Naw, I don’t think so-it’s already been done by Shakey The Sphere and that was some time ago. Let’s compare each of these games (many of which are…hold onto your barnacles…completely irrelevant!) to say, an offering at a buffet-style restaurant or a meal/snack I enjoyed as a child.
What’s that? Did you just mutter, “I came to this site to read about all the win/lose scenarios and how dizzying it all is and also cogent analysis of the games and the why’s and wherefore’s and suchlike”. Buddy, (or skirt-whatever-you do you) did you come to the wrong end of the net. Scoot back to one of the mainstream sites where former players and mathematicians reside. You’ll feel safer there.
TO THE BUFFET! Damn, let’s try that again.
TO THE GAMES!
Fins/Bills:
Hey look-it’s the mashed potatoes! There’s not a single lump, so creamy. IT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE POURED OUT OF A TIN. They’re fake just like everything’s fake. [puts small amount of mashed taters on plate]
Lions/Packers:
This sides table seems to go on forever. Hey, beans! Good old beans. They keep you as regular as Detroit acquiescing to the Packers’ will year after year. (I’ve no idea what their history is, it just feels right to type it).
Jets/Pats:
Everybody loves the carving station! Look at that monstrous hip of beef from that 30+ month steer. Impressive. And that dude with the face tattoo in the chef’s hat? Probably the only place he could wield a knife that size without children crying at the sight.
Panthers/Saints:
Whoa! Check out the breasts on [clears throat] the steam table. Looks as though they’re slathered with some sort of high-fructose honey-garlic solution. Yummers!
Cowboys/Giants:
Okay, I’m not going to lie-this plate is getting a bit heavy. Hmm, something light is what I need. I believe I’ll take a single deviled egg. Ah, what the hell, I’ll grab two. [immediately makes plans to ‘Dutch Oven’ the wife later on]
Falcons/Bucs:
Soooo, what’s missing? Sides? Check. Protein? Check. Ah! Something to drink-a carbonated beverage is just the thing to wash this down. After all, this wait staff has to do something and I haven’t seen Braden in a while. Or was it Jaden? Aiden? Pretty sure it ended with an ‘n’.
Jags/Texans:
I couldn’t be more stuffed! But I didn’t pay $29.99 to walk out of here without some sort of dessert lodged in my lower intestine. Perhaps you can figure this out for me. I hate date squares but I always grab one because I feel sorry for them. There’s always plenty of them because I think most folks feel the way I do and just walk on by. Not me, I’ll put one on my plate so that it has company with things that actually taste good. And no, I’m not going to eat it. That stuff is vile.
Enjoy the offerings before you.
Fun Fact!
“First kicker in Jets history to make the pro-bowl.”
TannyFanny! Would be so LOLfins to pay him $27M guaranteed next season.
“WE GON RENEGOTIATE!”
-Fins management
Kickers!
Doc Zenner!
On the bright side, Eli Manning has technically not thrown an incomplete pass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M
Eli is going to be sent to his room if he keeps this up.
Eli’s pocket awarelessness is on point today.
Nice one. I missed that the first time.
There it is! We got a 1st Qtr ManningFace.
I’m going to miss him
-Eli, about to throw to a wide-open wr.
Ryan Tannenhill really making a strong argument for his own release
These eight yard cushions are certainly a novel approach to defense.
Could this be the day that Scott Hanson goes “None of these games are exciting, but lets switch over to the History Channel where the Nazis are just outside Moscow ready to punch it in”?
So both New York teams are vying for the coveted “hapless team of 2018” title?
They should play each other before the Super Bowl. Loser has to change their region name to “New Jersey”.
That’s not fair. What has New Jersey done to deserve the Jets?
/remembers “Jersey Shore”
Never mind. Please proceed.
So what are we rooting for? Just a Pats loss?
as Metallica would say, Nothing Else Matters
/until 4:25
You say that as if the Jets beating the Pats would require less than a miracle
now like, a triple miracle
Whenever I hear “there’s an injured Dolphin,” I keep hoping someone will yell “is there a marine biologist here?” and have George Costanza step forward.
And then remove a football from its blowhole?
Exactly
Nice throw, Legohead. Next time aim for a receiver.
I am having trouble even pretending to pay attention.
Brother in law: At least we’ll get points out of this drive
Eli: hold my beer
*carton of chocolate milk.
You spelled ‘purple juice’ wrong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PuFz-AP-Vg
Let us all stand in respect as we witness the Eli’s Final Cratering.
Elisha! c’mon, make the face
So knowing Bowles is about to be fired, is everyone on the Jets just nodding and smiling at everything he says, replying, “yeah, Ok, ‘coach.'”
Will spend the first slate of games daydreaming of potential futures
I just love that he signed the fucking thing
Right on his dick
Somehow, Scott Hansen will make this meaningless 1:00 shitpile seem unimaginably important.
the beak helps, mind
I just hooked an antenna to my TV so the live feed from Hulu doesn’t buffer in between the games. I haven’t watched a NFL games with an antenna since the last century.
you millenials ,, smh
Hey! You’re talking to someone that with the use of rabbit ear antennas, the construction of the house, and the clear night sky, who got clear reception all the way to Charleston, WV, 200 miles away.
Yet welcome to the next century
No 2018 retrospective would be complete without acknowledging Kanye fucking up so bad that you can’t even justify listening to his old shit anymore.
I’m surprised that people now are realizing that Kanye is a complete idiot who shouldn’t be listened to at all.
hey, I said the same thing when he was all “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people.”
I mean, he was a doofus who got led by his nose into a pointless war…but the one redeeming feature about the guy was he wasn’t raycess.
I loved every minute of that just for the look of abject horror on Mike Myers’ face throughout.
Ah, I always felt bad for him. He was trying to use his star power to raise money for victims of a horrible disaster and Kanye put him in a shit position. Fuck did Mike Myers ever do to anyone, besides “The Love Guru”?
Yeah. Plus it was the verbal equivalent of farting just as you leave a room.
Also, you forgot “The Cat in the Hat”.
George W Bush may have systematically destroyed the American infrastructure and committed war crimes, but at least he didn’t completely hate Mexicans when he was on-the-record.
I mean, being an idiot is nothing new for any performer. This is being like uniquely stupid and problematic to the point that people can’t even bring up your name without grimacing.
Hearing “Christmas in Hollies” in a car commercial seems so wrong.
NFL morning show needs to move on from that “lone wolf” howling shit when they do their picks. It was annoying when they started it, now it would almost make me homicidal if I didn’t have a channel changer in hand.
“He throws some of the greatest incompletions I’ve ever seen.”
Uhh…
I’m ready for these games.
Anal; careful with the diet.
Goddamn it. Every worthwhile game is at 4:15. What a bullshit schedule.
Notre Dame is being rightly roasted this morning. The College Football needs to expand to 8 teams.
Gentlemen.
Folks.
Ugh — the Mrs is Home today and seems to want to be productive. I want to lie around and watch football games I don’t care about because the couch is comfy and I’m lazy.
I did feed the baby so that should give me a pass til SNF, right?
Week 17 DFS is “fun”.
heck, the only GAMBLOR I have even HAILED is Chefs -14.5 (as I think last week was OAK’s Superb Owl, and they will be checked out).
Female drivers, amirite?
found a funny:
[early 2000s]
MUSIC PRODUCER: ok the song’s basically good to go. we just need a chorus
AKON (kicking down the door): did somebody say chorus
I’m not sure what I find more offensive, the fact he broke his instrument or the fact he’s saluting even though he’s not in uniform.
The panic is the funny part.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? For this early slate is laden with douches.
Tried to Nail It!!!!!!
You needs to dream big, man.
Burnley 2 – W(e’re)HU(ng) 0(ver)
y’all is as schizo as Everton
Has Kevin The Broom scored?
Nae.
My first act of the day was to murder myself at a Polish breakfast buffet. At one point, I had kielbasa and pancakes and butterscotch pudding on the same plate. I want to die now.
But what a way to live!
This is doing it right!
“Go on…”
[looks disappointed]
“Oh.”
– Amon Göth
Andy Reid disagrees.
No Mariota for Tits tonight. Guess the Clots get to go to the playoffs.
The Tits’ only hope is for the defense to show up at home and win the game for them.
On a brighter note,
This is the first time in my life I want both the Ravens and Steelers to win so we go into tonight’s game with three possible scenarios.
Colts win: Colts in playoffs.
Titans win: Titans in playoffs.
Colts/Titans tie: Steelers in playoffs.
And then someone wins at the death of overtime because fuck it.
Fucking hammers.
– Frank Cross, in the R-rated version of Scrooged.
Compared to City, Southampton look like they’re playing in ski boots.
If Fronk is up due to Fronkenshpawn then I bet on his Hammers so they had better show up!!!
[Ron Howard voice]: They didn’t.
Lots of rain in the forecast this afternoon. Hope it isn’t heavy enough to fuck with my satellite reception. Ya fork out for a 75″ tv and you really end up hating to watch shit on your phone.
https://youtu.be/tBMULumwn84
WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN???? I HAVE BEEN UP SINCE 4 AND HAD A SHIT TONNE OF COFFEE!!!!
Shoulda checked. Been up all night with wee shpawn. Now wired on coffee as well. Jesus, you must’ve been losing your shit during that PK controversy yesterday.
I took Mexipug for a walk. Had the game ion n my phone so I lost it when the kid fed Mitro.