I’ve always said that, if you really want to know who you are, look at what products are advertised to you. Advertising is an over $200 billion per year industry and these dollars aren’t just thrown around fruitlessly. No sir, modern advertisements utilize pinpoint accuracy to hit a desired customer base. That’s right. When we all sit here and rip Bud Light Limerita commercials, I guarantee you someone is sipping on a refreshing BLL-ita as they type.

This is the beauty of advertising. No press is bad press and yet, somehow, this is the only boutique sports website that isn’t profitable enough to be picked up by Sports Illustrated. Do I blame DTZM? Well, maybe silently. But does it let us argue that we are pure of heart and untainted by things like pop up banners or autoplay videos of “Stephen A. thinks the Colts should have scored!” 

But it is this purity in the sense of, “he who is without sin shall cast the first stone” that allows [DFO] to provide unbiased analysis of the effectiveness of this season’s JV Bowl Game sponsorships. As such, please see below:

Wed, Dec 26: SERVPRO First Responder Bowl
Boston College Eagles vs Boise State Broncos

Look, I hate to be Mr Negative around here but this is the absolute worst bowl game I could imagine. Formerly the Heart of Dallas Bowl after they moved the Cotton Bowl to JerryWorld. Hey, now it’s the Cops and Firefighters Bowl! Who cares that it’s a shoddy replacement for a game with longstanding tradition? Who cares that the logo is atrocious? Who cares that it’s F1rst Responder? Well, I get the sponsorship connection: house catches fire; police and firemen take care of it; SERVPRO comes in and does water remediation. But how it relates to BC and BSU? Other than the fact that no one cares, I don’t see the point. But based on the logo and the decrepit stadium, I’m guessing SERVPRO paid for this sponsorship with whatever was leftover in petty cash at the end of Q3 2018. Still not good enough though.

Sponsorship Rating: 0 FEMA funds for Puerto Rico/5.

Wed, Dec 26: Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota Golden Gophers vs Georgia Tech Bees

I did not know Quick Lane was owned by Ford so, right there, here’s some immediate ROI for the good people at Ford. Full disclosure: I’m an F-150 guy. That’s right. Remember those NERDS we used to cheat off of in high school? Yeah, well now I’m driving their airplane alloy steel designs because, when you aren’t the lead dog, the view never changes.

Sponsorship Rating: 3 Ford Flex Recalls/5.

Wed, Dec 26: Cheez-It Bowl
California Golden Bears vs Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

I don’t know what else to day. December 26 is a day of absolutely terrible bowl names. Goodness, do Skip and Stephen A. still go on the tv every year and scream at each other about whether or not it’s right for an unpaid player to sit out a bowl game in order to protect his value in the draft? It’s the fucking CHEEZ-IT BOWL, Shannon! At Chase Bank Field! The players are the only one’s not raking in the cash on this event.

Furthermore, this is Goldfish Country.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.5 Generic Cheese Crackers/5.

Thurs, Dec 27: Walk-On’s Independence Bowl
Temple University Owls vs Duke Blue Devils

Nothing says rosters full of walk ons like Temple v Duke. What’s that now? Duke’s quarterback is a potential first round draft prospect? Hmmmm, guess it turns out Walk-On’s is the name of a restaurant (Bistreaux & Bar because it’s Shreveport) that has locations absolutely nowhere near Pennsylvania or Either Carolina. So just looks like another Famous Idaho Potato or Lockheed Martin play-to-the-locals sponsorship.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.75 unsigned free agent deals/5

Thurs, Dec 27: New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Miami Hurricanes vs Wisconsin Badgers

It’s the baseball bowl. Makes total sense for the midwest Wisconsin fans. Does not do anything for the fanbase of a perpetually-resurging The U. Is this some kind of NYC-retirees-move-to-Florida angle? Because it looks to me as more of a Yankees #branding move whitewashed with the #1 name in hats. And who loves hats? Well, if my recent trip to Lids at the Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall was any indication, dumb kids that dress weird.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Sweatpants as Work Attire/5

Thurs, Dec 27: Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
Vanderbilt Cutlerinos vs Baylor Bears

So this is what Baylor gets for building a program on a foundation of covering up sexual assaults and 52 allegations of rape. Really goes to show you just how much my alma matter must suck for not being bowl-eligible this season. As far as the sponsorship goes, a major sporting goods chain sponsoring a bowl game seems like the most no-brainer out there. Especially in Texas after Dick’s announced they aren’t selling guns anymore.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 GUNS FOR SALE/5.

Fri, Dec 28: Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue Boilermakers vs Auburn Not-Bo-Jacksons

Seriously? Why even bother keeping the Music City name? Gonna send Sarah Sanders to hippopotamus her way up to the presser explaining how the fine folks at Franklin American Mortgage kept the nostalgic name of the Music City Bowl after being strong-armed by a dude who works for basically every government except the US? I don’t have a Franklin American mortgage and neither should any of these fans. They’re in Dave Ramsey country, where the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice.

Sponsorship Rating: 1 2019 Interest Rate Hike/5.

Fri, Dec 28: Camping World Bowl
West Virginia Mountaineers vs Syracuse Oranges

I don’t know. I mean, mostly because I don’t know much about WVU or SU fan bases. But, even more so, it’s because I simply do not care about either of these fan bases.

Sponsorship Rating: 2.5 Rainchecks on rain coats/5.

Fri, Dec 28: Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State Cyclones vs Washington State Cougars

Do people in Iowa use gas? I thought they went over to corn fuel or whatever. I figure this is just one of those games for cold weather teams to invite their backers to get the hell out of the snow for a few days, watch some football, and check out San Antonio — the only city where getting your ass handed to you makes you a legend. Which will be good news for ISU next week.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 Last Stands/5.

Sat, Dec 29: Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
Florida Gators vs Michigan Wolverines

Two fan bases that adore their schools’ histories and pride themselves on greatness. Sounds like Chick-fil-A to me!

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Criss-cut Fries/5

Sat, Dec 29: Belk Bowl
South Carolina Game Cocks vs Virginia Virginians

What is Belk again? Like a Dillards but for the South? I guess USC grads need to pick out something to wear each morning that will go over as brilliantly as their worn ‘Cocks’ hats.

Sponsorship Rating: 4 Shoplifted Belt Buckle Flasks/5.

Sat, Dec 29: NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl
Arkansas State Red Wolves vs Nevada Guy Lady-Wolfpack

Couple comments. First, UNR is a pretty regular invitee to this game. I assume it’s because this is Tucson’s best effort to bring back all they’ve lost to Reno — specifically, their triple-A baseball team and the bid for the Tesla battery factory. Second, and on the Tesla note, Tucson has a very-deserved reputation as not being very busy-friendly. It’s mostly because they’re an oversized small town with significant poverty issues and serious income inequality in their region BUT, when all the municipalities were vying for this Tesla factory and making their little public displays to lure the company, Tucson went ahead and issued a signed building permit for Tesla to show that red tape wouldn’t get in the way of plant construction. It was pathetic, didn’t work, and I still enjoy going back and reading the news story comments by people who were sure that Tesla would pick a place that sucks.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 College Towns with Economies Better Than Tucson’s/5

 
Mon, Dec 31: Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati Bearcats vs Virginia Tech Technically-Virginians 

I am so fucking over military appreciation. But you know who isn’t? The white peoples of Ohio and Virginia. Still though, from a sponsorship standpoint….

Sponsorship Rating: 0 Wars Won by the US since Boomers Were of Age to Fight/5

Mon, Dec 31: Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford Cardinal vs Pitt Panthers

Hard to beat up on a classic game sponsor like Hyundai when they have less control over their options of fan bases. That said, outside the Silicon Valley types, both these schools might have practical alumni bases who may be in the market for a Genesis.

Sponsorship Rating: 4.5 points of stock market growth over the past 12 months/5

Mon, Dec 31: Redbox Bowl
Michigan State Spartans vs Oregon Ducks

Hey, both these fan bases, do you like the convenience of watching a movie but don’t have more than one dollar at time and, for some reason, own a DVD player? Well then, have I got the bowl game for you! As an aside, if you’re gonna be a NYE bowl game, it should be a requirement than you feign pageantry and at least make up a name other than the sponsor. I don’t care, be the Redbox presents the Bay Bowl. That’s fine. But I hope in 10 years when SNF is interviewing Justin Herbert, he makes a crack about being Redbox Bowl MVP and then one of his teammates is like, “What’s Redbox?”

Sponsorship Rating: 1 credit score point/5

Mon, Dec 31: AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Missouri MichaelTigerSams vs Oklahoma State Cowboys

Missouri. Oklahoma. Working on rusted-out pieces of shit. AutoZone.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 dollar gas/5