Holy shit, kids.  This slate is amazeballs.  To the point where I can’t even say anything smart-ass, just want to play badass band of our times The National’s epic John Kerry song:

Nebraska at Ohio State (Noon, Fox)

This is on national Fox…why?  This will feature some epic tOSU vengeance, for Redshirt’s viewing pleasure.  I am watching to scout the QB, and to collect my first #HAILGAMBLOR of the day (bet this at -17, now up to -19).

Texas A&M at Auburn (Noon, ESPN)

Battle between the two SEC West sides I simply can’t get any sort of read on.  Profiles as a defensive struggle, so my early bet for 45-42 bananacakes action.

Michigan State at Maryland (Noon, ESPN)

Sparty only favoured by 3, this is taking candy from a baby.  But who would eat turtle-flavoured candy?  Ewwwwwwwww.

Georgia at Kentucky (3:30, CBS)

Perhaps the most interesting match of the afternoon, personally.  This could go two ways – Jawja could just rip UK a new one, shaking off its offensive doldrums…or Kenfucky could control the clock with its run game and defense, and pull things out of their ass in Q4 once again.  Either way, I like to see epic atmosphere in places not used to same.

Florida State at NC State (3:30, ABC)

Did you see anything the last two weeks to indicate that my shitty wolves should be 9-point favourites against anybody right now, even a dysfunctional Noles squadron like this?  They still have enough talent to at least keep it close, so $50 on the opposition it is.

West By God Virginia at Texas (3:30, Fox)

There Will Be Points.  Had UT won last week, I would have bet the fuckers du cousins here, but in present circumstances I shall just be an interested spectator.  Grier is another QB I am scouting for Donks WOO!!

Paedo State at Michigan (3:45, ESPN)

On a normal JV day, this would be high on the watch list, not the #4 option of the viewing window.  At least one of these shitsuckers has to lose, eh?

Duke at Miami (7:00, ESPN2)

I have the Devils ATS (+9.5) and ML (+300).  Da U is hot garbage, kiddies.  Duke has lost 3 ACC matches, but most in heartbreak-y fashion.  This is the kind of opponent they beat under Cutcliffe.

Alabama at LSU (8:00, CBS)

Here’s your moneymaker, and the way we can get at least ONE of Notre Dame or the B1G champion out of the playoffs – LSU wins out.  1-loss Bama gets in again, after all, they won the title last year that way.  LSU gets in as the SEC champ and #1/2 seed.  And the Bayou Bengals have the defense to have a puncher’s chance under the Death Valley lights, though I only bet the absurd 14.5-point spread.  Bonus is this is always the most violent fixture of the JV slate, so is great for satisfying one’s ever-present blood lust.

Oklahoma at Texas Tech (8:00, ABC)

Just in case, ABC is also showing the Northern Steer Fucker Alliance, perhaps blowing their annual chance at sneaking into the playoffs v. Guns Up!!  Plausibly interesting match, in any event.

Stanford at Washington (9:00, PAC-12)

Wow, this got relegated all the way down to conference network only?  Maybe lacks the sizzle it did 3-4 weeks ago, but still a pretty solid matchup.  And the Trees will cover +10, easy.  These are roughly equal sides, in my view.

Cal at Washington State (10:45, ESPN)

But NAY!  That last one ain’t even your tweaker match, as we have an excellent one on the Paloose.  Wazzu has struggled into the Top 10 this week, just as they did last season ahead of playing the Bears…when they lost 37-3 in Berkeley.  One expects revenge is on their minds, but the Cougs also just used up quite a bit of emotional energy v. the Quackers.  Really looking forward to this.