I’m traveling again this week. This time Dave is staying home and I’m traveling by plane. Again.
Lucky Dave. He gets to sit there in that comfy garage, all nice and warm, and not do any work. Again.
But I digress….
I have come to hate flying. Why? Well listen to Jim….
We’re not fucking animals, we live in a society!!!
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Airports
For me personally, the actual flying is not generally the problem. I’m not afraid of flying. I’m not claustrophobic. The cramped confines and general discomfort don’t bother me, even on longer flights. My point is that once I’m on the plane and settled in, I’m good. Well usually, anyway. Occasionally, one gets seated next to someone who is/has one or more of those things I just mentioned above, and that can make it unpleasant to one degree or another.
For me though, it’s dealing with the airports that usually bugs me. That is what I’ve come to loathe. It’s as if everyone who is employed at an airport…ANY airport in any capacity…. is getting paid to be a huge dick.
I’ve flown commercially roughly a dozen times over the past couple of years. Double that if you count round trips. Double it again (almost) if you count layovers and connections. And only a handful of times have I had a decent experience in airports. And I don’t even mean “good” experience. You can just forget about that. But just “decent”, meaning that I was not either in danger of having a stroke due blood pressure spikes from being annoyed, or just so discouraged that I wanted to perform a murder/suicide. Allegedly.
Some of you are familiar with some of my airport experiences. Low Commander knows all too well how annoyed I became at Las Vegas McCarran a couple of years ago when we flew out of Vegas at the same time. That was the closest I’ve ever come to airport jail. Seriously. (ProTip: Even when a TSA agent is being a dick, don’t argue with them. You’re not gonna win anyway. Just let them throw your shit away and move on, then buy more shit when you get home because it’s not worth it.)
Then there was the night I spent in the St. Louis Lambert airport last summer when the first leg of my flight got delayed for several hours due to thunderstorms, so my connection to LA left before I arrived. Come to find out, the gate agent still could have gotten me on the last connection out that night to LA, but put me on one the following morning instead. I ended up (not) sleeping in the St. Louis airport that night instead AND missed a full night of legal California weed. I really wanted to punch that guy in the head a few times when I found out there was an earlier flight and he just didn’t bother, but again….two words, say it with me….. Airport Jail. It’s a strong deterrent.
Anywhooo….
When I left the house early this past Wednesday morning to head to the airport to fly down here to Florida, I was very responsible and arrived at the airport quite early. Nearly 3 hours before my flight. I parked (without running over any light poles this time, mind you), grabbed my luggage, and got on the shuttle to the terminal. I was doing great, this was going swimmingly.
Then holy shit!!!!!
I have never seen lines that long at any airport, much less at RDU (Redneck-Douchebag International). I ended up standing in a line for over an hour, which stretched around the counter twice and even out the door a little bit, just to check my bag. I then stood in a TSA line for almost as long, though I do have to give them credit for moving things along as quickly as possible on this day since they weren’t making us take our electronics out or take off our shoes. Woulda been a good day for a shoe-bomb I guess.
Then (and this is the kicker) I look at the Arrivals/Departures board and I see they’ve rescheduled the departure of my flight for….EARLIER!!!!! Why the hell do they ever do that? Especially on a morning this busy? And the board says my flight is already done boarding and is about to make tracks. Sooooooo, of course I start hustling my tired white ass toward my gate. And then I hear the announcement on the P.A. that it’s the last call for boarding and they’re closing the cabin door in one minute.
Now my tired white ass is running.
Yet somewhat amazingly, I make it. Just barely, or so I thought at the time.
The gate agent was lovely to me, though she did kinda snicker a little about me being out of breath while scanning my boarding pass. I then board and stow my carry ons, I sit down and buckle my seat belt, and I get ready to roll. Let’s do this.
Then over the next 25-ish minutes, at least a dozen more people board. And we just sit there. And sit there. And sit there. The flight actually ended up leaving a little late, in fact. Which is fine, I’m happy for those folks that they didn’t miss the flight and I really was not in any hurry. The sun isn’t even up for another 2 hours anyway.
But as I sat there, thinking about this, it really annoyed me that they would change the departure time on the board and say they’re leaving early. Then kinda act as if it was my fault I barely made it. Then not just fire up the plane and go. And then end up leaving late.
I will say this though… Once I got to this end, my arrival at the Sarasota-Bradenton Airport went quite well. They had my bag on the little conveyor thingy before I even got to it. I don’t remember that ever happening anywhere before. And my rental car was ready and gassed up. And though this isn’t anything to do with the airport of course, my hotel even let me check in 3.5 hours early. So sincere kudos to everyone here in Florida I’ve dealt with. I really do mean that. Maybe Florida doesn’t suck quite as much as I accused them of recently.
Then I got a little drunk. Again, that has nothing to do with the airport. Well, sort of maybe.
The moral of the story?
Don’t ever fly on the first business day after the holiday season if you can help it. Even if it is 5am on a Wednesday morning. Just don’t do it.
(apologies to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly for that one)
((tWBS giggles))
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Sports Which Will Make You Fly Off The Handle 2Nite
NHL
No national broadcasts. At least not in ‘Murrica that I can find. Check your locals.
NBA
- Dallas @ Boston – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN
- OKC @ Portland – 10:30pmEST – TV: ESPN
NCAA Hoops
- Ball State @ Toledo – 7:00pmEST – TV: CBSSN
- IUPUI @ Ill-Chi**** – 7:00pmEST – TV: ESPNU
- SMU @ Tulane – 7:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
- (20)Buffalo @ E. Michigan – 9:00pmEST – TV: CBSSN
**And just a friendly reminder…
Go in moderation tonight and get your rest because there’s playoff football starting tomorrow.
Just saying.
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The Lovelies Of The Friendly Skies
A flight really can be infinitely more enjoyable if your flight attendant(s) are friendly. I do mean that sincerely.
If they’re rather attractive and friendly, and maybe even a bit flirtatious, which has happened to me on occasion (though not this time, grumble grumble)… Well it can make a long flight go by much more quickly and enjoyably.
Enjoy…
I’ll need to use caution when opening the overhead bins, as things in my pants may have shifted.
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My flight home is midweek next week, and I figure it’ll suck. But there’s always a chance…that ummmm….
Whoa….
OK, everyone have a great weekend.
Love ya’s.
(that made me laugh)
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. . . and she grew up to be Carrot Top ! ! !
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Limited seating.
This is one of my favorite photos ever. Taken by Alfred Palmer for the Office of War Information, at the Douglas Aircraft Factory in Long Beach, CA in 1942. One of the flashes failed to go off which gives it that dramatic lighting. (4×5 Kodachrome)
Here’s a different exposure where all the flashes fired:
don’t care if it’s a truck.
I have a habit of being wide awake during red-eye flights, no matter how exhausted, and through no fault of their own, the people happily sleeping, rhythmic breathing, no stirring, pisses me the fuck off.
Yeah, I’m still amped from the flying bit. Flight is almost space!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeKMS62GrTI
I always get the window seat and I’m never bored looking out of it, night or day. I will never be too jaded that I’m not amazed that I’m seven miles above the earth. Plus, I can never sleep either no matter how tired. I don’t mind the sleepers as long as they don’t snore. I will wake up a snorer.
I don’t get bored either, just wish I could sleep. My legs don’t work to well at the window; I go for the isle.
I am an aisle guy too, don’t like disturbing folks when I have to stretch or hit the head.
I flew cross-country (on United!) yesterday. Here’s the Little Grand Canyon. I once left a 1000′ can of exposed film right there and went back to Flagstaff. In the morning I realized it was missing and I drove back up there and it was waiting for me pretty as can be:
Now that is an atomic wedgie.
Consolidated PBY Catalina
Last month going through the scanner, I got flagged and wanded (not as sexy as it sounds), and the TSA guy just starts laughing…”Hey, look at the screen…says your wrist is potentially dangerous.” I was wearing a short sleeve shirt with no watch. Yep, feel much safer.
But I don’t get mad at airline employees. They are generally abused. But holy fucking shit, do I ever hate other passengers. It’s only like 5% of the people but they should all be exterminated in some systematic manner involving trains and-
/puts hand to earpiece, listens intently
I’m being told my solution is more “final” than some folks are comfortable with.
I’d say higher than 5%, but whatever the amount a few can make your flight bad.
super slo mo.
BALL TWO (is just as fucked up as ball one)
Can’t walk him because he can’t walk.
HIP HIP OW MY BALLS!
Due to the lead content of Hi-Octane Aviation Gasoline, the spark plugs needed to be changed after every flight:
Can’t work with Hi Octane fuel without Hi Heels.
As many of you know, I fly a lot. And I have to say that precheck is absolutely worth the $85-100 for five years.
Also that United can eat a bag of dicks. I flew 77 times on United last year and they don’t give a shit about me because I don’t buy first class tickets to Asia.
You must have enough frequent flier miles to get an ass kissing every now and then. Don’t you?
Judging by his posts he has enough to get prostate milkings by Paris Hilton.
I have lots of miles to spend, so the eventual honeymoon flights will be on United. But I only get upgraded about 3 times a year. They barely care about you if you aren’t 1K or global services.
OK, Ray Lewis then.
Douglas DC-7A with R-3350 engines:
But what’s the plane called?
Those are some firm engines with great, uh, I dunno, torque?
I’m about halfway through Narcos: Mexico and there is nothing likeable about the DEA characters. Kiki, the agent that’s going to get killed (I assume) at the finale deserves to die with how narcissistic and colonialist his mentality is. He’s a real prick.
On the other hand, Miguel Angel (Felix) is clearly the protagonist and I’m going to assume is going to get screwed over by a stupid plaza leader.
There’s also not enough nudity happening. Specifically with Isabella. Got damn she is fine.
*May not be much likeable about the actual DEA and the policy they “enforce.”
I fly quite a bit and rather than anger my usual reaction is ‘Jesus fucking christ, what a hassle’ disappointment, and fatigue. Having several friends (surprising, I know) who work in the airline industry and just paying attention; that industry goes out of its way to fuck over their own work force and hand out some buddy passes and think it’s OK. So I’m usually pretty patient with that. The biggest difference I see is with airlines; Alaska, British Airways, etc. are a far cry from United and its kindred asshole companies. The problem there is a lot of routes your choice is between United and a later United flight with a layover. Audiobooks have made everything less stressful and annoying.
Alaska Air is awesome!
United is the devil. I mean, Spirit and Frontier tell you up front your experience is gonna be awful, but United tries to be all “Hey, we’re legit” but they blow ass.
I like Southwest; free bags, and if you get a middle seat it’s your own damn fault.
That said; a majority of my fellow travelers are selfish assholes. Many, who have flown before, seem to be clueless how security and other airport things work.
I am a firm believer that if you walk through a metal detector with your phone on your person, you should automatically lose any precheck status and be forced to go back to the end of the security line.
I am usually pretty good, but the old man I am forgot my belt the other day. I apologized quite a bit.
Jesus, Moose has already out done himself already. Fantastic hustle!
They’re few and far between, but nothing gets my blood flowing below the waist like an attractive flight attendant.
Thomas Dolby is probably the very first dude that advocated for windmill-centric electric power within the dance music genre.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xuJqVqVoek
REF TIT SLAP
That’s a Pinkish Card.