Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 11, 2018

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Well, terrible (even by Ginger Hammer Era NFL standards) kind of ruined my enjoyment of this week, what wasn’t ruined by the mediocrity of the slate.

This included the Donks WOO!! trip to Shitty Clipper-land, when an absolutely bizarre OPI call seemingly killed a potential game-winning drive.  But full credit to Case Keenum, he sacked up, converted 3rd and long with 2 great passes and McManus ended up booting the game winner anyway.  23-22, and the cromulent 6-game winning streak is over.  THANK FUCK.  Worth noting that Denver likely doesn’t even get in FG position if not for King Laserface’s bizarre throwing the ball away on 3rd down at midfield, giving Keenum and crew a 40 second bonus.

In more successful fuckery, the zebras fully gave away the Jaguras’ rightful win over the Yinzers.  You all saw it.  PIT is now 100% worse than the P*ts, in my view.  Just fuck those guys.  Luckiest bunch of shits ever.

David Johnson also had the clinching TD run called back by a late holding call, Derek Carr somehow managed to similarly lead pre-Vegas down the field for a game winning FG.  23-21, futility bowl clinched.

N’Awlins just eviscerated Philly, and I suppose there is just no more debate over the best team in the League.  Still, they leave me cold, despite all the fun with Tayson Hill.  Iggles are a dumpster fire, now that teams have tape on Dakota Jeebus (and no healthy DBs).

Atlanta is just as cooked as the defending champs, following a home loss to DAK! and pals.  22/23 seems to be the lucky number, with 22-19 being your final here.  Julio Jones was meastly in defeat, but nobody else stepped up.

A missed extra point (and short FG) ended up costing the Black Panthers a win in DET.  Riverboat Ron, no longer trusting his kicker nor likely feeling great about OT. went for 2 with 1:07 left and Cam missed the open receiver.  20-19, Cuck Lions.  Those NFC Wild Card sides no longer look so threatening.

But speaking of that…the Colt McCoy era has dawned for the 6-4 Redacteds, who came up just short on a 63-yard would-be-winning FG.  Another 23-21 lucky number win, despite Coach Buttchinski’s best efforts to give it away.  Unless the Non-Gendered Cowpersons continue their hot streak, that sad WAS unit will host a playoff game this January.  Yikes.  As pointed out by coked-out RedZone guy, this was 33 years to the day since that Monday Night Football LT/Theismann moment.  And Theismann hisself was in the stadium watching Tiny Hands getting his lower leg torn plum off.  If you didn’t see it, makes sure you pull up YouTube on an empty stomach.

Sad but entertaining!  Elisha wins 2 straight, 38-35 over Team MRSA.  BloodSugarFitzMagic is back in the doghouse.

Did you know Balmer’s starting QB tied Saquon Barkley with 27 carries on the day?  Also like Saquon, he won by 3 points, 24-21.  Let the LAMAR! campaign begin, while Cincy continues drifting aimlessly.  They at least put up a good effort this week.

That leaves only the Humps’ demolition of the Tits, 38-10.  I guess we should have expected an implosion after that complete team effort to take apart the P*ts, but I really didn’t see this much reversion.

Sunday Night brings the battle for NFC North pole position.  I really liked that video game as a kid.  Instead of staying up to type, I plan to get medium drunk and will #TheProphecy over the line.  Fuck, are the Vikings ever boring.  Let’s have some new blood!

 

 

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Doktor ZymmSenor WeaseloBrettFavresColonoscopyyeah rightballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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yeah right

An absolutely dispiriting loss and another lost season.

I’m not going to be confused as being a Kirk Cousins supporter. He’s a blithering shithead and a bullshit artist who conned the Wilfs out of 84 million. Thank Christ it’s only a three year contract.

At least we can knock out the Packers next week which will be the only thing worth remembering from this season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do eeeet

Old School Zero

I TOLD you bout dem bolts. I’d seen that game over and over through the years of Rivers at the helm. The von miller interception was just natural; I could see that from when they lined that play up. Sloppy. They now begin clinging to the wildcard spot by their fingernails.

Don T

Random Tit crap: DC Dean Pees had to be taken to the hospital in the 2nd QRT. I hope it ain’t a stroke, a fireable offense in Houston.

Outstanding shit: BlaineGabbert had THE WORST INT of the whole NFL season. It was right to the hands of a LB three yards in front of him. Number of Titan players around: ZERO! Sign Kaep you cowards!! 🤬🖕🏽

The expected: The TEN OL sucked, again. Mariota gets injured, the “He’s not The Guy” narrative is back. Maybe there’s something to the “Going out on Sundays”* tripe.

* Playoffs excepted

Wakezilla

Blaine Yo Gabba Gabbert with the worst pick of the season? …. story checks out.

I really hope they do sign Kaep because otherwise, I might have to support the ‘Dacteds

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Bears being in first is weird. The Bears having issues closing out emphatically is not.

Don T

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d like to go on record as saying that, while I knew I was gonna get my ass kicked for the 9th straight week this week….

Senor getting 32 pts out of TY Hilton while I get barely 3+ out of Wentz…..that’s complete and utter bullshit.

Screw you guys, I’m going home

theeWeeBabySeamus
Senor Weaselo

In fairness that washes out with me starting Mariota?
/Need to win here to stay in 1st because I’m definitely losing next week with Hill, Kelce, and Gurley on bye

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s very entertaining to me to see Cowboys fans talk themselves into thinking Amari Cooper has been “balling out” for them after he puts up numbers like last night’s 3 catches for 36 yards.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Fun Fact: 3/36s is what Ol’DubbleJ considers a good night of “balling out,” too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As long as I live I will never figure out people.

Some little sawed off dude from South Carolina (based on their car’s license plates) just threatened to kick my ass. Why? Because after loading my stuff into Dave for the drive home, I opened and held open the door for his wife/girlfriend, who was struggling with a luggage cart, to get it back inside. I was only trying to be nice, helpful. She was appreciative of the assist. Maybe that’s the problem there? She smiled and said thank you? Then this little shithead went and threatened me.

Dude, a simple “thank you” would have sufficed. This is why I should never go out in public anymore.

I’m sure she’s going to have a fun drive home with that guy.

Jeebus. smgdh.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Did you offer to get him a step-stool so he could threaten you eye-to-eye?

Oh, and did he drive a big ol’truck with a lift kit and huge pipes?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I disengaged. Don’t need to end up in a Florida jail for assault.
Dude was amazingly irritated by it, however.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Insecurity is not a pretty thing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No, indeed it is not. I’ll never figure out why women put up with that stuff.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Me neither, but clearly it has evolved (and worked) as a reproductive strategy for lesser men.

SonOfSpam

Could be worse. He coulda left towels on the bathroom floor.

ballsofsteelandfury

THIS!!

Doktor Zymm

That’s honestly a sign of an abusive relationship, so hopefully she’s planning to stop putting up with that stuff

Wakezilla

“after loading my stuff into Dave”

/Insert “Are we not doing phrasing anymore?” Gif here

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve figured out the secret of what I can do, as a fan, to help the Raiders win. It’s to turn off the TV in disgust because I’m convinced that they have completely blown any chance they have of winning the game.

Doktor Zymm

There was briefly a Wikipedia edit on Alex Smith’s page with the phrase ‘future manager of Dick’s Sporting Goods after suffering a career ending leg break’

Harsh, random Wikipedia editor, harsh

theeWeeBabySeamus

I went out of my way to watch zero footy this weekend. Yet there I am at dinner yesterday evening with Lesser Vegas and Birdcano on the teevee box right in front of me, in spite of my best efforts. Thanks a lot generic sports bar/restaurant.

I’d like to say it ruined my appetite, but that would be a lie. I kept eating, but I still was not happy about it. And I did order an extra shot after the Fightin’ Al Davis’ last second win. So at least I got that going for me.

Ian Scott McCormick

Small quibble: Shouldn’t it be “BloodSugarFitzMagik” (ending with a k as opposed to a c)?

blaxabbath

[DFO]: Where spelling counts

Ian Scott McCormick

I wasn’t sure if we use the Red Hot Style Guide where things are spelled Caliphonetically

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eli Manning has been a member of the “telling not spelling” crowd since grade school, though his tattling has never endeared him to his classmates.

LemonJello
LemonJello

That would definitely put him at odds to Ray Lewis’s “Snitches (among others) Get Stitches” platform.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As opposed to Adrian Peterson’s “Snitches (among others) Get Switches” platform.

ballsofsteelandfury

Has anyone seen the Pats’ remaining schedule? Those fuckers will not lose another game and will end up with the #1 seed again.

Hippo, keep your hate where it rightfully belongs.

litre_cola

I assume without looking that it is a full dose of Bills, Jests and LOLfins.

ballsofsteelandfury

Indeed. 2 Jets, 1 Bills, 1 Fins and a very merry Christmas.

blaxabbath

I picked up the first couple segments of the Cardinals postgame show yesterday. Before taking calls, the hosts agreed it was a lot of self-inflicted wounds and poor clock management that led to a home loss to the Raiders. The first couple callers weren’t as insane as I would have expected and I think this caught the hosts off guard. So when the caller came in suggesting Steve Wilks should go, one the hosts straight hung up on the guy and went all, “In not going to even go there.
No way. It’s not even been a full season and it isn’t happening.” Like, yeah bro, neither is any sort of player development under a staff that can’t develop players. Neither is Steve Keim going to suddenly nail a draft class after spending the last three seasons taking scouting trips to different regional Applebee’s to slam Big Mouth Margaritas in lieu of watching college kids. At this point, Cardinals broadcasting is Fox News. Just a bunch of hacks doing the most insane mental gymnastics to explain why everything is the fault of the players and nothing the ownership does is that bad. That the roster was solid until they all signed then 53 guys became uncoachable and allergic to football overnight — so how can you blame the front office when the players are the enemy of the fans?

Just move this franchise to LA where they appreciate things like dumpsters burning perpetually.

ballsofsteelandfury

Can we pick a different city to move teams to? I would think that LA’s complete rejection of the Chargers (and soon to be complete rejection of the Rams as soon as they stop winning) would show everyone that LA doesn’t want teams to move here.

blaxabbath

No. All teams get shoved into LA because they’re unwanted. If Mike Bidwill wants to find and build his own stadium in Portland, he can go there. Otherwise, pay Stan some rent and enjoy being LA3.

ballsofsteelandfury

Tough but fair. Can we at least select shitty LA suburbs? I like the sound of the Santa Fe Springs Swapmeet Cardinals.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, City of Industry!