Your “Game Sponsored by Hatey McHaterson” Saturday Night NFL Football Open Thread

I hate the Cowboys. I have for quite some time. Let’s go back to the days before home computers, cell phones and social media. The written word was just beginning to take hold despite what the naysayers were nay saying. A rock applied to the head with varying degrees of force was a good enough means of communication for my grandfather and it’s good enough for me-whatever my name is! Then, as now, oldish white guys decided what was going to be placed before your eyebulbs and as far as football was concerned, they didn’t think they could do any better than the Dallas Cowboys. Little boy me didn’t know what ‘market over-saturation’ was then and still don’t now.

You couldn’t escape. Prime time TV, Sports Illustrated, Sport magazine, Inside Sport magazine-they extolled the countless virtues of a Roger Staubach, a Tom Landry, a Tony Dorsett (until he got a wee bit uppity) or a [insert white player’s name here]. I was able to free myself from the shackles of this form of mind manipulation for the most part. (I sometimes get half a chub when footage of Golden Richards is shown)

I therefore understand the hate/contempt that some have shown for the Seahawks though I don’t partake. To me, Coach Carroll is just another silly millionaire-type coach-guy that lives in a wee bubble of his own making so, whatever. He can loudly chew gum, strut the sidelines and conduct tours of Tower 6 all he likes.

Oh right-the game

Seattle/Dallas:

Gimme Kit Carson and Co. and a late field goal. No more talk of Dallas.

Conduct yourselves accordingly. To what? No idea.

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herodotus450

Suzy Kolber vs. Erin Andrews is like the Beatles vs. Elvis of our time.

Unsurprised

In that there is an obviously correct answer.

litre_cola

The line at the beginning of the game was Sea +2.5. Roofie von Poland getting hurt fucks things up.

fleshwound_NPG

yea, no FG from seattle from here on out

Spur

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litre_cola

Gonzaga is in Spokane, not Seattle. They are very different.

Spur

Is Gonzaga good this year?

litre_cola

Yeah, I get every game on their NBC affiliate. They are global and get dudes from everywhere. They are stacked. Elite 8 for sure.

Spur

The kid from Japan is on the Spurs radar. Is he good? The Spurs can fix a players’ shot.

litre_cola

As per nbc, he plays the right way. Basically he is confused but listens.

Doktor Zymm
Gratliff

Hey, fuck you, Oklahoma.

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey, fuck you, Oklahoma.”
-Cherokee Nation

Unsurprised

“Hey, fuck you.”
— Oklahoma

Horatio Cornblower

Why would anyone bother to hate the Jets?

Doktor Zymm

Cause if you don’t take Miami serious, they were the most recent challenge to the Pats maybe? I dunno. I’m kind of sad but feel confirmed that no one hates the Redacteds, mostly cause they haven’t been relevant for 20 years

Gatoraids

Map doesnt show the reservations

Gatoraids

Probably more fans of the Jets in the region for them to hate

Unsurprised

No one in this state even knows the Rams exist. Half of us hate the Seahawks because FUCK SEATTLE, but yeah, no one cares about the Rams.

herodotus450

Wisconsin hating the Packers: a shareholder’s revolt.

Doktor Zymm

I think you’re confusing Wis and Minn?

herodotus450

Oh yeah, right. I guess I’m officially drunk enough to be an honorary Wisconsianite

Brocky

Its bullshit that Michigan has the bears. I get they dont like Chicago in every other sport, but seriously.

Also it’s a testament as to how pathetic a division the AFC south is as 1 state randomly hates the Texans

Doktor Zymm

Oh shit, I totally missed that. Good eye. I guess those Probably Titans Fans are super happy tonight!

Gratliff

Well, you can’t expect Packers fans to care about the Lions.

Brocky

True. Fuck you upper peninsula!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Back from dinner. Not even 7pm. So old.

herodotus450

BFC’s timezone: triangulated.

Brick Meathook

Early bird special at Billingsley’s on Pico near Sawtelle!

Doktor Zymm

Kick lefty, it’s not that hard to play switch

Brick Meathook

He’s already a lefty kicker.

Gratliff

“Does he need another one?” – Allen Hurns

Fronkenshteen

Who kick fer C-HOX now, den?

Mr. Ayo

The Aussie drop kicker

King Hippo

their punter drop kicks!

Horatio Cornblower

An Australian from Texas, who, book it, is going to win the game on a 55-yarder as time expires.

Because Jerry Jones owns the Cowboys and the universe is not going to give him more than it already has. it’s tough, but fair.

Gatoraids

the 12th man of course

Brick Meathook

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Doktor Zymm

That should be the start of a David Bowie video parody

Horatio Cornblower

Isn’t that the pair from the Emo Eagles?

Brick Meathook

I used up all the good ones.

Gratliff

I should save this one for when KC goes one and done againcomment image

Doktor Zymm

Whatever, the imaginary non-Kosher birds gotta kick more ass with their lack of fins

Doktor Zymm

wait, are people kosher? I don’t think they’re explicitly banned unless we fall under pork?

herodotus450

Only people who keep kosher their whole lives could qualify as kosher.

Doktor Zymm

Because you are what you eat! Which is totally true on a molecular level

yeah right

It all depends on how you drain the blood and prepare the meat.

– Hannibal Leibowitz.

Spur

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hippofant

Emma please

litre_cola

Todd MacCulloch from Winnipeg Manitoba went to University of Washington. He was very difficult to play against. He went on to play Shaq in the NBA finals.

rockingdog

this first half seems weird.

Spur

I’ve never Janikowski and THE BEN in the same room.

Gratliff

Because they’re in different stalls

King Hippo

HARF. Silly, he is kick man I am throw man.

litre_cola

Ben Janikowski is a cleaner at the Fairmont, his wife Marishka and daughter Anya are back in Lodz.

Doktor Zymm

Goddamn it, I refreshed and it’s still way behind. FUCK YOU SLINGTVV SUBSIDIARY OF DIRECTV

herodotus450

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Doktor Zymm

Pfft, Putin can go to space and back quicker than SlingTV

King Hippo

it’s almost like it’s not worth the marginal savings of not-having cable 😀

Gratliff

“Give it a second.” – Louis starting to commit a misdemeanor

Horatio Cornblower

FAT GUY DOWN!

Senor Weaselo

Seabass might have just died.

Gatoraids

Spontaneous Gout Combustion?

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a hamstring. No Seattle kicking in the second half.

King Hippo

John Elway was always Donks’ backup punter and placement kicker. Part of me was always excited for a kicker owie.

Sharkbait

2 point tries for Seattle the rest of the way!

Spur

If only Romo had that option

King Hippo

oh gee, SeaBass hurt hisself such a shame

Spur

HURT KICKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

King Hippo

Maybe don’t ask the morbidly obese man to stretch himself like that?

herodotus450

Somewhere a Grammatica brother feels a shiver run down his spine.

litre_cola

Clint Dempsey played for Fulham and the Sounders. He is a fucking GOD.

Doktor Zymm

GODDAMN IT WHY CAN MY STREAM NOT BE CURRENT WITHIN A FEW SECONDS!?

rockingdog

lag issues brother

litre_cola

Leg issues?

Mr. Ayo

Bet on the missed FG

Doktor Zymm

I just need to find a bookie with a similarly shitty view

herodotus450

You just have to scroll the comments page down proportional to the lag of your stream

WCS

So, now they decide to play? At least the last two minutes of the game will be entertaining.

King Hippo

YARP

Petronel

Janikowski looks about eighty in that helmet

Gatoraids

His head probably weights that much

Horatio Cornblower

That’s probably his blood-alcohol content too.

rockingdog

go team yea!

Spur

Give that kicker a diamond encrusted mouth piece

litre_cola

Seattle, Portland and Vancouver play for the Cascadia Cup. Cascadia wants to be it’s own country. Look it up!

Doktor Zymm

I like Tyler Lockett right now. He hasn’t done anything horrible I should know about, right?

Mr. Ayo

He’s clean. As far as anyone knows.

Brick Meathook

He hasn’t been caught yet, no.

King Hippo

you have time for 2 plays. you have 2 timeouts. Why run to sideline?

Doktor Zymm

habit? habit? rabbit?

Horatio Cornblower

“Because that’s what they expect us to do!!”
-Pete ‘Jet Fuel’ Carroll

Gratliff

Oh so close to broken Hippo thumbs

King Hippo

/Hippo almost pisses self

Petronel

Kicker tackle ahoy!

rockingdog

yay points!

Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

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litre_cola

Dirty Heads and Matisyahu played at a 100 year old theatre the same weekend as the fail mary.

Spur

Finally a score. Princeton might want to go no huddle

litre_cola

When the Seahawks were relocated to Husky Stadium they played the Eagles, the campus was dry it was 35 degrees Celsius. It was also sorority pledge day.

yeah right

If you want half time entertainment, Duke is playing on the 4 letter network with Vitale calling.

You’ll feel better about Buck and Aikman.

yeah right

Plus that have a Jack White and another guy that looks like the lead singer of The 1975.

Gatoraids

Also at half a street fighter 3rd strike stream at twitch

herodotus450
Doktor Zymm

The ‘I used to herd livestock, but my job was killed by tariffs and now Russians sell beef to the Chinese instead of me so I’ve started shooting fentanyl into my dick because that’s the only place I can find a vein’ team isn’t doing so well

King Hippo

it’s fun when Dok drank

Horatio Cornblower

Wait, which team is that?

King Hippo

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spur

Run a play for Jarwin

litre_cola

There are still many cover bands in Seattle that play from the grunge age.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching this game on my phone seems very fitting, in that I can’t see much but nothing’s happening anyway. It’s like Schroedinger’s Wild Card Game.

King Hippo

please don’t settle for 3

Horatio Cornblower

You say “settle” like they’re not going to run it into the line twice right now.

Horatio Cornblower

Or, you know, not.

fleshwound_NPG

nice defense, assholes

Horatio Cornblower

“nice defense, asshole”

Me, after losing another pair of pants to a late-night Taco Bell run.

Sharkbait

Finland 1-0 USA End 2. USA need to play much better in the 3rd

Brocky

Only the cowboys could have had that horrific an injury and still have an incredibly boring game

hippofant

Sure, if you’re one of those weirdos who put meaning in statistics and numbers…

NERRRRD.

Brick Meathook

IT’S 6 TO 3 FOLKS

herodotus450

aka The Jerry Sandusky dilemma

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, Awuzie is not gonna have a good time in the film room next week.

And by “next week” I mean “next season if the goddamn Cowboys don’t start moving the fucking football down the field!

Brocky

Remind me again, what did charles haley do that was bad?

King Hippo

liked to pull his dick out in locker room, team meetings, etc.

Brick Meathook

So do I. What’s your point?

ballsofsteelandfury

His is black.

Brick Meathook

I’m hung like a fucking horse.

Gatoraids

Louis C.H.

Brocky

Wow, I’ve heard a lot about the 90s cowboys shenanigans, but my God that’s a hell of a Google search

Spur

He’s the Last Naked Warrior

litre_cola

What is cocaine and steroids?

Pure guess, seriously

Brick Meathook

Read “Boys Will Be Boys” by Jeff Pearlman about the Johnson/Switzer Cowboys. It’s hysterical. Somebody here (on the old site) recommended it to me, and I recommend it as well. You’ll learn in detail about Charles Haley’s dick.

herodotus450

There’s a story, maybe from that book, about a strip club in Arlington that basically only existed because of the Cowboys’ players who went there.

Doktor Zymm

I suspect I somehow lost quite a bit of time on my stream…..I’m in the past! Quick! What happens in the next 20 seconds I can bet on?