Your “NFL, Consider Me Whelmed” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

There’s some sporto-related tidbits out there on the innerwebs so I thought I’d share-

Terrell Owens: Having finished his daily driveway workout, Mr. Owens told the cat lady at the corner that Eli Manning is ‘all washed up’. The rest of his day was spent arguing with drive-thru clerks at the major burger chains.

Hue Jackson: The ex-Browns coach rode the rails with Jim Tomsula and Ben McAdoo. The Hobo Daily News reports that Hue is said to be coming around on fried raccoon.

Jack Patera: The Seattle Seahawks very first coach will be tossing/catching salmon at a fish market in upstate Washington. He passed at the age of 85.

Willie McCovey: “Big Mac”, the owner of 521 home runs said farewell to this mortal coil.

Jameis Winston: Asked about his benching, Winston said a number of adult things. I’ll assume that tomorrow he’ll insist that he was mis-quoted.

TO THE GAME!

Raiders/Niners:

In a game “featuring” two one-win sides, tonight is all about Nick Mullen. As an undrafted free agent from Southern Mississippi newly-released from the practice squad, this is the first game that Nick has played in several years that actually matters. This tasty 6 foot 1 inch, 213 pounder has never packed groceries so you can forget about him being the second coming of the husband of Brenda Warner. No doubt he’ll be introduced to what passes for the Niners receiving corps at some point during the first quarter. Erwin Rommel was asked about Mullen being thrown to the Care Bears that is is the Raiders D-his reply was, “That’s quality tanking!”

Wipe the ‘anticipation spittle’ from the sides of your mouth before typing please.

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litre_cola

I now want Collinsworth become a head coach so I can see him in pain like Gruden is right now.

Sharkbait

I would say Gruden made a huge mistake, but he’s making a shit ton of money that’s guaranteed.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I must confess that I’m surprised that the score in this isn’t 9-6 or something like that.

herodotus450

Submitted for your approval, a tie in the Insanity league of yore, a result to put all other coincidences to shamecomment image
Among other things, you got points for first downs, 4th down stops, and yardage milestones. OH AND 18 man rosters in a 20 team league.

litre_cola

Jesus christ that is something special right there.

Sharkbait

Good lord. How???

herodotus450

I don’t seem to have access to the head to head scores, so the details are lost to the ages

ballsofsteelandfury

I do love those team names from that league.

Horatio Cornblower

DORA & HER FUCK MONKEY WAS MY TEAM!!!!

And I honest to Christ have no recollection of that tie.
Sill did a lot of, uh, interesting things around here, but credit where credit is due, the Insanity League was awesome.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think I know one gif that won’t make Quotables…

Unsurprised

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Spur

i got some sweet CatNip, want to come over fancy lady?

Spanky Datass

Jebus fuck! I didn’t need to see that.

Sharkbait

GAHHHH

Viva La Tabula Raza

If a bear shits in the woods, does it use Charmin to wipe it’s ass, and does anyone hear it?

Spur

Bigfoot has big ears.

King Hippo

Also, I may be crazy, but think LSU has a puncher’s chance under the lights at home v. Bama. Surely can make the 14.5-pt spread.

Spur

oh yes, please bet the under – Satan

litre_cola

I really want to watch that but I feel in this timeline it will disappoint .

King Hippo

it’s always the violentest match of the season, even when one isn’t super great. LSU is at least Top 10-calibre good this year, it should be enjoyable teevee

Spanky Datass

The Aggies D is the best Bama has played so far (24th). The rest were between like 64 and 124. Bayou Bengal D is top 20. Just sayin’.

Spur

69er dead. Everyone was calling for the Docs.

King Hippo

Jalen Richard were making quite the face

Col. Duke LaCross

That was gruesome.

King Hippo

Remember Emo Carr making his all-fired up pre-game speech?

Spur

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Beerguyrob

I know Joe keeps saying this is Mullins’ first NFL start, but I posit it can only count if he plays an NFL team, which the Raiders are clearly not.

herodotus450

I haven’t seen this much inappropriate scoring in Florida since the 2000 presidential ballot Jameis Winston’s first house party at FSU.
/Score, definition 6: a notch or mark for keeping an account or record.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Wonder how much by the hour that hottie charges Davis to be seen with him.

Spur

she’s on retainer.

King Hippo

part of the Vegas bid package?

herodotus450

Only because he forgot to take it out before going to sleep.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I had paid for advertising on this telecast I’d demand my money back. There can’t be more than 1/10 the average audience watching this by now.

Sharkbait

yet here we are.

litre_cola

Hai internet friend!

King Hippo

#JustCommentists

/and nihilists, but I repeat myself

Spur

DFO is a selective Group. Advertisers keep throwing Bud Light at us.

...

That’s because we’re all the mead-loving dope in the stocks.

WCS

Mead sucks.

...

So do we.

*sighs*

So do we.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wish it was Detroit doing this to Oakland and Carr, then we could make jokes about Christians and Lions.

Spur

This is Chris Benoit WWE RAW tribute night bad.

Beerguyrob

It’s more Owen Hart fell from the rafters but keep the PPV going bad.

King Hippo

Hey, alright, he lined that one over 40 yards!

Spanky Datass

Scorigami possibilities: 31 – 5, 31 – 18.
Aw, who am I kidding 49ers got seventeen more points in ’em.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Spur

Cursed image.

Spur

Free Carr!

King Hippo

TOO MUCH

King Hippo

Anecdotal evidence is nae data, but I waited 15-20 minutes to vote early for President in 2016. At the same site (and I always vote on Thursday if I can help it, as is good luck day), waited almost a full hour this afternoon. And I went at like 1:30, thinking I’d miss the worst of it.

Sharkbait

Hey advertisers:
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herodotus450

A punt in the Temple-tilt? The fuck is going on?

litre_cola

I wonder if Bill has his Temple hoodie in the big house.

King Hippo

traded it for some really good flavours of Cup-a-soup

rockingdog

found a funny:
Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Or Jesus, for that matter.

King Hippo

that one is already a David Cross routine – “We were gonna win the game…until JESUS made me fumble

Petronel

Any team can look competent when this is what’s across the line of scrimmage

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Romonobyl

Oakland’s defense with a touch of rennet.

Gratliff

Wife just asked if Gruden has plot armor

— Cassandra, Pudgy Nobody (@ChrisWarcraft) November 2, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Gatoraids

1.) Play raiders every week
2.) ???
3.) Profit

Romonobyl

I for one am officially boycotting network TeeVee until after the election. I thought the political ads in Texas were bad, ain’t got nothin’ on Virginia.

...

They’re even bad in Illinois because every swing district touches the Chicago metro area.

King Hippo

That would be a good incentive for early voting, if the bots inside our TVs could tell, then quit showing us ads afterwards

Spur

Redzone on Sunday buddy

King Hippo

it is funny when you watch like a SECN or PAC-12 network JV match, you get to see some really out-of-market ads

herodotus450

I for one am officially boycotting network TeeVee

Fixed taht for you

Romonobyl

Pretty accurate.

Gratliff

lol

Viva La Tabula Raza

So SF QB is unexpectedly good, or OAK defense really shitty? I’m still mulling it over.

herodotus450

Mulling or mulling, eh? Eh? Get it?
oh wait.

King Hippo

99.5% OAK defensing

litre_cola

Sharkbait and Bfc’s tie in fantasy astounds me every time I look at that league. I am no mathlete but the odds would have to be astounding.

Sharkbait

The last 2 Pats garbage time sacks cost me my first win.

And based on my lineup right now, I dont look at it until thursdays or sundays…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How many decimal places?

litre_cola

2

Sharkbait

2.

rockingdog
Viva La Tabula Raza

OK, I give up. I can usually figure out what y’all’s obscure, opaque nicknames for teams, and why they are assigned, but I am stumped by Hitler Mice for UCF. Please advise.

litre_cola

New one for me.

King Hippo

They play in Orlando = Disney. Which makes me think of Mickey, and of the vile anti-semite Walt Disney. Hitler Mice. Pretty simple wen u think about it.

litre_cola

I might be high but that is the most obscure one yet.

King Hippo

You could make a pretty neat helmet out of it, though.

Viva La Tabula Raza

An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters would never have got that one.

King Hippo

thus, the Politburo has yet to replace me with Hippo Thoughts version of DJ-3000. Key word being yet.

WCS

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...
herodotus450

I know what it means of course, but I’ll let someone else explain.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hippo may have gotten into the pills early tonight…

King Hippo

actually late, work has been smashing mah bollocks this week

/am catching up

WCS

Who’s going to give Mullens $60 million over four years guaranteed in the offseason? Texans? Cardinals? Bills?

YOU DECIDE

Sharkbait

JEST!

King Hippo

a real defensing unit will destroy this Mullins motherfucker, he’s got merde for brains

WCS

HOLD MY CORONA

King Hippo

that said…he gots Gigantes and MRSA next

WCS

Frostee Rucker is still alive?!

litre_cola

Top 5 name

Petronel

“Frostee Rucker Is Still Alive” would be a good band name too

King Hippo

what a goddamned catch!

Sharkbait

NOW MAKE IT BREIDA

King Hippo

we are destined for PAIN tonight, would seem

/at least he recovered his FUMBRE

WCS

Sweet mother of shit, Joe Buck.

Sharkbait

Who is going to leave their mark? The only mark being left by this game is a skid mark.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That reminds me, I’ve got to wash my undies while I telework tomorrow.

King Hippo

terrible call, he was pushing a dirty player OFF of him

herodotus450

Not gonna be many unburnt barns left in Florida after this UCF game

King Hippo

obligatory “shoulda bet the over but Hippo NEVAR bets over/under so I really don’t sweat these things, just notice and am really just happy I covered my ML bet by ALSO betting the first half result” comment re Cosbies/Hitler Mice.

like y’all wasn’t all thinkin’ the same daggum thing

King Hippo

Speaking of the Hitler Mice (we should all be watching JV at the half, respite for the eyes), I wonder if when that Shaqeem guy was a freshman, the coaching staff was uneasy about asking him to play special teams.

King Hippo

if I was on the sideline, I’d go with “Coach, can you tell me something that isn’t a cliche?”

King Hippo

Little known fact! The Mission Also Continues because we will always find new brown ppls to bomb.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

CLOSE, he has a beard

King Hippo

NOW, c’mon surprise onside kick!

King Hippo

Even without safeties, this has exceeded all hopes I had for comedic potential.

/also, the 2nd half could still provide those

Sharkbait

I would love a safety.

King Hippo

Back on page 1, we were still hoping for 4. Seems a tad ambitious, now.

Sharkbait

Never underestimate the ineptitude of teams with a combined 2 wins.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“But not Eric Reid”
–90% of NFL owners

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Stupid me not starting Pierre Garcon

Sharkbait

“From the streets of New York”. Get back to me when they do that broadcast from 125th street and not 6th Avenue