Your “Game Sponsored by Hatey McHaterson” Saturday Night NFL Football Open Thread

I hate the Cowboys. I have for quite some time. Let’s go back to the days before home computers, cell phones and social media. The written word was just beginning to take hold despite what the naysayers were nay saying. A rock applied to the head with varying degrees of force was a good enough means of communication for my grandfather and it’s good enough for me-whatever my name is! Then, as now, oldish white guys decided what was going to be placed before your eyebulbs and as far as football was concerned, they didn’t think they could do any better than the Dallas Cowboys. Little boy me didn’t know what ‘market over-saturation’ was then and still don’t now.

You couldn’t escape. Prime time TV, Sports Illustrated, Sport magazine, Inside Sport magazine-they extolled the countless virtues of a Roger Staubach, a Tom Landry, a Tony Dorsett (until he got a wee bit uppity) or a [insert white player’s name here]. I was able to free myself from the shackles of this form of mind manipulation for the most part. (I sometimes get half a chub when footage of Golden Richards is shown)

I therefore understand the hate/contempt that some have shown for the Seahawks though I don’t partake. To me, Coach Carroll is just another silly millionaire-type coach-guy that lives in a wee bubble of his own making so, whatever. He can loudly chew gum, strut the sidelines and conduct tours of Tower 6 all he likes.

Oh right-the game

Seattle/Dallas:

Gimme Kit Carson and Co. and a late field goal. No more talk of Dallas.

Conduct yourselves accordingly. To what? No idea.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Weird, running the ball inside the 5 actually works! Huh…

Unsurprised

#RushingTruther

The Maestro

ONSIDE KICK TIME

Redshirt

Can you dropkick an onside kick?

King Hippo

yep

Spur

that’s not good

Mr. Ayo

That’s overwhelming!

King Hippo

Wouldn’t you want to try the XP, just to see if he can make it?

Doktor Zymm

I ONLY WANT A HOT DOG SANDWICH.

It’s still a shot if it’s slightly bigger than a shot and out of a schooner, yes?

Sharkbait

still counts.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll allow it.

Horatio Cornblower

Cowboys played better defense at the Little Big Horn.

Unsurprised

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Petronel

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Doktor Zymm

Holy shit

King Hippo

one more incompletion = DROP KICK

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Kick the field goal now!

ballsofsteelandfury

This is all irrelevant because onside kicks don’t exist anymore.

herodotus450

Schiano Rule looks better every day

King Hippo

Guess this is both why and why not to take a knee previously.

Redshirt

Why for the Cow-guys no want win?

Unsurprised

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Gratliff

oh please let this happen

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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King Hippo

yeah, this is like a 5am rave for you

Brick Meathook

If you were watching the game with me I’d provide complimentary amyl nitrate, in addition to the free booze and hookers of all stripes. Please chip in for the food, though.

Doktor Zymm

This dude may be able to grow his hair, but he’ll always know, inside.comment image

Petronel

Will be extra special when the male-pattern baldness hits.

Doktor Zymm

JUST THE EYES

Gratliff

Cowboys now have as many playoff wins in 22 years as the Eagles have in the last one.

Horatio Cornblower

They also have 5 Super Bowls, hardcore.

Gratliff

I’ll have to ask my grandfather what that was like

Horatio Cornblower

You can ask me. I’ve seen every one of them.

Also the hell that was the Mongolian invasions.

Gratliff

There are legitimately people who didn’t have any kids when Dallas last won who have grandkids now oh my god I am so old and life is futile

Horatio Cornblower

Both my kids are old enough to breed and you can just shut the fuck up right now.

fleshwound_NPG

petey’s penance of the super bowl goal line shitstain is to be a perpetual fuckup until the day he dies

still goin…

Horatio Cornblower

Tough, but fair.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

So, this is a silly game, who wants to do shots?

Mr. Ayo

Yes please.

Sharkbait

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Spur

Victory Shots of Casamigos. I like you Zymm

Unsurprised

Yo

Unsurprised

He’s The One
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

There are two touchdowns in Any Given Sunday made by QBs where they get flipped over into the endzone and yet somehow The Matrix was where my mind went.

Gratliff

So I guess I have to shift my ideal scenario here to Eagles going into Jerrahworld and unleashing the Hung One in Dallas.

litre_cola

How good would that feel?

Gratliff

It might be a bit uncomfortable. I’d prefer my first to be a bit more manageable.

Brocky

Hey, bears could beat Dallas.

…. in theory

Brocky

Nfl refs right now
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Sharkbait

Somehow this is all the illuminati’s fault.

Spur

Yeah boy!

Doktor Zymm

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Spur

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King Hippo

I’d take 3 knees, give ’em the ball back inside the 5 with 30 seconds, no timeout, no kicker

Redshirt

So do you let Dallas score here, or do you try to stop them and hope for the best?

herodotus450

Said it before, I’ll say it again: Anthony Weiner 4 (teen inches) President. “Why the fuck not, you fucking dipshits?” would be my slogan.

Senor Weaselo

Weiner/Danger 2020?

Redshirt

If I was a Republican, I’d run with the slogan “Vote for someone you can admit in public voting for!”

Unsurprised

If he spent the entire campaign with his dick out, and erect as often as possible, then I’d vote for him.

Horatio Cornblower

DAK! DAK! DAK! DAK!

Senor Weaselo

WHEEL OF HAM!

Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

Don’t take this personally, but I am going to find you and I am going to kill you.

Brick Meathook

No offense taken! I’ve needed killin’ for a spell here.

King Hippo

shit, now we all will have to rub one out

Spur

DAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gratliff

Oh goddamn it. He gets a stupid poster out of the run too.

Horatio Cornblower

To be fair, it’s gonna be an awesome poster.

fleshwound_NPG

pete carroll retire bitch

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How was that not a hold?

Horatio Cornblower

Well, the game’s in Dallas for starters…

King Hippo

you’d rather be down than score!

rockingdog

blerrrrrggggghhhhhh

Spur

come on a TD ends this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Clock?

Doktor Zymm

I miss Marshawn Lynch getting a Star

ThePirateSloth

Well fuck everything

Unsurprised

Is there time?
— R. Grossman

Brocky

Flag on seattle. Illegal shift

Horatio Cornblower

Dallas. Saw that coming as it was happening.

litre_cola

Fucking scabs.

Unsurprised

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Spur

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