The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. Fantasy football questions still welcome but by no means required. If you have questions and/or need advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.
Howdy, DFOers and sporadic visitors/lurkers from elsewhere. This weekend….sucked. It’s always hard to come back to the holidays in the middle of the workweek; it’s even harder when you decided to chase a warm weather mini-trip with a short jaunt to Colorado where you decide it’s a good idea to go for a hike in a closed Rocky Mountain National Park in negative degree weather and since the park is closed there aren’t any shuttle buses so whatever you hike in, you are hiking the fuck out whether or not you’re feeling like frostbite or pneumonia is imminent and then you pick up a cold that you fight through the first workdays back but then it just knocks you on your ass for the weekend. Was hoping for an ursine pick me up on Sunday, but NOPE. Oh, also I had to watch the Golden Globes. My solace for the rest of the playoffs will need to be rooting against the Patriots and amusing myself with LA denizens’ varying levels of interest in football. And it’s only like 35 days until pitchers and catchers report? That might mean something different to tWBS than balls.
Alright, big news this week as someone actually wrote in this week!
Let’s dial up that letter that came in late last week to email@example.com—
The neighborhood complex where I live has a central driveway that all the houses share. Technically, I believe the driveway is an easement and a fire lane. We’ve had a fairly lax attitude towards people parking in this area for loading/unloading, washing their car, etc., but lately folks have started to abuse this and have been parking there casually for hours, and in some cases leaving their care there overnight. A post on the community’s facebook group seems to have been ignored by one person in particular; what’s the best way to call him out on it? Tag him individually to make sure he sees it? Leave a note on his car? I’m the co-chair of the HOA and I don’t want to be the busybody who bitches at people for things like this, but I’m also really sick of it happening and am willing to go completely scorched earth to make it stop. What do I do?
–DFOer’s Random User Name Kept Secret
Well, DRUNKS, everyone HATES their HOA, so if you’re the co-chair and aren’t widely reviled yet, then good for you. The truth is, you can’t win. Either you’re the “cool” HOA and lenient about the rules and shit like this happens or you’re a stickler that everyone hates and there’s no clutter but no one talks to you except to tell you to shove it up your ass. If you want to go scorched earth but not have your fingerprints visible from space, you could be that guy who calls the cops/fire department the next time he’s parked there. But then you have to be prepared for him to retaliate by calling the cops/fire department every time anyone even throws their hazards on to unload a baby in that spot. My suggestion is to use your fake position of power for cloaking and say to him “Hey, Benjaderek, a number of the neighbors have complained to me about cars being parked overnight in the central driveway. I don’t know if you saw the facebook post, but I wanted to make sure you knew before someone calls the cops and you get ticketed or towed.” And then light a bag of dogshit on fire and ring his doorbell.
My team at work primarily consists of strong women I really look up to. A couple of months ago, a man in his 50s joined our team, although we don’t work with him on a daily basis. When we do have larger team meetings, he usually interrupts my boss to explain something that she not only has already mentioned but probably knows more about than he does! His tone is usually very brusque, and these moments tend to feel awkward, especially as he’s long-winded. I’m not sure what to do. He’s otherwise polite, but I don’t like seeing my boss (or anyone for that matter) interrupted when she’s the expert on the subject being discussed. Should I speak to her about it and see if she’s noticed? He doesn’t report to her. Bring it up to him? I’m in my late 20s, so I’m not sure how well that would go. Or just ignore it?
—How to Interrupt the Interrupter
Attention my fellow men–stop doing this. Stop making it so that Prudence has to give advice to junior women who don’t understand how it can happen to senior women in their offices. HtItI shouldn’t have to ask to see if she’s noticed; trust me, she’s noticed. But she has to make a decision on if she wants to be perceived as “difficult” by telling the dude to shut the hell up or a pushover by just dealing with it. You can get your points across without being a dick, and especially with a more gender balanced management team, being a dick may not be the strategic advantage you think it is. Strong women in senior roles still get talked over and screwed over all the time, and the best way to be a strong man is to actually be an ally to all of your colleagues. That includes being more inclusive and eliciting more input, since that’s one of the best ways to avoid groupthink and enhance the company’s bottom line.
Next, let’s check in with Ask Amy—
I am getting married next summer, and have been dealing with a ton of wedding stress.
One of the major contributors to this stress is my mom.
I have tried very hard to be a Bridechilla (instead of a Bridezilla), but I am getting so frustrated I don’t know what to do! I wanted to involve my mom in my wedding planning, so I brought her to everything. But every time I decide on what I want, she is unhappy about how bad my choices are!
When she visited my wedding venue, she wouldn’t even look around. She frowned the whole time; when dress shopping she told me I was fat and ugly in my dream dress; when I showed her my wedding invitations she told me they were not nice or classy because I did not use gold foil.
Now she is upset because I am involving her less and she feels I am involving my future mother-in-law more. This is completely not true!
The only difference is when I say no to my mother-in-law, she accepts my decision — whereas my mom will continuously complain about past issues and honestly never has anything nice to say about my wedding. She even said to me yesterday, “This is MY wedding. Well, it’s yours, but it’s also mine!”
I honestly don’t know what to do, I want to have this wonderful experience of planning my wedding and keep her involved, but I am so sick of her raining on my parade and making it all about her! What should I do?!
— Trying to be a Bridechilla
As some of you know, I have recently become affianced, so this letter strikes close to home for–
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
“:long bong rip: Let me tell you something I learned about life–no one cares about you if you don’t care about you. An unhappy bride does not a happy wedding or marriage make. If you don’t make peace with yourself and the world around you, you will allow yourself to be put into situations that aren’t good for your mind, body, or soul. There can be no Bridechilla without some skrilla. Do you have the money to have the freedom to tell Mom no? Find the balance between asserting yourself and accepting what the world hiveg you to achieve peace. Now excuse me while I tend to my herb garden.”
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Not a whole lot to add to what Ricky said. I find it ridiculous when a parent thinks the wedding is just as much about them as the couple. If you need financial help for the wedding, there will be some things you have to compromise on if a parent presses. But if someone is being a straight up asshole about your wedding day, you have to draw a line in the sand and stick up for yourself. Cut her off on planning involvement until/unless she shows that she can behave like an adult rather than a petulant child.
Let’s check in now with Carolyn Hax—
I’m finding myself in one of those surreal stories in which I invested years (six of them) in a relationship with someone who insisted he did not believe in marriage and finally ended things with me so he didn’t deprive me of what I wanted, only to wind up engaged to someone else about 10 seconds later. I found out through the grapevine — small town — and he contacted me shortly after that, knowing I would have heard, to ask if I wanted to meet up and talk over the circumstances behind his engagement.
Do I? Yes, I am burning with curiosity about how someone who found something negative to say about every marriage on earth is now willingly entering one of his own. But I am also afraid of how it will feel to hear itemized every reason I don’t measure up to Future Mrs. Ex.
Do I take him up on this offer, or let it lie?
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Look, you gotta take your shot and not feel bad about it. What’s the worst thing that happens, you give it a whirl and miss? Be a pro and go up there and learn from your failures to get the job done.
NBC Compiles All of the Upright/Crossbar Doinks of Parkey's Season, Concluding with the Missed Game Winning Attempt pic.twitter.com/SMkCz1UQUO
— Heart of NFL (@HeartofNFL) January 7, 2019
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Motherfucker. I don’t care that the kick was tipped, that guy shouldn’t have been on the roster on Sunday. And like keeping Cody Parkey on your playoff roster, what’s the upside on going to see your ex? He moved on, it isn’t about you. Go to therapy if you need to work through it, but he’s not going to be helpful. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a voodoo doll to finish assembling.
That’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’. See you around the DFO clubhouse!
Have questions? Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions, and spread the word!
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