Your “Shall I Compare These Games To A Summer’s Day?” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Naw, I don’t think so-it’s already been done by Shakey The Sphere and that was some time ago. Let’s compare each of these games (many of which are…hold onto your barnacles…completely irrelevant!) to say, an offering at a buffet-style restaurant or a meal/snack I enjoyed as a child.

What’s that? Did you just mutter, “I came to this site to read about all the win/lose scenarios and how dizzying it all is and also cogent analysis of the games and the why’s and wherefore’s and suchlike”. Buddy, (or skirt-whatever-you do you) did you come to the wrong end of the net. Scoot back to one of the mainstream sites where former players and mathematicians reside. You’ll feel safer there.

TO THE BUFFET! Damn, let’s try that again.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

Hey look-it’s the mashed potatoes! There’s not a single lump, so creamy. IT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE POURED OUT OF A TIN. They’re fake just like everything’s fake. [puts small amount of mashed taters on plate]

Lions/Packers:

This sides table seems to go on forever. Hey, beans! Good old beans. They keep you as regular as Detroit acquiescing to the Packers’ will year after year. (I’ve no idea what their history is, it just feels right to type it).

Jets/Pats:

Everybody loves the carving station! Look at that monstrous hip of beef from that 30+ month steer. Impressive. And that dude with the face tattoo in the chef’s hat? Probably the only place he could wield a knife that size without children crying at the sight.

Panthers/Saints:

Whoa! Check out the breasts on [clears throat] the steam table. Looks as though they’re slathered with some sort of high-fructose honey-garlic solution. Yummers!

Cowboys/Giants:

Okay, I’m not going to lie-this plate is getting a bit heavy. Hmm, something light is what I need. I believe I’ll take a single deviled egg. Ah, what the hell, I’ll grab two. [immediately makes plans to ‘Dutch Oven’ the wife later on]

Falcons/Bucs:

Soooo, what’s missing? Sides? Check. Protein? Check. Ah! Something to drink-a carbonated beverage is just the thing to wash this down. After all, this wait staff has to do something and I haven’t seen Braden in a while. Or was it Jaden? Aiden? Pretty sure it ended with an ‘n’.

Jags/Texans:

I couldn’t be more stuffed! But I didn’t pay $29.99 to walk out of here without some sort of dessert lodged in my lower intestine. Perhaps you can figure this out for me. I hate date squares but I always grab one because I feel sorry for them. There’s always plenty of them because I think most folks feel the way I do and just walk on by. Not me, I’ll put one on my plate so that it has company with things that actually taste good. And no, I’m not going to eat it. That stuff is vile.

Enjoy the offerings before you.

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rockingdog

Fun Fact!
“First kicker in Jets history to make the pro-bowl.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

TannyFanny! Would be so LOLfins to pay him $27M guaranteed next season.

Spur

Kickers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Nailed it!

  • Blair Walsh
  • Fronkenshteen

    Doc Zenner!

    Redshirt

    On the bright side, Eli Manning has technically not thrown an incomplete pass.

    Unsurprised
    Sharkbait

    Eli is going to be sent to his room if he keeps this up.

    Unsurprised

    Nice one. I missed that the first time.

    Redshirt

    There it is! We got a 1st Qtr ManningFace.

    Spur

    I’m going to miss him

    Dunstan

    Ryan Tannenhill really making a strong argument for his own release

    entropy

    These eight yard cushions are certainly a novel approach to defense.

    Redshirt

    Could this be the day that Scott Hanson goes “None of these games are exciting, but lets switch over to the History Channel where the Nazis are just outside Moscow ready to punch it in”?

    entropy

    So both New York teams are vying for the coveted “hapless team of 2018” title?

    Redshirt

    They should play each other before the Super Bowl. Loser has to change their region name to “New Jersey”.

    Dunstan

    That’s not fair. What has New Jersey done to deserve the Jets?
    /remembers “Jersey Shore”
    Never mind. Please proceed.

    BrettFavresColonoscopy

    So what are we rooting for? Just a Pats loss?

    King Hippo

    as Metallica would say, Nothing Else Matters

    /until 4:25

    Dunstan

    You say that as if the Jets beating the Pats would require less than a miracle

    King Hippo

    now like, a triple miracle

    Dunstan

    Whenever I hear “there’s an injured Dolphin,” I keep hoping someone will yell “is there a marine biologist here?” and have George Costanza step forward.

    entropy

    And then remove a football from its blowhole?

    Dunstan

    Exactly

    entropy

    Nice throw, Legohead. Next time aim for a receiver.

    King Hippo

    I am having trouble even pretending to pay attention.

    Sharkbait

    Brother in law: At least we’ll get points out of this drive

    Eli: hold my beer

    Redshirt

    *carton of chocolate milk.

    Gratliff
    Gratliff

    Let us all stand in respect as we witness the Eli’s Final Cratering.

    King Hippo

    Elisha! c’mon, make the face

    entropy

    So knowing Bowles is about to be fired, is everyone on the Jets just nodding and smiling at everything he says, replying, “yeah, Ok, ‘coach.'”

    Gratliff

    Will spend the first slate of games daydreaming of potential futurescomment image

    Gratliff

    I just love that he signed the fucking thing

    Gratliff

    Right on his dick

    Fronkenshteen

    Somehow, Scott Hansen will make this meaningless 1:00 shitpile seem unimaginably important.

    King Hippo

    the beak helps, mind

    Redshirt

    I just hooked an antenna to my TV so the live feed from Hulu doesn’t buffer in between the games. I haven’t watched a NFL games with an antenna since the last century.

    King Hippo

    you millenials ,, smh

    Redshirt

    Hey! You’re talking to someone that with the use of rabbit ear antennas, the construction of the house, and the clear night sky, who got clear reception all the way to Charleston, WV, 200 miles away.

    Sharkbait

    Yet welcome to the next century

    Gratliff

    No 2018 retrospective would be complete without acknowledging Kanye fucking up so bad that you can’t even justify listening to his old shit anymore.

    Kanye West: 'I Would've Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got' https://t.co/QzdLNyqVGF #OurAnnualYear2018 pic.twitter.com/pDnlk4iNag

    — The Onion (@TheOnion) December 30, 2018

    Redshirt

    I’m surprised that people now are realizing that Kanye is a complete idiot who shouldn’t be listened to at all.

    King Hippo

    hey, I said the same thing when he was all “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

    I mean, he was a doofus who got led by his nose into a pointless war…but the one redeeming feature about the guy was he wasn’t raycess.

    entropy

    I loved every minute of that just for the look of abject horror on Mike Myers’ face throughout.

    Fronkenshteen

    Ah, I always felt bad for him. He was trying to use his star power to raise money for victims of a horrible disaster and Kanye put him in a shit position. Fuck did Mike Myers ever do to anyone, besides “The Love Guru”?

    Redshirt

    Yeah. Plus it was the verbal equivalent of farting just as you leave a room.

    Also, you forgot “The Cat in the Hat”.

    Gratliff

    George W Bush may have systematically destroyed the American infrastructure and committed war crimes, but at least he didn’t completely hate Mexicans when he was on-the-record.

    Gratliff

    I mean, being an idiot is nothing new for any performer. This is being like uniquely stupid and problematic to the point that people can’t even bring up your name without grimacing.

    Sharkbait

    Hearing “Christmas in Hollies” in a car commercial seems so wrong.

    Fronkenshteen

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    Viva La Tabula Raza

    NFL morning show needs to move on from that “lone wolf” howling shit when they do their picks. It was annoying when they started it, now it would almost make me homicidal if I didn’t have a channel changer in hand.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Senor Weaselo

    “He throws some of the greatest incompletions I’ve ever seen.”
    Uhh…

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    I’m ready for these games.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Anal; careful with the diet.

    Gratliff

    Goddamn it. Every worthwhile game is at 4:15. What a bullshit schedule.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Spur

    Notre Dame is being rightly roasted this morning. The College Football needs to expand to 8 teams.

    Sharkbait

    Gentlemen.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Gratliff

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    Spur

    Folks.

    blaxabbath

    Ugh — the Mrs is Home today and seems to want to be productive. I want to lie around and watch football games I don’t care about because the couch is comfy and I’m lazy.

    I did feed the baby so that should give me a pass til SNF, right?

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Fronkenshteen

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    Fronkenshteen

    Week 17 DFS is “fun”.

    King Hippo

    heck, the only GAMBLOR I have even HAILED is Chefs -14.5 (as I think last week was OAK’s Superb Owl, and they will be checked out).

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Redshirt

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    rockingdog

    found a funny:

    [early 2000s]

    MUSIC PRODUCER: ok the song’s basically good to go. we just need a chorus

    AKON (kicking down the door): did somebody say chorus

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    Redshirt

    I’m not sure what I find more offensive, the fact he broke his instrument or the fact he’s saluting even though he’s not in uniform.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

    The panic is the funny part.

    King Hippo

    Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? For this early slate is laden with douches.

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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    theeWeeBabySeamus

    Tried to Nail It!!!!!!

    Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

    You needs to dream big, man.

    Fronkenshteen

    Burnley 2 – W(e’re)HU(ng) 0(ver)

    King Hippo

    y’all is as schizo as Everton

    Fronkenshteen

    Nae.

    Gratliff

    My first act of the day was to murder myself at a Polish breakfast buffet. At one point, I had kielbasa and pancakes and butterscotch pudding on the same plate. I want to die now.

    ballsofsteelandfury

    But what a way to live!

    litre_cola

    This is doing it right!

    Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

    My first act of the day was to murder myself at a Polish…

    “Go on…”

    …breakfast buffet.

    [looks disappointed]

    “Oh.”

    – Amon Göth

    ballsofsteelandfury

    Andy Reid disagrees.

    Viva La Tabula Raza

    No Mariota for Tits tonight. Guess the Clots get to go to the playoffs.

    ballsofsteelandfury

    The Tits’ only hope is for the defense to show up at home and win the game for them.

    On a brighter note,
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    Redshirt

    This is the first time in my life I want both the Ravens and Steelers to win so we go into tonight’s game with three possible scenarios.

    Colts win: Colts in playoffs.
    Titans win: Titans in playoffs.
    Colts/Titans tie: Steelers in playoffs.

    Senor Weaselo

    And then someone wins at the death of overtime because fuck it.

    Fronkenshteen

    Fucking hammers.

    Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

    – Frank Cross, in the R-rated version of Scrooged.

    Fronkenshteen

    Compared to City, Southampton look like they’re playing in ski boots.

    litre_cola

    If Fronk is up due to Fronkenshpawn then I bet on his Hammers so they had better show up!!!

    Fronkenshteen

    [Ron Howard voice]: They didn’t.

    Viva La Tabula Raza

    Lots of rain in the forecast this afternoon. Hope it isn’t heavy enough to fuck with my satellite reception. Ya fork out for a 75″ tv and you really end up hating to watch shit on your phone.

    litre_cola

    WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN???? I HAVE BEEN UP SINCE 4 AND HAD A SHIT TONNE OF COFFEE!!!!

    Fronkenshteen

    Shoulda checked. Been up all night with wee shpawn. Now wired on coffee as well. Jesus, you must’ve been losing your shit during that PK controversy yesterday.

    litre_cola

    I took Mexipug for a walk. Had the game ion n my phone so I lost it when the kid fed Mitro.

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