else feels better than I do. I hope this is just a cold.

h

ttps://pixxxels.cc/yDvK7ndj

Brick Meathook

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litre_cola

So I was supposed to be in Edmonton right now. I normally hate that place but I had procured a ticket to Ice Stillers v Ice Eskimos and I was jacked. Then the union for the company I work for goes on rolling strikes and chooses Edmonton to start the week and my trip was cancelled, I am not at the game and took a bath on the cost. Bitching done.

herodotus450

Eulers with McDavid are like a mule with a spinning wheel

herodotus450

…They stink!

blaxabbath

Another casualty of Big Union.

litre_cola

Just unlucky that of all the sites they chose that one. I think it is here tomorrow so I will work from home while watching futbol. Work, now with weed!

Unsurprised

What’s a union?

JustStopDude

Boss just emailed me….

“JSD…are you going to be in the office tomorrow?”

I email back “I’m back, but I literally touched down like 3 hours ago. The time zone change is going to be tough”

He emailed back “Then you should be asleep right now. But you are awake. We both know why you are awake. Shoot for 10am”.

I forget that my boss used to be a field engineer…so he knows…the best way to flip you sleep schedule is to just get fast ripping drunk. So he knows I am just drinking like a fish until I pass out…

Unsurprised

Good work

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Why did you answer your email? “Oh, sorry. I was in Airport Security so I couldn’t check my email.”

Game Time Decision

Watching Archer, season 9. I’d rather go drinking with Pam than Sterling

WCS

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Unsurprised

She’d actually have your back in a bar fight.

litre_cola

Did someone mention joining a cult?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g6h1vI4Xv0

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

That reminds me…
/Adds “start a cult” to to-do list

Unsurprised

But that’s so much work.

herodotus450

/Crosses off “start a cult”
//Adds “join an existing cult”

Unsurprised

I just want to get laid, dude.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

That doesn’t strike me as an effective batting stance.

litre_cola

A live look in to the qb room at Raiders headquarters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2_W-BCppQY

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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What’s fer dinner?

herodotus450

Heh all you chumps buying lottery tickets, meanwhile genius me over here just got his ticket to the binary lottery. 50-50 chance to win!

Game Time Decision

Too bad your ticket number is 0000 0000 0000 0000

herodotus450

Did you get 1111 1111 1111 1111? I’ll give you 5 bucks for it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

The Mayor: Intent? How’d you establish that?

Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through a dark alley with a butcher knife and a hard on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What about a naked woman trying to call a taxi in a real hurry?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Shoulda used her Uber app.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Her phone is sticky.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It was the only place to put it.

JustStopDude
ArmedandHammered

Did Smoltz just call Matt Kemp, Matt Cunt?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope this is a sweep. Of course I would like to see Sox win it, but would not burst into tears if LAD win. Just 4 games, no more, of having to listen to fucking Joe Buck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Sometimes I think you are sending me messages that I just can’t translate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Me either; they are from outer space.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unrelated; why someone hasn’t used that GIF with the “Deal With It” meme is beyong me.

Game Time Decision

My team lead is in town so I actually go into the office as I am lucky enough to mostly work from home. My team goes out for dinner on the company dime. Dinner and drinks are now over so trying to go home. I take public transit in and out of the city. Miss my train by 2 minutes and need to catch the next one 25 minutes later only for that one now to be delayed. Why could it have been the earlier train delayed.
/whining over

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

How does Wisconsin/Minnesota have two basketball teams but only one hockey team?

Brocky

Because everyone in Wisconsin is too busy bandwagoning the blackhawks?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In four and a half years in the NFL, Derek Carr has missed a total of three games.

January 1, 2017: Broken leg.
January 7, 2017: Broken leg.
October 8, 2017: Transverse process fracture.

Fuck this “soft” noise.

Sharkbait

But can he handle the Gruden Grinder???

No. Apparently not.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is bullshit; people sitting at desks calling a pro athlete in a contact sport ‘soft.”

Also; his mascara didn’t even run.

blaxabbath

Seriously. Brady is hard and tough because he yells at refs and gets all passive aggressive with his wide outs. Carr is quarterback for the Raiders and after six weeks and three hours of physical torture that would make even Gina Haspel blush (after rolling waves of dusty orgasms), Carr breaks character when there is no towel to throw over his head — so he’s the bitch?

The ability for the US populace to live in two absolutely contesting realities at any given moment is the heart of all our non drinking water problems.

Sharkbait

So not only did I dislocate my shoulder, I also apparently fractured the ball joint. Hoping it doesnt require surgery.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Steve McNair would play through that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well fuck, sorry. On another note; isn’t The Ball Joint a predominately gay bar in west LA, or am I thinking of the bowling alley?

ballsofsteelandfury

The Balls Joint is my soul food/ strip club concept.

blaxabbath

BBQ sauce under the black light would give away inappropriate touching.

Redshirt

Whose in the World Series this year? I honestly don’t know.

JustStopDude

I’m back in the US. My flight from Amsterdam to Dulles was surreal. It seemed like two thirds of the plane was made up of retired Americans.

So incredibly loud and obnoxious. The entire flight, I had an old lady telling me everything she found wrong with “you Europeans”. I think she thought I was from Europe or something.

So we land. One of the old people demand that everyone wait in their seats until they get off because they have a connecting flight. I couldn’t help myself. “Sir…its Dulles…no one intentionally comes to Dulles…we all have connecting flights” to which the old lady that was sitting next to me turns to her friend and says “See Barb? Every single one of these people are rude. They forget we won the war for them”

So we hit customs. Everyone is waiting for their luggage. Every other fucking thing coming out of the back is a walker. I get my luggage. One of the old ladies is complaining that the person pushing them in a wheel chair is not bowling over people. We get to the part where people with global entry and everyone else gets separated. I have global entry. One of the ladies just blurts out “Why does he get in the short line?!? He shouldn’t even be allowed into the US”

Ten minutes later, I am near my gate, eating a hamburger that isn’t fit to be fed to a dog, while CNN is shown in the background and apparently Trump was doing his moronic daily act.

I fucking should have stayed in the Netherlands….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We need more ice floes

JustStopDude

What really pissed me off is none of these people were old enough to serve or even be adults during WWII. At best, they were alive when the Korean and the Vietnam Wars happened. Now I will take a lot of shit from the WWII generation.

But some fucking housewife from Minnesota…its a bit irritating to be stuck in a metal tube for 9 hours with a bunch of Trump voters.

I was praying that the plane would just slam into the Atlantic…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When I’m overseas I try to be extra polite (very difficult for me) to try and counterbalance a tiny bit of these fucking US assholes. A guy I have to travel with a lot, our client PM, is one of those, albeit young, I cringe, roll my eyes, and try to be nice to the people this fucking cunt is being rude to. He is a fucking picky whiny cunt which the rudeness profound.

Fuck those people.

Unsurprised

This would be a great planet if not for the people.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You really should have made a point to go up to the woman bitching about the short line and laughed right in her face.

JustStopDude

I suspect that this would result in somehow me getting violently arrested.

Its amazing…I ALWAYS get randomly selected for further TSA screening…

Viva La Tabula Raza

You have the patience of Job.

blaxabbath

::Patoently waits for a job::

-C Kaepernick

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I remain utterly astonished by the degrees of incompetence in the business world. Lotto me.

Brick Meathook

When I win me my $1.6 billion I’m gonna get me a whole mess of eggplants and squash em all over my face.

JustStopDude

I’m one of those pricks that never play the lotto, but I have a fully fleshed out 35 step plan on how I would spend the money.

It involves ghosting pretty much everyone I know…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What number are the hookers under?

JustStopDude

Step 1B…1C…12 through…28…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That adds up; you are using the same formula as I am.

Game Time Decision

Fyi Canadians dont pay tax on lottery winnings. And get most of the state tax back. If you win, let me cash the ticket. I’ll give you 75% and keep the rest. Both ahead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A Canadian Prince just emailed me.

Unsurprised

But capitalism is the best possible system.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, who is DFO rooting for in the World Series?

My zip code obligates me to root for Los Doyers even though I find a couple of them to be complete assholes.

Unsurprised

Meteor

Redshirt

Feces Pile Donation.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think as long as the Sawx aren’t playing the Yankees, it’s safe to root against them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just want to see exciting game. But it’s baseball, so I’m prepared to be disappointed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I hate Boston, but would like something a bit different…. maybe really bad food poisoning for everybody on both teams os some…. shit like that.

“But I didn’t have the salmon mousse!”

Brick Meathook

Who is this unkempt youngster?

WCS

Fuck the Sawx with a rusty pick-axe.

Redshirt

After a long and stressful day at work, I just wanted to go unwind, decompress and relax.

Instead I went home.

Redshirt

Also, John Cena.

ArmedandHammered

Has DFO Con dates for this year been determined? I was thinking about trying to attend.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not officially. Last I heard, we were discussing between going to New Orleans, Vegas or possibly even Puerto Rico in mid-November or early December. I’ll see if we can get a decision shortly.

Brick Meathook

I would like to suggest Playa del Rey, a delightful beach community in glamorous Los Angeles, where the legal marijuana is piled up like bales of hay on every street corner and the free booze flows freely in every bar if you know the secret password.

ballsofsteelandfury

I support this brilliant suggestion.

Redshirt

I want to go, but I’m on a budget. How much does FedEx Ground cost to send a 250 pound package?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This brick fellow is going places

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Through a window with a note.